dolcezucchero Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 I've been with my boyfriend for two years and we are moving in together next month. He is so good to me in so many ways and we are very much in love. I have been having jealousy issues lately about him and his ex. He was with her on and off for two years, and they were broken up for about 4 months before we got together. Overall it sounded like the relationship was full of drunken arguments and harsh fights. But they were together for that long, so there must have been something good about it. Anyways...for the background info, she had caused problems before. While I was abroad last year he told me that one night he had gone to pick her up to help her through a tough problem with one of her abusive exes. He said he was just trying to lend an ear, but then she kissed him. He said he didn't kiss her back and that he told her she made a huge mistake and told her he's with me and that's that. Anyways, I've heard from mutual friends that she still has feelings for him, although she has just started a casual relationship with another guy. Ok so fast forward to the present. Now my bf is abroad and i found out she has emailed him twice, and the more recent email was thanking him for everything and saying how she had been thinking about their relationship and all their memories and was wondering if they could get together when he gets back to catch up with friends. She still calls him by a nickname too. Anyways...I am pretty jealous and I don't think they should keep in contact if she still has feelings because that can't lead to anything good. One more thing is, he rarely, if ever, mentions me because he doesn't want to hurt her. Ok they have been broken up for almost 2.5 years I think its ok for her to realize times have changed and that he has moved on. Do you guys think its mean to mention significant others to exes? What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Its time for him to move on. You are with him, and if he wanted her out of his life he would be more then happy to tell her to get over him and leave him alone, and mention you. I say don't move in with him until you get this issue solved, cause right now he is either a pansy and you are always going to have to deal with this ex, or he is still hung up on her. Either way this isn't the type of person you want to move in with Link to post Share on other sites
Author dolcezucchero Posted June 15, 2006 Author Share Posted June 15, 2006 So are you saying they should have no contact whatsoever? I mean I would love that, but is it fair to him to totally have to cut her out of his life? Plus we have so many mutual friends it would be impossible not to bump into her constantly. Link to post Share on other sites
Magister Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 You have access to his email? Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 the very fact that he doesn't want to "hurt her " by talking about youwould speak volumes to me that he is more concerned about her feelings their your own Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 I think he needs to forget about her feelings because she's not the one that matters at the moment, he's not with her anymore. If you're not more important to him than her, then it looks like he might just be with the wrong person. I think ex's can still talk every once in awhile. Depending on the circumstances. I don't want my boyfriend talking to any of his ex's without me around, or without telling me. & I wouldn't do that to him, either. I think that's just a pure respect issue. I think your feelings are normal. You're worried about it because you don't know EXACTLY what their relationship was about... and you aren't sure exactly what it was that held onto him for so long. I'd talk to him about it, pure & simple. Let him know that it makes you extremely uncomfortable, and you'd rather it stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Milf629 Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 keep your friends close and your enemies closer. in other words...befriend her. Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 keep your friends close and your enemies closer. in other words...befriend her. Why? So it makes it easier for them to be able to have an affair if they choose to do so? Doesn't sound like a good decision to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dolcezucchero Posted June 15, 2006 Author Share Posted June 15, 2006 Obviously he can't cut off all contact since she will be at other social gatherings we attend. I know it must be hard because if you spend two years with someone and love them, I think you'll always have a special place for them in your heart, sad but true. What about like wishing each other happy birthday and stuff? I just kind of feel like a controlling girlfriend if I were to tell him I don't want him talking to her ever again. It seems kinda harsh, but maybe thats what needs to happen. I'm not worried about him cheating on me, I know he would never do that. And especially with her, he's realized how much better he has it now with someone who appreciates him and treats him well like he treats me. Its just the fact that they have special memories together that bugs me and he'll always have those which I'm not a part of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dolcezucchero Posted June 15, 2006 Author Share Posted June 15, 2006 And yes he gave me his password to his email account. I know it sounds horrible, and I should stop checking it. Would it have been better that I not know she's been emailing him? I think its harmless, but I know it looks really bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dolcezucchero Posted June 15, 2006 Author Share Posted June 15, 2006 I think you are totally right ashnicole, thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Obviously he can't cut off all contact since she will be at other social gatherings we attend. I know it must be hard because if you spend two years with someone and love them, I think you'll always have a special place for them in your heart, sad but true. What about like wishing each other happy birthday and stuff? I just kind of feel like a controlling girlfriend if I were to tell him I don't want him talking to her ever again. It seems kinda harsh, but maybe thats what needs to happen. I'm not worried about him cheating on me, I know he would never do that. And especially with her, he's realized how much better he has it now with someone who appreciates him and treats him well like he treats me. Its just the fact that they have special memories together that bugs me and he'll always have those which I'm not a part of. That's going to be something that you HAVE to get over. Everyone that you're with, from here on out, will have a past with someone... there's nothing you can do about that. Everyone had someone before you, and there are going to memories, good memories, that you were not a part of... that doesn't mean that his memories of her are better than his memories with you... it just means that they ARE there... and there's nothing you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 It may just be a case of her forcing himself on her and him not DISLIKING/HATING her enough to overcome his own standards of decency to be mean to her. Or he maybe toying with her just out of pettiness. So, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer. in other words...befriend her." is excellent advice. You don't know what is going on and, if you ask, you are just like to make your BF like you less. A good rule of thumb is, if your BF is friends with someone, you need to be friends with him/her too. Disagreements kill relationships. Avoid them as much as possible. So, if he likes her and you don't like her, he is going to be angry and annoyed with you for not liking her too. So start liking her. If your her friend you can go out with her without him around and see about getting her interested in another guy or get her to do something so disgusting your boyfriend looses all possible interest in her (don't let him find out about your involvement, if any). If you get her hooked up with another guy and your boyfriend doesn't like that, you know to go ahead and dump him. If your boyfriend is already after her, there isn't a damn thing you can do except move on. Well, there are things you could do, but why put in so much effort when you can just get another BF? If he is thinking about it, but hasn't made a decision, befriending her is still the best option. Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 I think you are totally right ashnicole, thanks. You're welcome. Any update on the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Tinman Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 the very fact that he doesn't want to "hurt her " by talking about youwould speak volumes to me that he is more concerned about her feelings their your own No, really. It could very well mean that while he has no interest in being in a relationship with her again, he does still care for her and doesn't want to rub it in her face that he's moved on. Just because he doesn't want to go out of his way to hurt her doesn't mean he cares more for the ex's feelings than the gf's. Now, if he were denying the existance of the gf then THAT would be a big issue. Likewise, if he has never mentioned that he has a gf at all and thus is letting think he is available then THAT would also be a big issue. However, if the case is that he simply doesn't bring her up much then that means nothing other then that he may be trying to be sensitive to her feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dolcezucchero Posted June 18, 2006 Author Share Posted June 18, 2006 Thanks for all the input, every post makes me look at it a different direction and it's helpful. My bf has already told the ex that he is happily with me and nothing will change that and that she has no power over him. We had a talk last night because, with him abroad, I was going to go celebrate my friend(who is a guy)'s birthday because his gf had just broken up with him and he was bummed. Keep in mind my bf and this guy are friends and knows that me and him are just friends and thats it. But my bf didn't want me staying overnight and drinking with this guy, even though nothing would have happened, it just would have looked weird. I was ok with that because although I think its no big deal, its not ok if he feels uncomfortable and I would feel the same way if he did that. So we had this talk about how we need to honor each other's feelings even though we may not feel the same way in situations. I just gave an example that if he wanted to hang out with any of his two past roommates (which were girls) I would be ok with that, because I know their relationship and i am not bothered by it. Then I told him it is a whole different story if he told me he was going to hang out with his ex and that I wouldnt be ok with that. He totally agreed and said that just the two of them hanging out would never happen. He said the only way he would ever see her is if she was with a group of his friends, so she is pretty much unavoidable. Which is true I suppose. So, I think we made some progress. Link to post Share on other sites
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