Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

[ConfusedGal]

If people have read some of my previous posts, they know that I have been dying to move away and explore the world.... I keep saying its because I want to get away from my mother as she has made my life miserable, but I think its more than that... BTW, I am 27, an attorney, and married to a 32 year old many for the last 3 1/2 years. I got married at 23.

 

Anyways, I have been seeing a psychiatrist about my life issues, especially those with my mom, and I mentioned to her how I really would love to move away and all, but because my husband just got a promotion and now wants to buy a house, I feel "stuck"...

 

So she said, my main reason for feeling so stuck is that I have never had a period of "autonomy"...The time period in your 20's when you "grow up," explore the world, and have no limits... She said "You went straight from being your mom's daughter to being someone's wife. There was no bridge." This is so true... I got married at 23 and straight up until that point, had SO many problems because of my mother...grew up in a home where I was always scared of my parents fights all alone (brother far away in college.) Have always had those problems and they continued straight into my marriage...

 

I really do feel this way... I MISSED out on the time I should have had. I love my husband. I reallly do. But having not had that time, maybe that is why I just want to move away and explore...I have no interest in having kids anytime soon or buying a home or any "adult" like decision... I feel like that stuff ties me down. I am trying to cope with all of it...

 

Does anyone else feel like they just missed out?

[quankanne]

yes, but not in the sense that you've addressed.

 

sounds like your identity is caught up in either being someone's daughter, sibling, spouse or mama (if you do indeed have kids), that you don't see "you." Have you thought of pursuing things that interest you, stuff you can do on your own or get involved in? That would give a sense of autonomy – taking a belly dance class, joining a quilters guild, taking creative writing or journaling classes at the local college, etc. I know this keeps me a bit more balanced as wife, child and sibling, and my classes don't "take me away" from my family. And they're a great way to explore yourself without doing any damage to your primary relationships (ideally, that is).

[norajane]

I've missed out on some things, but not in your way.

 

This whole moving away thing is a fantasy...meaning, you've fixated on the moving as a way to enrich your life. Truth is, you can do that from wherever you are by actively getting involved in things that bring meaning and value to your life, things completely outside your husband and mother.

 

There's no reason why you can't join a writing group if writing is a passion for you, or get involved in theater or music or painting or sports or anything else that gets your adrenaline going.

 

Since you feel such a strong desire to get away, I would recommend making 'travel' a hobby. Even without a lot of money, you could plan weekend trips away to see nearby parts of the country that you've never explored before. For example, my sister and I did a bunch of road trips over the last year visiting different National Parks in the US - amazing memories together, not to mention incredible sights that completely take you out of your own head. All the hiking is also great for clearing your head and seeing things from a fresh perspective. And motels are generally pretty cheap - you don't have to go camping.

 

You can also start a 'travel fund' for trips to some of the foreign countries you might like to visit. Planning is half the fun, so do some investigating on where in the world your dream trip would be, and plan a vacation for when you have the money.

[ConfusedGal]

I wish I could travel more... But my job doesnt permit it really. I guess I will look into some classes or something. I go through such phases of being depressed one day and ok the next. Kind of sux...

[BeFree]

I don't feel like I missed out, but I think I am the exception. While the rest of my friends were getting married, I worked on cruise ships. I traveled the world, partied hard, hung out with people of other countries. But the sad thing is, much of the time I spent sowing my oats, I really wished for a wonderful husband and stability.

 

So the old saying is true, the grass is not always greener. I have read most of your past post and I do think you need to enjoy your journey of life with your husband and move away mentally from your relationship with your mother. Perhaps, you can find a way for you and your husband to travel together on vacations. Usually when I get a feeling that I need to "get away" it means I am under major stress. Usually just removing that stress from my life, helps the feeling to subside.

[Guest]

I did not miss out, because I did travel during my twenties and early thirties (I'm 45 now), spending over a year of my life in Europe on various trips. Without a doubt, those were the best times in my life, and I miss them terribly. I have been married for five years, and love my wife dearly, but she has never traveled, has little interest in doing so, and prefers to stay at home with her animals. I would give anything to experience those days again...I made lifelong friends, saw amazing sights and had priceless experiences. Unlike many people, I have never had a fulfilling job/career that I loved (or even liked), so travel has been my only passion in life. As far as autonomy, I felt the same way until I lived on my own as well. It is very important, but you are in a difficult position. Good luck; I hope you are able to work things out.

[RarePearl]

Does anyone else feel like they just missed out?

All you described I felt and went through, with the same ages matching! Got married at 23.

