do i have an obligation

[Guest]

Long story short. Father- absent (provider) & alcoholic with some kind of personality disorder- frustrates easily, temper/violent, abusive, selfish, controlling & took all of his problems out on his family & everyone else. Mom- conservative, loving, enabler, strong- tried to smooth everything over. My sister- just like my dad. Post high school, l moved away & tried not to look back with very little contact in the 20 years- no xmas, birthdays, etc. I wanted minimal contact because I've evolved (it was a lot of work). I kept in touch with my Mom who suddenly died last year. The first time i saw my family in 10 yrs was at the hospital room- they haven't changed a bit. Back I went to the violence, threats, abuse, etc. It was like going into battle- a total nightmare. I tried to help my dad transition, but I couldn't deal with his (& my sister's) insanity- it was beyond me & I didn't want it back in my life. I tried to get him some professional help, he refused. He's changed a little bit for the better, but he is still to me unmanageable. My family wants a relationship with me that i don't want with them. I've moved so far beyond that i just don't want to go back. I will help my dad if he really needs it, but i can't get intimately involved. I've been keeping in touch over the phone, but do not want to go to see him. I don't feel safe around my family. They want a relationship with me that I don't want with them. They thought we would all be magically reunited after my mom died & everything would be normal. I feel like they are realizing this isn't going to happen, but i wish they would accept it and move on. I think everyone would be happier. Any advice? Is anyone else going through this?

[Outcast]

You need to do what's good for you. Maybe someday in the future you'll be able to handle them but as long as they continue to upset you, you're best away from them. They have each other, after all, however dysfunctional they all may be.

[HokeyReligions]

You didn't choose your family. I have a sister whom I have had nothing to do with in over 20 years. My husband has never even met her or her children. The only time he talked with her was when she called once - years ago - and he answered the phone and she proceeded to scream at him and tell him where and when he could go on vacation and how his (our) choices of what to do on vacation were contingent on HER.

 

You don't have to have a relationship with any of them if you don't want one.

[quankanne]

I'm with outie and hokey – just because they're blood relatives doesn't mean you have an obligation to entrench yourself in their sick sad world if you understand that to do so would mean a huge blow to your mental and emotional state of being.

 

I love my family, but chose to have limited contact, especially now after my mother has passed away, because she was the one I bonded with. I do keep up with my oldest niece, who is more like a little sister to me and I love dearly, but that's pretty much where I draw the line. Because everytime I think I'm strong enough to handle the drama and crap they chose to steep themselves in, I begin to fall apart. And I consider myself a strong woman.

 

love them as best you can, but remember, you are the only one who truly has your best interests at heart, and only you can decide when enough is enough. That doesn't make you a bad person – just one who knows her limits.

 

hugs,

quank

[superfreak]

Today being Father's Day is a really, really sad time for me.

I could relate sooo much with the original post, because my dad is an alcoholic/drug addict with many of the same personality issues that the OP described. I chose self-destruction (drinking, drug abuse, self-mutilation, etc.) for 14 years to cope with the abuse that goes along with that and the other issues I have (if there are any...) and made a conscious decision two and a half years ago that I did not want to live that way anymore.

 

When I got clean, I decided it was time for Dad and I to bond again, and that, if I just behaved perfectly, our relationship would be successful (in other words, our relationship had problems because it was all my fault, if I change then everything will work out fine). Needless to say, it did not work the way I'd hoped for; there were drunken insults, controlling/manipulative behavior, abuse, and, once again, I felt suicidal and self-destructive. So, after some therapy and a whole, whole lot of painful work on myself, I made another conscious decision to cease contact. I sent a respectful letter (one approved by my therapist... I did not want to cause any damage, just establish a boundary) asking for no contact. Of course, my dad being a man who knows no boundaries (or the damage he's causing, or anything else for that matter... remember: he's never wrong and everything is my fault), chose not to respect that. This has been the way things are for about a year, now, with the occasional 3 am drunken phone call (New Years, etc.) and a really awful and hurtful birthday card I got last week (my birthday is the week before Father's Day).

 

So... I did not send a card this year, but I did attempt at shopping for one. Rack after rack of these hunky-dory "I Love You, Dad" cards, some clever and sarcastic and some overly sentimental and sappy, and none of them said what I needed them to say. After all... How does one shop for an estranged relative? "I'm sorry we can't speak, but you like to hurt me and I can't have that... Loving you from a distance, Your Daughter."

 

And today I'm very depressed. I want to work on this whole forgiveness and acceptance thing, but at this point these are words I just read or say, not actual events or feelings in my life. I know that the time for action is not now, and may not ever come... I should just get used to it, but it hurts sooooooo deeply. It is, after all, my dad, and the actual good memories we have always rush back and seem so tempting (and then I remember all of the pain that inevitably comes from dealing with him).

 

I tried to Google how to deal with estranged relatives, and I tried to call some close friends for support. My mother's worried, she thinks that all of the pain will "send me over the edge," and I can't talk to her about any of this. I see my therapist later this week, and there are support groups I can go to if I can actually get the wherewithal to leave my house.

 

Sorry about the lengthy post, here, just in a lot (a lot, a lot, a lot...) of pain and needing the opportunity to vent. My original point was to say thanks for posting what you did... I'm glad I'm not the only one and it does actually provide some comfort.