Just Venting about FWB

[Guest]

Yeah, so I don't really need advice, I just need to vent and figure that telling my story to people I don't know is the best route. I warn all you readers that this is gonna be long and want to say sorry in advance.

 

So, I have a FWB. I'll call him 'Joe'. I was just friends with Joe for almost 3 years before anything at all happened. We met through a mutual friend and became close friends fast because we are very similar. We hung out often and usually it was just the two of us. We have an amazing connection and I admit there's always been some sort of tension (sexual tension maybe?) between us. We have great talks and really connect on a mental level, too. We can talk about anything, even discussing our views on marriage and raising children at one point. He's met my family and stayed the weekend at my house several times and I've been introduced to his family too. Most people who first meet us together think that we're dating. The girls on my dorm floor believed we were together for the longest time until they finally asked me (of course that didn't stop them from telling him what they had thought when they saw us together a week later- man he turned so red lol).

 

Anyway, so a couple months ago he got really drunk and IM'd me. He said that he'd called several times and even came looking for me and was kinda surprised/upset to hear that I'd been hanging out with this guy we met a week before ("Tim"). He wanted all the details of my night w/ Tim, esp. b/c Tim obviously has the hots for me, though Joe knows I only want to be friends w/ Tim. Joe then told me about a girl that's apparently liked him for a while but that he'd only first noticed her when she pulled him into the bathroom to "give him head...it was great, very unexpected" (he was at a party and yes he told me this and yes those were his exact words though he said it was a mistake, but felt bad that he just left after b/c he didn't want to go any further w/ her).

So what does he say next? He says that unless I find a decent guy 'soon' that he promises he'll proposition me, that he'll be 'forced to'. He said that he needs to get me w/ some nice guy, not a sleazeball like most of his friends b/c he wants me to 'get some; not sex, but some' and that I deserve to have 'some fun'. He'd been thinking about it since he found out about 6 months before just how sexually inexperienced I really was. He said that he doesn't want a relationship right now b/c he doesn't have time, which is true, but that 'if we keep things purely sexual, we can still be good friends'. He knew I was a virgin and said we'd only go as far as I wanted, worrying that I'd get attached and didn't want to hurt me, but I told him not to worry about that. So, absolutely nothing about our friendship has changed except we now also have sex (yep, we went all the way) and it's never been awkward. There's no real intimacy and we don't make out or kiss much, but we do everything else.

When I told my best friend about this, she asked 'why aren't you guys just dating then; it'd really only be a change in title'. I had no real answer!! So yeah, now I can't stop thinking about it b/c I think my friend is right and I can def. see myself in a relationship w/ Joe. I'd tell him but I don't want to ruin a good thing, I don't know how he really feels, and I'm a coward. I'm not sure how I really feel about Joe, but I can definitely handle being just friends/FWB with him as I'm not counting on a real relationship developing from our arrangement.

 

If you made it this far, you're an angel and thanks!! So, anyone been in this situation before or know someone who has and what was the outcome?

[notmakingsense]

It depends on whether or not you believe he doesn't want a relationship because he is too busy, or because he wants to keep his options open. If it is the latter - I'd stay away from the FWB thing, because you'll eventually get hurt when he meets someone else.

 

But... you have known him a long time -- so you probably have a pretty good idea about whether or not he will only have eyes for you.

[Guest]

notmakingsense- thanks for the reply...He's truly busy finishing writing a thesis and he works at his job everyday from early afternoon to close. That's why he says he's too busy for a relationship. That may be just a very convenient excuse, but he's never given me a reason to doubt him.

[norajane]

he wants me to 'get some; not sex, but some' and that I deserve to have 'some fun'. He'd been thinking about it since he found out about 6 months before just how sexually inexperienced I really was. He said that he doesn't want a relationship right now b/c he doesn't have time, which is true, but that 'if we keep things purely sexual, we can still be good friends'.

 

He knew I was a virgin and said we'd only go as far as I wanted, worrying that I'd get attached and didn't want to hurt me, but I told him not to worry about that. So, absolutely nothing about our friendship has changed except we now also have sex (yep, we went all the way) and it's never been awkward. There's no real intimacy and we don't make out or kiss much, but we do everything else.

So that's what he thinks. What do you think? Do you want 'some fun' and to 'get some' or do you want a relationship with someone who is into you? Do you want to be in a purely sexual arrangement, or do you want the intimacy too? Are you satisfied or do you feel something's missing? Do you want the kisses and holding hands and affection? How do you feel about him seeing other people (if he isn't now, he probably will be one day...do you think you could handle it? Do you think you could handle it 6 months from now if you continue your FWB arrangement that long, or would you grow more and more attached to this relationship so it would really hurt to see him with someone else?

 

I can't stop thinking about it b/c I think my friend is right and I can def. see myself in a relationship w/ Joe.

Time to get out of the FWB arrangement. If you are starting to see yourself in a relationship with him, you are already past the point where FWB starts to turn ugly...as in, you wanting more and he not being able to give it.

[IrishCarBomb]

Too bad you have developed feelings for him. This guy actually is a self centered egomaniac. But that's also how you can hook him if you want.

