Well, folks. Tonight. The. Shit. Hit. The. Fan.

[Trimmer]

I echo these last points from iron_m... I don't know if "bankruptcy" is legally the same thing in the UK as it is here, but unless you are going to collapse without her financial contribution to the family, this does sound like a pretty drastic step. Avoid anything drastic right now. You are the stable one who has things together, don't add drama to your own situation. Stabilize, stabilize, stabilize.

 

Are you doing things just to upset your STBXW? if you go into that you are giving her a lot of your energy, energy you have to save for you and your kids. Maybe it is better to do things that are good for you and the kids, no matter if that makes her happy or sad.

Yes! And I go one step further. This goes against your instinct which says that understanding and communication are critical in a marriage, but at this point, even trying to understand what is going on with her is a waste of your precious energy that you need to conserve for yourself. Running through all the scenarios of "what if" her bubble bursts, what if she asks to reconcile, what if a coconut falls on her head and makes her realize what she's doing - these are a waste of your energy.

 

It's time to turn to your future and start directing your energy towards that. If any of those other things happen, then at that time, you can say "Please give me some time to think about this", at that time, you can calmly survey the situation as it exists then, and at that time, you can make some rational decisions. But don't waste your energy now, thinking of what you will do in 10 possible scenarios that depend on her behavior, because that is wasted energy that you need for other things.

 

The scenario you know is in your future, is that personally, you are a dedicated father of two kids, you need to find yourself, and redefine yourself as an individual. Legally, you need to begin to protect those things, so commit to the process of going to learn how to do that.

 

Again, as before, I don't mean to be rough, but there is no answer out there for "why is she doing such a crazy thing", "what will she do next", "what will happen if she...." She will not give you insight, she will allow you no control. Do not waste your energy here.

 

Reaffirm your commitment to the things that you KNOW are a part of your future, your "self", and your kids, (excuse me, I understand that "children" sounds easier on the ear than "kids" to those of you who speak English instead of American... ) and get yourself moving forward again.

[Guest]

did you answer the phone when she called crying? I hope not. I think you're slipping into the driver's seat now. Just be strong, don't communicate with her except when extremely necessary for the kids. You can do it!! don't break down and answer her emails or phone calls or ANYTHING to chastise her on the phone or yell at her or let her know how bad you feel. The REAL shock for her is when she starts to think you don't really care any more. Trust me!!! You can do this, UKSurfer!!!

 

Exercise, read books, take care of the kids, do your work. With or without her, you are the shiznit. don't ever forget it. I almost did forget that I was a worthwhile person, but at some point the wife pissed me off so much I let everything go. And that's when she came crawling back. Not to get into details, because I don't want to unduly influence what you decide to do with your situation, but now I am happier than ever in the most loving relationship I could ever ask for. And I thought it would never happen to me again.

 

Good luck, man!! You CAN DO THIS!

[DesperateDad]

I'm with Trimmer on this one. It seems like you're about to take a lot of drastic steps. Can you hold off for a bit and see how things turn out? I'm thinking quite a bit about the self-improvement stuff myself lately and it seems like that is still an important thing to focus on. I'm also trying to force myself to stop obsessing about my relationship and move on to what's good for ME.

[uksurfer]

I'm with Trimmer on this one. It seems like you're about to take a lot of drastic steps. Can you hold off for a bit and see how things turn out? I'm thinking quite a bit about the self-improvement stuff myself lately and it seems like that is still an important thing to focus on. I'm also trying to force myself to stop obsessing about my relationship and move on to what's good for ME.

Yep, I hear you. But what's good for me and the kids right now is to get rid of this house, because covering this mortgage by myself is crippling me. And also to get rid of the debt I currently have - my bankruptcy will probably be forced by the Inland Revenue anyway, and going bankrupt is something we (as a couple) have been discussing for months and months now. It's not a definite, and I am getting advice on this, but it's a possibility.

 

But, all this is giving her a definite reality check, too. Because if I go bankrupt, she'll then need to shoulder all of the joint debt herself, which almost certainly means bankruptcy for her, too. She knew this anyway because we've been discussing it for months, and she knows that if we were still together, it's something we could support each other through. Also, if I sell this house (which i *really* need to do), it means she'll then also need to find storage for all 'her' stuff - she can't keep it in a box room - and decent storage costs more $$$ that she doesn't really have.

