Addictedtolove Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 So, I've got a secret. Wanna know what it is? I AM ALWAYS EXTREMELY JEALOUS! Do I ever show it? i swear to you, NEVER. I never make it known that I am jealous. I just feel pain flow through me when another girl even talks to my boyfriend, yes it's gotten that bad. i don't want to be demanding, i don't want to make him feel smothered. So I never let anyone know and everyone believes I'm one of those people that can never get jealous. I frequently hear "Oh Caroline are you mad at me? I only hugged him in a friednly way!" and another one of my friends saying "Oh cmon! You know the answer to that! Caroline doesnt get jealous!" hahaha...oh YES I DO! I swear if emotions could show themselves in the eyes with color, my eyes would be bright green ALL the time. I don't know if the reason I get so potently jealous now is because I never got to express it when I initially felt it, but that's the way it is. It's gotten so bad i can barely tell what is flirting and what isn't anymore. This girl that my boyfriend has known since he was a little child, once came up to him and said in this voice, "Jefffreeyyy!!!!", it was playful, and he replied back, "Stephhhanniiiee!!!!". Then they laughed and moved on. I swear to you, I honestly can't tell if it's flirting or just two people playing around. Anyways, my question is, does anyone have advice on how to quell this? It is SO hard to never tell anyone about my jealousy or express it at all in any way shape or form. I don't know if I'm just possessive or what, but even the girl who sort of knows I can get jealous still doesn't really think so. She starts playing this game like trying to make him uncomofrtable by flirting with him. Yeah...imagine how I feel THEN. ugh. So yeah, any advice? breathing exercises? Ways to express my jealousy without going mentally insane (though i might be already!) Link to post Share on other sites
ash8752 Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 Honestly, i dont have any real advice, except that what you are feeling is a fear of losing him. I have a case of jealosy and insecurity too although i am working through it. I used to hate if my bf went to bars and parties without me ( i was always invited but sometimes i didnt want to go), now i am making a consious effort to be ok because if i want this to work i need to trust and love him as if he couldnt hurt me. You cant stop someone from screwing up, if they are going to cheat or do something stupid, they will do it no matter what. I guess my advice is try and think other things when you suspect flirting (which in fact is probably him just being friendly with the opposite sex). Do take deep breaths and find a friend you can confide it. Carrie in Sex in the City even says to get through things you need your friends. I'd be screwed without my bestest. You need to vent it so that it's not always building. Your friend can give you an opinion so you can hear whether or not it seems harmless or seems like flirting. Good luck...trust your bf...and try and be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
jezabel Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 I was like that for years! Exactly the same. And my advice is: SAY IT! EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS! PLEASE, TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND HOW YOU FEEL! Otherwise you will see a problem in everything. You will se a problem in the most innocent things. You probably already do. If your bf doesn’t understand, find someone who does. Your feelings of jealousy will not go away by just ignoring them. Take it from someone who spent a lifetime hiding it. I was too proud to admit I’m jealous. Being jealous was beneath me. I thought I was so cool. And I was suffering in silence, thinking that I don’t have the right to be jealous. I am 38 now. I am in a terribly complicated situation in my life. I am still trying to solve the issues with the man who loves me deeply and sincerely. He’s been checking out other women all his life. Sometimes he’d be flirting with them. Once, he tried to have sex with one – only because I said I don’t mind! I was jealous all the time but never said a word! After ten years of silent suffering I told him! I couldn’t stand it any more. He said he would stop looking at other women and it means nothing to him. And he did. He said he would never try to have sex with someone else. He said he always wanted me and I was the best thing that has happened to him. He gave me all his passwords… He is sincerely trying to get us back on track … He is doing everything he can and more. He even stopped to go to any kind of social gatherings. But I can’t trust him anymore, because I spent so much time building up my jealousy, I can’t go back. If I told him earlier, he would be in a position to do something earlier. We would have the chance to grow together. We both love each other so much, but we are on the verge of breaking up. Because of my feelings that I bottled up for years. Tell him now b4 it’s to late. Please, don’t make the same mistake I did. Sorry, but I feel so strongly about this. No wonder, it’s ruining my life. Link to post Share on other sites
