Well, folks. Tonight. The. Shit. Hit. The. Fan.

[Sup]

Remain on RED Alert though, I'm a smellin something. I hope I'm wrong, but anyway, you need to watch YOUR back. The thing that got me was the custody arguement thing. Better stay on your toes, and keep ALL info in a VERY safe place!

[PinkPippaCat]

I think the only thing you can do right now is hold it together for your kids. Not necessarily with her, but don't let what is going on affect them as much as humanly possible.

 

Also, be true to yourself. What is your gut feeling about this? To be honest, IMO, the feelings you have intially will be the ones that are correct.

 

Good luck & keep us all posted!

[uksurfer]

Also, be true to yourself. What is your gut feeling about this? To be honest, IMO, the feelings you have intially will be the ones that are correct.

 

Gut feeling?? My gut feeling/initial feling is that we were made for each other. That we'll always be together. That we'll always be there for each other.

 

Oh well.

[gabelee]

The response needs to match the problem. I haven't read your previous thread(s) but from what you have written in this one it sounds like your wife is going through some sort of crisis that may require help from you.

My half-sister went through a similar sort of thing when she hit ~40, and when her new, young honey gave her the old 1-2-3, she came back to her husband and kids on her hands and knees, ashamed, begging for forgiveness. She settled down after that. I think her hub would have been within his rights to send her packing, but love overcame the situation. I think it depends on how much you can stomach. If you're inclined to do so, get away quickly. If you're not, make some attempt(s) to help her. That way at least when "the sushi hits the fan" for that last time, you at least will know you did all you could to help her. That is, if she's actuall;y having mental probs. Maybe the other posters will disagree with me on this one, but that's my HO.

[Spurned]

Hey uksurfer, I have my own opinion on how you should proceed, and I'm sure you could deduce from my other posts on other threads my recommendations in your situation, BUT I'm sure you will end up doing whatever YOU in your heart want to do, regardless of any advice given. So I will wish you the best of luck, and implore you to take safeguards to protect yourself, your children, and prepare for the worst.

 

I hope everything works out for you, whatever that means. And it IS okay to still try to work it out with her BUT take safeguards for your own emotional, financial, and personal well-being.

[dgiirl]

To be honest, IMO, the feelings you have intially will be the ones that are correct.

 

Not to be the pessimistic one, but this definitely did not hold true for me. I would have bet my life that he would have come back. 1.5 years later, and he hasnt. Dont think he ever will. This is the first time my gut has ever decieved me.

 

Having said that, uk, just follow your heart. I dont think you'll ever regret it if you stay true to yourself and follow your heart. I know I did everything I possibly could, the best way i knew how to. I'll never regret that. I still wonder if there was anything I could have done differently. But I cannot see anything I could have done differently. I poured my heart out. I was willing to make the changes needed. I've improved myself 10 fold. If it's not good enough for him, well, it _is_ good enough for me, and hopefully for someone else.

[Becoming]

Man, UK, I can't believe how much my situation ~10 years ago mirrored yours today. My father got cancer, which contributed to my H's business going bust. I went through a major depression. We skirted the edge of bankruptcy. We had two small kids. Sometimes, life is just plain too, too much to handle.

 

What happened to us was that we were each too overwhelmed to take care of one another. And we really didn't know how to take care of one another; we didn't really know our emotional needs. So we got into the withdrawal and carping mode that just destroyed our marriage and beat us down even more.

 

My H would have been the last person on the planet I ever would have suspected of doing something as silly as an email affair. It is just so uncharacteristic. He plain and simple wigged out.

 

My hunch is that your W wants you to make a decisive move to ask her to come back. You probably have, but keep at it. It's like she can't tolerate any conflict, like she's there for the good times, but not for anything messy. She may just not have the emotional wherewithal at this point. You need counseling as a couple, and she needs some therapy to help her sort out all of the mess of conflictual emotions that it sounds like she has tumbling around inside keeping her in a turmoil of depression.

 

Keep on doing what you're doing, but check out the basic concepts part of the marriagebuilders site again. Beware of going into the Giver mode, though, to the degree that you fail to take care of your own needs and let her think she can do whatever and you'll be ok with it.

 

My H is a lot like your W. He withdraws when overwhelmed, which makes it almost impossible to relate at times. I really think your W wants you but doesn't want all of the problems that come attached with your marriage as it's become. I know I'd like to slap her (metaphorically speaking) and say, "Sorry, Babe. Grow up. Get help. And get on with it." But it sounds like she's just not there yet. But she may not ever be there unless she figures out she's going to lose everything unless she decides to step in and step up.

