Hello and I have a problem.

[alanna]

Hello. This is my first time posting. I was reading some of the threads here, and I thought it would be a good place to post.

 

I need some advice. Therapy is not helping. This may be kind of long. I aplogize, but if you have a little time and patience, I would appreciate any help.

 

My husband is a very nice person, but he's not who I thought he was. He is not romantic or affectionate enough to satisfy me. He does not like to have sex as much as I do. He is not very expressive when we do have sex or any other time. He rarely compliments me anymore or gets excited about anything to do with me. I see him glancing at other women. He swears he doesn't and has even cried at me thinking he did, but I don't think I am imagining it. He doesn't stare, just glances more than once. Once is natural, but you identify that they are attractive and don't look again because you are with the one you love. That is my take on that. He usually acts like he doesn't even know what girl I am talking about when I ask him about it.

 

We have no closeness.....

 

We have only been married for a little over a year, and things have been like this the entire marriage.. I am a pretty girl, and he tells me I am when I ask... I am very fit. I see no reason that he should be losing interest in me that way.... Maybe it is personality differences.... But I still get excited about him, even though I know that our differences cause problems.... Should I play harder to get? I hate playing games. I just want to be happy and comfortable.

 

To top it all off, his kids from his previous marriage are coming to stay for 2 months, and I am going to be the stay at home stepmom while he works 40+ hours a week. Sometimes he will even be gone for days at time. I barely know the kids, and with the way I feel about our relationship right now, I really don't want to do it. I will of course, and I will treat the kids as if they were my own, but my heart is not in it. It's just a reminder of closeness we don't have, that he shared with his ex-wife...

 

If anyone has any helpful words, I would appreciate it. I feel very stuck, lost, and hopeless.

[Tim'sAngel]

Hello. This is my first time posting. I was reading some of the threads here, and I thought it would be a good place to post.

 

I need some advice. Therapy is not helping. This may be kind of long. I aplogize, but if you have a little time and patience, I would appreciate any help.

 

My husband is not who I thought he was. He is not romantic or affectionate enough to satisfy me. He does not like to have sex as much as I do. He is not very expressive when we do have sex or any other time. He rarely compliments me anymore or gets excited about anything to do with me. I see him glancing at other women. He swears he doesn't and has even cried at me thinking he did, but I don't think I am imagining it. He doesn't stare, just glances more than once. Once is natural, but you identify that they are attractive and don't look again because you are with the one you love. That is my take on that. He usually acts like doesn't even know what girl I am talking about when I ask him about it.

 

Welcome to LS ALanna!!

 

First of all, I want to address this issue. I don't really understand why your husband "glancing" at other women is an issue with you unless you have some deep insecurities, which could be the case. I do not see how either male or female merely looking at the opposite sex is a problem and calling your hubby on it will only make him resent you. Do you not ever look at other men? And if you are, are you planning on how you are going to get them in bed? I doubt it, and it doesn't mean that you're hubby is either.

 

We have only been married for a little over a year. I am a pretty girl, and he tells me I am when I ask... I am very fit. I see no reason that he should be losing interest in me that way.... Maybe it is personality differences.... But I still get excited about him, even though I know that we are different.... Should I play harder to get? I hate playing games. I just want to be happy and comfortable.

 

From statistics I've seen, divorce usually happens within the first two years if my memory serves me right. It is the hardest part of a marriage. You are starting to settle into it and therefore thrill and excitement are no longer as strong as they were. Have you discussed your concerns with your hubby? How does he feel? Are you seeing a personal therapist or couple's counselor?

 

To top it all off, his kids from his previous marriage are coming to stay for 2 months, and I am going to be the stay at home stepmom while he works 40+ hours a week. Sometimes he will even be gone for days at time. I barely know the kids, and with the way I feel about our relationship right now, I really don't want to do it. I will, of course, and I will treat the kids as if they were my own, but my heart is not in it. It's just a reminder of closeness we don't have, that he shared with his ex-wife...

