we had a conversation

[Tina]

I finally talked to him after he left a third message sounding all 'lovey dovey'.

 

I told him I was really busy and tired right now with work and couldn't talk too long.

 

"Do you still love me?" he asked.

 

"that's silly question. Ask yourself," I replied. THen I told him that I decided to take some distance from him for a while, and he understood and said he'd hope we'd be in touch.

 

Even though I wanted so much to tell him I missed him and wanted to be with him I didn't because I wanted him to think I'm strong. Any advice? Should I have been warmer?

[Tony T]

Which is more important? Him thinking you are strong or the two of you being happy with each other? When you are together you have a much better opportunity of showing him your strengths as well as your vulnerabilities.

 

You blew it, in my opinion. Telling someone you love and want to be with that you want time away from them is somewhat outside the normal love game strategy parameters.

[Nicky]

Why do yoo feel the need to be strong and aloof. What did you think you'd gain by appearing "strong"? For me it has it's place, sure it's not a bad quality, but I suspect in this case you just came across as disinterested. Why do you think being yourself is bad? maybe, being human can bring you closer to others who also show human vulnerability.

 

Good luck. Nicky

I finally talked to him after he left a third message sounding all 'lovey dovey'. I told him I was really busy and tired right now with work and couldn't talk too long. "Do you still love me?" he asked.

 

"that's silly question. Ask yourself," I replied. THen I told him that I decided to take some distance from him for a while, and he understood and said he'd hope we'd be in touch. Even though I wanted so much to tell him I missed him and wanted to be with him I didn't because I wanted him to think I'm strong. Any advice? Should I have been warmer?

[Tina]

I understand you guys's response, but if you had been following my posts you would have found out that two weeks ago he only wanted to be friends and I was calling him up too often, telling him how much I loved him and missed him ect. and he wast telling me stuff like 'you have to get your life together, 'you have to become stronger',ect. He was afraid!!! I'm just afraid of spilling my heart again and getting it broken again, so I am being extra cautious.

[Tony T]

Go ahead and be extra cautious. But when he gives you a signal and you miss it, you'll be extra lonely too.

[Nicky]

I agree with Tony, one of you has to break the circle.

Go ahead and be extra cautious. But when he gives you a signal and you miss it, you'll be extra lonely too.

[yes]

i agree with tony n nicky

 

i've recently had a guy tell me he isn't sure he likes me

 

turned out he was just too worried i dont like him

 

if i didnt go back n check - we'd both stay disappointed

 

so dont be afraid to show how u feel!!

 

good luck

I finally talked to him after he left a third message sounding all 'lovey dovey'. I told him I was really busy and tired right now with work and couldn't talk too long. "Do you still love me?" he asked.

 

"that's silly question. Ask yourself," I replied. THen I told him that I decided to take some distance from him for a while, and he understood and said he'd hope we'd be in touch. Even though I wanted so much to tell him I missed him and wanted to be with him I didn't because I wanted him to think I'm strong. Any advice? Should I have been warmer?

[midori]

Hi Tina,

 

Tony & Nicky are right on -- you're tripping yourself up. You're playing the same kind of mixed-signals game that he is, neither here nor there, neither hot nor cold. It's a big game of chicken -- who's going to blink first? If you're both chickens when it comes to love there's no hope for this at all.

 

You're trying to get him to change his feathers. You want him to go from being avoidant and indecisive to being passionately commited. It's not going to happen, not by giving him a taste of his own medicine with mixed signals, not with passive-aggressive ultimatums. One of you -- him -- is already passive. Two passive people will end up going nowhere. The only way to have any kind of fulfilling relationship with this guy is to know what you want and be firm and upfront about it. Give up now if you're going to be passive, if you're the kind of woman who's only comfortable letting the guy take the lead (and that's fine if you are, just acknowledge it).

 

He might well have strong feelings for you, but he's clearly not comfortable expressing them or committing himself too much. If he's not forced to actively choose between his fears and you he won't make the choice. Yes it means you run the risk that he'll go with his fears & doubts, leaving you feeling all the more hurt. But if that's what happens wouldn't you rather get it over with than let it drag on for months and drain you completely? Having been through a similar situation myself, I can tell you that the former is by far preferable.

 

Be brave and be confident, and one way or another you will get this sorted out.

[MercyRose]

Its hard once you felt compelled to do the 'chasing' when he backed off a while ago...

 

Now he is 'lovey dovey' again...I understand how you feel. Some questions running through your head maybe: Should I trust him? Is he being honest with me? Is he being honest with himself? Will he change his mind again?

 

This must be so hard for you. Because you loved him, and he turned away from you. Then he turned back. No wonder you are confused.

 

I can only advise you to be honest with him. Tell him exactly how you feel. If you love him tell him. If you want to give it a try again but you are afraid, tell him that too. If you want to try again but your fear is holding you back-tell him that.

 

Don't hide behind 'being strong'. Show your vulneribilities, show your fears, show your heart-because otherwise you will only live with regrets if you do not try 100%

 

If you try 100% with 100% honesty and it still doesn't work out, you will know 100% it wasn't anything you did or didn't do that caused it not to work out.

 

Good Luck