 

I have no intention of storing all her stuff for her for nothing.

 

These are all things that any sane person would be aware of when they split from someone, but it seems like her little fantasy world doesn't have an insurance policy for any of this.

 

And honestly, I'm not doing these things to intentionally make the situation difficult for her, or to aggravate her, or to upset her - I'm doing them to get my own life back on track without her. I get the feeling that she didn't expect me to start doing that so quickly, and that I'd hang around for a lot longer than this.

 

So hey, there's another little crack in the bubble.

 

 

Big question is what are you going to do when (not if) this happens? Do you have the balls to shut the door on her? (I didn't - and regretting it now).

Dunno. I'll cross that little bit of deadly, swirling, whitewater when I come to it.

[uksurfer]

An update...

 

I'm having minimal contact with her now, even though she's still occasionally emailing me and texting me. I'm only responding to her questions about the kids, and not following up on anything else she asks. It's tough. Really tough.

 

She came over one evening last week to babysit the kids while I went out to watch the footie. Before I left, I asked her which weekend she was going to fly out to see this EA kid. She said she wasn't anymore, because "it's more trouble than it's worth".

 

Hmm. Not entirely sure whether I believed that or not. Or what she meant by it. At the time, I thought she may have been exercising some kind of damage limitation to protect me.

 

Anyhoo, I went out, came in later, and she headed back to where she's now living. The next morning I woke up to find that she'd done a bunch of cleaning in the kitchen, and a bunch of laundry stuff. Strange. She'd also texted me to tell me that she'd gotten home safely. She only lives, like, 5 minutes up the road - so I'm not sure why she sent me that text at all.

 

She also came round on Saturday morning. Again, I asked her which weekend she was flying out (genuinely, because I know I'd have the kids all weekend and I could plan something with them), and again, she told me that she "can't be bothered", and that she's "too busy with work" to fly out there. She also said something like "aren't you not pleased that I'm not going now?"

 

I believed her that time. I really did. And I'm only speculating, but it honestly sounds to me like this 24-year-old EA kid has blown her out. Wonder why?

 

So, Saturday morning, she also starts getting upset because she can't see the kids as much as she says she wants to, and tries to blame me for it. This is all her choice - she's the one who decided to go rent a room in someone else's apartment, and she's the one who won't give up her job for the kids. I'm not stopping her from seeing the kids at all - she can see them as much as she wants, to be honest. She even still has keys to this house. Sheesh.

 

However, she says she wants to start coming round to the house more, to 'babysit' - but whenever she's done this, she's spent more time talking to me than playing with the kids. Hmmm. So I asked her if she could babysit the full day next Saturday, plus Saturday night, and she was really eager, like "ok... and I'll stay over on the Friday night, too, if you want". Huh? She's telling me that the reason why she took this room was because she "had to get away from me", and now she's staying over at 'our' house again at the drop of a hat. Huh? And throughout all of this, I still don't know what I did wrong.

 

Now... Friday/Saturday is going to be a tough one for me. Because on the Saturday afternoon/evening, I actually have a date , and she doesn't know anything at all about this yet.

 

So the situation is that I'm having my wife over to stay on the Friday night, only for me to go out on a date with someone else the following day.

 

Plus, my mother-in-law is also now trying to phone me every night - for whatever reason I just don't know. I've avoided answering the phone up until now, but I'm gonna have to answer it next time, I think.

 

s***. This is getting more complicated by the minute.

[dgiirl]

I hear that bubble about to explode lol. Please, DO go on the date Saturday. Just make sure you are completely honest with the new girl.

[uksurfer]

I hear that bubble about to explode lol. Please, DO go on the date Saturday. Just make sure you are completely honest with the new girl.

 

No, I'm going alright! She sounds like a lot of fun and she's got a son, too, so she's got her feet firmly on the ground. She's also, umm... 8 years younger than my wife. Hee.

 

Oh, and I have been completely honest with her. It all still feels quite weird to me though, which I guess is normal for this kind of thing. I also haven't done anything like this for at least 7 years now!!

 

Sheet!!

 

Wish me luck.

[CryingCanuck]

Not sure if you read my posts recently but I did almost the same thing you are contemplating, the first time, it was simply a walk in the park getting a Tim Horton's ( for you UK an some Yanks) that's a very popular coffee shop and donut place here in Canada.. I regress.....