 

Personally, I would say he's a loser and ditch him. He thinks he's a ladies man and wants to be able to persue other girls without any guilt about you (because you're "just friends").

 

BUT... to get him you should do the same. Don't sleep with anyone else... but start flirting and show interest with other guys. He'll get unjustifiably jealous (He can't justify his jealousy... you two have no committment to each other). To which you can say you need a relationship to be fulfilled.

 

If he gets upset, dump him. You'll be better off. Trust me.

[Guest]

I've already said that I'm still trying to figure out my feelings for him- we've been friends for so long that I don't want to mix them up. Honestly, I never even thought about being in a relationship with him until my friend mentioned it; I've always seen him as just a friend, nothing more. I really am satisfied with the way things are now. Right now, friendship and sex with no strings attached is good because I'm not actively looking for a relationship since I just graduated college and want to get my life/career together first. All I'm saying is that I'm not opposed to being in a relationship with him (or anyone, for that matter), but I'm not counting on that happening.

 

IrishCarBomb- Why do you think he's a self-centered egomaniac and a ladies man? I've been close friends with him for 3 years now and can tell you honestly that he's not. It might seem that way from what I wrote, but it would have taken too much space and time to give you every single detail that would prove otherwise. Also, he's not pursuing other girls and we are just friends. I know you're just stating your opinion, which I thank you for, but I have to respectfully disagree with your assessment of him.

[norajane]

All I'm saying is that I'm not opposed to being in a relationship with him (or anyone, for that matter), but I'm not counting on that happening.

 

This is where FWB gets tricky. If you are open to more, but he is not, you might wake up one day and realize you've allowed yourself to be emotional or are longing for more and he did not and is not.

[Mary3]

You will never have a * true relationship * because you gave up the goods and now wonder if you can get him to commit ?

 

I don't think so.

 

He played you.

 

He wanted just sex . He got it.

 

That means he is saying " I want you for sex but I don't want a complicated relationship "

 

Your first mistake was agreeing to the sex.

 

He will never give you what you want. He will only fulfill your sexual needs.

 

The truth : A man will WAIT if he wants YOU not just your sex.

 

Now this is fine if this is what you want. No strings sex.

 

The biggest problem with FWB is that you develop feelings for the man having sex with you.

 

You can't erase this. You can't cut him off . ( Well, you can but not for the results you are looking for )

 

I would stop seeing him because you might just get hurt. ( more )

 

FWB's take alot of strategy and strength.

[Guest]

If he wanted just sex from me, then why did he wait 5 or 6 months (at least) to say something? Further, it only came about because he let it slip while he was drunk; trust me, if he hadn't been drunk he never would've asked about being FWB. When we were talking about sex months before our FWB started, he asked if I would prefer to be with someone who was just as inexperienced as I was and I told him no, it didn't matter. He had a perfect opportunity then to ask about being FWB, so why didn't he say anything further (we were both single at the time)?

[Mary3]

If he wanted just sex from me, then why did he wait 5 or 6 months (at least) to say something? Further, it only came about because he let it slip while he was drunk; trust me, if he hadn't been drunk he never would've asked about being FWB. When we were talking about sex months before our FWB started, he asked if I would prefer to be with someone who was just as inexperienced as I was and I told him no, it didn't matter. He had a perfect opportunity then to ask about being FWB, so why didn't he say anything further (we were both single at the time)?

On one hand you say you can *see yourself in a relationship with Joe* and then other the other hand you are *not counting on a real relationship with Joe.*

 

Apparently this FWB seems to be working for you.

 

For some its easy and for others a NO CAN DO situation.

 

He has recently ( outwardly) become interested in you in a sexual way when he discovered you had little experience and he deemed himself the knight that would make sure you * got some sex *

 

If this is working for you then thats great .

 

Are you worried you might develop an intimate bond and stronger feelings by exploring the sexual arena of this man ?

[Guest]

This FWB is definitely working for me/us right now because at the moment neither of us are looking for or have time for a relationship. Our sexual relationship is completely dependent upon me- he'll only go as far as I want and he's never pushed.

 

I'm not really worried about developing an intimate bond and stronger feelings for him by exploring the sexual arena of this man. I'm more concerned about what will happen in September when he's finished his thesis. As it is, we live about an hour and ten minutes apart and he doesn't know where he'll be in Sept., so he could be even further away then. Also, I know that he doesn't want a relationship right now, but what about in Sept. when he has more time for one? I guess it's the uncertainty of the future and uncertainty of his true feelings for me that has me worried and questioning. He's never said that he *doesn't* want to date me, but he's never said that he *does* want to, either.

 

We've both been single since we met about 3 years ago. He was in a serious relationship about 4 years ago and about 4-5 months before we met, his g/f broke up with him. He loved her and was very upset when she broke it off and so things ended badly between him and his ex. Could he simply be afraid of commitment because of this and just doesn't want to potentially ruin our close friendship by taking it to the next level (a relationship)?

[brunette_barbie]

This FWB is definitely working for me/us right now because at the moment neither of us are looking for or have time for a relationship. Our sexual relationship is completely dependent upon me- he'll only go as far as I want and he's never pushed.

