My girlfriend's weight

[greystone08]

Hey all, i'm new to this forum and i need some advice.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years today! We were doing the long distance thing for the first year and have been living in the same city for the past 2 years. She keeps bringing up marriage and i really do love her. I feel like she's the one. She does alot of things to turn me on. She gets her nails, hair, and feet done and that's always been a plus for me. She's also very pretty in the face but i got an issue.... her weight.

 

I know i might come off as shallow to a few of you. I myself, am a pretty built guy, about 6' 2, 220 lbs. I've always been one to work out and keep my body physically fit. My girlfriend, while she isn't obese, she could still stand to lose a few Ibs. She has very nice legs but from the waiste on up, she needs work (Top Heavy). I've tried encouraging her to diet and excerise but it just seems like she isn't motivated enough. I've seen her do it before because one time, while we were doing the long distance relationship, she lost 30 Ibs by diet/exercise and she was looking like a FOXX! But when i moved in the same city with her, she kept it off for about a month but started eating everything in sight. She put the weight back on faster than i could blink. She's been struggling with it ever since.

 

I really do like the girl. She gives me good sex, good friendship, and support. I'm just nervous about this weight thing. I get tired of people asking me " Is your girl pregnant" or "She's too young to have all that weight". It makes me a little ashamed for her. But i love her too much to let something like that ruin a 3 year relationship. She even says that she's tired of looking the way she does and she will start diets. As soon as she gets a craving for something not so healthy, she'll cheat. I'm always reminding her but after a while, she sounds annoyed and i feel like i'm nagging her. I know i can't change her. It's not that she has to be skinny like a model but i just want her to look healthy.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[laRubiaBonita]

i would just refer you back to the title of the post "MY GIRLFRIEND"S WEIGHT".

 

ahem** who's weight? hers, not yours.

 

sure you can care.... but i warn you to keep it to yourself after the first mention.

 

do you really think a girl forgets that her boyfriend thinks she fat? no, they do not.

 

if you cannot love all of her for who, what and how dense she is, then find a new mass to love.

[greystone08]

yeah but its not that easy. I've been with the girl for 3 years. I love her but i still want to be proud to bring her around. I think wanting someone to improve themselves does not mean that you don't love them for what they are.

[BrandonBP]

It means that she's comfortable with you. When women all of a sudden get really motivated to get into shape, look out! There's a potential new fling somewhere.

 

I knew reading your post that the women here would get all pissy about having the nerve to ask that your girlfriend look nice. Physical attraction isn't the most important part of a relationship by far, but it's still very important to be attracted to your mate.

[allina]

Yikes, thats tough. I don't think you're being too shallow, we cannot help but be attracted to what we are attracted to, especially body wise, but you cannot tell your gf that she is fat. Since you live in the same city now, and you said you like to keep in shape, maybe you could plan a lot of active dates like hiking and such and avoiding staying in and ordering food?? You could try telling her that you want to get in better shape and lose a few, it's possible that she would say "me too, lets do it together"

[greystone08]

i've done that. and we go to the gym together sometimes. i go str8 from work, but sometimes she doesn't show up. She gets mad at me for being at the gym for a long time and sometimes accuses me of seeing another woman. I've let her know how particular i am about being fit. She says that she doesn't want to lose me so she'll do whatever it takes... meaning diet and exercise. But she has this fantasy that after she graduates, she'll get a tummy tuck and but implants. I tell her that she still needs to stay in shape because surgery is not the answer and that no way is better than the "natural" way.

 

I don't want to come off arrogant, shallow, and a jerk. But my girlfriend is a reflection on me because i'm with her. I just want her to be and look the best she can.

[allina]

 

I don't want to come off arrogant, shallow, and a jerk. But my girlfriend is a reflection on me because i'm with her. I just want her to be and look the best she can.

 

That part is a little arrogant, are you embarassed to be seen with her? Also is she actually overweight, or just not 'oerfect' enough? I agree that her attitude about just getting a tummy tuck is silly. Does she feel overweight or does she just want to do it for you?

