Spank'n'Rationality Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Well thank you....it all seems so innocent, although my mind is clearly thinking dirty...that I will admit...almost in a fantasy way, you know? I just didn't know that something so simple like sci-fi movie discussions could get that dangerous...I suppose the 60 emails a day back and forth was the first clue.... As a twenty-one year old myself, I do feel for this girl. I mean, she is young, and I do believe nieve (sp?). I mean, I have a thing for a guy who I work with, and who is older, married, and has kids, but as much as I like him, I would never go there. I mean, we talk, we call one another at work, and we are friends. I love him as a person, but he knows that he is married with kids, as do I. And in the end, the wife and children will always come first, as they should. It is fine to have a fantasy and talk about Star Wars/anything, as long as you both know that it is not going anywhere. People have fantasies, it is when you try to make them realities that you will find yourself in some sticky situations. There is no problem being friends with her, but if you think that it is going to jepordise your marriage, stop emailing her/talking to her; it's pretty simple actually. Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 If the roles were reversed, how would you feel if your wife was in your shoes? What would you want HER to do? I think that's your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 For the record it doesn't take a set of balls to cheat on ones wife.. it takes a total lack of good character.. ...and a few stiff drinks Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Gotcha...if something like the below happened on email today, perhaps this would be a step in the WRONG direction, correct? Hypothetical email to her: "Did you hear Paul Harvey's report today about people with migraines? i had to laugh...keep in mind i get them too" (assume for this story she got one last night...and the report, of course, states that A study of 20-somethings shows that migraine sufferers want sex more than people with other kinds of headaches.) Her hypothetical response: "Yes I heard Paul HArvey's report and they talked about it on TV last night and I was watching it with my mom. I laughed and she just looked at me and shook her head." I mean that would not be good if that exchange took place...thank goodness this is just a hypothetical.... What's with the "hypothetical" stuff? Are you lying to both your wife as well as a relationship message board? Please call your sponsor... you are getting into dangerous waters. I know because I let a flirtation go from something that felt like an ego boost into something that I desperately needed. I ended up kissing him and have been ever since painfully extracting myself from the addiction of the affair [and I call it such even though the physical part consisted of two kisses - - - all the time I wasted thinking about him and wondering what his deal was was part of the affair too]. And I don't have an addictive personality - have tried pretty much all drugs and just kind of shrugged my shoulder, y'know take it or leave it. The affair was so addictive I was shocked and finally understood a bit of what acoholics or drug addicts must go through. Please, please call your sponsor or go to a meeting. Look over your posts - - that last little need to know if the intern thought you were hot was the addiction trying to reel you back in (your mind tricking you into thinking I have just one more question I need the answer to in order to move on). Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Grateful has a good point. After you find out that she IS into you, then you'll want to know what it feels like to kiss her and be out with her. Then THAT won't be enough and you'll want to know what she's like in bed. And if she really even wants to go to bed with you. Be careful. This really is a slippery slope. Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 RC you're getting a lot of support here, people have given you great advice and haven't been judgemental. Had your posts been left at your conclusions on page 1 then we would all smile and think "pfew! crisis averted" but yet you come back and don't seem any stronger, clearer or more decided to mend things, on the contrary, repeat the same issues on your mind and even seem to enjoy telling us about the emails (the hypothetical ones that did in fact happen too, yes). That suggests you're already possibly into a serious addiction regarding this situation and it already sounds obsessive to a degree. Don't just tell us you'll get help just to get one more thought on why she does this or that, get it really and get it now. You're not deceiving us here but yourself and your family. Once you get into counselling make sure to tell your therapist the whole deal in details, he or she will know you need to be coached into how to react to the opposite sex while having boundaries -too late for that with this girl now-. To everyone else, I don't mean to be negative to RC, God knows we've had enough of that on LS in the past few days but we're at this point collectively becoming enablers of the addiction if we keep giving him the juicy parts -perspective into her thoughts, explanations for his actions, etc-. It's still incipient which makes it insidious and easy to mistake for less but it's there without a doubt. RC, I really hope your next posts will be about how you booked a meeting with a therapist, what marriage building tips you picked up and what you intend to do on the constructive side. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Woah, nora, you are taking this a tad bit too far. He sent an email being firendly, there's nothing wrong with that. Are you not going to speak to any women because you are married? I'm sure your wife isn't that insecure. Actually, he's been sending 60 emails a day, according to the thread title. This particular email has sexual innuendo in it. All it would take is one person (maybe the girl herself) to see that, and he could be in for a sexual harassment claim and his wife would certainly learn about his behavior. He's already confided in a co-worker about his flirtation...how long do you think it's going to take for word to spread around the office? I don't think I'm over-reacting at all. This stuff happens every day. People at my company have been fired for such flirtations because they were using client computers and the client had their tech people monitor emails. What if his boss saw he was emailing back and forth 60 times a day when he was supposedly working? Of course he can speak to women even if he's married. This goes beyond speaking, don't you think? Have you read the whole thread? Link to post Share on other sites
hyakku Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Actually, he's been sending 60 emails a day, according to the thread title. This particular email has sexual innuendo in it. All it would take is one person (maybe the girl herself) to see that, and he could be in for a sexual harassment claim and his wife would certainly learn about his behavior. He's already confided in a co-worker about his flirtation...how long do you think it's going to take for word to spread around the office? I don't think I'm over-reacting at all. This stuff happens every day. People at my company have been fired for such flirtations because they were using client computers and the client had their tech people monitor emails. What if his boss saw he was emailing back and forth 60 times a day when he was supposedly working? Of course he can speak to women even if he's married. This goes beyond speaking, don't you think? Have you read the whole thread? Yes, and I would probably be more worried about being fired than his wife. Really, all he has to do is cease the "sexual innuendo" though it has only happened a few times. Here's the thing, if he was emailing a guy friend about star wars, would there be anything wrong? Whoever said that people have fantasies all the time is right. It's utterly ridiculous to condemn someone for their thoughts, its like the belief of the church that people who get jealous are breaking one of the ten commandments. That's ridiculous, if you see a hot woman, then just recognize its a hot woman and move on. If you can honestly say you haven't seen a guy and just said, "Wow I'd like to do him", without having to act on it, then that's pretty sad. You should be able to think one thing and do another. Honestly man, don't apologize for your feelings as a man. You have a penis and two balls. The woman is hot. All you have to do is accept it, realize that you are commited, and move on. If you feel your marriage isn't working, than break it off and go have wild sex if you'd like, but here's the main point. You are allowed to have sexual feelings and fantasies, its human nature. As long as you don't act on them or start depending on this woman to get you through your marriage or something equally wild, you will be fine. If you are that worried than keep it strictly to emailing about star wars, though it doesn't seem like you have waivered off that topic too much. Edit: Ironically being the nerd I am, I have been watching the old star wars movies . Just thought you'd like to know . Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Here's the thing, if he was emailing a guy friend about star wars, would there be anything wrong? If he said this: "I get VERY excited and thrilled when I email him or receive email from him...like I did when I was a teenager." then yes there would absolutely be something wrong with it. That's ridiculous, if you see a hot woman, then just recognize its a hot woman and move on. That's why there's a problem. He's not "just moving on". He's continuing a flirtation and spending a good portion of his day thinking about her. All you have to do is accept it, realize that you are commited, and move on. I agree with you completely here, and this is exactly what most people here have been telling him to do: move on and forget about her. You are allowed to have sexual feelings and fantasies, its human nature. As long as you don't act on them or start depending on this woman to get you through your marriage or something equally wild, you will be fine. He's already in the process of acting on them. Affairs don't happen all at once. People don't just walk into a room, meet each other, and get it on over the desk. (Not usually at least.) Affairs build up over time and usually start out as something like this that can be looked at as innocent. It's much easier to stop an affair from happening if you break off dangerous contact when it's in the beginning stages, and this interaction is clearly dangerous to his marriage or he never would have posted about it. If you are that worried than keep it strictly to emailing about star wars, though it doesn't seem like you have waivered off that topic too much. In his mind, he's already said that the conversation is more than just about Star Wars for him. And if he's really that interested in chatting about Star Wars all day, there's no reason he can't chat with someone else. I'm sure there are thousands of websites dedicated to exactly that. These emails aren't about Star Wars. They're about talking to this girl. (Sorry to talk about you in 3rd person so much, Rocco. ) Link to post Share on other sites
