Well, folks. Tonight. The. Shit. Hit. The. Fan.

[grateful]

Yeah, the sleeping in the guest room thing is because I'm trying not to pressure her at all. I'm in no rush. I have plenty of time. The tea thing is something I used to do for her *every* morning - just like there were a bunch of things she always used to do for me. No big deal.

 

 

Quick clarification: I'm not saying she should have to put out. I'm saying she should sleep in the guest room. Or on the couch. Or in a tent on the lawn... OK maybe that one is going too far.

 

You seem like such a great guy - - it's good you are reminding her of that but don't give her all of the things you used to do for her all at once. Make sure she values the fact that you are giving her another chance, rather than just expecting you to do so.

[uksurfer]

Quick clarification: I'm not saying she should have to put out. I'm saying she should sleep in the guest room. Or on the couch. Or in a tent on the lawn... OK maybe that one is going too far.

 

Ahh, I see what you mean. Actually, *she* suggested that I sleep up in the guest room so I wouldn't have to get up for the kids if they woke during the night. She said that she'd do it. Our room is right next to both kids' rooms, while the guest room is up another floor. And yep, they woke up during the night and she had to get up and see to them. Hee.

 

I did at first suggest that I made a bed up for her in the shed, but no dice.

[Lor]

I did at first suggest that I made a bed up for her in the shed, but no dice.

 

You didn't!

 

I don't think you're bending over backwards for her otherwise you'd be asking her to come home already. Things are on the right track and you seem to have a handle on it.

 

It is so nice to read an almost happy ending (..sniff...)

[uksurfer]

You didn't!

 

I did. She knew I was joking, tho!

 

I don't think you're bending over backwards for her otherwise you'd be asking her to come home already. Things are on the right track and you seem to have a handle on it.

 

It is so nice to read an almost happy ending (..sniff...)

 

Nah, I don't think I'm bending over backwards at all, either. I'm just trying to play this cool, to be honest. Trying to stay in control as much as I can. And the other thing is that I'm not sure that I want her to come 'home' as such *straightaway*. I think the dating thing could be kinda exciting, and sometimes I feel like this time we're having apart is useful in some respects. I think it's helping us figure out what we both really want in a marriage - I know it's helping me. Plus, she's got another, like, 2 months left on the contract for this place, too, that she'd have to pay for anyway!!

Man, I hate these games. :bunny:

[Billy Bob]

Well, just realize that even if she does come home, the aftermath of all of this, as in my case, is that when things do settle down your going to start questioning yourself as to why she did what she did and why is she actually back?

 

I was of the persuasion that my wife and I were mates for life, that we would stick by each other through good times and bad times. Once someone throws a monkey wrench into that machine its hard to ever trust those feelings again.

 

Is she going to wig out again when some other 25 year old starts paying her attention? Is she coming back merely because she misses the kids? Is she coming back because the grass just wasn't as green on the other side of the fence?

 

I find myself asking if my wife returned to me because it was just too difficult to make it by herself financially or because her fantasy of some other relationship/lifestyle failed.

 

UK, I went through a situation very much like yours and although my wife would like to think nothing is wrong now, it really put my own doubts into the relationship and sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off going hardline and dumping her ass when she wigged out and finding someone else who wouldn't put her spouse through the hell that you and I have gone through.

 

Just food for thought.

[grateful]

I did at first suggest that I made a bed up for her in the shed, but no dice.

 

attaboy! even jokes are a good way to remind her that your acceptance of her in your life is conditional. She has to show that she deserves the wonderful-ness that is you.

[uksurfer]

cta: I totally appreciate what you're saying, until this part...

 

...finding someone else who wouldn't put her spouse through the hell that you and I have gone through.

 

Who's to say that this 'someone else' wouldn't do the same thing? Hell, we never imagined our wives to do it, did we, so why would someone else be any different?

 

In fact, I'd argue that once you've put someone through something like this and seen first hand the pain you've caused (I'm talking about the wives here), you're less likely to put them through anything similar.

 

But that's possibly just me being naive.

 

Anyhoo, all you can do is decide whether you choose to trust again. It's entirely your decision, and you get to live with the consequences - good or bad...

