Author ConfusedGal Posted June 19, 2006 Author Share Posted June 19, 2006 Well, I did talk to my husband about how I feel this past weekend...I wasnt going to but he sensed somethoing was wrong. He did kind of understand when I went into why I feel this way...But eventually he blew up and said I was super annoying, and the most confused person he ever met, and I was f--king up our lives with my confusion, and he was the one who always sacrificed everything and everything was about me all the time... Then he calmed down and said he just needed to vent, but he understands what I feel. I need to have patience, is what he said...He said, well, we will make all that happen later. Right now we need to enjoy our current situation and suck it up and hope for the best. He mixed m y being bummed with not being happy for his promotion, which is incorrect... I also disagree that I am the most confused person in the world. I know exactly what I want! I want to NOT BE HERE. I want to go out into the world a bit and explore, not be here forever...Thats what I want. Anyways, I will forgive him for venting, cause I know I must sound very annoying to h im and he must be very frustrated with me and what I want... As nutty as this sounds, sometimes I am tempted to just leave. Write a letter saying I am leaving and not tell anyone where I am going... Leaving for myself, even though I love him to death, and leaving for HIM...I think I drive him nuts, even though he does love me a lot. I just ask myself, can I make him happy if I am not happy on my own?? And I think he deserves to be happy...And for that, I need to be happy...But if I am not and I dont know if I can make myself be happy in this situation, can I make him happy??? I have tried sucking it up...I do good for a few days and fall flat on my face, and get miserable again. BTW, I signed up for a painting class as people are suggesting here to give myself something to look forward to... My husband is out of town for the week. Its good. Will give me some chill time to think and he gets a break Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 Just hopping in the car and driving? I love doing that. I have to travel by car between l.a. and s.f quite a bit. So it gets boring just ripping through the central valley down 1-5. What i do is sometimes on impulse, with nobody knowing, is drive east across the sierra nevada and drive down along the owens valley and through the deserts north of L.A. it adds hours and hours to the drive. However, I get such a thrill out of doing that for myself. I stop where I want to, nobody bugging me about anything. and even if I don't have that kind of trip planned., sometimes I just go for a drive aimlessly until a purpose for the drive becimes apparent once I'm already underway. It's a way to let off steam and not be under others thumbs. Link to post Share on other sites
Freyja Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 I can really feel for the OP, its not easy being brought up in an asian family. I really do sympathise for you. Somehow our parents just can't adjust to the society they migrate to and then they expect their children to be exactly like them but hold on we can't... we're brought up in a different society and we will have different values and ideas for our life. Like you I wanted to run away too... I have, I;m 4 hours away from them and yes I'm married too. I think I have alot of freedom now, but even then sometiems I feel like running away even further. You see you can run away and block that memory for a while but it all comes back and you feel s***ty. I do, I feel like I've got these horrible mood swings and depression, I suppose its due to all the excess baggage. I will hopefully one day eb able to confront them.. and I hope you can too. I don't think its so much about you wanting to explore but you just want tp keep yourself occupied with much more so that you don't have tp think about the past issues you have. What helps me is when I'm all alone and I just think of how I've survived and what I've achieved and that makes me happy. I don't need the rents then and nor do I need to do all these other activites to keep myself content. Contemplation is wonderful. I hope things get better for you! Freyja Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted June 20, 2006 Author Share Posted June 20, 2006 Hi Freyja, Thanks... Did your folks have issues with your husband?? And also did they have too many expectations when they lived close by?? Also, does your husband understand your bouts of depression/anxiety?? Id love to hear more about your situation... Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 This is what I like to call a quarter-life crisis. You can also chaulk it up to Saturn's Return if you are more astrologically inclined. Either way, it happens. You basically review your previous 26-29 years and perhaps find recurring patterns. I don't feel like I missed out on anything, per se, just that I didn't make the most of many opportunities. -R- Link to post Share on other sites
Freyja Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 Hi, My parents have weird issues with my husband and mostly it's because of miscommunication. Also because hes white and we're asian and I suppose cultural differences affect them very much. I've had a cultural/religious dogmatic upbringing and yes I've been submissive yet rebellious at the same time, somewhat taught to be hypocritical I guess. Well that isn't exactly a sound upbringing so I have always had issues with my parents and when I found my partner it was just the last straw and I couldn't let my parents control me anymore. Its sad really because even though they kind of accept my lifestyle now they are very emotional and can cause alot of problems and yes the expectations are still there. Its jus how our traditions are you know, theres these rituals and customs that must be acted upon and I sill don't know how I can get away from them. If I do, I lose my family completely. Yes I know they do wrong and yet I give in because I love them so much and don't want to break all ties. Another issue is sometimes it helps to understand fgrom their perspective too. You see they are not entirely to blame either its just they have taught us what they were brought up with, unfortunately they cant accept any other way because of their strong rigid views and for them to let go is a sign of weakness. Its not cause theyre bad but its because they cant comprehend anything else to be better. Sorry I'm probably going on too much. But back to your questions, yes my husband does understand my anxiety issues and he tries to help me. He tries as much as he can but unfortunately because he is not of the same background there are some things that he just cannot understand and finds it utterly weird. I guess I forgive him there but nevertheless he tries and I notice his efforts to comfort me and I'm grateful for that support. I think the only time we have difficulty is when I keep it bottled in because I know how stressful his job is and I find it hard to put more problems on his shoulders. But thats over in a few days and we're able to clear the air again. It always feels so good to discuss over things. Although, having said that... I'm quite a personal person when it comes to my problems and I tend to only say the things which I think is necessary to mention as I feel that it's not fair for me to through my anger and stress at my husband. However that doesn't mean we shouldn't share our problems but we just shouldn't use the other as a punchbag all the time. As we all have our own s***e to deal with. Hope things are going ok for you confusedgal, its really weird but as I read your posts I just remember about my days when I used to be with the rents. I love them but its impossible to be with them. When Im with them I'm always on alert abotu how I carry off myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 Hi Freyja, I dont think my issue if my parents cultural background. In India, you let your daughters "GO" once they are married!!! Mine have a warped idea of the way daughters SHOULD be and take care of their parents all the time and put them first over everyone else...I am constantly given examples of other GREAT daughters. I feel like I am alone dealing with their bull because my brother has "escaped" and lives across the country and comes home once a year. He just acts like a 3 year old with my mom on the phone which she loves. Its hard... I have so much anxiety, and depression issues from the past ...I hate it when people say "Get OVer it"...Its easier to get over something that is OVER. If it is not over, how do you get OVER it?? Know what I mean?? My husband understands to some extent but then gets annoyed and frustrated with me saying I am confused and am messing us up. I am not confused. I KNOW I do NOT WANT TO LIVE NEAR MY MOTHER! I want to be FARRR away! He said give it a year or two, and we will move...I dontknow if I trust that. He has just gotten a promotion and now we are buying a place..I know I need to move forward and be enthusiastic but its SOOO hard!!! Know what I mean?? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 By the lago di bolsena in central italy I met a couple in their early thirties who were in italy for 3 months. The husband was a tax attorney who had taken a 3 month sabbatical from work to travel. I recall that you are an attorney as well, so perhaps you could take a sabbatical. I just returned from a month touring europe, and I did it on considerably less income than I would venture to guess tha tyou earn. Travel does open your eyes. but not the way you think. It's totally surprising, challenging, sometimes arduous and painful. It is what it is. I learned that no matter where you go, there you are. Your troubles follow you. But you learn that the troubles are perhaps not as troubling as you can make them out to be when you remain stationary too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 Hmmm...I have been at this firm less than a year so I think I would need to be here longer for me to even mention a sabbatical!! OK, so every now and then I perk myself up. Managed to do it yesterday. And now I am so low again.... Argh Link to post Share on other sites
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