 

Hunny, if him and his ex wife were so close, she wouldn't be his ex wife. I think you may be dealing with jealousy issues just from little things I read here and there. Are you generally a jealous person? Are you guys planning on having anymore kids together? Maybe if you share some more details we can better understand your situation. It just sounds to me like you have the marriage blues and that only takes time to move on in the relatioship, past the "settling" point when you two will be more grounded in your marriage. JMO

[alanna]

thanks for welcoming me and all, but that didn't really help as i don't really feel you throughroly read everything i wrote.

 

i said A(meaning a single) glance was natural. yes, i see other men. but it isn't cool AT ALL to take a second or a third glance.

 

i don't want people to answer who just want to tell me everything i feel is wrong. i am not trying to simply be assured here, but i KNOW i am not all wrong or that all my feelings are my own problem! I also don't want people responding who don't read everything that i write. i wrote that therapy was not working, but you missed that, suggesting it. i also don't want people to respond who are just wanting to be know-it-alls to feed their egos.

 

please, real and sincere, and thoughtful people answer me.

 

thanks.

[ConfusedGal]

Hello,

 

I have been married for almost 4 years and recently posted a similar problem..Basically he never initiates anything sexual with me... My husband really doesnt stare at other women though...I talked to him about it... Without accusing him of anything. I said "we need to work on this because we are obviously having issues in that area." My husband is one of those "strange" men who need to feel good mentally to enjoy physically...So he had some issues with me which reduced his desire...Like he was annoyed he had to ask me 50 times to clean something up before I did it for example... So maybe with your husband its the same?? Ask him without accusing him of anything...

 

About the step kids, I honestly think you should not mix the two isses... If you are married to him, take care of the kids... Talk to him about the sexual issue. If you get an answer, at least you can work on it, and feel better about taking care of the step kids too...

[alanna]

thanks confused girl.

 

we have been in therapy for awhile, but it's not helping so much. we have talked about every single issue we have, and every possible reason for all the distance, and it's the same result... we know what all could be causing it, but we don't know how to make it better.

 

i just feel so unenthused about us now that i don't want to be the stepmom, but i will. the kids won't know how i feel in any way.

 

i'm just not sure if we should stay together, if it is too late, or if it will ever work... i don't want to give up too easily, but i don't want us to waste our lives in a constant struggle to be happy either.

 

he doesn't stare by any means, just glances a few times. he says his stresses are what make his sex drive less.

[Tim'sAngel]

thanks for welcoming me and all, but that didn't really help as i don't really feel you throughroly read everything i wrote.

 

i said A(meaning a single) glance was natural. yes, i see other men. but it isn't cool AT ALL to take a second or a third glance.

 

i don't want people to answer who just want to tell me everything i feel is wrong. i am not trying to simply be assured here, but i KNOW i am not all wrong or that all my feelings are my own problem! I also don't want people responding who don't read everything that i write. i wrote that therapy was not working, but you missed that, suggesting it. i also don't want people to respond who are just wanting to be know-it-alls to feed their egos.

 

please, real and sincere, and thoughtful people answer me.

 

thanks.

 

I did not mean to offend you at all, I think you took everything I said the wrong way but I apologize anyways.

 

You need to understand something about LS. You cannot pick and choose who you want to post on your thread, thats why it's a public forum. You dont necessarily have to like what others tell you, but as long as they stay within the forum guidlines, there is nothing you can do.

 

You misunderstood me. I didn't suggest seeing a theripist. You mention you were seeing one and I just asked for you to clarify whether you were seeing one by yourself or if it was "couple's" therapy. There is quite a difference.

 

I just feel like maybe if you give some more information we can give you better advice is all, I never meant to offend you in any way. I'm sorry you are going through a rough time in your marriage and hope that you will get some good advice, which I'm sure you will.

 

And BTW, I don't feel like everything you feel is wrong and I never said that. Marriage problems are real, and noone should downplay them. Just make sure you are being open minded.

[slinkysu]

thanks for welcoming me and all, but that didn't really help as i don't really feel you throughroly read everything i wrote.

 

i said A(meaning a single) glance was natural. yes, i see other men. but it isn't cool AT ALL to take a second or a third glance.