[Lor]

Who's to say that this 'someone else' wouldn't do the same thing?

 

So true; its not like people wear nametags stating "Cheater", "Abuser", "Great Lover" (I wish), "Insensitive", "Romantic". Life would be so much easier.

 

Besides, people change over time with circumstance.

[Becoming]

I'm glad you're hesitant to let her back in. I've been worried you might bend too much, too. The dating will let you both negotiate a new, mutually satisfying way.

 

But, man, she's gotta talk to tell you what went wrong where and when and why or you can't find another way.

 

She's not gonna want to talk about it, I assume. But she's got to. And she may need the reinforcement of a third party--a trusted wise friend who'll hear both sides maybe, but a marriage counselor preferably.

[uksurfer]

Gah, I guess I'm still just after some reassurance here...

 

Last night, she came round after work, brought dinner for me and the kids, and we had a really nice night sitting on the sofa, playing with the kids, watching TV, being super chatty, etc, etc. I even started massaging her feet again, which she didn't object to. She made sure that I was still OK for Saturday (we're all going to a festival), read the kids a story, and put them to bed.

 

She left to head back to her room around 8.30ish - but not before coming over to me, putting her arms around me, giving me a big hug and kissing me on the lips. That's not something she's done since we split in May, and I didn't push for it - she did it totally unprompted. I then watched her walk off down the street to the station, and again, she stopped and turned every few yards to wave back at me.

 

She also emailed me today to ask whether I had any plans for Sunday, because she wants to come over and do something with us all then, too.

 

And here's where the reassurance bit comes in: are these really the actions of someone who *really* wants to break up a seven year relationship, and a two year marriage, where there are two kids under five involved?

 

She knows exactly how I feel about her, and I can't believe anyone (never mind the person I've been in love with for seven years) stringing anyone along like this.

 

So I'm *still* right in thinking that this is reasonably positive, right? Right? Arrgh.

[Becoming]

Oh, yeah. She wants you. :love:

[CryingCanuck]

In fact, I'd argue that once you've put someone through something like this and seen first hand the pain you've caused (I'm talking about the wives here), you're less likely to put them through anything similar.

 

But that's possibly just me being naive.

 

 

Bud, I went through total hell 13 years ago with my W as you well know reading ym thread, I mean with her depressive illness and her affairs, the horrible fights and a lot of other stuff.

 

AND it did happen again, also as YOU well know.

 

I left my guard down regarding that but eventually you have to or you will never move on and fix your marriage but stagnate

 

AND again I got hammered but not the same way . The kids are grown and I'm generally OK on my own but I still want what I might never have back maybe I'm the fool. You know burn me once shame on you burm me twice I'm the absolute IDIOT..

 

My marriage is, as far as I know, KAPUT, over, the end...

 

Basically, I'm the one not letting go but really it's my fault as much as hers because I refuse to give her a break and I call her on every lie, every broken promise every changed promise instead of just letting them go. In some ways it's maybe my way of getting even with her for what she's done in the first place....

 

All I know now is that she has no intention of ever coming back, and even if she did, would I want that? Not likely, it's a nice thoguht in some ways but s*** man is this going to happen every 10-13 years? right now, I want her to move away, give us both a real break an dbreating space and maybe down th e road see what happens.... BUT NOT RIGHT NOW

 

I'm trying to catch up to Dgiirl, she's moving on quite well now, but she's had a lot longet time to get used to the idea.... AND both my W and I really are in no hurry to Divorce..... Maybe 5 years down the road, who knows but not right now.

 

Guess what I'm saying is the reasons for her coming around may be well and good and honourable, she loves you and misses you and if so GO WITH IT,

 

But you two will need a s***LOAD of coucelling and hard work and TRUST rebuilding before this mess is solved.....And put behind you, took us two full years after we got back together the first time.

 

CC

[Mz. Pixie]

She's coming along I think UK. I agree with Becoming.

[scrybe74]

Man.....I'm usually a pretty positive person ...but I've been reading this whole thread (and the last) and I remember your pain and confusion and they way she spoke to you and how she treated the kids. I don't see this ending well. Not with you letting her have her cake and eat it too. But ...then again...you're adn adult and you know her better than any of us so go with your gut.