[kit4kat]

Yes, make it a group effort thing! Try cooking healthier meals together, start a daily habit of going for a nightly walk after dinner... find small ways to get out there and move, while eating right. But don't under any circumstance tell her you think she needs to lose weight, that'll cause lots of problems!

[BeFree]

Op,

 

I don't think you are being that shallow. Men are instinctively atracted to looks first. Many men also worry about how much weight a woman will gain 5 - 10 years after marriage. Just a fact of life.

 

One thing about men is they tend to eat whatever they want and never gain more than a few pounds. So when we woman go out to dinner with you guys, we start to fall into the same pattern. I think she lost that wieght during your long distance time, because you were not there to influence her eating. Men don't do it on purpose, it just happens.

 

So I think there is a solution. If you make eating right and exercise part of your life, she will also. When you go out to eat, make it a light affair. Start riding bikes together on the weekends or go hiking. Instead of siting on the couch as a couple, go out and do things. This will have to be a life long comitment together. But if you do it, you will enjoy the benifits.

 

Good luck!

[greystone08]

thanks for all the replies everyone.

 

And Allina i'm generally not afraid to be seen with her. But bringing her around my friends and family, sometimes i start to worry about what others think ( which is a problem of my own i need to deal with). I've heard jokes from other people about what some of my family members have said about her behind my back. It doesn't make me feel good because i already have the idea that she could stand to trim up.

 

When she lost that weight 2 1/2 years ago, there were all kinds of dudes hitting on her. As twisted as it sounds, i was proud . It actually felt good knowing you have something that's forbidden fruit to others.

 

I'm going to take all your guys advice. I'll try to work with her and deal with my own issues myself as well. Befree that was a good tip. I still hope to hear more ideas. Thanks in advance!

 

grey

[BeFree]

greystone,

 

you also mention she is in school. Most college girls gain 15 pounds. It has to do with the fact that they are not playing highschool sports anymore or even PE but still eating nachos and cheese burgers for lunch.

 

They usually lose the weight when they realize this and take down their calorie intake. But if you want to set the example , I recomend starting now.

[Tim'sAngel]

First of all, I really believe that love is love no matter what shape or size. If you are really ashamed of her, I'm having a hard time believing its real love. You do have to learn to accept the one you love no matter what.

 

Now, with that being said, your not being shallow. My SO is a health nut and I know if I were overweight or didn't take my health seriously, it would be a huge turn off to him. It is the same thing as personality, sense of humor, or moral values. If your not compatible to her wieght, then you're not. She needs to be willing to take care of her body whether she is with you or not, so I can see how it would bother you. However, she doesn't sound very motivated. This is what me and the SO do (since I wasn't the healthiest person when we first met) I learned how to cook meals according to our healthy lifestyle, and we have recently started a work out routine together. We both try to motivate each other to stay healthy and fit.

 

The only thing that worries me about your situation is that your story reminds me of a good friend of mine. She was dating this guy who was her high school sweetheart for maybe 3 or 4 years. She had always struggled with her weight, and her bf would make crude remarks to her about it and try so hard to get her to lose it, and it was killing her self esteem. Finally, after taking all she could, she broke up with him and is now happily married to someone who appriciates her for who she is. If she its clear she isn't going to change, and you can't deal with it, then you have a problem because you both will never be happy. JMO

[Tim'sAngel]

thanks for all the replies everyone.

 

And Allina i'm generally not afraid to be seen with her. But bringing her around my friends and family, sometimes i start to worry about what others think ( which is a problem of my own i need to deal with). I've heard jokes from other people about what some of my family members have said about her behind my back. It doesn't make me feel good because i already have the idea that she could stand to trim up.

 

That paragraph bothers me.

 

When she lost that weight 2 1/2 years ago, there were all kinds of dudes hitting on her. As twisted as it sounds, i was proud . It actually felt good knowing you have something that's forbidden fruit to others.

