tidal Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 I'm moving in with my boyfriend on the first of July. Right now he lives in MN and I live in MI. I've stayed this past week with him in mn and am leaving on Saturday. Today.... I was chatting with a friend who has offered me a place to stay in jersey and who thinks that I would find better jobs on the east coast. When my boyfriend came home for lunch, I minimized the chat window. I didn't close it because I didn't have anything to hide. He used the computer while I was watching tv. When he went back to work, I got on the computer and found an email from my friend which read, "You know, you don't have to like my opinions. But you don't have to curse at me and insult me either." Well, I went read the chat history and saw that my boyfriend wrote, "you are a dumb f***. nj is a crappy place" making my friend believe that it was me typing. I had a feeling that my boyfriend read the conversation so before he went back to work I asked him if anything was wrong and he said no. Should I confront him? Or ignore it? is this a warning sign of something I should watch out for in the future? should I even be upset? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 I don't know that you need to make this a huge deal, but you should definitely talk to him about it. He knows what he did...obviously he wants you to move in with him, so he probably was a little upset when he saw the chat and did a dumb thing. Tell him you saw that he had replied to your friend and that you understand how he might have reacted badly to it. Reassure him that you want to move in with him, and tell him to please not read your personal chats/mail in the future as that upsets you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 IMO, that was way out of line. To read it is one thing, but to respond as you, especially in such a vile way is another. I would be very angry because of the lack of respect of my privacy!! I don't want to tell you to break up with him, but I would definately let him know it is not ok for him to invade your privacy and imperonate you to anyone! It just isn't respectful at all!! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Should I confront him? Or ignore it? is this a warning sign of something I should watch out for in the future? should I even be upset? Oh gosh.. what an ass.. You need to confront him.. This has more sides than one on your part.. Not only did he show you a totally lack of respect with the issue of privacy..( Although even I might have been tempted to at least peek at the chat window ). But he was totally disrespectful to one of your friends.. and disrespected you further letting your friend believe it was you doing the chatting.. Not only is this behavior a glimpse into your future I personally believe this is a deal breaker and you should seriously consider the option of breaking up with the guy. Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Was moving to New Jersey something your friend suggested out of the blue? Or did the conversation between you and your friend on the IM suggest that you were considering moving to new jersey instead of moving in with your boyfriend? The IM window could have been opened inadvertently by your boyf, and I can see how he might have got mad if your convo suggested you were thinking of moving to New Jersey instead when he was under the impression you were moving in with him. It depends on the context of the message. However, its a pretty immature thing for him to do without talking to you no matter what the situation, he should have simply closed the window and asked you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 I don't really think the issue is that he read your personal conversation with your friend. Hell I've read things my SO has written and he has read mine. It is that he disrespected you by insulting your friend and making your friend think it was you. Didn't he realize this could have seriously damaged your friendship? He sounds very young and immature. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidal Posted June 15, 2006 Author Share Posted June 15, 2006 i admittedly left the window open because i knew that i had nothing to hide. And i figured that if he was upset by anything then we could discuss it. my boyfriend and i are on shaky ground as it is. i haven't felt 100% about moving in with him and took a while to decide if i should move to mn with him or move to nj with my friends. i told him two weeks ago that i would move to mn. in the past, he has tended to keep to himself when he is upset about something, so i'm not sure how successful confronting him on this will be. i am extremely upset about this and feel that this close to the breaking point for me. i just want to make sure that i'm not overreacting. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 i admittedly left the window open because i knew that i had nothing to hide. And i figured that if he was upset by anything then we could discuss it. my boyfriend and i are on shaky ground as it is. i haven't felt 100% about moving in with him and took a while to decide if i should move to mn with him or move to nj with my friends. i told him two weeks ago that i would move to mn. in the past, he has tended to keep to himself when he is upset about something, so i'm not sure how successful confronting him on this will be. i am extremely upset about this and feel that this close to the breaking point for me. i just want to make sure that i'm not overreacting. I just hope this kind of behavior doesn't keep up once you move in with him or you are really headed for trouble!! