pot smoking husband

[wizedup]

I'm newly separated from my husband because of his pot addiction, dependence, abuse - whatever you want to call it. I finally woke up when my 13 yr old daughter found his bag and he did nothing (except say "sorry, didn't mean for that to happen") In fact, he continued to smoke it in weeks to follow. For years, I've begged him, pleaded with him, got angry with him to stop...but for the past year or so, I simply gave up. Figured it's his life, his body, etc. I was in denial..thinking all was ok and I didn't mind his lifestyle..but in reality I hated it.

He flip flops between being so sorry for all this, says he's stopped forever, wants me back, etc....to being distant, not speaking to me, etc. His mood swings freak me out.

The problem is that I have not spoken to the kids (also have a 9 yr old son) about this at all or why their father moved out. He wanted me to let him tell him with his counselor. 2nd problem - that's not happening. I think he's stalling....typical procrastinating...as usual his actions don't match his words.

What should I do?

[basscatcher]

I personally would put up with someone for long who uses any kind of illegal substance such as 'weed'. My XH lied to me for 11 1/2 years. I was naive and didn't recognize the 'signs' of his use. I only suspected and everyone lied for him.

He knew I would leave him if I found out for a fact.

Drug use is the one thing I have no tolerance for.

I have witnessed and heard to many bad things happening from it.

Even infrequent-casual use annoys me.

 

There are just some things that I wont, can't and don't deal well with and drugs is one of them.

 

It's one of my very stubborn areas I refuse to change or see a different view point on. I am adamant about my beliefs and tolerance of it.

[hyakku]

Or maybe you should accept it as something he wants to do. Coffee is more deadly, do you complain when he does that? Why are you going to condemn him for that if its not ruining your marriage? Its your choice, but maybe you should maybe easy your grip and try to work something out.

[basscatcher]

hyakku

His mood swings freak me out.

 

This is one of the reasons I couldn't and wont deal with it.. NO frickin way.

Life has enough shyt I don't need more enduced by some dude who needs to get stoned because he can't feel good being normal.

[Art_Critic]

Why are you going to condemn him for that if its not ruining your marriage?

 

She just posted that it was ruining her marriage..

 

This is one of the things that drug/alcohol abuse causes in relationships.. The destruction of it..

 

Hyakku.. I understand your only 15 years old.. way to young to know the ramifications of drug abuse on a marriage or a relationship.

I suspect that one day a woman that is in love with you may one day be in the OP's shoes.. how sad

[Buttaflyy]

I guess the bottom line here is that you find it to be unnacceptable. Some people may not. Some folks view weed as something that is not a big deal. I happen to be one of them. My SO smokes, and happens to be the first person I've ever tolerated it from. I've dumped men for this habit before because I didn't like who they were after they smoked. To me, they weren't "functional" smokers I guess. I've smoked it before myself and quit in my teenage years. Anywho, as long as he doesn't do it around me or the kids it doesn't bother me.

[hyakku]

She just posted that it was ruining her marriage..

 

This is one of the things that drug/alcohol abuse causes in relationships.. The destruction of it..

 

Hyakku.. I understand your only 15 years old.. way to young to know the ramifications of drug abuse on a marriage or a relationship.

I suspect that one day a woman that is in love with you may one day be in the OP's shoes.. how sad

 

You were an alcoholic, not a marijuana user, they are totally different things.

 

People use anything they can as an excuse for why something isn't working out for them. This marijuana use doesn't cause him to go into violent spouts, it sedates and relaxes people, not infuriates them, what's causing him to do that is his OWN feelings. She needs to recognize this instead of blaming a substance for these affects on her husband.

 

Now I have an example. A professor of mine's husband smoked when he was alive (he died, pretty tragic death) and was a wonderful husband. He supported his family, was a great and loving father and husband, and they generally got on well. Marijuana didn't cause him to have mood swings.

 

Its time to start recognizing the real reasons that your marriage is failing. Its not the drugs, its the people involved, thats what you need to work on, not blaming it on the drug, all that serves to do is put the true problem on the backburner for the time being.

[RarePearl]

Or maybe you should accept it as something he wants to do.

