Dealing with Anger

[Jen]

Hi.

 

Please bear with me if I dance about on my situation. Here's it in a nutshell: In March I started seeing a younger man--25 to my 36. He had been involved in a long-term relationship with a woman who is 43. (As an aside, his mother is 46). Anyway, they had a history of breaking up, getting back together, breaking up again, repeating the pattern ad nauseum. She held the purse strings and was controlling, jealous, and he was terribly dependent on the relationship. But, he broke up with her (in March) and moved into his own place in April. She left the state. So stupid-ass me gets involved with this man-child, and repeats the pattern by paying for everything, taking him on trips, and being what I thought was generous. After all, I had more money than he did and I don't buy the double standard thing that men must pay for most things. He lost his job in early October, and things went downhill. Bottom line is he went back home (to the state where ex-ie lives as well), and I had to find out two weeks ago (via other people) that he was moving back there in two days' time. Not only did he never once apologize to me for letting me down and leading me on, but he blamed what he called our "non-relationship" on me. Call me crazy, but the last time I looked, sleeping together and seeing each other on a regular basis meant some kind of relationship. He sure did accept large gifts and money that has never been paid back with no worries. Now, two days ago he informs me that he and ex had decided to "work things out" and that they were sharing a place together. Again.

 

So I have two questions: is this behavior pattern normal, and how do I deal with all the anger and frustration and disappointment that I feel? I am not running into another relationship, and am in therapy, and have great friends who all tell me I'm so much better off, he was a loser, etc., but I'm looking for independent opinions. If he's such a loser why the hell do I still feel so lousy? My self-esteem is below ground level. I'm supposed to be so smart; why the hell didn't I see that I was being used?

 

Thanks for any and all advice/opinions.

[Tony T]

It really pisses me off that low life, no good, rotten to the core, scumbag users and losers like this guy will bring you down.

 

Your major mistake was being too kind and too generous. It'll get you into trouble EVERY TIME, not just once in a while. A man can have ZERO interest in a female who gives him whatever he wants, takes care of him, takes him on trips, and generally kisses his butt. It works the other way as well with females having no respect for males who do the same thing.

 

Don't be mad at him. You don't get angry at a dog for barking or a rattlesnake from striking because that's the nature of the beast. He's a low life user but he could not have used you if you hadn't allowed it. So take more than 50 percent of the responsibilty for this, forgive yourself, learn the lesson, and move on.

 

It's likely this lady he's gone back to will present him with a bit more of a challenge...but don't look for that to last long either. If you ever take this guy back, you're nuts!

 

Until the day I die I will never understand why most people actually resent rather than appreciate the continued generosity of other people.

 

You are a sweet lady and certainly not alone in the "giving way too much" syndrome. Please don't try to buy love again, or even rent it. If your partner can't keep up 50 percent of the deal, push him off a cliff.

[Jen]

Oh, what good advice! I just wish I had seen the light earlier. My loser radar must be off, as I never thought this could happen to me. Thanks for your kind words.

It really pisses me off that low life, no good, rotten to the core, scumbag users and losers like this guy will bring you down. Your major mistake was being too kind and too generous. It'll get you into trouble EVERY TIME, not just once in a while. A man can have ZERO interest in a female who gives him whatever he wants, takes care of him, takes him on trips, and generally kisses his butt. It works the other way as well with females having no respect for males who do the same thing. Don't be mad at him. You don't get angry at a dog for barking or a rattlesnake from striking because that's the nature of the beast. He's a low life user but he could not have used you if you hadn't allowed it. So take more than 50 percent of the responsibilty for this, forgive yourself, learn the lesson, and move on. It's likely this lady he's gone back to will present him with a bit more of a challenge...but don't look for that to last long either. If you ever take this guy back, you're nuts! Until the day I die I will never understand why most people actually resent rather than appreciate the continued generosity of other people. You are a sweet lady and certainly not alone in the "giving way too much" syndrome. Please don't try to buy love again, or even rent it. If your partner can't keep up 50 percent of the deal, push him off a cliff.

[Ed]

So I have two questions: is this behavior pattern normal

 

This behavior pattern is common, but I don't know if it is normal.

and how do I deal with all the anger and frustration and disappointment that I feel?

One way to deal with it is to see a counselor. You are already doing that. Stay with that until you see no more need for it.

 

You want independent opinions. Here's mine. Your friends are right!

 

Hey, look, you had something going with this guy. It lasted a while. You must have been getting something you wanted out of it or you wouldn't have kept seeing him. No matter how much of a jerk he turned out to be or how much money you spent on him, you had some good times. Didn't you?

 

Talk to your counselor about what your motives were in this relationship. Work out the good parts and keep them. Work out the bad parts and get rid of them.

 

I wish you the best.

[Jen]

Ed, you are right. We had great sex, and he pretended to be interested in my feelings and intellectual ideas. There is no doubt in my mind that I was getting what I wanted from this relationship. All the more reason why I was pretty f*ing crushed to have him leave so callously. I'm old enough to know that relationships are a two-way street, and that I was getting what I wanted from this one, but I also believe that when you break off a union with someone that you claim to respect, you should afford the other person some grace and dignity. When I have had to break off a relationship, I apologize, validate their need to be angry and hurt, and put the rejection in gently, without resentment or cruelty. I was not afforded that in this situation, which has led me to cope with a seething dose of anger inside, and which is affecting my work. That's where I seek help: how to translate what I know is right into my heart. My job is so stressful right now, and I just can't afford to have my personal life interfere with my work.

