uksurfer Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Yep, she came here to stay the night. It was going well. Or at least that's what I thought. I'd just given her a foot rub, and then her cellphone rang. Now, wouldn't you think it's strange that she goes outside to answer it? Yep, me, too. Fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately?), the bathroom window was open, and she was stood right underneath. So I decided to go to the bathroom. And what did I hear? Well, she's booked a hotel room near this 24 year old, and she's flying off to meet him one weekend soon. She talked about the emails they've sent, and the text messages they've swapped. Then she said how good a weekend it would be. Then (and bear with me, because this is the best part), she told him she loved him. Woo-f***ing-hooo. Let's recap. She's just turned 38, she's married, and has 2 children of her own - ages 5 and 2. This kid is 24. They met online about 8-10 weeks ago and have never actually met in person. And she loves him? So, again, I confronted her about this, and f*** me if it didn't kick off in a big way. Is it over? Or is this just so ridiculously and so obviously a mid-life crisis that she's gonna realise the error of her ways? And that's putting it politely. Jesus, am I wound up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uksurfer Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 Oh, and I thought that one deserved a thread all of its own. Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Ok she's married and came to stay the night with you? are you her lover? what difference is it if she is going off to stay with some other guy in a hotel? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 padameckla - yes, she's married to uksurfer himself. That's their two kids he's talking about. Full history in this thread. uksurfer: There may still be some ambiguity about how it will all turn out in the long run, but the current situation seems pretty clear. She is making decisions for herself, and they don't seem to have a lot to do with you. I think if you want to keep your sanity, you cannot continue to keep waiting for her to show a sign, for her to see the error of her ways, etc. Your future depends on you and you alone now. If you don't detach yourself from her current behavior, you will continue to drive yourself crazy. For the good of your children, support her to the degree possible, courteously and in a civil fashion, in her role as their mother, but realize that she has removed herself from her role as your wife. You will just be picking at the scab to keep agonizing about the subtle meanings of her behavior, whether she's showing signs, or how exactly to label her problem/situation/crisis/dysfunction... Understanding what is going on with her would be difficult enough if she wanted you to do so - it becomes virtually impossible if she is hiding her self from you, which it seems that she is. It will hurt. Let the scab heal, and see what kind of tissue grows back underneath, but it's time to stop picking at it. Apologies if this is blunt, but I've been through it, and I got a lot of relief from finally accepting that I could have no control or understanding of her situation. Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 padameckla - yes, she's married to uksurfer himself. That's their two kids he's talking about. Full history in this thread.. Ah then I was out of context. sorry. Thanks trimmer for the clearup. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Yeah, that would be a whole different perspective, wouldn't it? We'd all be ripping him a new one... Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Yeah, that would be a whole different perspective, wouldn't it? We'd all be ripping him a new one... Ripping isn't good. TLC is. Good advice. It's hard to make good decisions when your emotionally involved in a unhealthy situation. Your feelings are attached and its hard to let go even when you logically know you need to run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uksurfer Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 Sorry, yeah. She's my wife. You can read the 12 inch version of this train wreck of a story over at that link Trimmer posted above. Christ am I empty right now. Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 uksurfer... Oh man.. I am really, really sorry to hear this. When I clicked on this thread, I thought that she handed you the divorce papers! I hate to rub this on you... but I told you so! If you want her to turn around and realize her mistakes - you've got to go with PLAN B, or the so-called, tough love. I hate to tell you this, but if she goes to meet this guy, the next step would definitely be the divorce! You've got to step out of this and really, really see it for what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Plan C.. Get legal representation.. your mariage and the problems and drama are getting ready to get real bad.. You need to protect yourself.. get an Attorney on retainer... NOW. You don't have to file.. but someone other than yourself needs to be looking out for you right now Do It !! Link to post Share on other sites
