His Ex

[teddi13]

My husband & I met just over a year ago. Within 2 months we had bought a house together. Four months after we met, we were married. I have 2 children. My son is 15 and has lived with his father for 7 yrs (we were divorced when he was 18 months old). My daughter is 3 yrs old and her father died when I was 2 months pregnant with her. My husband is in the process of adopting her.

 

My husband's son is 13 and his daughter is nearly 12 yrs old. His son has lived with him for 5 yrs and his daughter has always lived with her mother. They have been divorced since the children were under 3 yrs old due to his ex wife finding she was gay.

 

His ex-wife is very nice and we get along well. She comes to the house with her live-in girlfriend for all major events (even my daughter's birthday). Now, she is breaking up with her girlfriend because of a long history of issues. His ex-wife has recently found out she was pregnant due to a purely physical affair she had with a man who was very clear that he would never be faithful to anyone. She has decided, in her situation, it is best to have an abortion. Today, she went to the doctor to take the pill (RU-486) and was told she was too far along. Now, she's going to have a full abortion done in a week. My problem is she immediately called my husband to find out if he would take her. This isn't the first issue, but I've never mentioned it before because I was afraid I was overreacting. I don't have a problem helping her out from time to time, but I don't think we should be so involved in her personal life. Its to the point that, whenever anything comes up in her life, she automatically calls my husband. There's been nights that he's walked in the door from work talking her her on his cell phone, says a real quick hello, walks out the back door & talks her through whatever tragedies in her life for over an hour. I really feel that she's #1 in his life when it comes to friendship & I fall way behind. I know he loves me, thats not the issue. I just feel I should be #1 in his life...he's #1 in mine!

 

We also planned a family trip with my husband, myself & the 3 older children to an amusement park this summer. When she heard about it, she asked if she could go. My husband told me & then said it was up to me. I'm afraid if I say no, I look like the jealous, bitchy wife that I don't want to be.

 

Due to the abortion issue, my husband is not talking to me. Of course, it just came up today and, since I was at work at the time & he's working nights this week, we haven't been able to talk about it. I simply told him I didn't see why she was his responsibility. That was the end of it since I was at work. He swears she doesnt have any other friends that can help her out with anything. He's made the point in the past that she is the "mother of his children" and therefore deserves more. My main issue with that is I would love more that anything to have a child with him. Since he had a vasectomy after his children were born & we don't have the funds to have a reversal done, I feel like she'll always hold a special place to him that I can never have.

 

I love my husband more than anything. In every other aspect, we have a wonderful relationship & we have excellent communication. With his ex, I feel that he's so protective of her that he'll automatically take the defensive if I tell him how I feel. When I've brought up wanting a baby with him in the past (we'd really have to save up, but I wanted to put it out there), he automatically made the comment about going on a guilt trip.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions? Am I being overly sensitive?

[SARose61]

IMHO...the extent of the friendship between your husband and his ex was above and beyond the norm to begin with, so the stage was already set. Since they remained close friends she and he probably think it is only natural for him to support her through this. She has lost her partner, made a stupid decision and in her mind is turning to someone she has always been close to. So now how do you turn that back around after it has been going on for the longest? I wish I could answer that. Somehow he has to understand that their friendship is infringing on your marriage. How would he like it if you had a close ex, or male friend. Divorced people w/children should establish a cooperative relationship but it should not go beyond the needs of the children. Write him a letter, spill your guts out, tell him how all this makes you feel. Good luck.

 

Rose

[Magister]

First relax. Second, your feelings that your husband would get defensive if you told him how you feel are probably correct. Third, don't be mad at her for latching onto your husband, you'd probably do it too under the same circumstances.

 

Do NOT tell him. Do NOT send him a letter. Why not?

 

Let me get you to ask yourself some questions. At this point, do you think your husband has made up his mind which one of you he wants to keep around? Do you think he even realizes he is going to have to make a choice?

 

After you answer those questions, your going to realize that the reason your afraid to express your feelings is that you aren't sure how he would (truthfully) answer them. So don't ask him. No matter what he says, there is still going to be room for doubt. With the history the two of them share and the close, personal relationship he has with her, the only way your feelings of doubt are going to go away is if she goes away. You have already tried to get him to send her away, he wouldn't do it. Does that mean he doesn't love you? NO. What it means is that right now he is dealing with an internal conflict and you don't need to intervene. If you don't it is likely he will turn against you. Think of it like this, there are very few conflicts where UN peacekeepers are welcomed by the side that is winning.

 

"I shouldn't be conflicted like this. It's all Wife's fault. If she would just be supportive and understanding I wouldn't be going through this." Can't you just hear him saying something like that?

 

So just stay out of it; let him make up his own mind.

 

But what if he makes the wrong (i.e. the one you wouldn't like) decision? He won't because you are going to do the same thing his Ex has done--get his life and your life so intertwined that he won't notice you are messing up his relationship with her.

 

Tell him, "of course she can come" with you on the family trip. If he asks you what changed your mind, tell him you realized how mean spirited it was of you to try to tell him she couldn't come. She has been through a lot lately and you'd hope your family would try to cheer you up if you were going through hard times (and yes, she is part of your family because your husband thinks of her as family. So, she might as well be your sister-in-law as far as your concerned.) When she goes through that abortion, go with her yourself (best case) or you and your H go with her, but don't let them go by themselves.

 

You can probably convince him to let you take her instead. You're a woman, your husband is not. You went through childbirth, but he hasn't. You are more likely to know how hard this must be for her; he can't possible have a clue. He is probably going to be uncomfortable about the whole thing anyway (that is, he doesn't WANT to go, but he doesn't think he has a choice--he wants to do it because he thinks it is the right thing to do).