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 I don't really think the issue is that he read your personal conversation with your friend. Hell I've read things my SO has written and he has read mine. It is that he disrespected you by insulting your friend and making your friend think it was you. Didn't he realize this could have seriously damaged your friendship? He sounds very young and immature. Word.. I agree Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Disrespect, bottom line. I wouldn't stand for that, and you shouldn't either. He could have jeapordized your friendship with this person, just because he wanted to put his two cents in. Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 Well, that's gotta be one of the most immature things that a guy did on this board yet! It's one of those things that you read about and you just have to chuckle because it's soooooo STOOOOOOPID! lol. Although if it was one of my friends, and my hubby did that, they would know instantly it was not me and ask who the hell it was that typed that in. But I understand why you're feeling the way you do. Trust those instincts you have. Yes, you have the right to be angry about it and yes, you really should reconsider moving in with this guy. He may hold the attitude that it's his computer, and he's entitled to do whatever he wants with it, even pose as if he was you. At the very least, he should have stated "Hi, I'm Tidal's boyfriend...." then state his opinion if he felt he needed to. Don't move in with him unless you guys can get past this. And yes, I think your friend is right about there being more job opportunities on the east coast than in Minnesota. Don't get me wrong, I liked Minnesota but I think that's cause I was staying in Minneapolis....and it wasn't wintertime. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Seriously reconsider this relationship. Your bf figures he has the right to do things that affect your life without your prior knowledge or agreement and without regard for the ethical implications of his actions. If ANY woman did that to me she would be history immediately. Any excuses that she could come up with would only serve to illustrate how f*cked up she is to do something like that. Please have a good look at your bf's behavior because once you are living together his bad points are only going to be "enhanced." Art_Critic, I couldn't agree more with you. Not only is this behavior a glimpse into your future I personally believe this is a deal breaker and you should seriously consider the option of breaking up with the guy. Link to post Share on other sites
RarePearl Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 It's not something you should ignore. If you talked to some guy and he stated he wanted to sleep with you then your BF wrote him to back off, it would've been cute maybe, but this is complately wrong. 1. He is trying to control your life; 2. He knew that you would eventualy find out about this and still didn't care, because he thinks he has the right to make decisions FOR YOU; 3. He is rude and arogant; 4. He hid behind your identity to get what he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidal Posted June 19, 2006 Author Share Posted June 19, 2006 I did confront him on the issue. I explained that it upset me that someone who loves me so much would be so rude to one of my friends. His explanation was that it bothered him that I wasn't talking to him about the issue. He simply asked that I talk to him about more things in the future. Nevertheless, when I left mn on Saturday I told him that I wasn't sure I was coming back. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 I did confront him on the issue. I explained that it upset me that someone who loves me so much would be so rude to one of my friends. His explanation was that it bothered him that I wasn't talking to him about the issue. He simply asked that I talk to him about more things in the future. Nevertheless, when I left mn on Saturday I told him that I wasn't sure I was coming back. Hmm.. that isn't a reason to do what he did, that is just him bitching and complaining. You are able to make your own decisions about where you will live. He should know that what he did will only make you see him for his true colors, not convince you to move in with him. I realy hope you reconsider all this! Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 You have a right to talk to whoever you want to talk to about whatever, especially your friends!! He IS very controlling. He's also hypocritical. He expects you to talk about things with him, yet he did what he did because it bothered him, got off the computer, and didn't bother to discuss this with YOU either!! It works both ways! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 His explanation was that it bothered him that I wasn't talking to him about the issue. He is blaming you for him doing what he did ??? what an idiot .. he should have begged for your forgiveness.. PERIOD Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 His reaction alone tells me he's not ready for a serious relationship. If he handles "small" conflicts this poorly, how is he going to handle the big ones, which are guaranteed to follow? I think your gut is right...it always is, isn't it? We need to learn to trust our gut instincts more as women. Sounds like you're thinking clearly and with your head on straight. I believe you will make the best decision for yourself. *hugs* sorry it sucks so much. Link to post Share on other sites
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