Second Chance or move on?

[Smung]

The Set up: met my ex at a business I went to in order to get some work done and found an immediate attraction. Established on the first date we had that special chemistry that could be a possible long term relationship. Lot’s in common, values, likes, dislikes, long term goals where the same, etc.. Typical stuff you feel at the beginning of a relationship. She was in need of much help as she was a struggling single mom that had financial problems that needed to be addressed and I was willing and able to help. On top of that her kids needed a male figure in their life that was more than what the real farther was either able or willing to provide. Eight months passed and many gifts that (I thought) was showing my love and affection. This plays a role later on as I will describe. Anyway, after about eight months she came to me one day and said “I don’t love you, sorry, but my feelings have changed. This was after buying another house and moving her kids in hoping to provide the stability and safe environment to grow our relationship to the next level. Meaning Marriage! Obviously I was crushed. How could someone that just the week prior was professing love and commitment change so quickly? Why was the person I had thought was my future wife not wants to even try and work out any concerns she had, but one day say, she didn’t love me anymore and moved her and the kids out two days later?

After a couple of emails, I think I have the basics of the problem:

1) We spent all of our time together and she felt she was losing touch with her friends

2) She was scared by moving in together as she fundamentally has a fear of commitment after being in a controlling relationship for a very long time with her ex.

3) She stated and her best friend (girl) that is was not another man involved for the break-up.

4) She needs to reconnect with her children as they are wild and I guess she felt she was spending too much time with me and neglecting them.

 

Should I go for Second Chance??

The problem is that she said the dreaded words that no man wants to hear! I still want to be your friend!! This of course is a way of saying “Hey, I like the emotional attachment we had and would love to use you as an emotional pin cushion when it’s covenant for me”!! The strategy I have employed is a modified NC. In order to keep the doors open to communication. I met her for about 10 minutes in person and said I would be her friend and she left relieved, but plan to give her space and employ NC as I want to see if she starts missing me and decided if the issues she was concerned about and forced the break-up outweigh the chance of reconciliation. While in is in effect I am having two good friends of mine move into this huge house I bought and plan a vigorous self improvement plan. I have been reading a lot about relationships and heart breaks and know that this is a up hill struggle and usually is not worth the effort as time heals the wounds and dulls the effects of the virus of love! Sorry, but sometime love acts like a virus and the cure is also the same. I’m just afraid if I leave a door open to communication that I will prolong the healing process and waste time expending energy that could be used more constructively

[Guest]

After a couple of emails, I think I have the basics of the problem:

1) We spent all of our time together and she felt she was losing touch with her friends

2) She was scared by moving in together as she fundamentally has a fear of commitment after being in a controlling relationship for a very long time with her ex.

3) She stated and her best friend (girl) that is was not another man involved for the break-up.

4) She needs to reconnect with her children as they are wild and I guess she felt she was spending too much time with me and neglecting them.

I'm gonna have to call bullsh*t on number 1 and number 4. Those two reasons sound like madeup excuses. Numbers 2 and 3 could be true, but I don't know the girl.

 

I don't know what to tell you, friend. My ex loved me and wanted to get married just last month. And now she doesn't. If I could figure out what the hell women are thinking I could write a book and make $millions. I know you have a thousand questions, just as I do, but I dunno if either of us will ever get the answers we need.

 

My tactic is going to be to keep in touch with my ex so that the gap between us right now doesn't get any wider. I don't want her to forget me. I'll just call and chat on occasion so that she can remember the reasons she liked me. The whole NC thing in these forums that seems to be everyone's Holy Grail to fix every relationship problem is not the best solution to solve my personal situation. My girl is a mature professional adult, not the prom queen.

 

If she loves me, then she'll eventually figure that out and come back. I don't know that someone can go their whole life without finding true love, then find it and prepare for marriage, then break up, then suddenly find someone else that's more suitable for a husband. But who knows?

 

Sorry you're in this mess with the rest of us. I feel your hurt.

 

Brandon

[GW7147]

Smung,

Sorry to hear of your break-up. Your circumstances almost mirror mine to a tee. Same scenario. Met my ex, she was going through a divorce (in the process of being finalized). We dated for about 6 months, spoke of marriage, she told me she was looking forward to spending the rest of her life with me, was content, never felt this way, looked forward to our future together etc...She has two kids 13 and 15. We went on vacation and 4 days later, she pulled the rug out from under me. I've been maintaining NC for about the past 5 weeks. It's been tough but I finally got to the point where I feel I'll give her space and if she finds I was as great as she said I was she'll try to contact me. Not sure if I would ever get back with her at this point. I don't want to be in a relationship where she can walk away at the drop of a hat. We never fought and everything was fantastic. I've been concentrating on me for now. Golf, working out etc.. I posted back in April. The thread was titled "Blindsided" if you care to get the whole story. You have to ask yourself "How important was the realtionship to her, if she could walk away so easily?" I ran into a friend who has known my ex for a few years. I was told my ex was probably scared of the commitment or knew she was really falling for me and chose to walk away. I said I didn't understand that thought process. I was then told, my ex walked away having the knowledge that she would know exactly where she would stand. How long has your ex been divorced from her husband? Has she had time to heal from that? I know where I stand with my circumstances but somehow feel she cared about me and wanted the realtionship, she just couldn't handle it. Make sense?

