RealityCheck Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 I thought I would start this thread for laughs! :D If any of you have something to share, bring it on!!! SMOOOOCH! What we do for beauty!!! Have a laugh. All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.....the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or whever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax, Yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hiar removal no longer eludes me! I am she-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, forthe ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!......OMG!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!!! Another deep breath and RRRIIIPPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out.....must stay conscious.... Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe....OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!!! There's no hair on it!!! Where is the hair???? WHERE IS THE WAX????? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax!!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matter hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake..... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *Hoo-Hoo*??? sealed shut!!!!! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop my head may pop off!!! What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???? WRONG!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub..... in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't meld cold wax!!! So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cememnt-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some scret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!!! There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or Hoo-hoo???" She's laughing out loud by now....I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH! RIGHT!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event!! My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax!!! What do I really have to loose at this point? I rub some on the...OMG!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's soooo painful, but I really don't care!!! IT WORKS!!! IT WORKS!!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair......THE HAIR IS STILL THERE....ALL OF IT!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now!! Nothing hurts!!! I could have amputated my own leg at this point! Next week, I'm going to try hair color..... Now thats funny. NOT!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Oh MY GOD! I haven't laughed this much in months! You are truly comic relief! BTW, I shave my hoo-hoo. No way would I ever put hot wax down there! You are one brave soul! And for the love of God, when you color your hair, PLEASE protect your eyes! Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 HOLY SHMOLY!! I think I peed myself!! :lmao: You seriously should write a column or something!! I've never laughed so hard at one post before!! I would have payed money to be your friend that night!! My good friend tried to wax her Hoo Hoo with hot wax once... I'm sure the whole apartment complex could hear her!! And the same thing happened to her as well, barely took off a bit of hair!! Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Oh MY GOD! I haven't laughed this much in months! You are truly comic relief! BTW, I shave my hoo-hoo. No way would I ever put hot wax down there! You are one brave soul! And for the love of God, when you color your hair, PLEASE protect your eyes! RC, I nearly died!!! I think I may have embarassed myself. FYI, IF there is a next time; that little bottle of lotion helps remove stuck on wax and is supposed to be soothing. I think that you can also use vitamin E oil or something if there's not enough. I once went to the 'shop' to get a brazilian. The top was ok, but man... was 1/3 done and I had to tell the lady to stop. She said, "but you're not done..." I said, "Yeah... we are." She said, "but you are lop-sided" I said, "I don't care and besides only my H will see." She said, "but you have to pay for the whole thing." I said, 'Normally, lady, I'd argue with you, but as long as you take that stick and put it away, I'll give you all the money in my purse" She was happy, I was happier not to have to endure more. Current solution. Love my razor. I don't care if it grows in thicker. I'm with WA, watch the eyes. Also don't do light brown if you are blond, sometimes it turns the hair green. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Okay, since we are telling embarrassing stories, here is mine: Years ago, when I was married and having kids, my husband and I and children all flew home to stay with family for the holidays. He and I were placed in his old room with the baby sleeping in our room in a crib. Back then, baby monitors were the rage, so of course, we placed a baby monitor in the room with us and the other part of the monitor in the kitchen so we could hear him stirring after his naps, etc. One morning, my hubby and I were getting frisky and one thing led to another. Now, being a mom, I have learned to be pretty quiet, especially if there is a baby sleeping in the same room, but apparently, I was making noises that people don't make when they are just sleeping. After that very nice early morning interlude, I happily trotted downstairs to have breakfast with his family with a big smile on my face. His mother, his father, his grandmother, and his sister were acting REALLY weird. I just blew it off....maybe they aren't morning people. When my hubby emerged into the kitchen, his sister pulled him aside.....and quietly told him that perhaps we should shut off the monitor BEFORE we get something started..... Yep, his entire family listened to us while drinking their coffee that morning. We were a real class act back then, huh? Makes my skin crawl just thinking about it after all these years! Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Actually... Reality Check.... i have seen this story circulating the web.... what else do you got? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted June 14, 2006 Author Share Posted June 14, 2006 Okay, since we are telling embarrassing stories, here is mine: Years ago, when I was married and having kids, my husband and I and children all flew home to stay with family for the holidays. He and I were placed in his old room with the baby sleeping in our room in a crib. Back then, baby monitors were the rage, so of course, we placed a baby monitor in the room with us and the other part of the monitor in the kitchen so we could hear him stirring after his naps, etc. One morning, my hubby and I were getting frisky and one thing led to another. Now, being a mom, I have learned to be pretty quiet, especially if there is a baby sleeping in the same room, but apparently, I was making noises that people don't make when they are just sleeping. After that very nice early morning interlude, I happily trotted downstairs to have breakfast with his family with a big smile on my face. His mother, his father, his grandmother, and his sister were acting REALLY weird. I just blew it off....maybe they aren't morning people. When my hubby emerged into the kitchen, his sister pulled him aside.....and quietly told him that perhaps we should shut off the monitor BEFORE we get something started..... Yep, his entire family listened to us while drinking their coffee that morning. We were a real class act back then, huh? Makes my skin crawl just thinking about it after all these years! OMG!!!! That's priceless!!! *I'm on the floor* I can just hear it.... Kitchen conversation....."want more coffee" Bedroom conversation....."Oh yeah baby" Kitchen......"Want cream" Bedroom...."Please swallow" Kitchen..."Surgar" Bedroom..."Mmmmm.....sweeet!!" Damn! :D :D Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Yep, not my finest moment..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted June 14, 2006 Author Share Posted June 14, 2006 My H and I were doing our "duty"......lol When my little one who was 2 1/2 walks in and says...... "DADDY!!! STOP CHOKING MOMMY"!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 My H and I were doing our "duty"......lol When my little one who was 2 1/2 walks in and says...... "DADDY!!! STOP CHOKING MOMMY"!!!! Too funny!! And great story Walking!! I'm sure if I keep thinking I'll remember one to share with you guys (notice you have plenty of stories but can't ever think of them when you need to) Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 I thought I would start this thread for laughs! :D If any of you have something to share, bring it on!!! SMOOOOCH! Next week, I'm going to try hair color..... Now thats funny. NOT!!!! OMIGOD!!!!!! I've got tears streaming down my face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I still have to read the rest of this thread!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Got another one. God, this is kinda scary.... OKay, I am profess to be classy and dignified, but I guess I am able to let my hair down in the bedroom....SO... I found some of those furry handcuffs....the four point furry restraints...You know what I am talking about, right? Well, they also come with a really pretty white eye mask to cover your eyes with. You know what I am talking about, right? Well, I forgot to untie the restraints from the bed, but I did tuck them under the bed with the mask....and happily went off to work... My exBF walked into my room hours later to my thirteen year old spread eagle on the bed with the mask on....and the restraints too.... He stopped dead in his tracks. I am sure it was a deer in the headlights look. She lifted her head up and asked, 'Darn (his name), whatcha been doing to my mom?" He said he almost peed his pants. That sweet, innocent daughter of mine is 18 now, and we still laugh about that to this day. Thank God it didn't traumatize her! Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 WA! I think I would have died a very slow death that day!!!! Ack!!!!! Couldn't they have at least shut the monitor off!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 They must have been living vicariously through me! Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Here's a little story... A friend of mine and her husband stayed with me and my husband while visiting the city. They came all the way from Europe to visit family but I lived in the city and we're the same age so its more fun. Anyway, I had this really small condo and while I was making breakfast, the wife and I were chit chatting and her H was in the shower. My H was in the bedroom changing. All of a sudden, I start hearing all these grunts and moans coming from my bathroom... hmmm... what the hell!!! The a few really loud grunts later it stopped. I was pretty sure her hubby was whacking off in the shower and all day long, I couldn't look him in the eye because if I did, I would start laughing. I was soooooo glad that my H and I showered before he did and after they left I put on some gear and scrubbed every inch of my bathroom... god forbid I step in some leftover man juice. Ack! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Not be sound like a jerk but LB is right.. You posted this and let people believe that you wrote it http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976758683 Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Got another one. God, this is kinda scary.... OKay, I am profess to be classy and dignified, but I guess I am able to let my hair down in the bedroom....SO... I found some of those furry handcuffs....the four point furry restraints...You know what I am talking about, right? Well, they also come with a really pretty white eye mask to cover your eyes with. You know what I am talking about, right? Well, I forgot to untie the restraints from the bed, but I did tuck them under the bed with the mask....and happily went off to work... My exBF walked into my room hours later to my thirteen year old spread eagle on the bed with the mask on....and the restraints too.... He stopped dead in his tracks. I am sure it was a deer in the headlights look. She lifted her head up and asked, 'Darn (his name), whatcha been doing to my mom?" He said he almost peed his pants. That sweet, innocent daughter of mine is 18 now, and we still laugh about that to this day. Thank God it didn't traumatize her! *hiccup* *snort* *snort* I'm dyin' here girls! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted June 14, 2006 Author Share Posted June 14, 2006 Not be sound like a jerk but LB is right.. You posted this and let people believe that you wrote it http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976758683 Hey I never said I wrote the "Shaving One" I said I was "Sharing" I received that via email today! Since everyone was sharing personal stuff I thought I would too! So ask before you accuse!!! I am a "Writer" that's what I do for a living and KNOW better than to to take credit for another Writer's accomplishments! Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 RC, I knew you were just sharing! Hugs WA Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted June 14, 2006 Author Share Posted June 14, 2006 RC, I knew you were just sharing! Hugs WA Thanks WA...... What pisses me off, is someone starts something a little more lighter to shed a tad bit of happiness to the drama and another has to come in and throw a negative! KEEP THE NEGATIVITY OUT OF THIS THREAD!! Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 KEEP THE NEGATIVITY OUT OF THIS THREAD!! Yes please!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted June 14, 2006 Author Share Posted June 14, 2006 Now back to laughs..... Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers..... WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think your are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a idiot. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.... (Hmmm....sounds like MO & Zara ...lol) WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. (Hmmm...sounds like all of us...lol) WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. (Hmmmm...sounds like this forums bashers.....lol) WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe your are invisible. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, leaving you unable to account for large chunks of time. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary!! WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. (been there!...lol) WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye ree gode. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealityCheck Posted June 14, 2006 Author Share Posted June 14, 2006 Here's a little story... A friend of mine and her husband stayed with me and my husband while visiting the city. They came all the way from Europe to visit family but I lived in the city and we're the same age so its more fun. Anyway, I had this really small condo and while I was making breakfast, the wife and I were chit chatting and her H was in the shower. My H was in the bedroom changing. All of a sudden, I start hearing all these grunts and moans coming from my bathroom... hmmm... what the hell!!! The a few really loud grunts later it stopped. I was pretty sure her hubby was whacking off in the shower and all day long, I couldn't look him in the eye because if I did, I would start laughing. I was soooooo glad that my H and I showered before he did and after they left I put on some gear and scrubbed every inch of my bathroom... god forbid I step in some leftover man juice. Ack! *laughing* OMG!!! That's funny! I would have knocked on the door and said "Need a Hand?" ......lol Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 *laughing* OMG!!! That's funny! I would have knocked on the door and said "Need a Hand?" ......lol I wanted to faint from embarassment!! If he came out naked, I'm sure I would have fainted for sure!! Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.... (Hmmm....sounds like MO & Zara ...lol) Dolly, I'm always either drunk or hungover!! I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. smooch smooch smooch!! By the way, its not stepping in man juice that scares me, its slipping in it and breaking my back that does!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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