 

The thing is that if she's depressed, she really can't step up. She needs medical help. And she can't see it. It often takes someone else saying we need help for those who are depressed to see it. This person probably can't be you, but someone may need to make an appt. for her to see a dr. and then take her to that appt. and talk to the dr. with her. Her mom? Sister?

 

Glad you had a good weekend. Keep fighting the good fight as only you know how you need to do. But protect the children, please, including the little ones inside you and your W.

[uksurfer]

Man, UK, I can't believe how much my situation ~10 years ago mirrored yours today. Glad you had a good weekend.

 

Yeah, our situations do sound very alike. And I really appreciate you taking the time to write here.

 

The weekend was a weird one overall. Even my wife's sister and her family said the whole thing was really strange - like we seemed exactly like we were on any normal day when we were still together, except my wife left at, like, 10pm to go back to her rented room.

 

Anyway, after my wife's sister and family left at lunchtime on Sunday, my wife wanted us all to go out shopping with the kids, so we did and we all had a really nice time - singing in the car, etc, etc. We were just a normal family out for the day - something we've done a thousand times before.

 

Then, later in the afternoon, we all went to a party for some friends of ours. Again, weird. Little kind of flirty undertones between us all the way through, and she told me that "she just needs some time". Later, she left to head back to her room, and I saw her out and she hugged me and got really upset.

 

Anyway, 10 minutes later, I realised that she still had my house keys in her bag, so I had to race up to the station to grab them from her before she got on the train. We ended up hugging, and she got upset again, and missed her train and had to wait for another one.

 

I just don't know what to make of it all. I'm f*cking exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.

 

But protect the children, please, including the little ones inside you and your W.

 

Great quote. And that's just what I'm trying to do in all this...

[Lor]

UK, hang it there. sounds like you both are almost there!! Give her "the space" she needs--she's already coming back around. I truely believe she's realized how wrong she was and now has to overcome her guilt and embarrassment for leaving a wonderful husband and 2 kids for the younger guy. Or the idea of the younger guy. I bet she doesn't talk to a lot of her friends or family right now, does she? That is an indication of being embarrassed.

 

As far as the custody deal she brought up, she's still confused. More than likely she's wondering if you will really trust her anymore, can she trust herself, can you really forgive her and move on, can she make this up to you. Let her keep the room for a while. I bet she's doing a lot of thinking while she's there.

 

Her showing you the text messages is her way of trying to regain your trust. There is nothing wrong with the dates you are having with her; you are starting over on your relationship. I agree you need to let her know what you want from her but she needs to tell you what pushed her away in the first place. What she was lacking that turned her head to someone else, and work on it from there.

 

You give me hope.

[uksurfer]

I bet she doesn't talk to a lot of her friends or family right now, does she?

 

Nope. She used to talk to her mum *every* night without fail, and now there's not been much contact at all for the last few weeks. Same with friends, too.

 

Let her keep the room for a while. I bet she's doing a lot of thinking while she's there.

 

I agree. Again, it's weird, though, because her living in this room just makes the whole situation feel *exactly* like it did before we moved in together - only for the wrong reasons, of course. Like, I get excited when I know she's coming round, and I'm always glancing out of the window so I can catch a peek at her as she's walking down the street.

 

I agree you need to let her know what you want from her but she needs to tell you what pushed her away in the first place.

 

That's something I'd dearly love to know, because I'm at a total loss about that.

 

You give me hope.

 

I'm full of it. *Hope*, that is.

[Lor]

She really is lucky if you can work it out. Don't forget that.

[Becoming]

She may not even be able to articulate what happened, but I agree with Lor. This is key. She may feel too weak to be able to do this without the strength of a third part--i.e. a marriage counselor.

 

My H. is similar. The marriagebuilders site helped him have the language to be able to understand and then talk about what's going on with him.

 

I think her getting angry that day was because she wanted to move closer and custody talk was a barrier to that. You need to let her know what it is that she can do in order to move closer and put this behind you--i.e. tell you what drove her away in the first place, no more nonsense with another, agree to see marriage counselor together, or whatever you need.

