Can you get that "feeling" back?

[SARose61]

Been married almost 9 years at 5 years I discovered my husband was trying to locate his ex girlfriend through our computer. I was truly heart broken, because I honestly thought I was the center of his universe and he was mine. I found out all about her that she had really broken his heart and he had never been serious about anyone since her until me. He said it was just curiosity about where she was and truly hoping that his life had turned out better than hers. Well I didn't know whether to believe that was it. I located her myself, picked up the phone called her and handed him the phone and said here you go get it out of your system. They talked for about 15 minutes. I thought that was it. Then I discovered he called her one more time but her husband intercepted the call and told him not to call again. End of story except that for the past 4 years I just cant get that same fluttery feeling I use to have with my husband. We did go to counseling for this after it happened and it did help. It is just that "feeling" has never quite come back and I miss it. Nothing feels special or exclusive as it did before, the connection I thought we had is gone. Anyone know what I'm talking about? Did it ever come back for you and if it did how did it happen?

 

Rose

[zarathustra]

Been married almost 9 years at 5 years I discovered my husband was trying to locate his ex girlfriend through our computer. I was truly heart broken, because I honestly thought I was the center of his universe and he was mine. I found out all about her that she had really broken his heart and he had never been serious about anyone since her until me. He said it was just curiosity about where she was and truly hoping that his life had turned out better than hers. Well I didn't know whether to believe that was it. I located her myself, picked up the phone called her and handed him the phone and said here you go get it out of your system. They talked for about 15 minutes. I thought that was it. Then I discovered he called her one more time but her husband intercepted the call and told him not to call again. End of story except that for the past 4 years I just cant get that same fluttery feeling I use to have with my husband. We did go to counseling for this after it happened and it did help. It is just that "feeling" has never quite come back and I miss it. Nothing feels special or exclusive as it did before, the connection I thought we had is gone. Anyone know what I'm talking about? Did it ever come back for you and if it did how did it happen?

 

Rose

Probably its because when he tried to contact the xgf, the rose coloured glasses you were wearing came off.

 

That fluttery feeling, I think its from admiration and infatuation. Once its gone, its hard to get it back again.

 

I don't really know what to say... I mean, how do you say to someone you love that he fell a bit in your estimation of him? How do you say to a guy that you need him to do something that will help you look up to him? Its really difficult.

[RarePearl]

I don't see a big deal in him contacting his ex-GF. I am very curious about my exes' lives and I have all the information. I am even very curious about an ex that I didn't passionately love. I was curious about my first BF too whom I was sick of when I dumped him many years ago.

 

I think after 5 years you simply stopped having the same feelings for your husband and you're blaming it on this little thing. Moreover, I think you're using it as an excuse. People who love each other deeply go through terrible phases and repair things completely... up to the point where the infatuation has faded away and they are no longer able to "fix the emotions".

 

Four years is a too long period to not forget such a small problem. People get over death after four years! You've simply experienced loss of feelings.

 

In order to retain true love, people have to have a strong bond based on trust, kindness, comfortable life together, similar interests and goals, and - most of all - FRIENDSHIP. Sounds like a cliché, but that's the only type of love that keeps burning forever. The initial sparkles can't last for longer than a few years.

[Zwordz]

Hello,

 

Im sure she lost the feeling when I came home from work and told her I got fired. Yep I got fired over some simple thing and when i told her things changed.

 

Since then (2003), I have yet to earn that feeling back. I struggled to ensure bills were paid etc.. it was rough but we rebounded. She even finished college and is working as a teacher now (btw she has now become main bread winner).

 

I am trying all i can to please her and make things right, but I have this huge guilt hanging over me.. I have appologized so many times, and am trying to be a better husband. We are married for 9 years now.

 

I am not attractive to her anymore, I have gained so much weight, so lack of sex is not the question here (thats on another thread), I just want to know what can I do to make her happy with me and for me to rid this guilt?

 

I do love her but sometimes I feel lonely and alone, we are sleeping in other beds, bcuz kids sleep in the bed with her. She makes no effort for that to stop either (son is 8, dghtr is 6).

 

Is my marriage doomed? What do I do? Where does it go from here?

[whichwayisup]

Marriage counselling will help you two get back what seems to be lost.

 

I don't understand something. Why are you making yourself feel guilty over this? Is she holding it against you that you lost your job 3 years ago? Is she angry still?

 

The kids should be sleeping in their own beds. She's not doing them any good by letting them sleep with her.

 

Maybe you need to start your own thread, instead of posting on this thread. You'll get more replies.

 

Can I ask? What's the daily dynamtic like at home between you two? Like roommates? Do you two fight? Is she mean or make grumpy comments to you about the past?

 

Try not to feel guilty. You need to forgive yourself.

[RarePearl]

Zwords, are you the original poster's husband?

[Guest]

My husband had been in contact with his ex, I never knew, through the computer. Similar situation, I was devestated. I mean, WHY? She broke his heart, never said anything nice about her, so WHY? Can you get back that feeling, yes, but in my case I lost it for him. I cant trust him, or figure him out and I dont want to. I want to move on with my life and find a new man who will truely appreciate me and not bother to think about ex girlfriends. Good luck!

[Guest]

For SARose61 - I know exactly what you're talking about! And I was quite pleased to see that I'm not the only person out there feeling this way. I used to be absolutely nuts about my boyfriend ... I couldn't think of anyone else throughout the day. Could barely have a work conversation without mentioned his name. I was on Cloub 9 - he was my life. I found out I was pregnant and couldn't be happier.

