My next chapter is about to begin

[dgiirl]

I've been paranoid about posting this, scared I'm giving away too much personal info and people might start to recognize me, but the regulars here have always been great support and have been asking me how things are going.

 

Things were going pretty well but I have a feeling my new flame is starting to develop feelings for two people and I dont want to compete so I'm backing away. It was great while it lasted and it gave me some new confidence, but at the same time made me very insecure and jealous and brought up a lot of post-divorce emotions.

 

I'm glad to say tho that I've been blessed with a lot of guy's attention lately. I just wish I could return the feelings with at least one of those who are crazy about me. I'm feeling a little down and insecure today, feeling that I'll be single forever, that I have nothing to offer a real relationship, that even if I some how end up in one, I'll ruin it quickly But I know if I focus my attention properly, life is pretty darn great otherwise! As we all know, it's what you focus on that determines your mood, so I'm going back to being a happy single person

[Gunny376]

But I know if I focus my attention properly, life is pretty darn great otherwise! As we all know, it's what you focus on that determines your mood, so I'm going back to being a happy single person

 

"Most people are about as happy as the make their minds up to be." {Abe Lincoln}

 

I made my mind up long ago that my personal happines was my responsibilty and no one else's. Weather I'm in a relationship or not, I'm the one that's responsible for my state of mind, my personal happiness, and for getting up off my azz and getting out in the world each day and rubbbing a little sunshine on my face.

 

You've got zero chance living with someone else, until you learn to be happy with just living with yourself. Afterall? If you don't like yourself and don't like living with yourself ~ why should you expect someone else to do so?

 

There are some good articles that thanks to Somedude, we've came across here at LS. I'd recommend them.

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html

[Ladyjane14]

What Gunny said.

 

There was another thread on here the other day from a woman who thought she might want a divorce, but was afraid she'd end up old and alone. What Gunny said to her is pretty much the same thought I'd had when I first looked at her post....

 

'There are no guarantees. You could have a loving and fulfilling relationship lasting more than forty years.. and STILL end up alone.'

 

Life is all about risks, honey. We risk it all just crossing the street for bagel and coffee. Relationships aren't any safer, not for anyone.

 

I think sometimes you just have to accept that you WILL eventually get your feelings hurt if you get close enough to another person. It's just like "death and taxes".

These things happen, and nothing we do will stop them.

[dgiirl]

I agree wholeheartedly about taking responsibility for my own happiness. And I feel I've done pretty well in that department with the few exceptions. Atleast I bounce back easily nowadays.

 

But I still fear getting hurt again. It's a lot less stress remaining single than working towards a relationship.

[dgiirl]

I'm just going to ramble my thoughts for today so that I can look back on this in the future. I came to the realization that every time a guy gets close to me, I pull away in fear. Then when the guy pulls away, I get upset and disappointed. At times, I find myself rushing things in my head/emotions instead of taking my time, trying to get back to where I was in life, in a "relationship". But where I was, was NOT a good place to be. I wasnt happy! Yet I'm rushing to get back there. Why? I was nervous, anxious, depressed, insecure and unhappy when I was in a relationship. I was stressed beyond belief constantly worried if I was good enough. And these are the same feelings that keep coming out whenever a guy gets too close to me. I dont like these feelings, yet I'm not sure how to overcome them, thus I prefer my life as a single person. I want to stop getting caught up in the rush of getting back "there". I want to so trying to label my "relationships" to soon. I just want to be completely happy and content with being single, because I truely am! Why am I rushing myself? I'm perplexed on this! Logically, I KNOW I'm happier now. I KNOW I have options and that life will always be good irregardless of what happens. So why do I feel this need to get back "there", the place I was the least happiest?

[Gunny376]

I was tempted to go DI on you, but following in ilmw, Perry's, and Crumgendon's lead ~ I'd decided to go the gentlier route.