 

That isn't twisted at all, its perfectly normal.

[Bangles]

I wonder what you are gonna do 20, 30 years down the road when the wrinkles and age sets in. But usually you guys have traded us in a few times by then, just like u do cars. At size 0 I was still not skinny enuff for my husband. Needless to say I started to feel better after I left him. Funny thing was he married 4 more times, all to heavy women and told them the same thing after they lost weight. I know men don't like women that are heavy but there is no way we will ever look like the magazine pics, believe me, I've tried.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Well, I have the same problem with my H! When we were dating, he was already on the chubby side. I let slide because I didn't think that I'd be bothered by it. Well, 10 years later, and he's gained 50+ lbs!! (And he's slightly shorter than average!) At one point, he must have been 70 # overweight!! Now, he's been trying to loose the weight... but he's not exercising... only eating about 30% less than before (ie. by skipping dinner). But he cheats now and then.

 

I'll tell you how I feel: CHEATED!

 

The thing is, you can't beat a dead horse. If your GF is not motivated to be consistent in her dieting plan now... I'd hate to see her 10 years from now. I am laughing now... but I'm really frustrated with my H's weight. I've tried everything! For the past 2 years, I've even stopped talking about it because he said that it stressed him out to hear about his weight problems.

 

Well, if her weight is important to you - and it seems that it is - then see if you can fix it before you think about marriage. You seem young anyway.

[whichwayisup]

Start going on walks together in the evening. Join a gym together or do another sport, maybe tennis or squash. If you two jog, then go jogging/running the mornings. Do yoga together - That's healthy for the both of you.

 

Somehow without making it seem like you're nagging her or pushing her (cuz we all know what happens when someone "tells" us what we should do...We rebel and do the opposite) gently suggest to her that BOTH of you could lose afew pounds (even if you think you don't, just say that anyway) so why not DO something fun together.

 

You can't control what she eats and when. That's up to her and if you comment on her food THAT will become an issue. People wrestle with diets, go on and off them. The key too is exercise, and staying away from high fatty foods, carbs etc., daily. Afew times a week is OK - And noone can change their eating habits so quickly.

 

Be encouraging, have faith that she'll lose the weight when SHE feels it's time. Trust me, I'm sure inside her head she knows and I'm sure it bugs her. Until she's ready to DO instead of saying I will - All you can do is just support her.

 

I have to comment on something else you said. Worrying about what others think or say about her weight. You can't control what anybody thinks or says, so don't even attempt of trying to make your girlfriend "look" good by losing weight just so those who might be saying things behind her back will stop. Trust me, if they are commenting on her weight, and she eventually loses it, they'll find something else to complain about. Some people are judgemental, gossipy and just love to say s***. It doesn't mean they don't like her, I'm sure they DO like her...They just feel the need to gossip.

 

Hope this helps.

[paige367]

My advice to you is to find a new girlfriend. She will never lose weight "for you" and if she does it probably won't stay off. I'm an overweight woman and the only thing that "works" is to do it for myself and be motivated within myself and then the rest follows. She will not have any success if you are shaming her, pressuring her or trying to talk her into it. The motivation has to come from within. If you don't love her fat then you don't really love her.

[Bullgator]

Hey, I hear where you're coming from.

 

I have observed that in today's culture, men are too quickly condemned as being shallow or insensitive when they mention the subject of their girlfriends weight. But the truth is this: although both sexes are stimulated by physical attraction, it's a biological fact that visual stimulation is more important to men. We're just wired that way.

 

And hear this: your concerns about her appearance will not be overcome with time. No matter how much you love her, it will eventually interfere with your satisfaction in the relationship, and therefore her satisfaction as well.

 

I can tell you as an older guy who has been around a while that this is TROUBLE BREWING. I can't tell you exactly what to do, except DON'T IGNOR IT. As unpleasant as it seems, this issue must be addressed. NOW. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt when it finally comes out.

