arkitip Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 I've been going out with a girl for a few months now and we care for each other a lot. You know, I love you, etc etc. And I really do care for her and mean it when I say it. Anyway, yesterday I was browsing around websites like facebook/myspace and I look at my girlfriends page and there's a comment from this guy M. Let me give you a little backstory on M and my girlfriend, they're really close. I asked her a little while ago if they ever went out, because I was curious. She said "No, we were interested in each other but decided to just remain friends." This all happened before I really knew my girlfriend. So I'm reading her facebook and she wrote on M's wall "Are we still on for the 26th?" and he writes back "of course, unless you can't make it." Needless to say, I'm curious as to what they're doing the 26th. So I ask her about it and she says "oh we're going somewhere" (note- I ask her over instant messenger). So then I ask where and she says "oh I don't know yet, some secret spot of M's" I'm asking her this in the most polite way as well because I don't want to seem like some lame, nosy boyfriend. I guess what I'm asking here is for some guidance or input in the situation. I have this little feeling that M doesn't just want to be friends with her and in fact still likes her very much. To add onto the whole facebook thing, they write on their walls occasionally things like "quick get on AIM we have to talk" or other things like that which certainly adds to the idea that perhaps she talks about things with him she doesn't talk to me about. I think I'm just being too paranoid but what do you guys think? I trust my girlfriend but it still doesn't get rid of that awful nagging feeling. Am I just stupid to be uncomfortable with the fact that she's going off alone with some other guy who previously (and still may) have feelings for her? Link to post Share on other sites
Guitar Wizard Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 Secrets don't help a relationship in the least. If she had nothing to hide, then you wouldn't be in the dark right now. Therefore, there is obviously SOMETHING going on, perhaps not as dramatic as our minds tend to play them out to be, but it's worth looking into. You could tell her if she doesn't start being honest with you, your out. Some girls will take advantage of the first signs of weakness, so you have to act as though if she doesn't play her cards right you'll ditch and find some other chick who will be honest with you. Of course, there are nice ways to say "Spill it bitch or Im out". Such as... "Honey, im quite concerned about our relationship because I don’t think your being totally honest with me. Don’t get me wrong, I trust you, I just don’t trust this guy. I care for you, I really do, but if you continue to keep me in the dark then Im afraid I can’t be with you anymore. All I want is the truth, I deserve no less." So, tell her how you feel and come back with her reaction. Don't falter eather, your a male, you have balls. Use them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author arkitip Posted June 16, 2006 Author Share Posted June 16, 2006 Here's something else I should probably say though it may or may not be important. I'm friends with M, pretty good friends actually. Perhaps that changes the situation. Her not telling me about it, does it really signal something you think? Could it be that she was trying to hide it? Or more that she thought it was unimporantant because she figures it's just two friends getting together. I mean, the 26th is over a week away, perhaps she would've told me next week or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Bullgator Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 Sounds to me like there's more than a Platonic relationship there. I'm not saying they are secret lovers, but it sounds like they are both emotionally involved with each other to some degree. It's hard to know exactly why she kept it from you. It's possible that he's really not that important to her, but because you two are friends she didn't mention it in order to avoid potential conflict. But it's also possible that there is a part of her who depends on this guy to meet some emotional need, and if so, that's a part of her that won't belong to you as long as this keeps going on. JMHO Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 From talking to other friends of mine, I kinda think I'm being to paranoid and too worried about this. I should trust her (which I do) and just let her be. I agree with your platonic relationship idea, Bullgator. I think that's probably more where it is, but I'm just a paranoid twit. I guess this being my first real girlfriend might have something to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author arkitip Posted June 16, 2006 Author Share Posted June 16, 2006 From talking to other friends of mine, I kinda think I'm being to paranoid and too worried about this. I should trust her (which I do) and just let her be. I agree with your platonic relationship idea, Bullgator. Your idea that she depends on him seems quite realistic as well. Assuming that's true, what do I do now? Anything? Should I mention that I'm concerned that she doesn't tell me everything, or something to that effect? Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 Secrets don't make friends, and I can certainly understand why they're adding to your feelings of being uncomfortable. I wouldn't be too comfortable with the idea of my boyfriend going out alone with a girl that he used to date or have feelings for. And since I respect him so much, I wouldn't ever go out with a guy, alone, that I had dated or had feelings for in the past either. I've got a few guy friends that I used to "talk to", that I am still friends with, and I would never be around them without him being there. I think you need to talk to her and tell her that it makes you a little uncomfortable. If she doesn't understand, then I would say she has little or no respect for your feelings, and isn't taking the relationship as seriously as you. I don't understand why she wouldn't atleast be willing to talk to you about it, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author arkitip Posted June 16, 2006 Author Share Posted June 16, 2006 I don't understand why she wouldn't atleast be willing to talk to you about it, though. It might be because I've never brought it up, so she thinks it's a non-issue. It's just I don't want to come off as a jealous paranoid guy because then she might think that I don't trust her. I DO trust her, I just feel uncomfortable about this whole deal. Might anyone have any tips as to what I could say to her? Any other advice is great, I really appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 It might be because I've never brought it up, so she thinks it's a non-issue. It's just I don't want to come off as a jealous paranoid guy because then she might think that I don't trust her. I DO trust her, I just feel uncomfortable about this whole deal. Might anyone have any tips as to what I could say to her? Any other advice is great, I really appreciate it. Tell her that you're not worried she's going to do anything... just that it makes you uncomfortable that she doesn't really seem willing to talk to you about it, like she's trying to hide details from you. I don't think there's any way around this, except for the pure, honest, truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author arkitip Posted June 16, 2006 Author Share Posted June 16, 2006 just that it makes you uncomfortable that she doesn't really seem willing to talk to you about it, like she's trying to hide details from you. While it does make me uncomfortable, I've never voiced any of this so maybe that's why she hasn't brought it up? Though I suppose it would've been for the best had she just told me from the get-go and not had to have me basically "stumble" upon it. Not saying anything probably isn't the way to go though, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 If the roles were reversed, do you think your girlfriend would be so accepting as you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author arkitip Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 Hah, that's a very good way to put it. I really do trust her though and by bringing it up it makes it seem like I don't, or at least to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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