She doesn't want to accept it.

 

Coffee is more deadly, do you complain when he does that?

Are you out of your mind?!?!? Coffee is not harmful for healthy people, it's even recommended by doctors!

 

Why are you going to condemn him for that if its not ruining your marriage?

His life style HAS ruined their marriage big time.

 

Its your choice, but maybe you should maybe easy your grip and try to work something out.

Maybe you should listen more and advise less. You're a teenager and still need to learn a lot about life and responsibility.

[wizedup]

I appreciate all of your posts. I failed to mention in my OP that I have been with this man for 23 years - since I was 16 yrs old. And for 13 years I occassionally smoked it too. However, when my 2nd child was born, I realized it was not a responsible thing to be doing while raising kids. Therefore I quit. So for 10 years I've been by his side...figuring I married him this way...I knew what I was getting into....I made my bed, now lie in it. But all along hated him being stoned on a daily basis...forgetting conversations...jeoperdizing us by taking it on airplanes, cruise ships, in vehicles.... He also drank beer daily. (My father was an alcoholic and my brother a crack head....so you see, I know realize that living with my husband felt like home to me. It was comfortable...it was the only life I knew: chaotic and unpredictable)

BUT...when his world crashed with mine is such a way (my daughter finding his bag) and he did nothing, said nothing, no lightbulb went on... I knew I had to do something. How can you say to your kids "don't do drugs or drink alcohol" when it's something their father does on a daily basis. Hello?

A lot of resentment and anger has built up over the years...and I've tried to talk to him about it but he never listened or took me seriously. "I work hard and deserve a beer and a couple of hits after work" would be what I'd hear. Or "I like smoking it...what's wrong with having fun?"

All I can tell you is that I'm 100 times happier without this stoned/drunk fool and it's time I think about myself and the welfare of my kids instead of trying to enable him further.

[witabix]

I am very much with Pada on this.

 

Hyakku makes a few valid points as well though. His view should not be dismissed because he is 15.

 

It is possible to live with someone who does mj, if that is what you want. Stoners are a breed apart, IMO they are pretty boring unhappy people. The OP's problems are common amongst the non using SO's of heavy mj users.

 

Although there is a lot of talk of the relatively safe aspect of cannabis et al it is my oen pwersonal experience that stoners are at best barely functional, procrastinators and unreliable.

 

Perhaps as Hyakku points out the drug use itself is not the problem, it very well may be the personality type that desires such blind use of an external mood changing substance.

 

I, as Pada, have now laid out an almost zero tolerance on drug use. No one who requires to change their mood through substance use is a good candidate as a partner.

[Touche]

I am very much with Pada on this.

 

Hyakku makes a few valid points as well though. His view should not be dismissed because he is 15.

 

It is possible to live with someone who does mj, if that is what you want. Stoners are a breed apart, IMO they are pretty boring unhappy people. The OP's problems are common amongst the non using SO's of heavy mj users.

 

Although there is a lot of talk of the relatively safe aspect of cannabis et al it is my oen pwersonal experience that stoners are at best barely functional, procrastinators and unreliable.

 

Perhaps as Hyakku points out the drug use itself is not the problem, it very well may be the personality type that desires such blind use of an external mood changing substance.

 

I, as Pada, have now laid out an almost zero tolerance on drug use. No one who requires to change their mood through substance use is a good candidate as a partner.

 

 

What if it changes their mood for the better? Ha! Just kidding...but seriously, what about all those people who are taking prescription pills to help with their "mood" issues? How is that different. Why do people accept that? I mean one is legal and one isn't. Other than that, I see very little difference.

[amaysngrace]

The problem is that I have not spoken to the kids (also have a 9 yr old son) about this at all or why their father moved out. He wanted me to let him tell him with his counselor. 2nd problem - that's not happening. I think he's stalling....typical procrastinating...as usual his actions don't match his words.

What should I do?

 

I would definitely tell the children why you threw Daddy out! Don't sugar-coat it at all. They will realize the consequences of doing illegal drugs, why you won't tolerate it and will most likely think twice if they're approached by their peers down the road. It's their lives, too, and I firmly believe the honest, direct approach is best for their well-being.