 

If her being halfway and noncommittal is acceptable for your future relationship then there may be hope for you two.

[uksurfer]

I remember your pain and confusion and they way she spoke to you and how she treated the kids. I don't see this ending well. Not with you letting her have her cake and eat it too. But ...then again...you're adn adult and you know her better than any of us so go with your gut.

 

Yeah, I remember all that, too, and I do have reservations, but my gut is telling me that things might be OK here. Thing is, if this is down to depression or a f***ed up coping mechanism because of a s***ty 18 months, then I think I can forgive someone freaking out on me like that.

 

If her being halfway and noncommittal is acceptable for your future relationship then there may be hope for you two.

 

Nah, that's not acceptable. But something to be talked about.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't think you should be doing anything differently right now, UK.

She seems to be responding very well to you. You're putting out some positive energy. That said, there are two things to bear in mind.

 

One.... You don't want to do this indefinitely. If she becomes complacent with the status quo, you're going to want to change tactics. I'm talking about complacency that shows no sign of change over a period of time. You don't want her to be comfortable with leaving you on the back burner percolating.

 

Two.... If she's a drama queen, you're going to want to spend some time thinking about if you are really up for this kind of shake up every couple of years. If she craves drama... you'd be wise to insist on therapy before you allow her to come back. Otherwise, the problem won't be resolved.

[uksurfer]

I don't think you should be doing anything differently right now, UK. She seems to be responding very well to you.

 

Hmmm. OK. Well about an hour ago, we got to talking and she told me that when she said that she had 'hope' for us getting back , she didn't actually mean it that way, and that all the kissing and hugging she's been doing is her way of just 'being my friend'.

 

She says she needs time to 'get her head together', and that right now, all she wants to do is get her own house where the kids can come and stay.

 

****. I guess I'm no good at reading those signals after all, eh.

 

Needless to say, I got upset, and she left.

 

And so much for gut feeling. How the **** can someone end a marriage and immediately want to be the kind of friend who kisses and hugs and all that ****? I'm really ****ing freaked out by all of this.

[Ladyjane14]

How the **** can someone end a marriage and immediately want to be the kind of friend who kisses and hugs and all that ****? I'm really ****ing freaked out by all of this.

 

I think it's probably okay to negotiate "friendship" after divorce, UK. But not during negotiations. How are you supposed to know that she's not just keeping you percolating on the back burner? How do you not she's not play-acting with you so you'll be nice while she dumps you?

 

You can clarify all that by letting her know that you're not interested in being her buddy outside the confines of marriage. Fact is.... you can find better "friends", ones who don't f*ck up your home deal for arbitrary reasons.

 

Let her know that she's not welcome to play with your head. She can either deal with you honestly... or not at all. Don't let your fear of losing her keep you from saying what you need to say.

[CryingCanuck]

Seems like it's a pattern here buddy.

 

Almost the exact same thing happened and is hapening with my situation. They asy one thing, act as if they are really unhappy with what they have done, sounds like a momentary thing, then a little later totally recount or say that WE misunderstood what they meant.

 

The hugs and kisses are nice and at the time WE think things are changing but what I thinknow is, that they haven;t let go and are looking for s sign the neither have we but they want to pursue their quest for whatever it is they are looking for. Maybe I'mout to lunch my friend but it sure sounds like your wife and you are going through almost exactly th esame pattern as I have.

 

On a number of occasions, we were intimate and everytime afterwards it's her who says things are improving then later pulls away. I don't believe anything told to me anymore by her, I basically just say yeah that's good and try to forget it.

 

Actions my friend speak much louder than words.... So if you have the patience, which I thought I did but no more I don't think, hang tough don't read anything into what is said until such a time as she comes out and says this or that, AND then, and only then if she says something you are scared you might misinterpret, ask, in clear language. I do that now, pisses her off but then there is not misunderstanding.

 

CC

[Billy Bob]

Hmmm. OK. Well about an hour ago, we got to talking and she told me that when she said that she had 'hope' for us getting back , she didn't actually mean it that way, and that all the kissing and hugging she's been doing is her way of just 'being my friend'.

 

OK, UK, she's telling you she doesn't want the husband/wife relationship anymore with you. She's coming around all the time because she is missing her kids.