 

Well the first time I went out it was sort of exciting, but the next time, ( not the same person) it was a flop. I told this person where I was at but to recap, I wasn;t anywhere near where I thought I was and the evening was very awkward, and I will not repeat that...

 

I've a lot of growing and moving on to do, much more than I realized, anger had driven me, but that is slowly dissipating and now reality to the situation makes it that I know I'm neither good for myself or anyone else fo rthat matter at this stage... I'm going to stop seeing anyone for a while and try to sort out my fears, hurts and frustrations and ANGERS without having a deflection available because eventually someone is going to get hurt.

 

Dgirl, did you make it back already?

[dgiirl]

CC, Yah i'm back for the moment. Although stress is building fast

 

As for dating, CC, I'm in the same situation. Personally, I'm not ready, and it's been almost 1.5 years already. I really needed the time to myself, but it does help to know others are interested. And recently, I've had two guys interested. It freaked me out, and I pushed them both away.

 

UK, have fun, but dont move too quickly. Just think of it as making a new friend. Good luck!!

[Billy Bob]

Now... Friday/Saturday is going to be a tough one for me. Because on the Saturday afternoon/evening, I actually have a date , and she doesn't know anything at all about this yet.

 

OMG, tables turned! Don't get smoochey with your wife Friday night or the date Saturday night will lose its desired effect. You have to let it leak out that your going out on a date! Make sure you have a back-up babysitter lined up in case she bails when she finds out your going on a date with another woman.

 

Sounds like the bubble has popped, she knows she has screwed up and probably wants you to ask her to move back home. Your mother-in-law has probably heard the "what did I do" story from her daughter and is going to try some damage control with you.

 

Awesome, UK sounds like you are the one in control of the situation now, just sit back and watch her scramble! Of course you have to decide whether you want her back now.. I'd make sure I went on a few dates just to be sure your not ready for a newer model upgrade:p

[Billy Bob]

Oh, and if you really want to get her mind racing, stay out all night and show up the next morning at like 10 AM.

[Gunny376]

a buddy of mine in the Marines did. His wife was from Burma ~ and they had three children together, his OW ~ and American Girl got evicted ~ so he packed her up in his pickup truck ~ brought her home ~ told his wife, "This is my GF, she's moving in ~ you don't like it ~ you can move out!"

[uksurfer]

Oh, and if you really want to get her mind racing, stay out all night and show up the next morning at like 10 AM.

 

Dude, you read my mind.

 

Hee.

 

Not entirely sure whether the bubble is popping, though, or whether she's now just too stubborn to admit she's wrong. Or even whether she could stand to lose so much face by coming home again. She still seems pretty adamant that what she's doing is right, though, even though she damn well knows it's very, very wrong.

 

But it'll take a big person to step up and come back after something like this. I just don't know whether she's got it in her or not.

 

I've spoken to my mother in law and she was ringing to find out how the kids and I were, as she hasn't spoken to my wife for almost a week now - and they used to talk *every* day.

 

Oh, and my wife came round on Tuesday after work to do something with the kids, and said she also wants to come round Thursday (tonight) and cook dinner for us.

 

So much for being "desperate" to get away from me, huh.

 

Bizarro.

[uksurfer]

"This is my GF, she's moving in ~ you don't like it ~ you can move out!"

 

Or in my case - "this is my GF and her son, *they're* moving in to our 5 bedroom house by the beach. I'm sure you won't mind, seeing as you've already moved out into your 6x6 rented room."

 

[Gunny376]

It would be interesting,.......................to see her reaction.

 

However ~ I can hear it now,.................once again you mis-infered what she was implying when she moved out? She'll try flip it on you and turn it around.

 

One of the more interesting situation I've ever came across ~ was with one of my Marines.

 

He was young, and recently married, he and the wife off from home for the first time. As such ~ they sometimes bring their personal problems to senior NCO's

 

Lance Corporal: "Gunny? I've got a problem?

Me: "What's your problem?"

 

Lance Corporal: "My wife told me she's bisexual!"

Me: "What's your problem?"

 

Lance Corporal: "She told me that she like women, slightly more then men

Me: "What's your problem?"

 

Lance Corporal: "But she told me she wasn't going to leave me hanging ~

she was going to find me a girl friend

Me: "What's your problem?"

 

Lance Corporal: "Well, she found me a girl friend ~ alright!