 

It will also open up the board for them to express how they feel about all of this. And that will make the bond between you and them stronger, IMO

[Art_Critic]

All I can tell you is that I'm 100 times happier without this stoned/drunk fool and it's time I think about myself and the welfare of my kids instead of trying to enable him further.

 

^5 .. very good words coming from a strong woman.. keep up that thinking..

 

You might consider going to a few Alanon meetings to help you understand your enable aspects as well as being around people that are going thru the same thing can be real uplifting.

[Touche]

I wouldn't tell the kids. It's not fair to mess up the relationship he has with them. They'll find out one day on their own.

[amaysngrace]

I wouldn't tell the kids. It's not fair to mess up the relationship he has with them. They'll find out one day on their own.

 

When parents separate, the children's first response is thinking it's their fault. They need to know it isn't.

 

I left an abusive husband. My son (8) and daughter (7) both know why we left and I truly believe it's in their best interest to know the truth. It's a life-lesson on right from wrong. JMO

[Art_Critic]

When parents separate, the children's first response is thinking it's their fault. They need to know it isn't.

 

True.. but they need to get a watered down version appropriate to their age

 

A 6 year old can't comprehend issues like drugs or abuse..

So you tell the 6 year old that mommy and daddy no longer love each other but they will always love you..

The 16 year old can comprehend drugs/abuse or whatever and you can tell them a bigger piece of the truth..

 

But.. the truth needs to be told as to not drive a wedge between either parent and the kids..

If you do then you are using your kids as a pawn to hurt the other

[amaysngrace]

True.. but they need to get a watered down version appropriate to their age

 

A 6 year old can't comprehend issues like drugs or abuse..

 

The children are 9 and 13. They have most likely learned about the dangers of doing drugs in school by now. And while they may not have total comprehension on the topic, they are aware that drugs exist.

[amaysngrace]

But.. the truth needs to be told as to not drive a wedge between either parent and the kids..

If you do then you are using your kids as a pawn to hurt the other

 

I agree and didn't mention it because I thought this was understood. Children come first always, especially in situations as sensitive as this.

[wizedup]

My 13 year old found his bag (and to me it wasn't just a little bit...it was 1/2 a bag). She has been through several drug programs in school... she knows what it is, there is no doubt in my mind. Her dad wants to be the one to talk to her but is procrastinating. I think he's just leading me on and really has no plans to tell her. He doesn't want to "be the bad guy." And has threatened that if I tell her, he'll tell her everything bad I've ever done and tell her that I knew it was happening all this time and didn't do anything about it. Get a load of that crap.

I'm willing to lay my past on the line in order to get this all out into the open. It needs to be; to me, there's no other choice.

Whether or not the 9 yr old is told remains to be seen. I have a meeting with a substance abuse counselor to ask about all this. I guess she will be my guide through this mess....

[hyakku]

My 13 year old found his bag (and to me it wasn't just a little bit...it was 1/2 a bag). She has been through several drug programs in school... she knows what it is, there is no doubt in my mind. Her dad wants to be the one to talk to her but is procrastinating. I think he's just leading me on and really has no plans to tell her. He doesn't want to "be the bad guy." And has threatened that if I tell her, he'll tell her everything bad I've ever done and tell her that I knew it was happening all this time and didn't do anything about it. Get a load of that crap.

I'm willing to lay my past on the line in order to get this all out into the open. It needs to be; to me, there's no other choice.

Whether or not the 9 yr old is told remains to be seen. I have a meeting with a substance abuse counselor to ask about all this. I guess she will be my guide through this mess....

 

You're husband is threatening to tell your daughter if you tell her he smokes pot?

 

You need to drop him, a real man would own up to what he does and explain it to his daughter.

[Art_Critic]

You're husband is threatening to tell your daughter if you tell her he smokes pot?

 

You need to drop him, a real man would own up to what he does and explain it to his daughter.

 

Maybe so.. but he is an addict.. this is an addicts behavior.. it is a denial based disease.

Learning to separate the drug addict from the real person and learning to stop enabling the behavior that he uses as a crutch to continue his addict behavior is what she needs to do.