 

But right now you just want her back and will do whatever that takes to get her back. And that's good. But you can't do this at the expense of yourself and what's good for your marriage--not just for her. You're in this marriage, too, and if you aren't fully and honestly, you'll end up back in the same place again in a few more years. That's why even though it feels counterintuitive in many ways, you have to set some "rules" (can't think of better word) that will serve as stepping stones to get back into the marriage and help it navigate through the murky waters ahead.

[uksurfer]

OK, I'm trying to read the signals here, but I'm failing miserably.

 

After being really upset at the party on Sunday, my wife came round to our house again after work last night. She wouldn't really say why she was upset Sunday, but anyway...

 

We took the kids out for a meal, and we sat and talked while the kids went off and played. Nothing heavy, just general chat. But it was nice. She caught me looking at her a couple times, and kinda playfully said 'stop it'. But it was definitely playful. Nothing more. Not forceful at all. More jokey than anything else. She's coming around again tomorrow evening, and she also asked me if I wanted to go with her and the kids to a festival that's happening at the weekend. I said yes.

 

So we got up to leave the restaurant and she asked me if the plan was for her to drive back to her room later. I said 'why not just stay at the house?', and she agreed straightaway. So back at the house, we played with the kids for a while, I went out for a blast up the coast on my bike for half an hour, and she put the kids to bed. Then we just watched TV, had a couple drinks, chatted until late, and then went to bed - in separate rooms, though. I'm trying my damnedest to not put any pressure on her.

 

Then, 6am, I went downstairs from the guest room where I'd been sleeping and checked in on our room, and both kids were in bed with her. I went downstairs to make her a cup of tea and jumped in bed with them all when I came back up. We played with the kids for a few minutes, then they went off and played in their rooms, leaving my wife and myself in our bed - for the first time in weeks. Again, I'm trying to give her as much space as I can physically manage, so all I did was take her hand, and we just lay there and held hands, talked, and listened to the kids playing. It was really nice.

 

Then I had to leave for a meeting, and she went off to work, and we've since been sending chatty text messages to each other this morning.

 

If she really was set on splitting, would she be doing all this? Like I said, I think I missed the 'Reading Signals from Women ' training course when they ran it down at the University of Life, Faculty of Hard Knocks.

[Lor]

Oh, UK, that is so great to hear!! Keep doing what you're doing--it's working!! Keep the pressure off, the conversations lite. When she's ready, she'll approach you. She's already started by asking if she was to go home after dinner.

 

Keep up the dating. You are making her remember why she fell in love with you in the first place. You are a kind, gentle, understanding and forgiving soul and most women should be so lucky to meet someone like you.

 

Do you have a brother??

[ThumbingMyWay]

. You are a kind, gentle, understanding and forgiving soul and most women should be so lucky to meet someone like you.

 

Do you have a brother??

 

here I am...

 

first off, Hello Lor, I have just read a few of your posts and I feel for you. I am a btrayed husband, so I know what your going thru.

 

 

UK,

 

I must say, you remind me of me and I have been following your story from the start. Myu only advice, I would still proceed with a little caution....treat her nice, but dont be a push over. Stand your ground, but bend when its approperiate.

[Lor]

Thanks, Thumbing.

 

And thanks for the note.

 

I agree on being cautious and yet, you need to let your guard down a little to try. If you are suspicious of every move and action your spouse makes, it makes it hard to move forward. At least that's my opinion. On the downside, if you keep opening yourself up to trust, you end up getting your heart shattered. There's no easy answer.

[Gunny376]

infamous British "stiff upper liip" and "resolve"

 

"Steady as she goes! Steady as she goes!"

 

The others are right, "Date your mate~! Slow and steady! Accentuate the positive. Get her to smiliing, laughing, and giggling again. Get back to being the UK that you were when she first meet you. Get her fall back "in love" with you (and then damnit keep her there!!!!!)

 

Damn UK! I'm beginning to believe that you might actually pull this all back together? Just go slow, and approach her as though it was the first time.

[Gunny376]

My X just didn't have the ability to articulate her words, her feelings, and what she wanted and needed from me ~ she just couldn't do it.

[uksurfer]

Do you have a brother??

 

I do. Taken, though. Sorry. Hee.

 

If you are suspicious of every move and action your spouse makes, it makes it hard to move forward.

 

I'm not suspicious at all any more, to be honest. In fact, I needed to quickly check my email on my phone once or twice while we were out last night (because I was expecting something important to come through for work), and she (half-) jokingly said "I think daddy needs to be somewhere else tonight - he keeps checking for text messages!" I told her what I was actually doing and showed her the texts that are stored on my phone - they're ALL from her.