This behavior pattern is common, but I don't know if it is normal. One way to deal with it is to see a counselor. You are already doing that. Stay with that until you see no more need for it. You want independent opinions. Here's mine. Your friends are right! Hey, look, you had something going with this guy. It lasted a while. You must have been getting something you wanted out of it or you wouldn't have kept seeing him. No matter how much of a jerk he turned out to be or how much money you spent on him, you had some good times. Didn't you? Talk to your counselor about what your motives were in this relationship. Work out the good parts and keep them. Work out the bad parts and get rid of them. I wish you the best.

[Ed]

You seem to be a reasonable person. Reasonable people know that there are a lot of unreasonable people in the world.

 

Anger can turn out to be positive. Understand that anger is a natural human emotion. What you do about anger is the key to your eventual happiness. It can cripple you or it can free you.

 

Talk to your counselor about your anger. Let it out. And let it go!

[Tony T]

Ed does make some excellent points. But always keep in mind...when a user's needs or agenda changes, they are off and running. Leaches look for hosts. They will do whatever they have to do for the duration to keep the goodies coming. They are fake to the core and often very difficult to spot.

 

However, if you will think back real hard you probably got lots of hints. But when we care for somebody sincerely (who happens to be using us), the most painful thing in the world for us is to face the fact that we are nothing more to them than an object to be manipulated.

 

I've been there so many times I could write a book.

[Miss Mojo]

hi jen,

 

well, i sure can sympathise with your situation. i once spent 4.5 years with a guy who in the end, told me he never considered our relationship a "relationship". damn i was p!ssed off. he was pretty messed up and it was such a relief when he was gone.

 

"man-child" is definitely the appropriate term to use here. this is a man who doesn't know how to conduct himself as a mature adult. he obviously has a pattern of "dependant" behaviour and you just happened to be the one who got caught up in his behaviour this time. the odds of him repeating this behaviour with another person are pretty high.

 

when it comes to emotions, even nostradamus can't predict how a person will act. it is quite understandable that you thought he wouldn't behave this way with you. part of you was probably prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt, which is only fair.

 

don't beat yourself up over it though. his actions are not indicative of who you are as a person. we are all allowed to make mistakes in love and 99% of have already done so or will do so. this behaviour is normal for the average "man-child". it doesn't feel normal for the average self-sufficient independent person like you and i, which is why it can be so damn frustrating.

 

i could be wrong, but you're probably more angry at yourself as a result of this. a smart, cluey chick should have seen this coming right? not necessarily. i think we all have the capacity to see good in people and to want to give people a chance. sometimes when we're in a sticky situation we don't always see it for what it is. there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you can learn from it.

 

at least now, you will have the foresight to run if you ever find yourself in a similar situation. you have a greater chance of finding a guy who has his head screwed-on than finding a "man-child" again.

 

this guy sounds like a real whimp. a guy who craves attention. "man-child". i love that expression. it sums it up so well.

 

accept - and that can sometimes be the hardest thing to do - that this guy's actions are a part of him and do not reflect on you. don't try and analyse why he behaved like such a s***. if you never came into his life, he would have done it to someone else. he will probably continue to do it as long as people let him. thank god you're not with him anymore. he would have totally drained you.

 

even the smartest people sometimes make crazy decisions. i know some very intelligent people who i could clip across the ear when it comes to their decisions in love and who have put up with abuse - mental and physical. but the turning point in any relationship where you feel used, is that you recognise their behaviour is solely to do with them, nothing to do with you and that you are out of their life.

 

best wishes,

 

miss mojo-rambler

[Jen]

What a wonderful thing I did by posting to this forum! Between you, Ed and Tony, I have gained valuable advice. Wise words from wise people.

hi jen, well, i sure can sympathise with your situation. i once spent 4.5 years with a guy who in the end, told me he never considered our relationship a "relationship". damn i was p!ssed off. he was pretty messed up and it was such a relief when he was gone. "man-child" is definitely the appropriate term to use here. this is a man who doesn't know how to conduct himself as a mature adult. he obviously has a pattern of "dependant" behaviour and you just happened to be the one who got caught up in his behaviour this time. the odds of him repeating this behaviour with another person are pretty high. when it comes to emotions, even nostradamus can't predict how a person will act. it is quite understandable that you thought he wouldn't behave this way with you. part of you was probably prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt, which is only fair. don't beat yourself up over it though. his actions are not indicative of who you are as a person. we are all allowed to make mistakes in love and 99% of have already done so or will do so. this behaviour is normal for the average "man-child". it doesn't feel normal for the average self-sufficient independent person like you and i, which is why it can be so damn frustrating. i could be wrong, but you're probably more angry at yourself as a result of this. a smart, cluey chick should have seen this coming right? not necessarily. i think we all have the capacity to see good in people and to want to give people a chance. sometimes when we're in a sticky situation we don't always see it for what it is. there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you can learn from it. at least now, you will have the foresight to run if you ever find yourself in a similar situation. you have a greater chance of finding a guy who has his head screwed-on than finding a "man-child" again. this guy sounds like a real whimp. a guy who craves attention. "man-child". i love that expression. it sums it up so well. accept - and that can sometimes be the hardest thing to do - that this guy's actions are a part of him and do not reflect on you. don't try and analyse why he behaved like such a s***. if you never came into his life, he would have done it to someone else. he will probably continue to do it as long as people let him. thank god you're not with him anymore. he would have totally drained you. even the smartest people sometimes make crazy decisions. i know some very intelligent people who i could clip across the ear when it comes to their decisions in love and who have put up with abuse - mental and physical. but the turning point in any relationship where you feel used, is that you recognise their behaviour is solely to do with them, nothing to do with you and that you are out of their life. best wishes, miss mojo-rambler