 

If he makes threats like that then she needs to call his bluff.. he needs to learn that his behavior has consequences.

 

She could benefit from learning about codependancy and how it applies to herself

[rkman]

Are you out of your mind?!?!? Coffee is not harmful for healthy people, it's even recommended by doctors!

 

For the record coffee is in fact a deadly poison. Alcohol is in fact a deadly drug. Weed is in fact a drug with unknown long-term effects and horrible short-term side-effects, especially when abused.

 

What seperates weed form other drugs is that the addiction is social. You become addicted to the lifestyle, not the substance. This is why it is considered a horrible entry level drug, it preps you for what's even worse.

 

 

To the OP. When you love someone, sometimes the hardest thing to do is to do the right thing for them. How else will your child learn not to do certain stupid things unless they actually make the mistake? My eldest brother was an alcoholic whom I supported while living on my own for a short period of time. That was my mistake. It wasn't until I forced him into the gutter, until his back was completely to the wall both legally and mentally that he was able to accept he has a problem. Addiction is very strange. To someone who is not addicted they feel that they are not being valued. To the addict, that person is extremely valued however, their judgement is completely skewed, they are in fact incapable of making rational decisions. That is the key; they are incapable of making rational decisions. Through being harsh you are providing them with much more than 'loving' them could ever offer. Supporting the problem is actually selfish. You are offering them a chance. The most important part in all of this is be supportive in some fashion when he finally becomes aware. This moment of awareness is like a big light on their life where they are ready to accept the facts, the fact that they have a problem. With my brother, after I left him on his own while he was rehabilitating, he was extremely happy that I offered him my courage and support, but most importantly of all my forgiveness into helping him to become a better man.

 

I saw a movie recently called Intoxiting or something like that. It gave an extremely well drawn perspective on what the person with the real problem is going through and how it affects those around them. They do in fact deserve our sympathy, but it will only be abused until they are truly ready to accept it.

 

Men and women can only carry themselves so far on their own. You are married to the man for a reason. Now it is your turn to be strong in this marriage and prove to the world why you made such a valuable commitment. Be strong for yourself, for your children and for your husband. Let him go, let him crash an burn. Throw him out if you have to. BUT love the man he is capable of being, because that man will one day return.

[wizedup]

Your post, rkman, made a lot of sense. But in response to your quote: BUT love the man he is capable of being, because that man will one day return. I don't know that man. For that person to return, I would have had to see him to begin with. He started smoking pot at 12...28 years ago. Therefore, he has always abused both alcohol and drugs (pot and coke). And on another level, he doesn't know himself sober either. He has a very long road ahead (assuming he continues to not use anymore). Everything single one of his friends smoke pot or drink. Several of his closest family members too. So he doesn't have a sober network of friends.

And the sad part is that even if he does fully recover (and that's a big IF), I don't believe I could ever go back to being his wife. In the 23 yrs we've been together, too much damage has happened and the trust/security/love is no longer there....

[mariJane]

dont tell the kids!! ok it is ok ,

your feelings are yours and should be respected by your spouse

but you are going a little over board there, so just make sure you are breathing when you get overwhelmed.

dont talk to the kids, talk to him

your kids are old enough now that w/o words they know you guys are going through something and they do not need to know more, would you tell your kids if the sex wasnt there anymore? so they do not need to know, and whatever the outcome of this, you still need to breathe through it k peace out

[mariJane]

i think you are not being fare that you used to do it to,

think how suddenly and fastly you are moving and how attacked he must be feeling. you really need to talk to him and keep the kids out of it until you guys know what the outcome is looking like. obviously the 13 yr old already found somethin and isnt dumb!!!!

i really feel sad for you and your family for how sudden you seem to be freakin for someone who used to do it. seriously

you've been putting up with it how long??

and drug counselors all this that is going to do nothing good in the end.

please go for a walk and breathe and sit on **** before you act you are obviously hurt and freakin,

its ok

its just you need to see this from an outside view, how would it be if you continued to smoke and he quit when you got pregnat 2nd time, and he did this **** to you?? you see...

and you are not holier then thou b/c you smoked til your second pregnancy you see

k peace out please!!!