PerfectLee Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Whether you believe in it or not, I'm a Scorpio, and anyone who is a Scorpio can relate to the different levels of jealousy. Some jealousy isn't possessive, some jealousy is actually GOOD! Me and my girlfriend have an understanding in our (beautiful) relationship that we set boundaries. We've had the TOUGH convo's about what makes us jealous, what is considered TOO FAR, what kind of flirting is okay, and honestly I can say that as jealous of a person I used to be, I am no longer as bad. There really needs to be an understanding, and I don't know how long you've been with your bf but you have to talk to him! You have to tell him "Look, I value our relationship & I want us to be on the same page with a particular subject. I get jealous..a lot, and I want you to take it in a sense that I care about you that much, and although flirting and talking to other girls may be innocent, these are the things in particular that bother me." If he knows you, he probably knows that you're crazzzy (no disrespect-you said it yourself lol) but you've got to stand your ground and let him know that for the sake of your relationship, it needs to be discussed. I hope that helped, I can be a little crazy jealous at times, but what really helped in my relationship is that my g/f knows by my facial expressions when TOO FAR is TOO FAR and she'll stop, and vice-versa. It's not OK to disrespect your S.O. or to give them the slightest indication that you want another. Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Jealousy is going to run him off, honey. Guys especially can't stand that... especially if they aren't doing anything wrong. I think a lot of men have the mentality, that "if she's going to blame me for it... I might as well do it." I've heard a TON of my guy friends say stuff like that. Not right, but it's their opinion. Sounds like a bit of counseling may need to take place for this. Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Some people come to the realization that jealousy is, for the most part irrational. It's like, you need to realize when it's starting, and stop being consumed by the feeling of it. Rationalize in your mind and seperate the feeling from the reason and think, honestly, "Is this a reason for me to be consumed?" 9 out of 10 times it isn't. You may end up running him off, like someone said. I would see if you could manage it first, before I start spilling beans. If it comes down to it, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to break up and startover. YOu could get on a site like webdate and find someone. -R- Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 So, I've got a secret. Wanna know what it is? I AM ALWAYS EXTREMELY JEALOUS! Do I ever show it? i swear to you, NEVER. I never make it known that I am jealous. I just feel pain flow through me when another girl even talks to my boyfriend, yes it's gotten that bad. i don't want to be demanding, i don't want to make him feel smothered. So I never let anyone know and everyone believes I'm one of those people that can never get jealous. I frequently hear "Oh Caroline are you mad at me? I only hugged him in a friednly way!" and another one of my friends saying "Oh cmon! You know the answer to that! Caroline doesnt get jealous!" hahaha...oh YES I DO! I swear if emotions could show themselves in the eyes with color, my eyes would be bright green ALL the time. I don't know if the reason I get so potently jealous now is because I never got to express it when I initially felt it, but that's the way it is. It's gotten so bad i can barely tell what is flirting and what isn't anymore. This girl that my boyfriend has known since he was a little child, once came up to him and said in this voice, "Jefffreeyyy!!!!", it was playful, and he replied back, "Stephhhanniiiee!!!!". Then they laughed and moved on. I swear to you, I honestly can't tell if it's flirting or just two people playing around. Anyways, my question is, does anyone have advice on how to quell this? It is SO hard to never tell anyone about my jealousy or express it at all in any way shape or form. I don't know if I'm just possessive or what, but even the girl who sort of knows I can get jealous still doesn't really think so. She starts playing this game like trying to make him uncomofrtable by flirting with him. Yeah...imagine how I feel THEN. ugh. So yeah, any advice? breathing exercises? Ways to express my jealousy without going mentally insane (though i might be already!) I have no advice to give you but I just wanna express solidarity with you. I'm 34 year old guy and I suffer with terrible jealousy and I seem to be completely unable to control it. The only relationships i've been in where I didn't feel terribly jealous is in