 

You will see, in a few years the desire to explore life the way you feel it now will go away. Believe it or not, you're still a semi-child. You feel like your whole life is still in front of you, but think "hey I am 27 - I am old!"

 

Once you're around 30, you'll like all the things that adults do and you'll feel very young and at the beginning of a new, calm, and wonderful period. It's when your hormones naturally calm down and you're ready for REAL happiness. It's so much better than the young jumping adrenaline that makes you wanna get out of your skin. Just wait a few more year and you'll be very happy with YOURSELF (not necessarily with your life).

 

This is a period of general mismatch - your nature doesn't fit in your goals and vice versa, your needs don't match your preferences, you feel stuck in your own body and mind. Just like snakes who throw away their skin when growing up, you'll throw away these feelings. You're going through a metamorphosis right now. It's only temporarily. Endure the dissatisfaction.

 

After all, think about it, what would you explore really? Sex, drugs, partying? Do you really want that? You can travel with your husband, meet new people and have fun TOGETHER. Imagine if he divorced you right now. Would you be happy that you can explore life now?

[ConfusedGal]

Hi all,

 

 

Thanks so much for all of your advice...Really. I feel like I have a network of people who kind of understand...Everything seems so worthless right now...Really. And seriously, none of my need for freedom and feeling of missing out has to do with the lack of dating other people etc. An affair is the last thing on my mind.

 

When I say "freedom", I for once, want to feel like I can breathe and fly... I dont feel that way. From the outside it all looks great. I have a nice husband, who just got a huge promotion in a huge company... I am a young attorney who makes way more than I ever thought I would... We are both bright, attractive people and some of my friends say they could NEVER even imagine I feel the way that I do when they meet me cause I come across so bubbly and fun...But yet, I am just screamining inside!!!!

 

Yes Ive got the great job... Do I like my job? NO... I wanted to be in a creative but of course got pushed into something more lucrative cause of my Asian family where you are worthless unless you make tons of money and are either a lawyer or doctor...And now im stuck cause I have over 100k of student loans to pay off...

 

I cant seem to get over my past with my mom... And the problem is, you can get over something cause its IN THE PAST....But this issue will continue into the future... I dont know if I have the capacity to handle it anymore...SOme of you have suggested confronting my mom...I have tried. My mom is a suspected Borderline (never been officially diagnosed). She is also a massive narcisisst and drama queen. Last time I confronted her, she ended up in the ER howling at the top of her longs "I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK!" for 15 minutes. My Dad supports her cause he has no choice. There is a lot more to all this but it would take writing a book... For now, I am trying the "ignorance is a bliss" method cause confronting didnt work...

 

For some reason, I relate moving far away to freedom...Just the feel of knowing my folks arent near me...Experiencing a new life, new world etc... Everything here reminds me of the trauma of the past. I am just sick of it all... Previously I had the chance to move. I was stupid enough to give it up cause I was afraid I wouldnt get a job. Dumb dumb dumb...

 

How do I ever tell my husband all this?? He doesnt understand because he HAD a healthy childhood! He LIVED up his early 20's and teenage years. Therefore, he dismisses the importance. He has moved between 3 countries on his own...He wouldnt understand how important it is for me because he undermines the importance saying "It wouldnt have mattered whether I moved around. I have always been the way I am..."

 

And now my husband has gotten a great promotion. I am proud of him. I am... He does know I would love to move...He says we will in two years or so, once he gets more experience in this new position and i get more experience in my job... I want to believe we will. I want to believe that will happen... BUt I have a feeling it wont...two years... babies, home etc... I am 27. He is 32. I want to go somewhere while I am still young and have no kids to experience it. Two years...29...Baby age. Argh!!! I am so bloody frustrated right now! I love him, and dont want to bring him down by telling him alllll this when he just got his dream promotion. I at least owe it to him to be happy for him. He has been through too much crap with me and has been really patient...I owe that to him, right?

 

Home?? Yes, I kind of feel like it does tie me down... But I guess it can be seen as an investment...But I DIDNT WANT TO MAKE the investment HERE! I wanted to Move FARRRR away and make the investment somewhere else!! THEN at least I would be excited! I am SOOOO not excited about it!!

 

Arghhh! I do hope this passes...I really do!

[RarePearl]

How would the move change your life?

 

Can't you ignore your mother while you're still here? I think you would miss her actually if you moved.

[ConfusedGal]

I would like the feeling of actually missing her instead of fearing her or having so much anger towards her...A move would help that. Havent you ever just been sick of a place??? I am SICK of living here...Same people, same problems, same bull...Want a freshness to my life... But either way, I need to adjust I guess...