 

I agree that it needs to be handled with sensitivity, but if you follow the advice of those who are telling you not to mention it, you are just heading for a train wreck down the road.

 

It's not at all unreasonable for someone such as yourself (who is committed to physical fitness in his own life) to desire the same in your spouse.

 

JMHO

[Noos]

Biology as an excuse to be a body fascist - I'm getting sick of that.

 

OP - can you tell me how tall she is and how much she weighs?

[greystone08]

You seem young anyway.

 

that must be a nice way of saying i sound dumb. (Just kidding!) But i guess if you wanna consider 26 young, then i guess so. I feel like i'm getting up there though!

 

Special thanks to those who understand my plight. I'm in no way trying to look down on her. And i do love her but i somewhat disagree with the comment someone made saying "if you love her, you have to love her fat too." The truth is, I will never love that but will have to learn to accept it if she refuses to change or let her go. I think that she realizes she could improve her weight and she has cut way down on her meal portions since jan 2006, but her exercise routine is not consistent enough. All i want her to do is be the best i know she can be. I've seen it. I just want her to live up to her full potential. Sorry , i know the way that sounds.

[Bullgator]

Perhaps I came across too harsh. And by the way, the name-calling really hurts.

 

I am only saying that this is an issue with a great number of men, it is biologically based, and denial does not make it go away.

 

Yes, it is offensive to many women. But hey, I didn't design the model. I'm just the messenger.

 

And Greystone, because this is important to YOU, the long term health of the relationship will suffer unless and until it is resolved.

 

As always, JMHO

[MarnieGirl]

 

They usually lose the weight when they realize this and take down their calorie intake.

 

nuh. brandon says it is probably a fling.

[catgirl1927]

I realize I say this all the time, but you said she has a tough time staying on diets. Has she tried Weight Watchers? It's really flexible.

 

The truth is, motivation to diet is internal. YOU have to want it, no one can make you do it. Yeah, you can do all kinds of stuff with her like walks and all that, but the motivation to stick to something is completely internal.

 

I agree with TA, if you're ashamed of her you don't really love her. If you do love her and want her to get help with her weight, I suggest that instead of you doing it, get an external person to help her. The truth is, staying in shape is probably easier for you, and if it's not, I bet she's convinced herself it is. That's why she gets short with you when you nag. To make losing weight about being "good enough" for someone else is enough to turn anyone off from it.

 

You're in a tough place if you actually do love her. Weight loss is a lot harder than most people realize, and if she has a bit to lose it's intimidating. That's another reason I recommend Weight Watchers. Skinny people didn't motivate me to lose. Having a group of people who were fat too and were struggling like I was helped a lot. They were really nice. Until I lost all the weight. Then they were kind of mean, but I know how they felt so...

[greystone08]

Perhaps I came across too harsh. And by the way, the name-calling really hurts.

 

I am only saying that this is an issue with a great number of men, it is biologically based, and denial does not make it go away.

 

Yes, it is offensive to many women. But hey, I didn't design the model. I'm just the messenger.

 

And Greystone, because this is important to YOU, the long term health of the relationship will suffer unless and until it is resolved.

 

As always, JMHO

 

i don't see at all where you came off harsh. i thought you were one of the more understanding ones on this thread. I just wanted to make sure that i myself wasn't to souning shallow or like a jerk.

 

And BTW, she is going to start Weight Watchers in the next month. We'll see where that goes!

[catgirl1927]

And BTW, she is going to start Weight Watchers in the next month. We'll see where that goes!

 

I think she'll be very happy with it. And you will be too, because it will be her thing. For SO's to help with weight loss is a good idea if you're both overweight. But I really think when one is and one isn't, the one who is does better without a skinny person yelling at them!

 

She will feel SO much better about herself and I think you'll both be happy again. TRUST ME, she knows you don't find her attractive and I promise it's tearing her apart. Well, I don't know her so I can't really say that, but I bet it's true...