Keep posting, read my previous post and I'll keep an eye out for your future threads. Hang tough brother!! You'll make it through!!

Regards, GW

[Smung]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]GW-[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Yes, wow, very similar circumstances. Don’t get me wrong I’m sorry for your situation but it is comforting somehow to know I’m not alone in this. I actually paid for the divorce from her husband, 1 ½ years after they separated. I also think that she is still confused about her former husband of many years. What’s even worse is that I feel sometimes that she has a phobia of commitment because she feels she is not entitled to have a happy and fulfilling relationship with someone who treats her like a queen. The reason I paid for the divorce was she was not in a position to afford the lawyer and filing fees so in rides the knight on his white horse to the rescue!! [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Looking back at the relationship I have been pounding my head against the wall looking for clues as to why? I know that the Why really doesn’t matter any more, but I still want to know the bottom line. What I noticed is that I seem to fall for women in need. I’m figuring that it’s really me that is needy and that promotes a lack of self confidence. After reading MANY self help books I have come to the conclusion that what’s needed in this situation is SPACE and figuring out yourself (I.E focus on what you want out of a relationship) and not on what the other needs. In that way, I can start my next relationshipment.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]As to the kids.. Well, it hurt not being able to be around them. But as time goes on I seem to remember all the problems (baggage) that the Sudo-Family situation presented. The Ex would call nightly to wish the kids good night. She would also call to discuss issues with the kids. Not really and issue at first as never having kids myself I thought this was normal. After talking, she seemed to have a love hate relationship with her ex. He was abusive and depressed… Didn’t work and lived at his moms house. Well, you get the piture. But, yet she would say things like he “was” her best friend. Oh, yeah.. They also would trade kids off every week so contact and communication was constant. It made me feel like a third wheel in the relationship. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I’ll write more as time goes on![/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]PS.. Any women out there have advice? I would like to get a girls perspective on this.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[candyland]

it really sounds like she still has issues to resolve with her former husband. in other words, she will NEVER have a successful relationship with ANYONE until she gets through that. sadly, she probably doens' t even know that. I mean she needs some therapy or some serious, concerted self- direction.

 

it is really unfortunate that people easily and often unknowingly, bring in baggage from their past relationships and more likey, their childhoods...to ruin/destroy/sabotage their current "relationships."

 

best for you to not worry so much about her, but for YOU. if you think she'd be receptive to it, you could point her in the direction of therapy or diggining into what is really scaring her. but with that you are asking for a lot of pain with no guarantees it will come out good for you. in other words, you are setting yourself up for self-inflicted torture.

[Diver012]

Similar circumstances here......

 

I recently read a book called he's scared, shes scared that put things into perspective for me.

 

Once a person with an active commitment phobic personality is pushing the relationship away, they hardly ever come back. Ever. That hurts. I would move on as quickly as you can. NC has nothing to do with some reverse pshchology on winning their attenion back into your favor. Its all about you. You need to grieve this loss in your life and move forward. I do not for any reason wish to stay friends with this person. I have absolutely no desire what so ever to have them back in my life. They hurt me, women only get that chance once. Game over.

 

As the saying goes, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[candyland]

let me add, if there is no hope for her to deal with her issues,

 

YOU SHOULD MOST DEFINITELY NOT continue the "friendship." this will only hurt you and waste your valuable dating years. and clog up the pipeline for the next person who is healthier and who can really offer you love. why do you want to be friends with someone who is not really your lover and not really your "friend." makes no sense. you can be on cordial terms, but I'm sure you have better friendships to nurture.

[BrandonBP]

As the saying goes, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Or as George W. Bush says, "Fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me... you can't get fooled again."

[Smung]

Well, I have been in NC for 5 days and my ex sent me an email late last night. wanting to know what's up and telling me that the kids have their last day of school tomorrow.

 

First, I'm thinking this is another "Girl Game" where they want to keep dabs on you to insure they still have you moping around for them? sorry, don't mean to sound cynical and I know that not all girls are like that, but why leave without warning and then want to stay in contact with your ex??