Me: "What's your problem?"

 

Lance Corporal: "She moved in with us?

Me: "What's your problem?"

 

Lance Corporal: "My wife keeps hitting on my GF, and she doesn't like it!

:lmao: :lmao:

[VegasFan]

UkSurfer, did you get a lawyer yet?

[crazy_grl]

Hey uksurfer. I read your story on the other thread awhile back. Just now noticing this one. Glad things are going a bit more positively for you. Hope you give us an update on how the turns went. Hope it goes well.

[uksurfer]

Hey uksurfer. I read your story on the other thread awhile back. Just now noticing this one. Glad things are going a bit more positively for you. Hope you give us an update on how the turns went. Hope it goes well.

 

Jeez. What a day. That 'date' lasted, umm... 45 minutes, tops :laugh:, and I'll update later when I've stopped bawling. :lmao:

 

And VegasFan - yep, I've had legal advice and I'm in a good position. Got nothing to worry about.

[Mz. Pixie]

UK-

 

Her dropping by is her way of getting her emotional needs met by you. If you really want to send her into a tailspin do not hang around and have convo with her. DO NOT ASK about the EA guy, period. Just say, "Let me know as early as possible when you'd like for me to keep the kids for you to do something"

 

When she comes over- dress up- get a great haircut and a new outfit or something you have had that you look good in. Smell good. Better yet- have your DATE pick you up at your house!

 

And if she was staying over there is no Fing way I'd come home- even if I had to hit someone else's couch for the night or rent a room.

 

The idea is the illusion that you've got your own life and are moving on. She will start to freak big time!!!

 

You schedule when you want her to visit, then you plan to leave- as soon as she get there. No playing happy family unless she wants to work on the marriage and come home.

 

This is where ALOT of people get hooked up- because if you allow her to come over and talk to her etc then she's getting needs met by you and by her OM- and this will not force her to choose. It's fence sitting.

[Gunny376]

woman a "whoppie" doll! Bingo! MsP just hit a bullseye!

[uksurfer]

OK, here's how the weekend went. Jeez.

 

She arrived Saturday morning to pick up the kids. God, I hate that. Anyway, she asked me what I had planned, and I said that I'd be out all day, and most of the evening, too. She said "ok, well I might come back to the house with the kids for a while". I said "but I might come back here, though". "Is that a problem", she said? I kinda mumbled something, and she said "oh, are you bringing someone back?". I said that I possibly would be, and that was the end of that conversation. She put some stuff in the car, got mad at some kids' toys in the yard, and left without speaking to me.

 

Now, the 'date'. Hee. It was a dating site thing. We'd swapped pics, talked a lot on the phone, emailed, texted, etc. It all sounded OK. So we met at around 1.15pm outside of the art gallery we were going to see. Unfortunately, I'd only seen head shots of her, and she didn't have the kind of figure that I'd normally go for. To say the least. Shallow, I know. Sorry. But regardless, it just didn't feel right anyway. So the upshot of it all was that I was totally honest with her, and I was home again at 2.15pm. Yep, an hour later. Very awkward, to say the least. So much for the day, eh?

 

However, shortly after 2.15, when I was supposed to be still out on this date, my wife called my cell for something really obscure. She knew what I was doing, yet she still called to tell me where she was at, which shops she was heading to, and did I want anything. Huh?

 

Anyhoo, she came back to the house for a couple hours and we had a really nice afternoon with the kids. She's having them sleep over at her room tonight (ha, fun! NOT), and she was asking me why I wasn't going out anymore. I just said that I wasn't and we were joking about me sitting here all by myself - and I asked if I could come stay at her room, too, and she was all joking, like "what, you think we could get all 4 of us in my bed?"

 

Y'know, that sounded absolutely, bloody perfect to me. But it didn't happen.

 

So, anyway, she took the kids to her rented room to stay Saturday night, and I went to a friend's house to watch the footie. About 9pm, she texted me to say that she was bringing the kids back to our house because she couldn't settle them. I just know she was getting mad because she couldn't get them to sleep.

 

I said OK, and I just stayed over at my friend's house so she could still have a night alone with the kids, with them in their own beds.

 

My friend's wife also came home from work at about 10pm and said that she'd seen my wife today. My wife had told her that I 'd been 'spending the day with his girlfriend', and had apparently sounded really pissed at that. Gah. And arrrgh.