one's where my love for the girl wasn't particularly strong. The problem for me is when I fall in love I fall hard so damned hard that it inevitably means I end up suffering terrible heartbreak. I broke with my last girlfriend 2 weeks ago after 8 months which might not seem long but I fallen head over heels for her. I never really showed my jealousy and always sucked it up but inside it was like a dagger through my heart and to make thing's works the girl in question was very flirty and no i'm not just saying it because i'm the jealous type she would say the same herself. Now that our relationship is at an end the jealousy is a million times worse and I feel so upset and empty that i'm starting to feel physically ill. When I think of the girl I still love so much sleeping with her new boyfriend well it's so awful I feel like I don't even wanna get out of bed anymore. Sorry, i'm of no help but I hope things work out for you and you don't lose your boyfriend. All the best Mark x Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 When I was still in the mid teens, I was insanely jealous (of course, what teen girl isn't ) I feel sooooooo sorry for my bf at the time. If he even looked in the direction of another girl I would just pass out, get angry, not talk to him, and then when I would talk to him, make him explain in detail why he would do such a thing!! Was she prettier than me?? Pretty pathetic. Then I grew up, and started to see how irrational and over emotional I was. I finally sat down with myself and went over in my head all the reasons of my jealousy. I wanted to know what it was I had a hard time with and why. Of course it all stemed from things like lack of confidence and low self esteem which is pretty common in women, so don't feel bad. Know that jealousy in any case is extremely unhealthy for the relationship and for you as a person. You need time on you own to realize what is behind your jealousy so you can accept it, attact it, and fix it. Maybe it would help if you talked calmly and rationally to your bf and tell him that you have a jealousy problem and you are willing to work on it. Just be sure not to start calling him out if he looks at another girl or goes over and talks to his girl "friends". There is nothing more unatractive than a bitchy, jealous gf!! It's something for you to work on, but it can be fixed. I'm not jealous at all anymore, and most of the reason is because I chose not to be. I hated the way it felt. Link to post Share on other sites
Magister Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 So, I've got a secret. Wanna know what it is? <> I frequently hear "Oh Caroline are you mad at me? I only hugged him in a friednly way!" and another one of my friends saying "Oh cmon! You know the answer to that! Caroline doesnt get jealous!" If your friends are asking you that, it probably isn't a secret. Honestly, you sound pretty young (no offense intended). So I don't suggest talking to him directly about the issue. If you can't get your jealousy under control, how are you going to stop from sounding angry when you talk to him about it? Why can't you get your jealousy under control? Most likely you have misdiagnosed the problem. No amount of breathing exercises is going to get those feelings to go away. It's not his hugging other girls that is causing your feelings, its your doubts about your relationship. Breathing exercises can help you get through those moments, but the feelings will keep coming back until you eliminate the cause--either by no longer wanting him to be your boyfriends or by making your relationship stronger. So here is the situation. Your friends are doing something you don't like and your boyfriends is helping them. Your friends are teasing you and he is helping them do it. That is not jealousy. In order to be jealous you would have to try to keep in him in the relationship even if decides he wants to go. Your friends are teasing you about your boyfriend's loyalty and he is helping them do it. So, you need to find out whether he is really disloyal or he is just clueless. The only really way to do that is to give him a guilt free way to break up with you. So what would I do? The next time this happens, I'd act pretty much normal until you got back home. Then I'd avoid the friends and the boyfriend for three/four days. Then I would call him and tell him, "we need to talk." Face to Face. Then when I met up with him, I would just ask him straight out. "Do you want to date other people?" I wouldn't accept anything but a yes or no answer. A, "If you want to" isn't acceptable. If he does, accept that. You know why you have doubts about your relationship then. If he asks a question instead of answering, I would ignore it and press him to answer. If he says no, I would give him hug. Of course, he will probably want to know where that question came from so then you can have all the honest conversation you want. Link to post Share on other sites
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