Author uksurfer Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 I hate to rub this on you... but I told you so! Arrgh. If anyone says that to me again, I'll... I'll... I'll... Seriously, though, yeah. I know. I need to move now. This is so f***ed up. A few weeks ago, she was telling me she loved me every day. Now, she's telling some 24 year old kid that she's never actually met that she loves him. Wha? Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 I agree with A_C. You don't need the drama. And seriously, would you want her back knowing that she may make that trip some weekend??? Aside: Are you still in love with her??? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 Aside: Are you still in love with her??? I'm thinking he still is.. that is okay.. You can still pull the trigger on representation and protecting yourself and still be in love with her.. I was when I hired a Attorney and when I filed for divorce... it was after that the love went away with her reactions to my actions Link to post Share on other sites
Author uksurfer Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 Aside: Are you still in love with her??? Ummm. Yeah. Totally. f***. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 I agree with A_C. You don't need the drama. And seriously, would you want her back knowing that she may make that trip some weekend??? Aside: Are you still in love with her??? Ohhhhh~! (Cover and ducking!) Wrong question to ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 Ummm. Yeah. Totally. f***. Get tough.. start looking out for yourself.. get out of this drama.. this is not the first time or the first guy she has done this with.. she does have a past.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uksurfer Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 I know I'm in the UK and the laws will be different, but what are your views on me winning full custody of the kids here? Facts - She works full time and is out of the house 8am - 6pm, refuses to give up her work, and can't afford to pay for childcare. - She has already moved out away from us into a rented room where she can't possibly have the kids to stay anyway. - I've been the 'primary carer' now for months - basically, I've done everything for the kids (schools/meals/bedtimes/etc) for a while now, because I run my own business and can fit my work around the kids. - She's being irresponsible in that she's running around telling 24 year old kids who she's never met that she loves them. Anyone got any views on this? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 The time for being Mr. Niceguy has come and passed. I'm not saying its time to push the Armaggredon button ~ but its definately time to up the DefCon rating at least a notch ~ if not to its maximum. Any and everyone that's been following this for the last several weeks, ~ knows that you've done all that you can do ~ have bent over backwards, repeatedly turned the other cheek and took more than most men would be willing to. One of the definitions of insanity is repeatedly trying to do the same thing over and over again ~ all the while expecting different results. Plan A is definately not working. Again since I don't believe in absolutes ~ especially when it comes to human behavior ~ I'm fairly certain that the wife is off on a wild goose chase, and the consequences need to be spelled out to her if she goes through with this third rate rendevous. It would even be one thing if you were still in the dark ~ (easier to seek someone's forgiveess than their blessing) but now that the cat is out of the bag ~ all bets are off. If she goes ~ it will be her that pushed the Arrmagedon button ~ not you. The ball is in her court ~ but the control is in your hands. You're in the power position. I know your hurting right now ~ and you're stumbbling and fumbling through life ~ but there are things that you've got to DO right her and right now ~ to make sure that you stay in a position of strength and control ~ and that you can negotiate an impending divorce from that position. I absolutely assure you ~ that you need to be very selfish in all of this. Very selfish, and once you've got control of all the maritial assetts that you can gain control of ~ you can afford to be a magnagminus as your heart dictates for you to be. Its a question of the "golden rule" he or she who holds the gold ~ makes the rules ~ just that plain ~ just that simple. You have GOT to face up to the ugly truth of reality ~ and that dictates that a sick three legged cat would have a better chance against a pack of half-starved wolfs ~ than you do of putting this back together. Not that it can't be done ~ but you may find yoursefl in a place where you just don't have the heart to put it back together. You've made a tremendous investment of time, effort, energy, and money in this relationship ~ with very little ROI (Return on Investment) here of late. You've got to contact a lawyer ~ and you've got to CONTROL that SOB, and not let him control you ~ nor your life ~ and if you get the wrong one ~ you're going to find yourself somewhere you don't necessarly want to be. Right off the top ~ you need to try and get a copy of her internet and cellphone bill ~ it can be done for a price ~ even in the UK. This show intent. I understand ~ clearly I understand ~ that a lot of what is going on here is MLC on her part. But, you've got to "man~up" and do what you GOT to do that is in the best of the children and yourself. I'm not familiar with UK law ~ but clearly ~ legally she's abdonded you, the children ~ the family ~ and that puts her in a very precarious situtation with the courts. Whatever you do ~ don't rollover and just hand the children to her ~ you'll live to regret it! I'm here for you Bro! Guns Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 If you havent already, start documenting everything you do, and everything she's failed to do regarding