trevty Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 Hello all, If you are new to this you can catch up by reading http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90007/ and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90673/ For those of you who have been following along, here we go: MC was a bust:( ! We left worse then when we got there. After getting home we talked some, but wife was very angry, maybe the most she has been yet. She took off her rings and said we needed to be apart. I am devastated. Just as much as you never know what real love is until you have it, you have no idea what true hopelessness is until you have that. I cried for hours yesterday. I can do nothing to change this. It is all in her hands. I love her more then I can explain. I would die for her if it gave her back all that I have taken. This forum is a great place to air your feelings, but it does not let all of you know how special this women is! I am trying to deal with the fact that she may never trust me, or anyone else again because of me! What a horrible person I am. Without her trust I now realize we will never be equals. It has been almost 24 hours since she last said "I love you" and since this morning since she has texted me those words. Could it be that she will never say it again? God I hope not! As down as I am about how I feel, I truely pray that me being gone will give her the freedom from this to find peace in her heart. I deserve this misery, she does not!!! I have not seen her since yesterday noontime and miss my bestfriend so much. How do you live a life you hate? Hopeless and without respect for myself, what do I do???? I do not know what the next few days will bring, but I fear for the worse and can't figure out what to do from here. If she could only find peace within herself and believe in the fact that I will be all she said she needs of me. Please help, Trevty:( Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 T-- I've been following your posts but must have missed something. I don't understand what has actually happened to have driven your W to such anger. As I understand, you and W married quite some time ago after having cheated on your respective spouses with one another. So what have you done or lied about that set off this recent round of events? You ask: How do you live a life you hate? Hopeless and without respect for myself, what do I do???? Do the things that will garner you self-respect and live the life you want to love. It's just that easy . . . and hard. Beyond that, until we know more about what has actually happened, we can't be of much help. But you gotta come clean and get in touch with your Maker for a re-make--not an acquisition--but a serious make-over. THere's got to be a higher power mediating our scared, screwed-up power games or we'd never be able to relate to anyone, and that's the place where hope lies. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 She isn't trying and she sees no hope for the future. To be honest, she isn't giving you a chance. Has she NOT read your posts? Your words SCREAM out and she's not seeing how serious you are about being sorry or seeing how much you love her, want her to trust you again and that you'll do anything to make it right. I hate to say this, but if she isn't willing to try, there's no point in continuing MC. Once one person decides it's over or isn't willing to try, it's even harder for the other person...You. I'm not telling you to give up, but let her have her space. She's not ready yet. For anything. I'm sorry for the pain you're in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trevty Posted June 16, 2006 Author Share Posted June 16, 2006 Thank you Whichwayisup! Becoming, please read the links at the top of the page. All that has happened is in there. I wrote her a letter this afternoon and she will be reading right about now. I really hope she has not given up, but all I can do is respect her request for space and time. We were just at the boy's game (They Won!!!), but to see her without her rings rips at my soul. I will see what tonight and the weekend brings. An updates will be posted and hope to hear from you guys as well. God Bless, Trevty Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 I'm sure that really hurt seeing her rings off. Not sure if that was a good idea for her to do...Seems quite final. Maybe the letter will shed some light and make her think abit. Don't expect anything, that way you won't be disappointed. Yup, as hard is it is going to be, she's asked for space, so give it her. Enjoy your kids, and try to keep things light over the weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trevty Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 I will do my best Whichwayisup! Link to post Share on other sites
Author trevty Posted June 18, 2006 Author Share Posted June 18, 2006 Wife is at hospital with one of the boys, he fell and may have broken his arm. Not sure yet, waiting to hear back from her. We talked more this morning. She does not seem angry like she has been for a few days now, but she also does not have feelings of wanting me either. I said this morning that I am telling you everything I am doing, lettting you know where I am at all times and you are not doing any of that for me. She doesn't tell me where she is, who she is with, didn't even tell me where she stayed last night until this morning only to find out she found it better to sleep at a friend's house that we have both said we would never do in the past due to cleanliness issues rather then be in our home, with me overnight. I am going to have to find soemplace to stay tonight since her children are here and I had mine stay at their mother's. She says that she does not feel any connection to me that would make her feel different right now. I am writing her letters and did a "Want for us" list today. I am glad she has lost the anger, but how do you build equality between two souls so badly hurt. I talk about