 

i don't want people to answer who just want to tell me everything i feel is wrong. i am not trying to simply be assured here, but i KNOW i am not all wrong or that all my feelings are my own problem! I also don't want people responding who don't read everything that i write. i wrote that therapy was not working, but you missed that, suggesting it. i also don't want people to respond who are just wanting to be know-it-alls to feed their egos.

 

please, real and sincere, and thoughtful people answer me.

 

thanks.

 

You know i think this post sums up exactly why you are having problems - you make them yourself.

 

The first response to your post was extremely well thought out and presented.

 

Glancing - even 3 times (shock! horror!) is perfectly normal and men will do it. So do women. I don't care if you're a supermodel, men will see another woman and take a glance - it's not cheating, it doesn't make you any less pretty - it's just seeing another woman and glancing at her.

 

Your ungratefulness at the person spending time and effort considering your problems and offering advice you asked for is pretty staggering.

 

Seems to me your problem is thinking the world revolves around you and if people don't tell you what you want to hear then they're wrong.

 

It's beyond rude to come on to a public forum, ask for advice, have someone spend their time on thinking over YOUR problems for YOU and then have you throw it back in their face because it wasn't what you wanted to hear.

 

You need to grow up and realise that you are making mountains out of molehills and probably love the drama. But don't waste other people's time if you aren't prepared to listen to their opinons.

[alanna]

f*** you and f*** your condescending attitudes on this forum! you don't know a godamn thing about me from this little thread i posted, but you assume you do. all you know is what i told you, which is enough for some decent, non-condescending advice. and there was nothing wrong with what i was presenting as issues. they were legitimate concerns.

 

obviously this forum is just like the ones that have NOTHING to do with anyone's feelings or real issues, it's all about who knows it all and egos!

 

thanks for nothing. i am the least drama loving person, and one of the nicest people you could ever meet, until you mess with me.

 

i will be sure to spread the word about how f***ed, uncaring, and self-righteous you people are on this forum.

this is definitely not the place to come for support, just for criticism.

 

don't bother turning this into a flame on me because i will not be coming back to see any other hateful s*** you a**h***s write.

 

f*** you and have a nice day.

[slinkysu]

I apologise. I didn't mean to be condescending, but i thought your first response to the very kind poster who spent some considerable time offering your advice was extremely rude. I think your second post is too - but i understand that you feel inflamed by my pointing out that i thought you were rude, so i guess that is understandable.

 

From your first post:

 

My husband is a very nice person, but he's not who I thought he was. He is not romantic or affectionate enough to satisfy me.

 

Why is this? What do you expect from your husband and what do you expect from marriage?

 

What do you do for him that you consider romantic and affectionate that satisfies him?

 

He does not like to have sex as much as I do.

 

how old are you? Men's libido's peak much earlier than women's and if you are in your late 20's early 30's you'd definitely outmatch him and this is a common problem - there are other threads on this site that might help you

 

He is not very expressive when we do have sex or any other time. He rarely compliments me anymore or gets excited about anything to do with me. I see him glancing at other women. He swears he doesn't and has even cried at me thinking he did, but I don't think I am imagining it.

 

Well that must be a head-screwer! He promises to the extent of crying that he isn't attracted to other women but you don't feel sure enough to believe him - why is that? Has he given you reason to not trust him? Do you have trust issues in general? Is it likely to be him or you that is having the problem here?

 

He doesn't stare, just glances more than once. Once is natural, but you identify that they are attractive and don't look again because you are with the one you love.

 

I don't agree with that. As long as they don't stare or stray, then glancing at pretty women is pretty natural. (Heck i drool over Orlando Bloom and my partner just has to sigh and get on with it! mind you he gets equally excited over Anna Friel so i guess we're even)

 

That is my take on that. He usually acts like he doesn't even know what girl I am talking about when I ask him about it.

 

Well him playing dumb is unfair to you and it's understandable you feel confused

 

 

We have no closeness.....

 

Why? What do you do to make yourself closer to him? What do you do to rectify this situation? What do you guys do together?

 

We have only been married for a little over a year, and things have been like this the entire marriage.. I am a pretty girl, and he tells me I am when I ask... I am very fit. I see no reason that he should be losing interest in me that way.... Maybe it is personality differences.... But I still get excited about him, even though I know that our differences cause problems.... Should I play harder to get? I hate playing games. I just want to be happy and comfortable.