 

I think if you want her back its time to go "Plan B", for both any chance of getting her back and helping you move on if she doesn't. If she doesn't want to be your life partner, then cut her out of your life and find a new partner (eventually). She wants to eat her cake and to have it too.

 

Being great "friends" isn't going to work when you find out she's shagging some other guy every night or vice versa.

 

Time to see the writing on the wall, your wife moved out, wanted to meet with other guys and has no intention of being anything other than great friends. Your enabling her fantasy bubble.

 

There is something going on here that your not seeing. I don't know what it is, but I have a suspicious feeling. What is she doing all the time she's not with you or the kids? I doubt she's sitting all alone in her little one room apartment?

[Becoming]

WTF????

 

It's time to put your rules down in accord with what you want and need to do to take care of yourself and the kids.

 

Be honest; tell her you want her back, but only under x,y,z conditions. Until she decides shes wants to be your wife, though, tell her the conditions under which you will see her.

 

She's had a little taste of what she's missing now. But she needs to seriously grow up, and you need to heal.

 

I'm sorry, UK. But you have to be clear what you want and need now instead of playing whatever sick game she's playing.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. This isn't good, and you need to decide that you're a person who goes with the good and won't admit the bad.

[Spurned]

UKSurfer, your wife IS confused, and she's rewriting her version of events to keep you on the backburner. She doesn't want to divorce outright, and she'll be affectionate, but she doesn't want to get back together either, so she'll reinterpret her actions in a way that seem neutral. Most "friends" don't do a lot of prolonged hugging and kissing. I prefer the female "friends" who give other benefits, but to each his own.

 

I think you may already know this, but it's important to read and digest what I'm going to say: Your loving, attentive attitude is perpetuating her indecision and giving her the power to make you crazy.

 

I'll bet if you did the 180 and cut off ALL extraneous contact, loving behavior, and accommodation, your wife would start to realize that SHE COULD REALLY LOSE YOU. And then when she gets a little desperate, you could get some purchase on the situation and dictate more of the terms. Like, her getting counseling. Like, her realizing what a negative impact she's having on the kids. As crazy as this sounds, she won't fully understand the ramifications of her actions until you completely withdraw and offer no more of that hunky, wonderful person that you are.

[Woggle]

I would just tell her she can see the kids but that is as far as it goes. I would also see a lawyer to get your legal ducks in a row just in case and if this continues file for divorce. Why delay the inevitable? Don't get confused by herr actions. Women do soem cracy type of stuff that will screw with your head. Many of them are just plain crazy.

[Sup]

OK, UK, she's telling you she doesn't want the husband/wife relationship anymore with you. She's coming around all the time because she is missing her kids.

 

I think if you want her back its time to go "Plan B", for both any chance of getting her back and helping you move on if she doesn't. If she doesn't want to be your life partner, then cut her out of your life and find a new partner (eventually). She wants to eat her cake and to have it too.

 

Being great "friends" isn't going to work when you find out she's shagging some other guy every night or vice versa.

 

Time to see the writing on the wall, your wife moved out, wanted to meet with other guys and has no intention of being anything other than great friends. Your enabling her fantasy bubble.

 

There is something going on here that your not seeing. I don't know what it is, but I have a suspicious feeling. What is she doing all the time she's not with you or the kids? I doubt she's sitting all alone in her little one room apartment?

 

 

Time to CUT the cord, file for DIVORCE and go for sole custody of the children. Don't let her string you along anymore. Also go for ABANDONMENT on HER part, also use any and ALL info you have recorded, you'll need it. Time to move on with YOUR life. I wish I was wrong about smelling something wrong in the air.

[CryingCanuck]

If you have a chance, and I think maybe you have already read my thread but maybe go over it again, you might get a bit of insight on what your W may be doing...

 

Mine has and still is in some ways doing the same thing... In the end it really comes down to this. basically I have/HAD come to realize, we can hang tough, be patient and maybe hope a little, but always in the back of your mind is that they are really,..... I MEAN THEY ARE REALLY.... messed up.

 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this but this yo-yo routine they put us through is messing with our heads, but their heads are already so messed they don't see or really care what they are doing...

What a pair you and I are...................