 

You go with her to that abortion and develop close ties to her, when she calls you can ask him what she wanted without sounding like a jealous wife. Your a woman and she is a woman, the two of you should have something in common. So find it and become her friend. When she is with you, she isn't with your husband. And since your her friend too, the two of them can't be together without actively hiding it from you. That makes cheating high risk because even if it does happen, you will surely find out about it.

 

That might not even be such a bad thing. If he does, you'd be justified in demanding he have no contact with her.

[slinkysu]

ouch! Tricky situation to be in.

 

first off - this is a pretty major event going on in his ex's life and she will need someone to be there for her, and at the moment that person is your husband as she has lost her life partner and it's a scary thing to go through, so just let him be there for her on this issue, but do try and sit down with him afterwards and explain to him that you don't feel like number 1 in his life right now and you both need to work on that.

 

Don't invite her on the family holiday - it is for you and the kids and it doesn't make you a bitch to want to go away with your husband and the kids for a few days. It's your alone time and your vacation time and no one has the right to intrude and you have every right to say no. If it becomes an issue then ask why it is so important that she be so involved in your relationship and tell her that you find it a little suffocating. If she is a nice person she will understand that she is stepping over lines and will respect your right to privacy with your husband.

 

I understand what you are saying - it is horrible to feel second place in a marriage and you both need to work hard to make sure that never happens. But i'd wait until this stressful period is over and sit down with your husband and explain calmly what you feel and how you'd like small changes made. That when he gets home he gets off the phone and you sit down and talk about your day together. That you need to do more things together and that he needs to remind his ex that whilst she is a friend and mother of his children, she isn't his repsonsibility and needs to be able to look out for herself more with her dramas as they are affecting his marriage to you.

 

Good luck and hope it all works out. It can be very lonely feeling second and i hope your husband wakes up in time to see the position he is putting you in.

[teddi13]

Thank you for your responses & advice. My husband actually brought everything up & we talked it out. Unfortunately, I suck at opening up, so it took him 2 hrs to drag everything out. By the end of it, I was balling and emotionally spent, but we're in a much better place now.

 

He does not see that she is dependent on him, but thats ok. His ex & I do talk and she is always invited to our house when we have get-togethers. He did tell me that as soon as he found out she was pregnant, his first thought was that her & I have such a good relationship & now that would go down the tubes. He was afraid that now it would turn into the typical jealousy of an ex because now she wasn't "safe" anymore (she'd now been w/a man instead of just women). The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was jealous of her, but not in the way he thought I would be. I was jealous because they got to make the decision for my husband to have his vasectomy approx 7-8yrs ago. So, even though I want to have a child with my husband, I can't. Yet, she can still have children (even if she doesn't want to). My husband & I are now discussing the possibility of him having a reversal so we can have a child. This is something we will have to discuss at length. I don't want him to do it just because its what I want. I know that if we have a child & its not truly what he wants, he will resent me for it. Since we're not in a financial situation where we can just pull $7500 out of the bank, we have time to think about it and talk about it.

 

What this whole situation comes down to is I need to learn to talk to my husband without being afraid of what he'll think or say. When I told him I didn't think I could ever measure up to her, he laughed. He told me that, where I've always put my children and family first, her priorities are all messed up & always have been. His example: My son has played soccer for 10yrs. For most of that time, he's lived 45 mins away (now we live in the same city). In that time, I have missed one game. I even made sure to make it to the last half of his game after my late husband's funeral (yes, this is my 3rd marriage). On the other hand, their son has been playing sports for approx 5yrs. His ex has made it to around 5 games in that time. I don't put myself above her because of that, but I guess he does. I feel that we each have to prioritize our own lives & no one has the right to tell us how we should do that.

 

As far as our family trip, she will not be going. We really need this time to bond as a family unit. Maybe the next time we go, but not the first time. My biggest issue was that she invited herself. It would've been different if we'd invited her.

 

I really have no problem helping her out, but she also needs to understand that this is a new marriage & family that we need to work on. I do feel badly that she has to go through all of this and am willing to help her out, but not at the expense of my marriage & family. She needs to take responsibility for her own life & not expect us to do it for her. That may sound mean, but thats how I feel. Its not like any of us are really young and don't know how to take care of ourselves--we're all in our mid-30's. Like I said, we will help her out & my husband is taking her to get the abortion. But, at some point, she needs to take care of herself. I know how difficult life can be. My late husband passed away when I was 2mos pregnant & I had to take care of myself. Yes, I had people to help me out, but it was mainly up to me & I understood that. I certainly did not expect my ex-husband to help me out.

 

I'm just glad I opened up & that my husband loves me enough & cares about me enough to try to understand where I'm coming from & to take the time to help me open up!

[slinkysu]

Well done! It must be a huge relief off your shoulders and it will also make it alot easier for you to talk about other things that bother you from now on as you've crossed the big hurdle of telling him your feelings now.

 

it's great to see he has re-assured you and it's good to hear you have talked it all through.

 

it's completely understandable that you feel the way you do with regards to him not being able to have kids with you and her being pregnant. Good luck with the reversal if you go that route. try and find ways to save the money and maybe mention it to very close family - they may be able to help out in small ways and every extra dollar saved is another dollar closer. (Heck -ebay old unwanted items - you could have a small fortune in your attic with old things you don't want and could start making some money that way - i know whenever we are short of cash we tend to find lots of old bits and pieces that other people want and it can add up over time!)

 

Good luck with it all and definitely the best move for not having her on the family holiday. She shouldn't have invited herself but good for you for having the strength and grace to say no - it's the right decision for you at this time and hopefully she will learn to wait to be invited rather than invite herself.