kitten chick Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 For those that were or are in abusive relationships, romantically speaking, do you find yourself having become more unnoticing of abusive behavior in current relationships whether romantic or not? Do you think that you now seek out abusive relationships subconsiously? I'm not sure if this relates to me much but I've been thinking about it lately. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 I did the opposite. After I finally got the nerve up to end my abusive relationship I vowed never to be in one again. I was very concious of behaviors of the men that I would date. The biggest for me was disagreements were handled. I would tell the guys that I dated that if there was ever any hurtful name calling that didn't pertain to the argument or if it was clear that they were doing something with the PURPOSE of hurting me then it was an immediate dismissal. I stuck to it too and my husband has never called me hurtful names during arguments, never tried to control me, and never purposefully hurt my feelings. We "renegotiated" the immediate dismissal before we got married to immediate counceling for both of us. Abusive relationships are HELL and I'm not going back there. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Heck no. I now know to stay away from the abuse. Having been through it, I am good at detecting it in its early stages in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 not personally but I have seen it in people. My first relationship was abusive emotioanlly & verbally and it made me really ware of myself and red flags on men. I made sure that I never got back into that situation But I know people who hop relationship and end up going from one abusive relationship to another. It think it has to do with thier own self worth and that they never take time to process a breakup and past abuse in thier childhood. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Ok, I'm going to post about my issue but take it easy on me. The last time I posted about a personal problem it turned into a free for all. I haven't been happy with my therapist for a while. I've been doing CBT for a few months. I kept going back and forth as to what I was going to do about her. I talked to a friend who is a marriage councelor and she thought that my therapist was abusive. I never thought of it that way but when I started really thinking about it after my friend mentioned it I realized that my relationship with her had some eerie similarities to the relationship with my abusive ex. I was really upset about this. I didn't even notice that I was being abused just like I didn't notice last time, and again by someone I trusted. I felt awful that now this kind of behavior seems normal to me. I guess I'm not good at spotting it. It makes me feel totally hopeless that I'll never be able to buck this kind of relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Ok, I'm going to post about my issue but take it easy on me. The last time I posted about a personal problem it turned into a free for all. I haven't been happy with my therapist for a while. I've been doing CBT for a few months. I kept going back and forth as to what I was going to do about her. I talked to a friend who is a marriage councelor and she thought that my therapist was abusive. I never thought of it that way but when I started really thinking about it after my friend mentioned it I realized that my relationship with her had some eerie similarities to the relationship with my abusive ex. I was really upset about this. I didn't even notice that I was being abused just like I didn't notice last time, and again by someone I trusted. I felt awful that now this kind of behavior seems normal to me. I guess I'm not good at spotting it. It makes me feel totally hopeless that I'll never be able to buck this kind of relationship. It takes experiences to spot the abusive pattern in others. For some, it may take more time then others. We all have our own morals, values, beliefs, and a sense of what is acceptable in a relationship and what is not. You just have to know what you want out of a relationship and if the person does something that is outside of what you are looking for, then chances are it is some sort of abuse toward you. My advice would be to take things very slow when you meet someone new. Really get to know them, read their body language. Get what you can out of them before you let your feelings get involved with the individual. Hope that this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 um, I didn't have any feelings or involvement with my therapist. You do raise a good point though, it probably does take experience to be able to spot abuse. I was never around abusive people at all until I met my ex and it has changed how I view people and the level of behavior I find acceptable. I used to be the kind of person that wouldn't put up with anyone's crap. I am that way with most people, it's just the ones that have me in a vulnerable position that I seem to fold under. I hate it. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Ok, I'm going to post about my issue but take it easy on me. The last time I posted about a personal problem it turned into a free for all. I haven't been happy with my therapist for a while. I've been doing CBT for a few months. I kept going back and forth as to what I was going to do about her. I talked to a friend who is a marriage councelor and she thought that my therapist was abusive. I never thought of it that way but when I started really thinking about it after my friend mentioned it I realized that my relationship with her had some eerie similarities to the relationship with my abusive ex. I was really upset about this. I didn't even notice that I was being abused just like I didn't notice last time, and again by someone I trusted. I felt awful that now this kind of behavior seems normal to me. I guess I'm not good at spotting it. It makes me feel totally hopeless that I'll never be able to buck this kind of relationship. How did you find your therapist? Did you pick her or was she recommended to you? Try not to feel hopeless-As far as therapists go, I would think the red flags would be not feeling comfortable with him/her, he/she isn't really listening, seeming bored or burnt by their profession............but I would never be looking for or expect the Abusive Therapist red flag. Are you going to switch therapists or confront her? Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Thanks climbergirl, somehow that made me feel better. I guess you just wouldn't think a therapist would be abusive in any way. Maybe it's not so abnormal that I didn't see it. She was not recommended to me, I didn't know anyone who had done CBT but I wanted to try that type of therapy because I know I was completely sane before my abusive ex. This is going to sound rediculous but I've tried to leave her a few times and I even took a month break recently. She wanted me to come back and try again and I told her that if she made a solid plan for me that I would be willing to give it another shot. That was 3 sessions ago and I have yet to see a plan from her even after talking about it the session before last. I'm definitely not going back to her. I'm thinking about writing a letters to her to "break-up" with her. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Thanks climbergirl, somehow that made me feel better. I guess you just wouldn't think a therapist would be abusive in any way. Maybe it's not so abnormal that I didn't see it. She was not recommended to me, I didn't know anyone who had done CBT but I wanted to try that type of therapy because I know I was completely sane before my abusive ex. This is going to sound rediculous but I've tried to leave her a few times and I even took a month break recently. She wanted me to come back and try again and I told her that if she made a solid plan for me that I would be willing to give it another shot. That was 3 sessions ago and I have yet to see a plan from her even after talking about it the session before last. I'm definitely not going back to her. I'm thinking about writing a letters to her to "break-up" with her. This is a very good idea, I think, because she will in no way be able to manipulate the conversation. And I'm pretty sure she'd try. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 This is a very good idea, I think, because she will in no way be able to manipulate the conversation. And I'm pretty sure she'd try. That's EXACTLY why I was going with the letter Thanks again CG. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 That's EXACTLY why I was going with the letter Thanks again CG. You're welcome.....anytime. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 um, I didn't have any feelings or involvement with my therapist. You do raise a good point though, it probably does take experience to be able to spot abuse. I was never around abusive people at all until I met my ex and it has changed how I view people and the level of behavior I find acceptable. I used to be the kind of person that wouldn't put up with anyone's crap. I am that way with most people, it's just the ones that have me in a vulnerable position that I seem to fold under. I hate it. I know that. I was speaking in terms of romantic relationships. As far as the therapist goes, if you are having any doubts about the therapist, then it is time to find another one. There are plenty of great one's out there. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2006 Share Posted June 18, 2006 Thanks climbergirl, somehow that made me feel better. I guess you just wouldn't think a therapist would be abusive in any way. Maybe it's not so abnormal that I didn't see it. She was not recommended to me, I didn't know anyone who had done CBT but I wanted to try that type of therapy because I know I was completely sane before my abusive ex. This is going to sound rediculous but I've tried to leave her a few times and I even took a month break recently. She wanted me to come back and try again and I told her that if she made a solid plan for me that I would be willing to give it another shot. That was 3 sessions ago and I have yet to see a plan from her even after talking about it the session before last. I'm definitely not going back to her. I'm thinking about writing a letters to her to "break-up" with her. All I know is, if a therapist is pushing you, making you feel awkward or bad, reacting and asking you to come back to them over and over again when you're taking a break - Something is not right with her. She may be a good therapist to some of her clients, but she's not having a positive impact on you at all. Remember, you don't OWE her any long explanation when you tell her you're not coming back. All you have to do is leave a message on her machine and say, "Thank you for your time but I've decided not to continue therapy with you." Don't feel bad KC, at all. You paying her means she was working for you, not the other way around. Yuu're not getting what you paid for, so don't feel bad about it or worry about how she will feel. She's the therapist and should be able to deal with clients moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
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