 

I arrived back home at about 8am Sunday morning, to find my wife lying on the sofa in one room completely under a sleeping bag, and the kids playing in another room by themselves. She had slept in our bed upstairs, but the kids had been up early. Anyway, the first thing she said to me as I came in was "I don't know how you cope".

 

How do I cope? I cope because they're our kids. I have no choice but to cope. I didn't say any of this to her, though.

 

A little later, she was asking me what I had planned for the day, almost as if she wanted me to ask her to come and do something with the kids. I actually said to her "do you want to do something with us?", and she just said she had things to do. I said "OK, no problem", and she immediately backtracked, and said something like, "if I did come, I'd have to go get changed first, but it would only take a minute".

 

However, my phone buzzed just about then and it was another friend inviting me and the kids out for the day. So my wife decided that she'd just head back to her place anyway.

 

And this is stupid, but I also emailed my wife Sunday morning and told her exactly what happened on this 'date'. How I was home again within 45 minutes. How it made me feel physically ill. How it felt like *I* was betraying *her*. How it made me realise even more that her and the kids are the three most important people in the world to me, and that the kids really, really don't deserve this. That I was actually physically sick when I got home afterwards. And how I bawled my eyes out shortly after that.

 

She replied about how she'd only told my friend's wife exactly what I had told her that morning - how I might be bringing someone back to the house. And that it was funny that this 'date' lasted 45 minutes.

 

And then this is the really stupid part: she signed the email with a kiss. That's something she hasn't done since she decided it was over, and she used to do it almost religiously - on virtually every single email she sent to me.

 

Damn, I'm just analysing this waaay too much. I gotta stop doing this.

 

(Oh, and I've completely given up dating, too - for now at least.)

[Billy Bob]

And this is stupid, but I also emailed my wife Sunday morning and told her exactly what happened on this 'date'. How I was home again within 45 minutes. How it made me feel physically ill. How it felt like *I* was betraying *her*. How it made me realise even more that her and the kids are the three most important people in the world to me, and that the kids really, really don't deserve this. That I was actually physically sick when I got home afterwards. And how I bawled my eyes out shortly after that.

 

Ugh! Why did you go and do something like that.. I mean you clearly had her bothered and on the hook, but you just yanked the bait right away.

[Mz. Pixie]

Aggggrrrrrrrrh

 

You should not have told her any of this.

 

As you can see, when you pull away she wants to pull you towards her. If you'll continue to do that she may get to the breaking point and decide she wants to reconcile.

 

You're not giving her money are you? If so STOP. She doesn't have the kids, you do.

 

"How do you cope?" Are you freaking kidding me?? They are HER KIDS!!!

 

What mom in the world says that??????????????

[Lor]

UK, I've sat here for the past hour and read thru your post--don't ask me why, I'm supposed to be working. Did she by chance happen to see a doctor for depression and get on some meds? Maybe she wants you back and doesn't know how to try to set things right again. So, in her own little ways, she's trying to make it up to you.

 

In your first posts back in May, you stated over and over and over how much you love her and how your life is destroyed. If your love for her can die that quickly, maybe it wasn't as strong as you thought. (side note: my H has put me thru hell and back for 11 months--I still love him and would like to try) And, if it is, if she is sincere and has finally come to her senses, can you start over?

 

If she does, do you have it in you to forgive her? You're talking divorce and dating after 2 months? You've got it together a heck of a lot more than I do.

 

you sound like you're in the anger stage. Don't do anything rash...

[CryingCanuck]

I'm sorry about the "date" know what you mean............... if you had a chance to read my thread the past week or so, I tried that too. TWICE.....

 

Not a good thing right now..................

 

Seems to blow up inour faces, I've come to the conclusion that guys like us who come inhere and open our hearts have exactly that HEART, we still really do care for our past, even though that's maybe what it is the PAST. Who knows....

 

I think I'll wait until Dgiirl moves to TO and I'll send her flowers and candies and a bottle of Esta Lauder, and tickets to a show on Yonge Street and meet her there.... She's in the same place .......

 

Dating at our age sucks bud, not because we don;t knwo what to do, but we are still attached to our past...... I'm trying so hard to move on but after that last date I was on I've decided that I'm in no place right now to even consider that rediculous idea, and I'm going to wait at least another year.

 

Anyway bud... Keep in touch OK?