 

Second, Should I even respond? I am doing NC but want to keep the communication open without hurting my recovery so any insight would be helpful.

 

Third, My friends are setting me up on a blind date Thursday night. Any dating tips? lol

[Smung]

Good Day everyone!

Well, after going NC and purging all the remaining stuff left by my ex. I have noticed that I’m starting to get email after email from her. First it was an email that wanted to know what was new with me and telling me the she wondered when our paths might cross again. Then this morning I receive an email wondering if I have a printer cord as she can’t find it.

QUESTION: Should I be responding or keep up the NC. I personally don’t think her heart has changed and I guess the only proof of that would be to have her writing or calling asking for a heart to heart. These emails seem like they are an attempt to stay informed on what I’m doing like keeping tabs on me. Any suggestions on what a good course of action is? I still care for this woman, but am not willing to be a emotional pin coushin nor reduced to a Friend status.

PS.. Please note that these emails are not trying to address any issue that promted her to move out and I simply don’t know how I would address that issue in this current state.

It’s not like you can write back and say “Yes here is your printer cord and oh, Yeah.. Are you commitment phobic and want to work on that”??

Please Help!

[BrandonBP]

I would say definately do not respond to the emails. They're platonic and she's testing the waters to see if she's still dragging you around on a leash.

 

If she writes and email or calls and says she wants to talk about your relationship or if she says she really misses you, etc. then I'd say to entertain her conversation. But as long as she's playing the platonic game, let her sweat it.

[Smung]

Thanks Brandon,

 

I agree and was thinking the same thing. Sometimes it takes a third party to validate what I know "Should" be done. I will not be responding to this as it seems to be a little game she is playing with me. It is tough though .

 

NC seems to be working and allowing me time to get on with my life. It's so strange how when you cut off contact with someone who dumped YOU. They start reviewing things in their head and wondering if they made the right choice.

 

Thanks,

Smung

 

Hanging tight!!

[serial muse]

Hi - I just wanted to add that I think the printer cord thing is kind of funny. By which I mean, pretty weak.

 

As in: so, what, this is the last printer cord on the planet, and she wants it back so very badly that it's worth it to gloss over all the painful emotional stuff between you just in order to retrieve it?

 

Nice try, there, but seriously, a printer cord? If she's going to bug you, couldn't she at least come up with something more valuable, or more personal, that she "couldn't find"?

[Smung]

Exactly! Something as mundane as a cord is ridiculous and makes me wonder about the game she is trying to play. It also makes me think; if she really cared about my well being wouldn’t she allow me space to heal??

When I first started writing on this board (which is a huge therapeutic help)! I wanted to learn any tactic I could to show my one true love (sarcasm) that she made a mistake and needed me to take care of her and her children. Well, now I’m starting to think about how this all came down and I’m thinking something is very FISHY about the reasons she gave. After reading some really good posts by Diver/GW and others I find that not everything is as it appears and the worst enemy you have is your own thoughts. The mindset you have determines your ability to cope with the loss of intimacy and get to the point of saying NEXT!!

Unfortunately, for the first couple of weeks I was in shock and really didn’t believe that she would throw away a brand new house and relationship for trivial stuff. Well, Now that I am in NC it has done wonders for my thought process as I am able to step back a bit and take a realistic view of the situation. Not sure about others but keeping the focus on What if only I had… or If only I did this…. DOES NOT WORK! What works is placing the focus squarely on yourself and figuring out what makes you happy!! I think I have learned more about myself in this process than I have in a long time. This is going to help me in my next relationship.

After complaining to one of my friends last night that I seem to get set back every time my ex sends me an email, he suggested a simple solution. BLOCK HERE EMAILS. I was like dang!! That is a simple solution. Now I just need the balls to actually do it.

Thanks All!!

[Smung]

Ugg, it's Sunday morning and I am feeling awful for some reason!! I was doing fine not thinking about my ex or concerned about what is happening and all of a sudden I get all depressed and start longing for her What is this rollercoaster ride i'm on?? I was thinking just the other day that it would be fine to be on my own and was actually looking forward to finding that one special person. Today though, I feel like pacing my house and stompping my feet in anger!! Anyway, I was so looney, I actually drove by her house... Why? I have no flipping idea!! I don't want to know what she is doing but I also feel I must. Ugg... Sinks head low!!

 

Help!

[Guest]

First of all let me say to the guys on here - why can't I meet nice guys like you? I'm a single mom with a teenage son and I'd kill to meet a man who cares enough about me and my son to do all the things you guys are getting shafted for!!!

 

My ex couldn't remember my birthday after 3 years and it pained him to give my son the time of day.

 

You guys trying to accept and love single mom's with kids and doing all that you say you're doing in your posts - I gotta tell you - that's incredibly unselfish and nice. I wish I could find someone who'd do these things.

 

The girls you're talking about don't know what a good thing they've got!

 

Pat yourselves on the backs for wanting to help out the way you have and for any man who tries to be a father or friend to another woman's child - that's the sign of a real man!

[stronggirl]

Ugg, it's Sunday morning and I am feeling awful for some reason!! I was doing fine not thinking about my ex or concerned about what is happening and all of a sudden I get all depressed and start longing for her What is this rollercoaster ride i'm on?? I was thinking just the other day that it would be fine to be on my own and was actually looking forward to finding that one special person. Today though, I feel like pacing my house and stompping my feet in anger!! Anyway, I was so looney, I actually drove by her house... Why? I have no flipping idea!! I don't want to know what she is doing but I also feel I must. Ugg... Sinks head low!!

 

Help!

 

 

I totally know these rollercoaster feelings you are having and i can totally sympathize. One minute you're strong, and the next minute you feel weak. I guess it is all part of grieving and it means you are going through the process.

[stronggirl]

Exactly! Something as mundane as a cord is ridiculous and makes me wonder about the game she is trying to play.

 

My guy (dumper) did the same thing.......In each of his three letters to me after the breakup, the final paragraphs were about stupid things like returning CDs and empty beer brewing bottles and such. I mean, come on. SO he says he wants them, i put them out there and he conveniently waits 1-2 WEEKS to come and pick them up, even though it was so damn urgent in the letters. I am angry he waited so long and just stirred up a bunch of stuff in me again when i was doing so well.

 

It's ok, I'll be fine. But people just blow me away sometimes. My one friend said that probably it was a control issue and, even though he was the one doing the breaking up, it was the last thing between us he could still control, esp since i have been 100% no contact since he told me "I love you but i'm not IN love with you".

 

Ugh, i am so frustrated so so ready to be over it.

[Smung]

Stronggirl,

 

I agree that is is a control issue. The dumper wants to still know that they have you on a leash! The good news is we have LS and friends to support us.

 

Now let's get out there and meet new people!!

 

Cheers,

Smung

[stronggirl]

Stronggirl,

 

I agree that is is a control issue. The dumper wants to still know that they have you on a leash! The good news is we have LS and friends to support us.

 

Now let's get out there and meet new people!!

 

Cheers,

Smung

 

 

I am

 

I have a 'date' (more or less really a platonic no expectations get together) with a guy tonight at the dog park and then out for a beer......... i don't have any desire to jump back into a relationship, but i enjoy the company and meeting new people. makes me feel not so stuck.

[GW7147]

Hi All,

Lost touch with this thread and just got caught up. This is a great thread by the way.

Smung,

Those "rollercoaster" feelings are really the pits. I've been NC for about 8 weeks now and I still experience them. The funny thing is, I've not had ANY contact with my ex. I just can't seem to turn that corner and stop thinking about things. I'm still looking after myself: golfing, working out, riding my bike (80-100 miles a week). I'm trying to convince myself, she's the one who lost out. I imagine she's probably having a difficult time. About 6 days after we broke up, her 15 year old son broke into his high school one night with 2 of his friends and stole a bunch of stuff. The cops caught all of them. The funny thing is, my buddy is the School Resource Officer (Police Officer). So, my ex had to sit in a meeting with my buddy (she knows him) and discuss the issue of her son getting expelled (he ended up slinking through and didn't get expelled). And why do I feel bad about this relationship ending??? Even though her children were pretty spoiled (I hate to say), I tried to get close to them and be their friends. However, being an ex cop myself, I may have had a difficult time with her 15 year old son commiting a burglary.

Guest,

You asked where the good guys are. We're out here dating all the wingnuts!!

Let's face it, all of our exes are a few clowns short of a circus. We don't need to be in a toxic, unhealthy relationship. There's somebody better out there for all of us. Somebody who will give back to us what we put into a relationship. Somebody that will accept us and will love everything about who we are. And yes, LS is a great place for support and oddly enough, a few laughs sometimes!!!

Stay strong everybody!!!

Regards, GW

[Diver012]

I hope your staying strong with the NC thing. Lifes to short...

 

One of the things that has actually helped me, a co-worker sudgested this, I dont know if your a religious man, but I am. I pray that God helps my Ex to figure out her issues and helps her to lead a happy life. I pray that prayer every day. I think it helps letting things go.

[rugbyrob1990]

Great stuff all! Everything that has been said I can relate to... So what is the status now are you still on NC. Has she tried to call or email.. Let us know thanks Rob

[stronggirl]

the way i look at it, no one that dumps you deserves to get you back.