 

The answer is simple, ~ Stockholm Syndrone. As much as your former marriage~relationship sucked, it became your "comfort zone"

 

Your mission ~ should you decide to accept it is to create your own personal new comfort zone ~ alone, and single. Getting comfortable in your own skin, becoming complete and whole without a man, or another person to validate you and your own personal self worth. Staking a claim that you have as much a right to be here and to live this life as anyone. You want loyality, dedication, un-conditional love? Get a dog. You want drama, un-certainty, moodiness, your world turned up-side down? Get a man.

 

Come on Dgriil! You're one of the most balanced, intelligent, "common-sense" gals I've come acrossed. You've got your head and azz wired together. Your 2X6 (military term) and you've got your act together. You don't need a man to validate you! Its not what you've got to offer them ~ its what they've got to offer you? You've got your act together ~ quit doubting yourself!

 

Now get your azz out there and rub some sunshine on yourself, and put a smile on your face!

[PWSX3]

I don't know if this will help, but when I talk to my friends that are single & my best friend has been thru a few relationships but is still single the same thing I keep hearing is you miss the companionship.

 

My friend said before his last GF moved out that he knew it was over, but he was just holding on because of the companionship so if that is true then Gunny is right, you just get yourself a dog.

 

Just as Gunny has said; you do have your act together, you know you are happier now & you are learning how to make yourself that way.

 

I think you & I are a lot a like in some ways & we both want to get things done, we have a plan on how they should be done & we try to stick to that plan when maybe we need to slow down, take things as they come, so when they do change from how we feel they should be going then we wouldn't be disapointed. Again just my thoughts.

[sumdude]

dgiiil, you're a lot stronger than you think you are. There must be reasons you don't want to get too close to a certain someone. On the other hand a life wihout risks is a life of quiet desperation. Here's a line from one of my songs that I think about..

 

" and if you wake up lonely in the morning it seems that caution has a price that you pay "

[ilmw]

Hey Dgiirl...

 

All I can add is... yes.. you are much stronger than you think. You have also gained so much wisdom... in your trials and tribulations over the past couple of years. You understand what you will .. and will not put up with... Well you have a clue... right.

 

Just take your time in meeting new guys... take it at your pace. If they are not willing to do so... maybe they just aren't Dgiirl quality guys...

 

Remember... its like slipping into a hot bath... it can be hot and uncomfortable at first... but as you slowly ease your self in... at your comfort level... it can be an enjoyable experience... you jump into fast... you can get burnt...

 

(I use the bath analogy because I had one the other day ..for the first time in years... and I read in it for a couple of hours.......Nice!...came out rather rinkled...)

 

Girl...give yourself some credit... OK..!?

 

ilmw

[dgiirl]

Thanks Guys!! You've all given me a lot of things to think about.

 

I am still seeking outside validation. I'm still caught up in "plans" and disappointed when they dont come through. And I really like the bathtub analogy. It's interesting how you can SEE yourself doing destructive things, yet unable to stop yourself in the heat of the moment.

 

Now I need to get a wrinkled ilmw out of her head :love:

[Gunny376]

Thanks Guys!! You've all given me a lot of things to think about.

 

I am still seeking outside validation. I'm still caught up in "plans" and disappointed when they dont come through. And I really like the bathtub analogy. It's interesting how you can SEE yourself doing destructive things, yet unable to stop yourself in the heat of the moment.

 

Now I need to get a wrinkled ilmw out of her head :love:

 

You're validated (making the sign of the cross against the body) not get out there and kick some azz! ( "Golden Helmet" Notre Dame Blessing! )

[ilmw]

Thanks Guys!! You've all given me a lot of things to think about.

 

I am still seeking outside validation. I'm still caught up in "plans" and disappointed when they dont come through. And I really like the bathtub analogy. It's interesting how you can SEE yourself doing destructive things, yet unable to stop yourself in the heat of the moment.

 

Now I need to get a wrinkled ilmw out of her head :love:

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:........

 

I'm wrinkle free now.....

