I must be a glutton for punishment

[taylor3205]

Well 9 month ago. My ex of 7 years left me. I was devastated and heartbroken. World fell apart etc etc. He was with someone else within 2 months of us splitting up if not sooner, while I on the other hand was feeling as though there was nothing much to live for, was right down in the dumps, it affected me quite badly. Anyway up until I found out he was with someone else I was pursuing him and trying to get him back. When I found out, I had to initiate NC for my own sanity and health. I was making progress in getting over him after a few months. And then he contacts me, he wants to come and see me. Well turns out he realises he still loves me and wants me back, well my feelings hadnt changed for him, I still loved him as much, was just finding it a little easier to live without him and was making progress in putting the whole horrible mess behind me. When he came to see me I also found out that he was living with his new partner and had been for a few month. Well I took him back cos I love him. Am I stupid for taking him back? I feel like 2nd best but he says Im first best? I certainly dont feel like first best, if I was first best he wouldnt have left in the first place no matter how things were, for better or worse right?? I feel like he went looking for greener pastures and it didnt work out so he came back to me.

 

He just said that leaving me and not seeing me for months and being with someone else made him realise how much he DID actually love me and what we had together and now he could see that our problems in the past were partly his fault and not all mine. I just dont know if I believe him. I love him, I want to be with him. But is he sincere or is he settling for second best cos it didnt work out?

 

Why are relationships so fkin hard sometimes?? I just dont know if I will ever trust him again and it feels like what was once quite special isnt soo special anymore. He has done everything he done with me, trips away, sharing a house, a bed, saying 'I love you', just totally being there for and with someone else and drove a stake through my heart in the process. I must be stupid to even look at him. There again we all make mistakes right? No ones perfect?

 

Im sick of trying to work pple out. He has bought 'us' (im the only one who can drive btw) a car and asked me to marry him. He says he is sorry for what happened and it will NEVER EVER happen again. He wants and loves me. He was faithful for the 7 previous years we were together. My head is spinning.

[BrandonBP]

If you truly love him then give it a try. Maybe he was having second thoughts before you split, and now he's made up his mind that you were the right one all along.

 

I know it hurts to see your true love with someone else, I'm going through it right now, but if you honestly love him then why throw it away? I know I'd take my ex-fiance back in a heartbeat. In my 32 years of dating I would have never have said that about any other girlfriend that left me and started dating someone else, but she's the one in this world that I truly want to be with and I'll overlook her "needing space" just to have her in my arms again.

 

Go for it.

[lonepearl]

my current partner left me after 3+ yrs ... and then came back within a month...saying a quick sorry.

 

my love for him meant i took him back and forgave. and yet nothing is right despite a lot of things that have changed for the better... but the underlying conflicts still continue and sometimes i do wonder if this is right.. or am i hanging on to this because it is my first serious relationship and i have put in so much into it that i dont know how i would emotionally handle it if we split..

 

..and then what is out there..i mean what if he is the best one can get and i lose someone who at least cares more for me than anyone else would.

 

its so hard i know.. cant really help you with your choice.. but make sure of a few things: that you love him; that you will be ready to accept all consequences of your choice whichever way it is...and that you cant turn back and cry and or complain ...

 

maybe you need to talk to him about it too...sit and talk to him about your doubts and reasons...i think that is important prior to marriage...

[taylor3205]

Thanks for your replies. Yes we have done a lot of talking since we got back together. The only thing that bothers me is the fact he was all lovey dovey with someone when I was so torn apart and he didnt care. While I was having trouble sleeping, missing him like crazy and feeling like my world was torn apart he was sleeping with someone else as though I didnt exist. THAT is what I need to get past. I know it will work if only I can get past that. 80% of the time I dont think about it, but when I do it still hurts and I do hate him for doing it. But when I really think about it, its just my bruised ego thats standing in the way I think, that and the hurt he caused me (while he was having a good time in the process).

 

I just wish I could erase it from my memory and things would be fine. However I cant and I have to deal with it in some way. Suppose it will just take time.

[KittenMoon]

What the hell- you only live once, right?

 

I hope he's making it up to you... alot... and will continue for years... if he does that, you'll know you are #1.

[serial muse]

taylor - I do understand how you feel. But I just want to point out that although your imagination is probably running away with you, with supremely painful images of him being "lovey-dovey" with someone else and forgetting your existence in the meantime - in the end, he clearly was thinking about you, at least some of the time, because he did return.

 

Which means that the worst-case scenario you've got going in your head - that for those months you were apart he spent his time not caring and pretending you "didn't exist" - well, that's clearly not the case. He may have compartmentalized, he may have been torn, he may have been callous even of your feelings - but he clearly didn't just up and forget you for those few months.

 

I think that, when you're considering a second chance, it's important to let go of all kinds of black-and-white thinking - both that, pre-breakup, everything was idyllic, and that, during the breakup, he completely trashed everything you once had. Neither will help you figure out what is best for you now. The important thing is to try to look at your current relationship as clearly, and rationally, as possible (e.g., he has faults, possibly deal-breaker faults for you - including, possibly, a healthy dose of immaturity - but that certainly doesn't mean he's lying to you about how he feels) and make the decision that you feel will ultimately make you happiest.

 

I wish you well, I know it's been hard for you these past few months.

[lonepearl]

Yup i can only begin to understand that. while he was away he wasn't with someone else but he went around watching movies, out with his friends nighclubbing, happily with his family and siblings - going out to fun things etc. etc... while i was paralysed. sat in a corner in the house all day crying non stop every single day....screaming out of the window, not being able to breathe...(we are out in the country so no one close enough to hear a psycho screaming outta windows thank god!)... i wish i could forget that too because i feel like.. wow.. i was dead while he was away.. and he had time and happiness enough ta get on with life and he wasnt even thinking of coming back as he had taken steps that obviously were about moving on completely... yeah. i dont know if it is bruised ego.. its more... doubt...s*** does that mean i am really in more love than he is. and is it so easy for him to walk away from this while i am crippled emotionally?