 

So I jokingly said "your turn", half expecting her to be a bit wary of showing me her phone, and she showed me, no problem. It's almost like she wants to know that I'm not texting anyone else, which said a lot to me, and I'm now pretty sure that the EA kid is out of the picture, too.

 

Damn UK! I'm beginning to believe that you might actually pull this all back together? Just go slow, and approach her as though it was the first time.

 

Jeez, if I do pull this off, I owe you all a beer, 'k. This is going to one damned big round to buy.

[Becoming]

Yeah!!!! :bunny:

 

Oh, hell, everyone missed the reading signals from your SO course. That's why we have to ASK!

 

She wants you, brother. She wants you. And I think she'd like you to make a move. But I'm not there, so I could very well be wrong.

 

Just tell her you want more than anything to have your wife back and want to respect her wants and needs as well as your own but that you're confused as to what to do.

 

I get the feeling she wants to be a dependent child. No judgment. We all have that side--so do you. But we all have to find the responsible adult in us to take care of those children in us as well by negotiating out the way to have a good life that will protect everyone's dependency/intimacy needs.

 

Sometimes, the child part of us takes over and needs to have the responsible adult in our mate lead us. You can lead without forcing, though. Just tell her you want to respect her needs and are confused as to what to do and that more than anything you'd like to move closer but want to respect her space. You can also tell her that since she's the one who left, you're assuming she'll be the one to bridge the gap between you.

 

I think you're building to something here . . . . :)

 

Prayers for healing goodness, strength, and wisdom.

[Lor]

I do. Taken, though. Sorry. Hee.

 

Story of my life.....

 

I'm now pretty sure that the EA kid is out of the picture, too.

 

He's total history; look at her body language. She wouldn't be relaxed around you if he was still there in the background.

[uksurfer]

Just tell her you want to respect her needs and are confused as to what to do and that more than anything you'd like to move closer but want to respect her space. You can also tell her that since she's the one who left, you're assuming she'll be the one to bridge the gap between you.

 

I like the sound of that. I'll give it a little while, see how things develop, and tell her something like that, I think. Thanks, Becoming.

 

He's total history; look at her body language. She wouldn't be relaxed around you if he was still there in the background.

 

I like the sound of that, too.

[grateful]

hey uk! A cautionary congrats to you in your potential reconciliation. I've read most of your thread, might have missed some of the middle, but wanted to add another word of caution. Two things in your update stuck out at me... you slept in the guest bedroom and you brought her tea in bed. While it is important to show her respect and that you care I'd be careful with, as ThumbingMyWay noted, being a push over.

 

She is the one who had a little crazy moment and hurt you. She should have to work to show you that she deserves to be given a second chance. Taking her back too easily might not drive home the fact that she screwed up, she put the family in jeopardy (emotionally and financially - you were thinking about selling the house, etc), she is the errant party. Like TMW said, bend when appropriate. But bending over backwards might let her think she can just go nutty on you whenever she wants - which is a selfish way to cope and deal with problems.

 

Good luck to you!

[Gunny376]

and I'm now pretty sure that the EA kid is out of the picture, too.

 

If he's not, I can send Vinnie and Tha' Boys around to pay him a visit, and persuade him otherwise?! :mad:

[uksurfer]

Two things in your update stuck out at me... you slept in the guest bedroom and you brought her tea in bed. While it is important to show her respect and that you care I'd be careful with, as ThumbingMyWay noted, being a push over.

 

Yeah, the sleeping in the guest room thing is because I'm trying not to pressure her at all. I'm in no rush. I have plenty of time. The tea thing is something I used to do for her *every* morning - just like there were a bunch of things she always used to do for me. No big deal.

 

She is the one who had a little crazy moment and hurt you. She should have to work to show you that she deserves to be given a second chance. Taking her back too easily might not drive home the fact that she screwed up, she put the family in jeopardy (emotionally and financially - you were thinking about selling the house, etc), she is the errant party. Like TMW said, bend when appropriate. But bending over backwards might let her think she can just go nutty on you whenever she wants - which is a selfish way to cope and deal with problems.

 

Yeah, I totally understand what you're saying, and this is something I'm gonna have to work out how to deal with for myself. Thanks for your words, though.

 

If he's not, I can send Vinnie and Tha' Boys around to pay him a visit, and persuade him otherwise?! :mad:

 

Guns, I can assure you that me and my mates have already discussed this option in great, great detail. ;)