[CryingCanuck]

I really can't add anymore to what has already been posted Dgirl apart to reafirm to you just how far you've come since last year....

 

You're S T R O N G.... You're an honest caring person.. End of story.

 

NOW maybe it's time for you to truly start to believe it yourself. But I honestly think there is nothing wrong with wanting some things that you had before but maybe without the baggage.

 

We all want outside affirmation, hell if we depended on ourselves for that pat on the back all the time, we would be seeing Chiropractors for stiff necks, it's simply nice to have another person do it for us, or at least recognize it :-)

 

Guns AWESOME absolutely stunning reply to our lovely D.... Man if you aren't writing for Dr. Phil they have mised a truly wonderful thoughtful person. GET OUT OF BAMA move to the East side and sing that song "Movin on Up " :-).....

 

CC

[dgiirl]

/rant on

 

Why is life so unfair when it comes to dating? Over the past two years I've met such great guys. Guys who have a good job, who are smart, who are interesting, who are really fun to hang around, who seem to really like me and I think would like to date me, and who I think would treat me well, and yet I dont feel physically attracted to them. (Gosh, I would love to feel attracted to them!)

 

And on the other side, in the past two years, I've only felt semi-attracted to two guys. Guys who pursued me heavily at first, and then went cold. Guys who kept making plans with me to go out with them, kept calling me, and once I did agree to go out, they cancel last minute, or put me second priority. After the second/third time of rescheduling, I quit it with them too.

 

Two years of being single. Two years of not finding anyone compatible. I'm going to be an old maid who takes photos of her cats.

 

/rant off

 

Other than my love life, everything is great!

[Ladyjane14]

I'm going to be an old maid who takes photos of her cats.

 

:laugh: Too funny!

 

You're looking too hard, hon. Have you heard about women who have difficulty conceiving and then as soon as they adopt, they get pregnant???

 

I think maybe it's kind of like that.

 

Most likely, if you go out and get five more cats... you'll meet the love of your life within the year. And it'll turn out he's highly allergic to CATS!!!

[Gunny376]

:laugh: Too funny!

 

You're looking too hard, hon. Have you heard about women who have difficulty conceiving and then as soon as they adopt, they get pregnant???

 

I think maybe it's kind of like that.

 

Most likely, if you go out and get five more cats... you'll meet the love of your life within the year. And it'll turn out he's highly allergic to CATS!!!

 

This is true! As soon as you quit making something a priority in your life ~ it will manifest itself in your life!

[ilmw]

I'm going to be an old maid who takes photos of her cats.

 

 

:lmao::lmao:... I sure the will be very good photos too...

 

Sorry.. could not resist that...

 

Lj and Gunny sooooooooo....right... Its funny how it works that way... It, I think has a lot to do with an air of expectation... or neediness. You can want something so much.... but once it no longer becomes that important .. it is attainable.. ? Messed up eh?

 

I don't know how many times this has happened to me... and that includes relationships... I think I mentioned before... every LTR, I have been in.. the woman.. always... came checking me out.. 'contacting me' some time later... They had learned that the grass was not in fact greener... and the grass they had before (me)... although not perfect... was actually better than what they presently have or had...

 

I am a good catch... have always been a good catch... just never saw it. Now... my state of mind is such.. I can give and take.. I have found my centre... (well getting there)

 

I also know.. I do not need anyone... and that in itself... is one of the greatest.. abilities I have ever gained...

 

I still have a journey to finish... but I'm getting closer.. and that is awesome...

 

Dgiirl... stop needing..and you will find it... k :bunny:

[dgiirl]

Honestly, I'm less needy now then I have been in the past two years. I'm just getting tired of rejecting so many great men only because there is no chemistry on my side.

 

I know there is truth in what you guys are saying. It's happened to me in the past too. I'm not looking... ok, maybe i'm only looking with one eye, but definitely not both.