 

I'm not really worried about developing an intimate bond and stronger feelings for him by exploring the sexual arena of this man. I'm more concerned about what will happen in September when he's finished his thesis. As it is, we live about an hour and ten minutes apart and he doesn't know where he'll be in Sept., so he could be even further away then. Also, I know that he doesn't want a relationship right now, but what about in Sept. when he has more time for one? I guess it's the uncertainty of the future and uncertainty of his true feelings for me that has me worried and questioning. He's never said that he *doesn't* want to date me, but he's never said that he *does* want to, either.

 

We've both been single since we met about 3 years ago. He was in a serious relationship about 4 years ago and about 4-5 months before we met, his g/f broke up with him. He loved her and was very upset when she broke it off and so things ended badly between him and his ex. Could he simply be afraid of commitment because of this and just doesn't want to potentially ruin our close friendship by taking it to the next level (a relationship)?

 

On the 24th of this month, it will be my 1 year anniversary with my f buddy. It almost started out as a one night stand, since I slept with him the first night, but he ended up calling me the next day to go on a date. Ever since then we've had an ongoing sexual relationship pretty much every week and weekend for a year. We've had that discussion about taking it to the next level, but at the time we had just broken up with our ex's so we didn't really want anything serious. Sometimes I wish we could someday end up as bf/gf, but I'm still not sure. He knows I talk to other guys, and I know that he talks to other girls. Although we sometimes get jealous of that fact. I really care about him and I know he realizes it, especially since I helped him look for his cat at 3 am in the morning!

But like I said, I'm still unsure of what the future holds for us.

[norajane]

This FWB is definitely working for me/us right now because at the moment neither of us are looking for or have time for a relationship. Our sexual relationship is completely dependent upon me- he'll only go as far as I want and he's never pushed.

 

I'm not really worried about developing an intimate bond and stronger feelings for him by exploring the sexual arena of this man. I'm more concerned about what will happen in September when he's finished his thesis. As it is, we live about an hour and ten minutes apart and he doesn't know where he'll be in Sept., so he could be even further away then. Also, I know that he doesn't want a relationship right now, but what about in Sept. when he has more time for one? I guess it's the uncertainty of the future and uncertainty of his true feelings for me that has me worried and questioning. He's never said that he *doesn't* want to date me, but he's never said that he *does* want to, either.

 

We've both been single since we met about 3 years ago. He was in a serious relationship about 4 years ago and about 4-5 months before we met, his g/f broke up with him. He loved her and was very upset when she broke it off and so things ended badly between him and his ex. Could he simply be afraid of commitment because of this and just doesn't want to potentially ruin our close friendship by taking it to the next level (a relationship)?

This is why I see you getting into trouble with this FWB situation. You are already wondering about the future, wondering if he has commitment problems, wondering if you'll still see each other after September, wondering if he might want to date you in the future, wondering about his true feelings for you...you've already developed a bond, you've already developed feelings...those will only grow stronger the longer you have this relationship, as will your questions and your wondering.

 

What if you discovered that he sees other women? Maybe he has no time for a relationship, but maybe he does meet other women and has sex with them. Does that thought bother you? Do you feel slightly jealous? Would you wonder if maybe he'll meet someone who sweeps him off his fee and he drops your FWB arrangement? Would that upset you? Would it upset you in September?

[crazy_grl]

I'm confused. What exactly don't you two have time for? Isn't a relationship spending time together and getting physical with each other? You already do both right? So if you two were to officially decide you were in a relationship why would that have to take up more time??

 

The only thing that seems like it should change is that you both have the security of knowing that you have feelings for each other and that you don't want to be out looking for other people to bang. To me this "I don't have time" thing is just an excuse to either keep his/your options open or to hide his/your true feelings from the other person so as not to risk rocking the boat.

 

I think you need to talk to him about how you really feel and your concerns and see how he really feels, and you both need to stop using this "I don't have time" excuse.

[Mary3]

This FWB is definitely working for me/us right now because at the moment neither of us are looking for or have time for a relationship. Our sexual relationship is completely dependent upon me- he'll only go as far as I want and he's never pushed.

 

I'm not really worried about developing an intimate bond and stronger feelings for him by exploring the sexual arena of this man. I'm more concerned about what will happen in September when he's finished his thesis. As it is, we live about an hour and ten minutes apart and he doesn't know where he'll be in Sept., so he could be even further away then. Also, I know that he doesn't want a relationship right now, but what about in Sept. when he has more time for one? I guess it's the uncertainty of the future and uncertainty of his true feelings for me that has me worried and questioning. He's never said that he *doesn't* want to date me, but he's never said that he *does* want to, either.

 

We've both been single since we met about 3 years ago. He was in a serious relationship about 4 years ago and about 4-5 months before we met, his g/f broke up with him. He loved her and was very upset when she broke it off and so things ended badly between him and his ex. Could he simply be afraid of commitment because of this and just doesn't want to potentially ruin our close friendship by taking it to the next level (a relationship)?

Yes................