 

Definitely don't play games. Has he said he doesn't get excited by you or are you making an assumption? What makes you think he doesn't get excited by you? Why do you think he is losing interest?

 

To top it all off, his kids from his previous marriage are coming to stay for 2 months, and I am going to be the stay at home stepmom while he works 40+ hours a week. Sometimes he will even be gone for days at time. I barely know the kids, and with the way I feel about our relationship right now, I really don't want to do it. I will of course, and I will treat the kids as if they were my own, but my heart is not in it. It's just a reminder of closeness we don't have, that he shared with his ex-wife...

 

as the previous poster said, if he was close to his ex-wife still she wouldn't be his ex. Look at this time as an opportunity to get closer to his kids. To become more involved in their lives and his life. Maybe that will make you feel closer to him?

[Woggle]

As far as glancing people will notice other attractive people. As long as he is not acting just take it is normal looking.

 

As far as the other stuff it does not sound like your husband is meaning to do anything wrong but you need to him to show more affection. Maybe you should discuss it with him in a nice way not trying to attack and see where that goes.

[catgirl1927]

I think it's pretty obvious that opinions on a public forum aren't the best way for this poster to hear what she wants to hear. Slinky and TA give good advice and it's pretty much wasted here.

[Tim'sAngel]

I think it's pretty obvious that opinions on a public forum aren't the best way for this poster to hear what she wants to hear. Slinky and TA give good advice and it's pretty much wasted here.

 

Obviously her tharepy isn't working because she is not inclined to listen to contructive criticism and the advice of others. Its sad really.

[whichwayisup]

he doesn't stare by any means, just glances a few times. he says his stresses are what make his sex drive less

 

You have to remember, when he does that, it's not about you. He isn't doing it to make a point or purposely make you feel bad. It's a guy thing. Now, if he is OOGLING and making sounds infront of you, THAT is disrespectful...Though, something tells me he isn't doing that...

 

As for the intimacy issues right now, he gave you an honest answer. He's stressed out due to work and it's affecting his sex drive. With that being said, he CAN make efforts to be more intimate, more giving and meeting your needs.

 

It's obvious that he's a hardworker, yet because of that, you suffer. He isn't meeting your needs...

 

Keep talking to him and don't give up.

 

Also, don't compare what you two have now to what he had with his ex. They have children together, so that bond is always going to be there. Besides, if their marriage was so wonderful, they wouldn't have split up. He's your husband, not hers...

 

I'm sure with the kids with you WILL bring you two closer. Plan family trips when he's not working so you all can be together. Go away camping overnight, see movies, and really get to know them. I'm sure when he sees how wonderful you are with the kids, IT will make him feel good as well as you. Kids have a way of bringing out the best in people.

[ashnicole]

Wow. That's all I can say, really.

[Kenyth]

f*** you and f*** your condescending attitudes on this forum! you don't know a godamn thing about me from this little thread i posted, but you assume you do. all you know is what i told you, which is enough for some decent, non-condescending advice. and there was nothing wrong with what i was presenting as issues. they were legitimate concerns.

 

obviously this forum is just like the ones that have NOTHING to do with anyone's feelings or real issues, it's all about who knows it all and egos!

 

thanks for nothing. i am the least drama loving person, and one of the nicest people you could ever meet, until you mess with me.

 

i will be sure to spread the word about how f***ed, uncaring, and self-righteous you people are on this forum.

this is definitely not the place to come for support, just for criticism.

 

don't bother turning this into a flame on me because i will not be coming back to see any other hateful s*** you a**h***s write.

 

f*** you and have a nice day.

 

I'm gonna call you on this one Alanna. You're having a meltdown over one persons opinion on a public forum. By the third post, you're already swearing profusely and condemning the entire board! Think about that for a second, please? Does this truly sound like someone who doesn't want drama? Whatever problems are in your marriage, it's not a stretch to guess that you have a big part in them. Mind you, this isn't to say you're a bad person or "wrong". You just don't appear to handle criticism or differing opinions well at all. Please calm down and discuss things rationally.