[norajane]

wow - you're really freaking out...I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this!

 

You and your hubby are life partners. There's no reason why you can't share your goals and dreams with him, especially since he's already stated that moving in a couple of years could work out for the both of you. I'm sure he loves you, so why wouldn't he want to understand what's going on in your head?

 

Kids - no reason to have kids if you're not ready. Many, many women wait until their 30's to have their first child, some into their late 30's and early 40's. You have plenty of time, so if you aren't ready now or two years from now or five years from now, it's not a big deal.

 

House - houses are a fantastic investment, even if you're in one for only a few years. Just because you buy one doesn't mean you're going to be in it forever. In fact, if you know you'll only be in it for a couple years, you can get a lower rate ARM mortgage rather than the 30 year mortgage. Houses are bought and sold all the time, so there's no reason to fear being stuck just because you buy a house.

 

Travel - seriously, even lawyers get time off for good behavior, don't they? You must have at least two weeks of vacation time per year, plus holidays. You can take at least one 10 day vacation (1 week, plus the weekends) per year, and you can take long weekends or combine holidays/vacation days for other trips. You have to build it into your schedule ahead of time, and then plan your work responsibilities around it so you can actually get away. Make this a priority and make it happen.

 

Mom - at some point, you need to grow a thicker skin and not alllow her to guilt you into participating in her shenanigans. I don't know how big your city is, but surely you can buy a house on the other end of town and create a little distance that way?

 

I wish you all the best. Good luck.

[RarePearl]

Havent you ever just been sick of a place???

Ooowwwww, yeeeeeaaah!

 

 

I am SICK of living here...Same people, same problems, same bull...Want a freshness to my life... But either way, I need to adjust I guess...

I see. You're right, moving to a new place is the biggest change for most people. It really turns your life into a completely new direction. the thing is you are not adapted to the place where you've lived your whole life. I've had this same feeling for many, many years until I moved to another place.

 

When you desire something really badly, it usually means that you really need it. Usually dreams, once achieved, don't turn out to be wasted futile efforts. If your husband didn't just get promoted, I would tell you to speak to him about this, but he already told you that he would stay there for a couple more years, right?

 

So all you can do is wait? Why not start some new hobby and meet new people? Or you can concentrate on your career?

[Guest]

I completely understand your position and would probably feel exactly the same way. My advice: take a six month sabbatical from work and go to Tahiti or Rio de Janeiro or Paris, live your dream, then go home. That should get it out of your system,,,at least for a while

[zarathustra]

I would like the feeling of actually missing her instead of fearing her or having so much anger towards her...A move would help that. Havent you ever just been sick of a place??? I am SICK of living here...Same people, same problems, same bull...Want a freshness to my life... But either way, I need to adjust I guess...

Moving away from your mom doesn't mean you'll fear her less or be less angry at her... with family, you can run, but you can't hide from the problems.

 

I know what you mean by missing out... because I went from being a daughter to being a wife. I went from taking care of my parents to taking charge at my house. Yeah, my H and I lived together before we married, but its straight from my folks place to a place he and I shared.

 

I think that taking classes and finding an interest all to yourself would help you. Maybe Yoga or joining a team sport that you can participate in and meeting new people.

 

Its really hard with family, I have expressed my feelings with her but like many parents, my complaints fall on deaf ears. Sound familiar?

 

I hope seeing the therapist will help you. At least you have a sounding board now.

 

Good luck!

[ConfusedGal]

Hi all,

THanks for the advice and understanding. I went to my therapist today and totally just expressed how I feel....at least to her (and you guys.) She asked me what I would have in life right now if I could... Like what vision did I have?? I told her... And she said "Wow. The life you have and your vision doesnt match in the least...!" That is SO true. It doesnt.... SHe was like, well, you should seriously talk to your husband about it cause he needs to know how you feel about all this and understand it... Maybe he does, but not now...I want him to enjoy his feeling of being promoted...not get bummed by me...

[RarePearl]

Maybe he does, but not now...I want him to enjoy his feeling of being promoted...not get bummed by me...

That's very generous of you. However, it will hurt your marriage in the long run if he doesn't know how you feel and you're unhappy for a long time. Some day you might just pack your bags and live your dream, because he will pull things toward himself completely clueless of what's going on in your head. Then he will accuse you of never telling him how unhappy you were and he will be right.

 

Don't argue, just LET HIM KNOW how you feel about your life. It's one life together that you live now. Everything you do should make you BOTH happy, not just him or you.

[ConfusedGal]

I know I want to tell him how i feel...I mean, if I have this continuous feeling of being so unhappy...There HAS to be a reason right?? I try to convince myself and fall again...I am NOT clinically depressed...Traumatized yes. But not depressed.

 

My psychiatrist suggested that I bring him to a session, and he could better understand how I feel. I am toying with this..I just need him to say YES, I understand (for real), and YES we will make the attempt to make this happen. Just yesterday, he starts talking about buying this townhome and he is like "Well, in 3 or 4 years we could sell it and move to a bigger place.." In my mind I was HELLO..Didnt you tell me we could try to move within 2 years?? From where did the 3 or 4 years and then moving to a bigger place come from?? This just shows me he dismisses how I feel and hopes I will get over it...

 

I need him to understand WHY I want what I do...And tell me if its thats important to me, we can make it happen eventually... Do you guys thinking bringing him to a session will help?? Cause I have talked to him about it and he sympathizes but is like "Well, you have to be strong and embrace the situation." He doesnt completely understand where these feelings come from....

[ashnicole]

Does anyone else feel like they just missed out?

 

I would say having a child at sixteen pretty much did that for me.

 

[ConfusedGal]

Hi guys,

 

If you check my last reply, do you guys think its a good idea to take my husband with me to one of my therapy sessions so he knows how I feel, or do you think that would freak him out?

[quankanne]

invite him –*otherwise he'll never know what's going on inside you or how to help in whatever fashion he's able.

 

leaving town to start over someplace else isn't going to make the situation better, because problems have a way of following you. Your mom is still going to be a pain; you're still going to have outstanding student loans; you'll still hate the fact that you feel trapped in a profession you don't want to be in. Figure out what you do want to do professionally, and maybe try making the change there. Even just being in a good job that you like will help ease the stress you feel, and might make things more bearable until y'all are able to move.

 

also, begin that conversation with your husband about your desire to move. He isn't a mind-reader, and therefore doesn't know what you want but can only guess by past action. He sounds like a good egg, and would do what he can to make a good life for you however necessary.

 

again, about your mom: start letting go, even if it means cutting communications with her. Someone else asked in another post if that meant being a bad daughter and sibling, doing that, and I said that if it meant preserving your sanity, it didn't. You sound like the good daughter, trying to be there for your family even as it kills you inside – you shouldn't have to compromise your mental or emotional health for ANYONE, because you are the only person who has a 100 percent vested interest in you. Unplug the phone in the evenings if need be. Bar all personal calls at work, with your husband being the exception. Take a short vacation but only let the necessary folks know (husband, colleagues) and don't answer your cell unless it's from that group of approved, must-know people. Some of this stuff sounds childish, but honey, it's the only way you're going to get back some of your well-deserved peace of mind or create a sense of peace.

[ConfusedGal]

My husband can sense how I feel...He was asking me yesterday "Are you sad that we have to stay here??" I didnt say much and changed the topic yesterday because he is so high on his current position and i DONT want to get him down...I will wait until he comes back from all his trips and ask him to come with me I think...

[Cecelius]

I think that is a fine approach.

 

The responsibility to get him to understand what you are going through rests basically with you -- he's doing, it seems, what works for him and isn't going to see through your exterior to understand why things are not working for you.

 

As to sympathizing with your situation -- absolutely. Got married at 20, been a deal lawyer for a big firm now for about 7 years. I understand that 10 day vacations are few and far between for you.

[ConfusedGal]

Yeah... Vacations are tough as a lawer. I took 8 workdays off AT CHRISTMAS to go visit his family in India. I am still "making up" my billable hours from then so its pretty out of the question to go on vacation...

 

I KNOW I want to get out of here... I really think I will spend my life in regret if I dont...So he NEEDS To know that... I am not telling him to dump his promotion and go...Im not! But eventually, once he gets good experience and has the potential for transferring through his company, it would be great. And now that I am approaching the year mark as a patent attorney, I dont think I would have any trouble getting a job elsewhere...

 

I am looking into art classes to get my mind off stuff... Its like, I am really proud of him, but at the same time, kind of sad for ME.

[Cecelius]

You didn't say you were a patent lawyer -- no wonder you hate it. That's almost as dull as tax...

[ConfusedGal]

Yeah not too exciting.... High pay but pretty dull... Not quite as dull as tax though! Its good for a job I guess...My firm doesnt have insane hours, the people are ok and the pay is fantastic (which I need to pay the loans!) but its nothing I am passionate about. ONly thing that keeps me going is the pay, some nice people, and the fact taht I have connection to the outside world through the internet! :-)