 

Then, it happened. I found out that he used to leave work and go see his ex and her kids (they're not his kids ... they're hers from a previous relationship). He hid this from me. He now hasn't seen her in over 6 months but my feelings aren't the same for him. Just knowing that he's capable or doing that without guilt tears me apart. I have emails from him on the days he left work to see her saying that he's going on sales calls, etc. He even spent an afternoon playing mini-putt with her and her kids after bringing them out for lunch. I found all of this out from her and he confirmed it. They weren't physical but the mere fact that he did this upsets me very much. He's apologized many times and we've even gone to counseling. But that 'feeling' hasn't returned. I question his actions a lot and I'm not as in love with him as I used to be. I used to write him poems and wonderful emails while at work all the time. Now I prefer to just do my work and keep him out of my mind. Is it doomed? Does this mean that it was never really love to begin with? I've always had a hard time forgiving somebody when they hurt me ... could it be just be being stubborn? Any advice would be appreciated!

[RarePearl]

For SARose61 - I know exactly what you're talking about! And I was quite pleased to see that I'm not the only person out there feeling this way. I used to be absolutely nuts about my boyfriend ... I couldn't think of anyone else throughout the day. Could barely have a work conversation without mentioned his name. I was on Cloub 9 - he was my life. I found out I was pregnant and couldn't be happier.

 

Then, it happened. I found out that he used to leave work and go see his ex and her kids (they're not his kids ... they're hers from a previous relationship). He hid this from me. He now hasn't seen her in over 6 months but my feelings aren't the same for him. Just knowing that he's capable or doing that without guilt tears me apart. I have emails from him on the days he left work to see her saying that he's going on sales calls, etc. He even spent an afternoon playing mini-putt with her and her kids after bringing them out for lunch. I found all of this out from her and he confirmed it. They weren't physical but the mere fact that he did this upsets me very much. He's apologized many times and we've even gone to counseling. But that 'feeling' hasn't returned. I question his actions a lot and I'm not as in love with him as I used to be. I used to write him poems and wonderful emails while at work all the time. Now I prefer to just do my work and keep him out of my mind. Is it doomed? Does this mean that it was never really love to begin with? I've always had a hard time forgiving somebody when they hurt me ... could it be just be being stubborn? Any advice would be appreciated!

You should start your own thread. Many people don't read the replies to the original poster so you won't get many answers to your question.

 

I think it's normal for a man who has spent a period of his life with a woman and her children to feel attached to them. I even find the opposite abnormal - if he broke up with the mom and simply forgot about her kids too. They were not physical during his visitations so it was only friendship, nothing romantic. He chose YOU, married YOU and loves YOU. It doesn't matter that she broke his heart in the past. That's in the past. People don't love their exes forever. They get over and are able to love new people and still be friends with their exes.

 

It's certainly not a comfortable situation for you, but I think it's not worth being disappointed in your marriage. Instead, suggest that you all get together occasionally. With time it will stop.

 

I also understand that he "had to" hide it from you, because he knew you would be upset if you knew. And you were once you found out. Marriage counseling would probably help you both.

 

I am on YOUR side 100%, but I think you should forget and forgive and try from the beginning. There are many beginnings in a marriage. Our spouses let us down sometimes and we let them down sometimes too. If you dwell on your sorrow, you'll never be able to move on and be happy. With anybody!

 

Forgiveness, tolerance, trust, faith, love, and a positive attitude are the things that make a marriage successful. It's not the poems and love letters when the sun shines that will keep you together - it's how you walk through the hard times that will get you closer... or farther.

[SARose61]

For SARose61 . Is it doomed? Does this mean that it was never really love to begin with? I've always had a hard time forgiving somebody when they hurt me ... could it be just be being stubborn? Any advice would be appreciated!

 

I wonder all the time if I am just being stubborn and hanging on to this one little incident where my husband looked for his x-gf. But no, it is a feeling of great disappointment. Like you there were so many things that meant so much before the incident. For example, our special thing was to take an annual trip to this bat cave with the 1st sign of a cool front in Oct. I use to really look forward to that. It is not the same, many things are now simply like going through the motions. This "feeling" of exclusivity that I have lost isn't the same as the feeling that wares off after being married for a while. I know that happens and yes it has as is to be expected. I think I'm right, it will never come back, but is the "unconditional love" that I feel for my husband enough to help me get beyond this. A big factor is that I dont think he understands what I mean when I say that I lost something very special when he did this.

 

Thank you all for responding.

 

Rose

[Guest]

Hi Rose - I couldn't agree more (I'm the one who posted my problem as well with my man visiting his ex). It's the 'exclusivity' thing. I thought that I was the only woman on his mind - now I constantly wonder what or who he's thinking about.

 

I might sound old fashioned (I'm only 26 so I'm not) but I see things in black and white. If you love somebody, you do everything in your power to hold on to that person. Visiting an ex or contacting an ex is a shaded area which I'm unfamiliar with. I wouldn't do that for the simple reason that I know it would bother my man. If I was in desperate need (for some odd reason) to do anything like that, I'd consult my man and let him know what I'm doing/what's happening. Above losing the 'exclusivity' feeling, I also feel as though this man is now capable of deceiving me without my knowledge. I feel as though I always have to be 'on my toes'. It's such a stupid situation. Our counsellor even told me that it's not that bad and I have to get over it (he wasn't physical with her after all) ... but nobody seems to understand. I'm expecting his child in a couple short months and I'm not even sure this is the man I want in my life.

 

I've tried so many things to get over this but nothing seems to work. If I do as much as bring it up to my man he sighs loudly and goes on and on about how we dealt with it already - which we have - but it's still on my mind ...

[RarePearl]

SARose61, is Zwords your husband?