Being the bad guy

[Toranaga]

I keep wondering whether to share or not - originally, I came here seeking validation but now I know it's not going to happen.

 

My situation is: as a MM I've *almost* started an EA several times, or should I say *almost* acted on it, and the most recent has been like the proverbial last drop.

 

I don't want to cheat on my W, and I don't want to abandon my son, PLUS I don't want to make OW feel like ... well, like the OW.

 

BUT ... the reality of not being allowed to make connection to some extremely special people in my life, to cherish and enjoy that connection, all that feels like HELL. I am not in it for sex; it's the emotional connection itself that is the strongest component there for me.

 

So, I guess I just want to know... anybody here feeling torn like this?

 

I've read many posts written by both betrayed W's and OW's, and they provided me with all the reasons for NOT acting on my feelings, EVER, or else I may destroy not just myself but many more people around me. And as I am writing this, I realize most of you would concur. Would you?

 

This hurts like s***. If there's anyone around who's gone through this and won, I would love to hear from you. Thanks.

[jmargel]

There are a ton of temptations out there. I've been there myself. However acting on them is a different nature. If you think you feel like s**t now, how do you think you are going to feel after it happens? How do you think the OW & your wife is going to feel?

 

I would suggest marriage counseling since it sounds like you lost that emotional attachment with your wife. You are seeking out something you are missing from her. You need to find the cause of that and either fix it or leave the marriage.

 

Cheating is not going help thing, it'll make them worse. Goto your wife & have a heart to heart with her. It's probably something she's been needing for awhile. Not to accuse or blame each other for things, but to find ways to better communicate.

 

Again I would also seek our MC before this gets any worse.

[cranium]

I don't want to cheat on my W, and I don't want to abandon my son, PLUS I don't want to make OW feel like ... well, like the OW.

 

BUT ... the reality of not being allowed to make connection to some extremely special people in my life, to cherish and enjoy that connection, all that feels like HELL. I am not in it for sex; it's the emotional connection itself that is the strongest component there for me.

 

Does your wife know of your unsatisfaction with the current condition of your marriage? What is missing from your emotional connection with your wife that you are finding fulfilled by this OW?

 

To have attractions to others is human. Enjoy it for what it is; don't take it any further. I would suggest you communicate with your wife. "So and so OW is really wigging me out and I don't want to do anything stupid..."

 

It may be painful for you to tell her and your wife may be hurt to hear of your infatuation with another, but the pain for both of you will be far less than the trainwreck that awaits you should you *act*.

 

I have been both the WS and the BS. I was stupid and did *act*; so did my wife with her OM. We are still together, but she's in it primarily for our children.

[Trimmer]

So far the only thing you've shared about your marriage is that you don't want to cheat on your wife. Tell a little about the emotional connection with her, and whether she is "extremely special" to you.

 

Is there something lacking withing your marriage that you feel a need to seek elsewhere? If so, why not work to build that special emotional connection within your marriage?

 

If your marriage is already strong and satisfying but you still feel that it's not enough - that you need to go elsewhere for more or different connections which you know will ultimately be damaging - you might want to try some individual counseling to figure out why you are so strongly driven in this direction.

 

Incidentally, was the "*almost* started an EA several times" with the same individual, or with several different ones? How are these people becoming so "extremely special" in your life (i.e. how are you allowing them to get so close) when you are already in a committed marriage? Do you just feel like you can't help yourself, like it's "just happening" and you can't resist the feelings, or do you persue it in search of that emotional rush?

 

Lots of questions, but I'm trying to understand...

[Toranaga]

These are difficult questions, and I appreciate very much your willingness to bear with me and talk to me. There's no one in my RL whose counsel I can seek!

 

My marriage is 7 years old, it's been rocky at times and extremely satisfying other times, and all I can say is how much I appreciate my W's loyalty and patience. We met when we both were young and stupid and poor, and we've got through the rough times together.

 

That said, if we didn't have a child (whom we both love madly), I don't think we'd have stayed together. He's definitely the glue that holds us together. We are way too different in character and we both want different things in life (I won't elaborate now, maybe later).

 

On to further questions: yes, it's happened to me several times with different OW. All of them have been extremely special to me: all of them intelligent, charming, independent... just like my W :-) I've never crossed the line with any of them, though in all cases everybody was clear about what was going on.

 

I don't know what's causing it; one of them called me "addicted to love". I suppose that's about right. The feeling is a drug; one so powerful I can barely resist - and if those OW didn't have a strong character, I suppose I would have acted on it in the end. Yeah, there we go...

 

It's been 3 weeks since I initiated a NC period with the latest OW, and the pain is finally going away, albeit slowly... and every time this happens, I feel like something inside of me is dying with it... it's not making me a better man in any case, even if I "win" (and not do anything stupid).

 

Thanks again for your patience with me!