insanelyjelous Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Hello all, Yet again I need some advice on what to do. I have really big issues with my partner about him going out. Last night is a classic example he went out with a few of his guy friends and two girls from his work place this really bothered me because yet again I wasn't invited ( he had originally said he was going to watch the football and then come home but he was out till all hours). We've been together almost three years and in this time I can only think of 2 nites that we went out to a club together with his friends. So I am not the greatest dancer and I might spend half the night sitting down and yes I do feel quite akward but am I wrong for wanting to be invited. He goes out at least once a week with these girls from work an although I'm pretty sure there's nothing going on it hurts knowing that they are probably dancing together and what not, I saw the shirt he came home in last nite and the collar was covered in make up so obviously he was dancing with other girls and I can deal with that, but what can I do to make him see that I would like to come along once in a while. I don't have very many true friends so please don't suggest that I go out with my girls, I just want to be able to spend a night once in a while dancing with him like all these friends of his seem to be able to do. I have tried talking to him but he just says that he doesn't want to mix his worklife and his personal life, he doesn't seem to understand that I'm not jelous because he's dancing with other girls its the fact that I never get to do that with him thats the issue. Its that they are getting to experience something that I don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Bullgator Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 IMO, your feelings are perfectly valid. When I hear that he said he doesn't want to mix his personal life with work, it makes me wonder what type of work he does. Unless his profession is dancing with women at clubs, I'd be suspicious that something other than work is going on there. JMHO Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 IMO, your feelings are perfectly valid. When I hear that he said he doesn't want to mix his personal life with work, it makes me wonder what type of work he does. Unless his profession is dancing with women at clubs, I'd be suspicious that something other than work is going on there. JMHO I agree completely with this. To say he doesn't want you along on a clearly social outing because work people are there is extremely suspicious. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 "he doesn't want to mix his worklife and his personal life." That is a load of BS hun. If I were you, next time he goes out with his friends to this club, you need to show up there youself. See whats really going on, If you don't want to, get a friend to do it. Oh BTW I know you said you don't want no one to suggest you going out with your friends, but it might do you some good instead of sitting around worrying about why you were not invited with him. Theres a reason for that, and doesn't sound like a good one either. Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Your feelings are not wrong at all. I'd feel the same way. I'm lucky in the fact that my boyfriend invites me EVERYWHERE he goes, even to the store to get a drink. I love it. But, if there were ever to be a time that he went out without me, and didn't even INVITE me, I'd probably be pretty upset. Not because he's going out without me, but because the invite wasn't even an option. I trust him, completely, but the fact that he wouldn't even be considering my feelings, would upset me a little bit. If I were you, I'd do a little more investigating. I'm sure that there are people that are going, that ARE bringing their SO's... and I think it's a little odd that he's not inviting you, or even giving you the option to go if you wanted to. There may be times that you don't want to go, and that's fine, but if he would atleast invite you, I think that may help you feel a little better. He sounds to me like he's being a bit selfish, and he doesn't sound like he's really worried about your feelings. I'd do a little investigating. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author insanelyjelous Posted June 14, 2006 Author Share Posted June 14, 2006 Thanks all for your replies If I were you, next time he goes out with his friends to this club, you need to show up there youself. See whats really going on, If you don't want to, get a friend to do it I can't do that as he rarely tells me where he's going and I don't ask, there have a lot of trust issues on my part and i've tried to not be so overpowering with questions and what not. I don't believe anything is going on except maybe some intimate dancing and I guess maybe he just doesn't want me to be there because if I was he wouldn't be dancing with anyone else and as i've already said i'm not the greatest dancer. He sounds to me like he's being a bit selfish, and he doesn't sound like he's really worried about your feelings. Yes he is very selfish at times, but I love him all the same. We have spoken about this on at least several occassions and its always the same thing, that he's never taken any of his other girlfriends out, that he doesn't want me to mix with the people from his work and that he wouldn't enjoy himself because he'd feel like I was watching his every move, and thats the end of that there's no compromising. I know you said you don't want no one to suggest you going out with your friends, but it might do you some good instead of sitting around worrying about why you were not invited with him. This is a bit difficult because I have a seven year old daughter and that is why i've lost touch with most of my friends. I love staying at home with her but it does mean that I can't really go out as much not that I've ever been one to go out much! BTW he is a DJ and a popular one at that! I have been out with him while he's playing but it's not the same because its work. He can't dance with me an I end up standing next to the DJ booth all night which is not my idea of fun! during the day hes an office worker. Hence why I can only think of two occasions that we've been out socially together in the last three years. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 "I don't think anything is going on except maybe some intimate dancing." He is in a relationship with YOU, he souldn't be dancing with others like that, that would seem unacceptable to me. If you have a dauhter, get a sitter one night and go to the club and see whats going on. You say he doesn't tell you what clubs he goes to, that should tell you something right there. I see this as red flags, it should be addressed. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 I agree with JackJack. If I was in a relationship with someone, I would NOT like them dancing intimately with another. I donno, it seems quite disrespectful. I have a feeling you're afraid to voice your opinions because he accuses you of being jealous. So then you go along with all these things he wants to do, even if it's not appropriate, because you want to show him your not jealous or controlling. I think you need to stand up for yourself and demand respect or get out of this relationship. He seems like a cakeman and it's only going to get worse unless you do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 A very clever trick of cakemen (and women I'm sure) is when they do something that is wrong to do when you are in a relationship and you voice your concern, they tell you that you are being insecure and jealous and that's very unattractive. They blame you for having a problem with their bad behavior. To expect someone to respect you enough to be faithful to you is not insecurity. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 You say you've had a lot of trust issue, which I can understand means it's difficult for you to push this one without making it appear to be all about your jealousy. And it makes it easy for him to infer that too no doubt. However, as everyone else has said, I personally do feel your feelings here are valid. Your SO should want to spend time with you, and should want to do it in a social enviroment. I know I love to introduce my SO to people, I'm very proud of him, and happy to show he's mine! And that is how you SO should be treating you. I think the following things are red flags for me: He doesn't invite you everHe makes excuses about not mixing work/pleasure (but it sounds like he is!)He doesn't tell you where he going. Does he tell you where he's been? Even if he really isn't up to anything, and honestly just doesn't want to bring you into his work social scene, then I'd still be worried about why you two aren't doing more social things together outside of that? You should be having fun together.... not just him with the people from work. Link to post Share on other sites
RarePearl Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 what can I do to make him see that I would like to come along once in a while. To make him see that you would like - tell him! But if he doesn't want to, there's nothing you can do to force him. Ask him if he thinks you'd ruin his fun. If he says 'no' then ask him why he doesn't take you without the stupid excuses. he just says that he doesn't want to mix his worklife and his personal life You being the work life and partying with friends being the personal life? What the hell is he talking about? He dances and drinks with people from work! That's not work life. Anything after 5 pm becomes personal. And if it's work life, he shouldn't go out with them. You can sit down and watch him dance or you can learn to dance (there are many dancing schools). If he doesn't start going out with you, I say: dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Yes he is very selfish at times, but I love him all the same. We have spoken about this on at least several occassions and its always the same thing, that he's never taken any of his other girlfriends out, that he doesn't want me to mix with the people from his work and that he wouldn't enjoy himself because he'd feel like I was watching his every move, and thats the end of that there's no compromising. You have a right to watch his every move if something is making you uncomfortable, and who cares about his past relationships? You're a completely different girl, different relationship, different time. You can't treat all your relationships the same - maybe that's why his old ones didn't work out? Sounds to me like he needs to get a grip and step into reality, and realize that he can't do whatever he wants now - he's in a committed relationship, that's not the way things work when you're with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Why would he care if you watch his every move if he's not doing anything wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
RarePearl Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Insanelyjealous, sorry to say this, but he sounds like a dog to me - liar and cheater that makes cheap excuses to get rid of you. Does he love you at all? Does he buy you presents, call you every day, look at you with love, do little things for you, help you when you need him, listen to you, talk to you, kiss you, hug you...? I have a feeling that he doesn't do any of it, at least not with great enthusiasm. You sound pretty naive to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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