It'sMe Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 You are getting ready to cheat on your wife and ruin your childs life... Stop it. The young intern is exactly that.. a young intern with NO responsiblitites.. you on the other hand are not.. Start working on your marriage.. put the same energy into your wife that you are putting into the intern.. How about emailing your wife all day long.. tell her how much you want her That is such good advice and that is what has finally got me to respond. I have been lurking here for quite awhile now as the responses and respect that are givin on here are priceless.... Link to post Share on other sites
bella_girl Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 (this is my first post, although I've been reading the site for a while). I don't think anyone has addressed how this guy should stop the email stream, seeing as it is continuing but not necessarily about star wars... This is my solution: WORK... from personal experience recently I was having many email conversations with a guy i know, I liked the attention and I was interested in what he had to say about the world. Then work got really busy and my emails got less, in response his emails got less and now we hardly ever email. It's nothing personal or any reflection on our friendship its just what happens. If you just start writing to her things like - 'sorry have to get this finished', or 'about to go into a meeting', or 'its really busy here' and then not reply so much it will start to petter out. Personally I think she's bored, likes getting the attention and passing her time with a bit of flirtation. I doubt she'd realise how seriously you're taking this and its best if you can get it to stop and concentrate on your wife. I think the best way to solve the issue rather than 'I'm married, not interested etc' is to let the emails petter out, thus she wont feel offended and you can keep everything at a friendly coworker level (as that's all she is). Hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rocco Cranston Posted June 15, 2006 Author Share Posted June 15, 2006 Yes, the advice has been good...and I have done NOTHING with this intern. Since I have come to this website, I have told the intern we need to stop emailing...and the attitude between us has changed (MUCH less flirty and more cold...that's good) I am not saying I am perfect. I am not saying there isn't a part of me that "had to know" what she was thinking...THAT'S my struggle....if I didn't care that I was experiencing this temptation I would never have come here....yes, part of the thrill in this is talking about it...I realize I have A LOT to work on.... I was just being honest with my feelings with you guys. I wasn't trying to say the right thing....saying I am going to get help is not a line just to keep talking... I actually spoke to one of my best friends last night about it...he told me to remember the obvious, but also that this "puppy love" feeling I have WILL GO AWAY eventually....and that I once had the same feeling for my wife..... In other words, quit the B.S. and get back to reality.... Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 I think your best friend gave you excellent advice. One thing you have to remember is that girls are scandelous. Her whole reason for talking and flirting with you, may just have been to find out if she had the power to make you leave your wife. Once you did that, you would have been on your butt, with NOTHING, because I'm sure she would have left you high and dry. I think priorities are a little important here, and I think your wife and child should be number one. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Since I have come to this website. Props to you RC.. Coming here and laying it all out on the line for us to see and making changes for the better is a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rocco Cranston Posted June 15, 2006 Author Share Posted June 15, 2006 yeah, although I really don't think that was her plan...she was flirting a little bit...I got waaaay too excited about it and probably started to make it obvious...which she did not care for....we're at ZERO emails today so that is good.. Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 yeah, although I really don't think that was her plan...she was flirting a little bit...I got waaaay too excited about it and probably started to make it obvious...which she did not care for....we're at ZERO emails today so that is good.. Forget about her. You have a lovely wife at home, that I'm sure loves you more than anything, and a cute little kiddo. Who could ask for more? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 yeah, although I really don't think that was her plan...she was flirting a little bit...I got waaaay too excited about it and probably started to make it obvious...which she did not care for....we're at ZERO emails today so that is good.. Send a steamy one to the wife.. make her feel your love.. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 I've gotta commend you Rocco. First for recognizing the potential problem you were about to get into, second for seeking out help, and third for taking action in stopping the problem before it started. I actually spoke to one of my best friends last night about it...he told me to remember the obvious, but also that this "puppy love" feeling I have WILL GO AWAY eventually....and that I once had the same feeling for my wife..... In other words, quit the B.S. and get back to reality.... Smart friend. I agree with Art. Send your wife a steamy email. Maybe do something special for her, maybe something that you did for her back when you were dating that you haven't done for awhile to remind you of the feelings you had back then. Link to post Share on other sites