the kids. Keep it as objective as possible, just the facts, no emotion. If you want to write your emotions, keep two journals, one for the court and one for you. Uk, I'm so sorry. Honestly, as you already heard a million times by now, it doesnt make any sense. Are you SURE she's not on drugs? Or worse, maybe she's doing her own "shows" to solve her money problems? I dont want to scare you, but there's so many crazy things she could be doing. Even IF the guy is so much younger than the two of you, he's still a man, and he might not be a very good one. She is putting herself in potential danger. She's already saying ILY to some dude over the internet she's never met? I met my exh over the internet, and that STILL sounds so wrong to me! Protect you and your kids first! Get legal representation and start working on the papers. If she changes your mind, you can always stop the proceedings or even get remarried. You dont have to emotionally divorce her, but just legally. You dont want to regret being dragged into her mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 I'm thinking he still is.. that is okay.. You can still pull the trigger on representation and protecting yourself and still be in love with her.. I was when I hired a Attorney and when I filed for divorce... it was after that the love went away with her reactions to my actions It wasn't the problems ~ issues we had during the marriage It wasn't the affair with the 22 year old when she was 35 It wasn't the separation It wasn't the divorce No the reason, my XW inspired me to quit smoking ~ drinking and live a healthy lifestyle was so that I would out-live her ~ so I could go and drink a case of beer and p**s on her grave was all the crap she pulled after, and long after we were divorced. I will NEVER forgive her for that! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 If you havent already, start documenting everything you do, and everything she's failed to do regarding the kids. Keep it as objective as possible, just the facts, no emotion. If you want to write your emotions, keep two journals, one for the court and one for you. Uk, I'm so sorry. Honestly, as you already heard a million times by now, it doesnt make any sense. Are you SURE she's not on drugs? Or worse, maybe she's doing her own "shows" to solve her money problems? I dont want to scare you, but there's so many crazy things she could be doing. Even IF the guy is so much younger than the two of you, he's still a man, and he might not be a very good one. She is putting herself in potential danger. She's already saying ILY to some dude over the internet she's never met? I met my exh over the internet, and that STILL sounds so wrong to me! Protect you and your kids first! Get legal representation and start working on the papers. If she changes your mind, you can always stop the proceedings or even get remarried. You dont have to emotionally divorce her, but just legally. You dont want to regret being dragged into her mess. Good advice ~ the Penguine has spoken! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 Get tough.. start looking out for yourself.. get out of this drama.. this is not the first time or the first guy she has done this with.. she does have a past.. "The best predicator of future behavior ~ is past behavior" Dr. Phil Link to post Share on other sites
Author uksurfer Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 Whatever you do ~ don't rollover and just hand the children to her No way is that ever going to happen. Those kids are mine. She ain't having them. No chance. I can't help think that she's shooting herself in the foot here with regards to the kids. And dgiirl - yep, I'm documenting all of this already. No, it doesn't make any sense, but I'm 100% sure that there are no drugs or anything like that. I honestly think it's a hyperspace case of MLC - she's feeling like she's getting older, she gets hit on by a 24 year old, and she gets herself addicted to that. That's the drug she's taking. Thanks for the support, dudes - I really appreciate it!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author uksurfer Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 "The best predicator of future behavior ~ is past behavior" All true. But I've been with her for 7 years and there's been no signs of something like this kicking off. I honestly feel like I'm going to vomit. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 I know I'm in the UK and the laws will be different, but what are your views on me winning full custody of the kids here? Facts - She works full time and is out of the house 8am - 6pm, refuses to give up her work, and can't afford to pay for childcare. - She has already moved out away from us into a rented room where she can't possibly have the kids to stay anyway. - I've been the 'primary carer' now for months - basically, I've done everything for the kids (schools/meals/bedtimes/etc) for a while now, because I run my own business and can fit my work around the kids. - She's being irresponsible in that she's running around telling 24 year old kids who she's never met that she loves them. Anyone got any views on this? Document, document, document. That's one of the reasons you need a lawyer ~ so he or she can send one of their flunkies around to take affidavts from friends, family, neighbors. "UK ~ Oh, yea! He's the greatest of Dads! You always seem him out and about with the little ones!" etc, etc, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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