Jean Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 It could be either, most likely the latter. My friend and I have had a FWB relationship for a long time. We started out as friends then moved into a sexual relationship after several years of friendship. Neither of us was looking for commitment for various reasons: bad past experiences, general fear of commitment, etc. Since then, we've been together off and on, each time saying it was going to be the last time. We have always said that we wouldn't ask anything more from each other than friendship. I think the thing I have always found strange is that he always kisses me on the lips when we say goodbye. Maybe it's just me, but I find it strange to kiss someone who is "just a friend" regardless of what might have happened. He has also made some comments that I find cryptic. I'm finally at a point where I'm ready to move on with my life. I've finished school, am in a career I enjoy, and now want to focus on the long-neglected personal life. I think that I am finally ready to enter into a relationship. I can't decide if my friend has been hinting at wanting more, or if that's just me misunderstanding his signals because of our different cultural backgrounds. Now that I feel ready to look for and enter a relationship with someone, what do I tell him? After all the years we've been close friends, I know I definitely love him. I'm just not sure if I'm in love with him or have put him on some kind of pedestal due to nostalgia. I know we will have to have a serious discussion when I see him. However, I seriously don't want to end our 10+ year friendship which has endured a lot. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 You have to be willing to risk your friendship in the short term and be completely honest about your desire to have a relationship now. Holding in your feelings will just foster resentment and cause awkwardness in your current relationship with him. If you have been friends for 10+ years, a setback will not end your friendship permanently. You might get hurt that he doesn't want to go to the next level, and he might get hurt when you eventually find another man. But you have so much history with eachother that nothing will end your friendship forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Jean Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 I guess I'm not sure if I want the relationship to be with him. I know I have to just bite the bullet and have the talk. It's just not something I'm looking forward to. Amazing that we can talk about anything and everything under the sun except for this. Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 Yeah -- I know what you mean -- but look at it this way: If you can't talk about it, then the chances that you'd work out in a full-blown relationship are slimmer than desireable. Simply being able to express to eachother what your desires are and how you feel about your chances is a great step toward a real relationship. If you aren't sure he's "the one," then the two approaches you can take are (a) try it and see, or (b) cut off the FWB and try with someone else. Certainly you should make up your mind on the strategy before having the talk, but you still need to have the talk even if you don't want to go down the relationship path with him. If he has been your friend for 10 years, then he deserves the honesty about you wanting to date others (and cutting off the sex with him). Link to post Share on other sites
Jean Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 If you aren't sure he's "the one," then the two approaches you can take are (a) try it and see, or (b) cut off the FWB and try with someone else. Certainly you should make up your mind on the strategy before having the talk, but you still need to have the talk even if you don't want to go down the relationship path with him. If he has been your friend for 10 years, then he deserves the honesty about you wanting to date others (and cutting off the sex with him). Thanks for the input. I know that you're right (I've been saying the same to myself all along). Just difficult to get it all organized in my head. I need to work on wording and such. Just to muddy the waters a little more - have I mentioned that we live on different coasts - 3000 miles apart. So the cutting off sex part really isn't an issue. I'm committed here for another 2 years and always planned on moving back. I talked to him about coming to visit me, but he replied, "what's the point? You're moving back here anyway." Wtf? Weird. Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Yeah -- weird comment -- I don't get it at all. Anyway, maybe we are just over-analyzing the need for you to do much if anything. The relationship is clearly non-exclusive, as you guys haven't had "the talk." It also seems like you just aren't sure about him anyway, and being long distance for another 2 years is not really going to give you the opportunity to really figure out if he's the one you want to take a shot at. Try to see what it is like being more open to meeting other men. You don't have to be aggressive about it, but just see what its like going on a few dates. This will accomplish 2 things: (a) it will help you figure out if your heart is really bound to him or not, and (b) he'll sense you are distancing yourself a bit and you will be able to see if that causes him to be more aggressive about spending time with you -- a necessary ingredient if anything is going to happen later on. Link to post Share on other sites
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