hyakku Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Yes, the advice has been good...and I have done NOTHING with this intern. Since I have come to this website, I have told the intern we need to stop emailing...and the attitude between us has changed (MUCH less flirty and more cold...that's good) I am not saying I am perfect. I am not saying there isn't a part of me that "had to know" what she was thinking...THAT'S my struggle....if I didn't care that I was experiencing this temptation I would never have come here....yes, part of the thrill in this is talking about it...I realize I have A LOT to work on.... I was just being honest with my feelings with you guys. I wasn't trying to say the right thing....saying I am going to get help is not a line just to keep talking... I actually spoke to one of my best friends last night about it...he told me to remember the obvious, but also that this "puppy love" feeling I have WILL GO AWAY eventually....and that I once had the same feeling for my wife..... In other words, quit the B.S. and get back to reality.... Is this intern working under you or someone else? Otherwise it would be pretty hard for her to do her job if she can't talk to her boss lol. But in all seriousness if you felt you couldn't stick to just talking about star wars then maybe it was a good idea to stop talking to her. Though I don't really see what's so hard about just sticking to talking about star wars. And a little flirting is normal, i mean it happens every day. What you need to do now that you have broken it off, is learn to differentiate between harmless flirting and potentially more, otherwise you aren't going to be able to speak to ANY women without being worried if you are going to cheat. One thing you have to remember is that girls are scandelous. Her whole reason for talking and flirting with you, may just have been to find out if she had the power to make you leave your wife. Once you did that, you would have been on your butt, with NOTHING, because I'm sure she would have left you high and dry. Not only was that an ignorant and generalized comment, but I'm more shocked thats coming from a woman. All girls aren't out to take guys from their girlfriends/wives. Hell, nearly everything i say to women has some type of flirting involved in it, but I can also have a regular conversation (its just more fun when there subtle flirting involved), you just need to be able to differentiate like I said. Sweepong generalizations about a gender make me mad. Link to post Share on other sites
cherriesred Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Rocco.... speaking from very personal experience (of which i came here to vent about too) ....you are a very slippery slope if you DON'T STOP NOW!!! I am also married coming up on 5 years, and "involved" with the HOT parts guy at my work. It started innocently enough....some across the office flirting (smiles, extended eye contact...etc) Then the emails started, all day long back and forth conversations, in which he constantly reminded me i was married. We established a "line in the sand" we were NEVER going to cross. Those emails turned into visits to his house........2+ years later. Neither one of us seem able to stop what we are doing, and we have crossed that physically line we both fought so hard against. (we haven't slept together), even though it's sparodic(sp) the physical contact is happening more and more lately. I can't even begin to count the number of time...he / i / we have ended it. Making a miserable few days at work....sometimes weeks.....although he wouldn't acknowledge that fact that we are some type of relationship....much like when any relationship ends...it's difficult to see that person all day long. The longer it goes the hardier it is to end it, the more you come to depend on it.....and it becomes easier and easier to fall back into it. Trust me!! No matter how wrong you feel it is, how much you want it to stop.......how much you want to be true to your wife (my case husband)..... Now i understand and have read everyone else's advice, and agree with the points they make that you should be spending your time and thoughts on your wife....i was given the same advice. I tried really really tried to stop what i was doing before we took it to that level .......i kept rationalizing that it was only "innocent flirting". Everyone here advised me that i was a train wreck waiting to happen if i didn't take the steering wheel and slam on the breaks. I should of listened......... Now i'm caught up in something I can't stop, i'm caught in something that occupies my mind, my body....my every thought. i'm caught up in something that is completely out of my control......i'm caught up in something that could cause such devastation in the lives of the very people i'm suppose love, cherish and protect......that didn't ask to be involved in my weakness. Please.....again from very personal experience STOP NOW before you are screaming down tracks unable to reach the brakes anymore!!! Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Now i'm caught up in something I can't stop, i'm caught in something that occupies my mind, my body....my every thought. i'm caught up in something that is completely out of my control......i'm caught up in something that could cause such devastation in the lives of the very people i'm suppose love, cherish and protect......that didn't ask to be involved in my weakness. You can stop, you still can, at any time. You, Rocco, and I - - we are all in control of our actions and behavior. Remember that you are strong enough, you can find the strength to stop. I've been struggling with this and there were moments where I thought it was out of my hands, but it never is. You are always stronger than your lust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rocco Cranston Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 Thanks all for the continued responses...I have read and thought about EVERY post on here...your advice seems so obvious... Nothing has happened with me and the intern. The emails have cut down tremendously. I even think she may have sensed that I actually had a crush on her and that may have had something to do with her distancing herself. However, I would be lying to you if I said I am not thinking about her at all...that "puppy love" feeling is still there, and I cannot shake it...I know, I am an idiot. I have started talking to my wife about when we met...the passion, etc that we had...I even looked at some old photographs of us from that time period (about 7 years ago) and have been trying to make things more romantic...flowers for no reason, for example... But the puppy love is at the back of my mind...I suspect it will die out, though... This intern was probably bored, liked the attention (what person wouldn't) and liked to flirt a little bit--END OF STORY. I don't think a 22 year old is thinking of hooking up with a married man with a kid...although I do remember when I was 22 I didn't even think about if someone was married.... There we go again with my alcoholic thinking...the "need to know what she's thinking" thing.... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 You can stop, you still can, at any time. You, Rocco, and I - - we are all in control of our actions and behavior. Remember that you are strong enough, you can find the strength to stop. I've been struggling with this and there were moments where I thought it was out of my hands, but it never is. You are always stronger than your lust. You stopped??!! and where did you find the strength?? because i sat here all day wondering to myself how am i ever going to stop this....being angry with myself for wanting it in the first place, today i ended all of our emails quickly saying i had nothing to say. Being frustrated because i don't have the strength to just say I don't want this.....being frustrated because when i did talk myself into thinking i could stop it... i would look up from my computer, see him.......and know that unless he stops it, i may never be able to. (i just want him sooo bad) Knowing at the same time he has tried to end it too, for weeks he hasn't talked to me, then he does.......and we end up back at the same spot.......over and over and over again. I often think that i should end our friendship because i can't be friends with him without wanting to....and actually crossing the line, but we have a connection that i know i would miss. (what do i want to miss more his friendship or my family life that could be destroyed if we were ever found out??!! ....i know, i know) Maybe i really truly should consider finding another job???? Link to post Share on other sites
melancholyaddict Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 First off, you say, nothing sexual....but your first comments were.. HOTTIE. I take that as sexual. You have to ask yourself, she's 12 years younger than I am, why does she want me? And 12 years from now, what will she want? I am sure your marriage is stressful, everyone's is. You have a small child to deal with. You have a wife to deal with who is obviously willing to stick around and do the right thing. You have to figure out what the right thing is for you. Not the easy thing. That would be to run away with the Star Wars Hottie. But is the the right thing for you long term? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rocco Cranston Posted June 20, 2006 Author Share Posted June 20, 2006 Again, thanks for all the advice...I am now going to share with you THREE of the "steamiest" emails we sent back and forth...none seem really "hot" and she appears to ignore them all.... FIRST EMAIL EXAMPLE Me: "We need to go scene by scene thru a Star Wars movie for analysis, commentary & observation" Her: (no actual response to that part of me email--but a happy & quick response nevertheless) SECOND EMAIL EXAMPLE Me: "I think I am emailing a pretty big geek right now....Sorry, didn't mean to call you "big" Ha!" Her: (no actual response to that part of my email--but a happy & quick response nevertheless) THIRD EMAIL EXAMPLE Me: "I would be psyched to see a SW film on an IMAX screen. We'll go and have Yoda chaparone" Her: (no actual response to that part of my email--but a happy & quick response nevertheless) See a trend?? She wasn't buying any of my pathetic attempts...she had every chance to play along and didn't...yet still emails back...weird... Link to post Share on other sites
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