We had another conversation

[Tina]

THanks guys for telling me not to play the same wishy-washy game as him! Last night I called him up and told him that I had not really said the things that were in my heart the night before for fear of getting hurt. He responded in a very warm manner and we had a nice conversation. I kept it all on the 'light' side not wanting to 'go' into territory that might be painful.

 

He told me he had never met such an interesting woman before and had never been attracted to anyone more than myself, but the only problem was that when we had disagreements we fought.

 

"Well, let's see what happens the next time we have a disagreement if we will fight or not," I proposed.

 

"Okay let's see what happens," he replied.

 

"Who knows, maybe we won't even have any disagreements!" I proposed in a laughing voice (I laughed alot and even joked about him going out with other women to 'proove' that I wasn't jealous).

 

He told me that it was all possible and the future was open with us. Then he told me that he hadn't been with any other women since me and that he 'hoped' I hadn't been with other men. He told me over and over how much he loved me and how important I was to him. I didn't push the issue of gettting together, but my next question will be, how can I bring this up without being pushy??

[Ed]

People usually want to spend a good deal of time together, in person, to enable a relationship to flourish. I know you said you are not in the same town as he, but how often are you in the same town? Maybe it's enough to keep up the interest, but not enough for things to flourish.

 

Even if you are able to be together often enough, if you are fighting over disagreements, it can certainly give someone a bad taste in their mouth and put a damper on things.

 

Most rational people don't have fights over disagreements. But, even if you don't have fights, too many disagreements should be enough to make BOTH parties of a couple think twice about their compatibility. And don't, for one second, sincerely believe you won't have any future disagreements. You will! If you don't, then somebody is most likely living in a rose colored world of non-reality.

 

You seem to be determined to make this relationship work, whether he wants it to or not. That's enough to start a fight all by itself. It doesn't matter how much attraction there is, how good the sex is, how many things you overlook or how many disagreements you try to avoid, you can't MAKE something work that won't work.

 

Quit trying to MAKE this relationship into something it is not. Let it be what it will be. If things workout, they workout. If they don't, they don't. That's all there is to it. No level of game playing, manipulation, or smoothing over will change it.

 

Chill!

[Tony T]

Let some time pass. Get back into the relationship slowly. If things are right, both of you ought to slip right back into the old relationship. Otherwise, just bring it up.

 

I urge you to go to a counsellor and learn proper, sane, and civil conflict resolution techniques so you can have disagreements in a constructive way. You'll need these skills in all human relationships all the days of your life.

[midori]

I'm happy for you Tina, but it sounds like you're still playing games. You don't want to sound "pushy" so you self-censor your feelings & what you want, keeping yourself under wraps? How long is that going to work -- and at what cost to you?

 

Biting your tongue and operating under the premise that "harmony" must prevail at all costs is a) not being authentic -- real -- in the relationship and b) very likely to trip you up sooner or later once the huge load of resentment that has built up from constricting yourself and your emotions comes tumbling off your back. Anger is a real emotion. If your relationship with this guy involves frequent fights and chronic anger, do you really think that's going to dissipate just because you decide not to fight anymore?

 

Does this guy care about why you're angry when the two of you fight -- or is his goal merely to get you to stop showing your anger? He doesn't like it when you fight, OK, fine, few people enjoy fighting. But rather than outlaw disagreement in the relationship why not, if he genuinely loves you, try to get to the root of the problems to see if you and he can stop being angry altogether? That won't happen without dialogue, that won't happen with light, laughing chatter. Preserving harmony at the cost of dealing with the real underlying issues is a bad proposition.

 

I think you've got to figure out where the anger is coming from, why you guys keep fighting. It may well be a defensive tactic on his part, another way to put up obstacles between himself and intimacy with you. Or it could be that your unspoken needs & resentments are already seeped to the surface. Or maybe the two of you just don't get along! But whatever the reason I think it would be a huge mistake to pretend that the anger isn't there just so the two of you won't fight. Because you will, eventually, fight -- it will simply be worse the longer you let it go.

 

What is this guy asking you to sign on for Tina? Affection and "love" (without commitment) so long as you promise to never voice any bad feelings? Doesn't sound very fulfilling...