[ilmw]

Honestly, I'm less needy now then I have been in the past two years. I'm just getting tired of rejecting so many great men only because there is no chemistry on my side.

 

I know there is truth in what you guys are saying. It's happened to me in the past too. I'm not looking... ok, maybe i'm only looking with one eye, but definitely not both.

 

Hey Dgiirl,

 

Sorry I did not mean you are needy.. but maybe just projecting it...

 

As for rejecting men... you have set your limits.. boundaries.. You were badly burnt by someone who was supposed to love you... so.. you will not easily get attached again. Its protection for you.. well thats how I see it.

 

You will be fine... your a great lady... and you have a head on your shoulders... I'm sure when you least expect it... someone will come along.. and it will happen..

[Trimmer]

I'm not looking... ok, maybe i'm only looking with one eye, but definitely not both.

Hey, yeah, that's that guy thing - you know, when you're married and your not supposed to be looking, so you make sure that you don't move your head, and since you've got sunglasses on, if you strain your eye muscles just right, you can follow....

 

Oh - you were speaking metaphorically?

[dgiirl]

lol Trimmer.

 

ilmw, I understand And I think you are right in that with some guys, i'm probably projecting neediness. Something I know I have to work on. I probably did that with the last guy I was semi-interested in. Who knows. And I'm not doing it with the guys who I'm not interested in, hence their attraction to me. Life's cruel that way

[ilmw]

lol Trimmer.

 

ilmw, I understand And I think you are right in that with some guys, i'm probably projecting neediness. Something I know I have to work on. I probably did that with the last guy I was semi-interested in. Who knows. And I'm not doing it with the guys who I'm not interested in, hence their attraction to me. Life's cruel that way

 

Yeah... your right.. it's like some crazy dance... ..

[dgiirl]

It's been SO long since I had anything to post and now I feel very shy on posting this on such a public forum. I've revealed a lot about myself that it's probably easy to pinpoint who I am by anyone who knows me.

 

After swearing off men just a month ago, and truly truly meaning it. Out of nowhere, a friend of mine I've known for the last 10 months has taken initiative to get closer and tell me he likes me. Of course I did all the anxiety and nervousness and all that, and he patiently stood by me being very sweet and caring. Telling me he doesnt want to pressure me in any way and being very sincere about it too with his actions. Since my marriage, I've finally had my very first kiss. I feel like a little school girl all over again. Boy how different it is, and yet so unbelievably sweet.

 

I could go on and on about my worries and anxiety, but I've already done that and I'm trying to learn to just be in the present moment instead of worrying about tomorrow.

 

:bunny:

[ilmw]

It's been SO long since I had anything to post and now I feel very shy on posting this on such a public forum. I've revealed a lot about myself that it's probably easy to pinpoint who I am by anyone who knows me.

 

After swearing off men just a month ago, and truly truly meaning it. Out of nowhere, a friend of mine I've known for the last 10 months has taken initiative to get closer and tell me he likes me. Of course I did all the anxiety and nervousness and all that, and he patiently stood by me being very sweet and caring. Telling me he doesnt want to pressure me in any way and being very sincere about it too with his actions. Since my marriage, I've finally had my very first kiss. I feel like a little school girl all over again. Boy how different it is, and yet so unbelievably sweet.

 

I could go on and on about my worries and anxiety, but I've already done that and I'm trying to learn to just be in the present moment instead of worrying about tomorrow.

 

:bunny:

 

AWESOME!!!! I'm so happy for you...

[dgiirl]

AWESOME!!!! I'm so happy for you...

 

Thank you This is so darn scary, but I'm really smitten with him. And he treats me REALLY well. I've never had a guy treat me so much like a lady. And also confide in me and make me feel useful, wanted and desired. I know it's still early and we're still in the good behavior stage, but even then, he's done so much for me that no other guy has ever done. I cried the other night because I feel so lucky to have this experience happen to me. I dont think he truly understands how well he's treating me and what it means to me after everything I've gone through. :love: