Divorce

[Leah]

Hi,

 

I was married less than a year ago. From what I gather, the first year of marriage is one of the hardest. (Or is it the 1st 3 years?). Anyway, my marriage is no exception, regardless of my pledge to "not be a statistic" when we were first engaged 2 years ago.

 

We had so many problems from the beginning that we attempted counseling. The couples therapist recommended that my husband persue independent counseling (as I was already in independent counseling), but after two sessions he just kind of puttered out. That seems to be the pattern. Read books about making marriage work, then forget. Read books about arguing effectively - forget. Make promises - break them.

 

The original problem has always been his low self-esteem. I don't know why (the therapist said this was related), but he also has a problem fibbing about little things. Stupid things, things that have no bearing on our conversation or interaction. I think, above all, he is a very fearful person. He worries on a constant basis and he is turning out to be exaclty like his father (UG!).

 

So, after months and months of arguing about the same issues, blah blah blah, I'm depressed. In the last few months I've started trying to simply concentrate on my own life, mentally separating myself from my husband because I simply cannot accept a life where I argue and cry every single day. So I go to yoga classes and meditation groups and take classes at the university and work and just try to keep myself occupied.

 

But after a while I looked around and things were peaceful, but we simply had stopped talking. I broached the subject of divorce because I do love my husband, but I think he deserves to be with someone with move similar values and goals in life, someone who doesn't purposely distance themselves emotionally. But he was devestated when I mentioned this (low self-esteem). I cried, he cried and we argued for about 8 hours straight, from 8pm to 4am the next day. Finally, I was too exhausted.

 

I admit, I am scared to being alone and supporting myself. But I feel like two people who can't get along don't need to aggravate themselves on a constant basis. I feel like sometimes you can love someone and simply not be able to live with them.

 

But I relented to my husband and we are embarking on our umpteenth attempt to "work it out". I hold little hope but I feel so bad whenever I talk to my husband about our relationship. He plays the guilt card almost as good as my Mom. I feel bad asserting my feelings. I feel empty, I feel like that well of love I used to have has been slowly dried out. Is there any way to replenish that love?

[Tony T]

Love has nothing to do with it. It takes much more than love to make a fulfilling marriage but a full tank of gas can help a divorce along quite well.

 

This will never be a happening thing for you. Think of the people in the WTC and know that each day could be your last. Do you want to spend it arguing with you husband?

[Cyberbeer]

Argueing with him over self esteem is not the answer. You are obvisouly well spoken and confident in yourself...so teach him what you know.

 

Become solution based, you both know the problem, no point in digging a soar wound. Think solutions..its difficult, but can be done. Women love to be told they look good, do the same to him.

 

"Reproof a wise man and he will love you, reproof a scoffer and he will hate you."

 

"Love is patient, love is kind, is never jelous..."