day by day and giving things a chance and she doesn't even say anything back. Only that I am not someone she wants inside her circle right now. She said she is worried about the things I say to her and here about how I feel. I told her that would never do anything to myself just that I feel very hopeless right now. We have so much and yet I feel like I have nothing. Sitting in this empty house last night felt like I was in someone else's home, not mine. I look around and see so many things that represent things we have done together and think, Why can't she see them too? How can she not want them also? Am I doing the right thing by letting her have us sleep apart each night. It will get to be expensive to keep renting a room each time I stay away. I don't know where to go from here. God Bless, Trevty Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2006 Share Posted June 18, 2006 Wife is at hospital with one of the boys, he fell and may have broken his arm. Not sure yet, waiting to hear back from her. Your poor son, I hope he's doing better! We talked more this morning. She does not seem angry like she has been for a few days now, but she also does not have feelings of wanting me either. I said this morning that I am telling you everything I am doing, lettting you know where I am at all times and you are not doing any of that for me. She doesn't tell me where she is, who she is with, didn't even tell me where she stayed last night until this morning only to find out she found it better to sleep at a friend's house that we have both said we would never do in the past due to cleanliness issues rather then be in our home, with me overnight. I am going to have to find soemplace to stay tonight since her children are here and I had mine stay at their mother's. Maybe she feels like she's doing nothing wrong and doesn't feel she owes you the same respect, letting you know her whereabouts. I think that's wrong, and not good for fixing the marriage. She seems hellbent on having HER way and not compromising. She says that she does not feel any connection to me that would make her feel different right now. I am writing her letters and did a "Want for us" list today. I am glad she has lost the anger, but how do you build equality between two souls so badly hurt. I talk about day by day and giving things a chance and she doesn't even say anything back. Only that I am not someone she wants inside her circle right now. That's really sad. There isn't much you can do until she decides she wants to try. As much as it hurts you, don't give up hope yet. Maybe in time things will turn around, she'll see how life could be without you and decide to work hard to fix the marriage instead of letting her hurts and mistrust get in the way. She said she is worried about the things I say to her and here about how I feel. I told her that would never do anything to myself just that I feel very hopeless right now. We have so much and yet I feel like I have nothing. Sitting in this empty house last night felt like I was in someone else's home, not mine. I look around and see so many things that represent things we have done together and think, Why can't she see them too? How can she not want them also? Why is she worried about what you say here? You're venting, you're speaking from your heart and getting advice, support. What is wrong with that? Right now, don't try to figure out what is inside her head. I don't think she really knows...Just seems there's alot of pain and confusion, not knowing what to do. Sometimes the best way of handling it is to do nothing... Am I doing the right thing by letting her have us sleep apart each night. It will get to be expensive to keep renting a room each time I stay away. I don't know where to go from here. That isn't going to help the marriage. Or be good for the kids to know you two are apart. I don't know what the answer is or what will happen, but sleeping apart and beginning to live separate lives from eachother isn't a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 I posted to your wife on the other thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 Ok, Trevty, I did go back and re-read all the referenced posts again. I think we're missing one of the key components--past drug use. We've minimized it here. Are you clean? Working an AA or NA program could really help you and your W (who will see you really are working through your issues instead of giving her assurance, which, because of past lies, she doesn't know if it it's for real or another one of your lies). You really have to be a man of integrity now, which means your actions match your words and you do what it is you say you will do. I really like you T and want to help, but only you can help yourself ultimately. You know this. Your honest vulnerability and your active commitment really can make good things happen for you. Those of us who've been abused have a tendency to sabotage ourselves when things are going good. Please find a therapist who can help you work through all the abuse issues that are still running the show of your life so that you can have the life you deserve. You have so much good going for you that I lament the harm that you experienced in your former life, pain which you inadvertently passed around as a result of trying to deal with your pain as best you could. The good news is that God is at work restoring your soul. The bad news is that it hurts to have everything dragged out into the light in order to re-store it to where you can get to it to use in the future--like on that TV show Clean Sweep where you have to pull everything out and sort it into what you're going to keep, sell, give away, trash before everything is put back in. But stay with the process and you can have a beautiful, functional, well-ordered life beyond all the chaos that has been yours. I also responded to your wife on other thread. She has her own work to do, too. It sounds like you're at the point where you're both struggling to actually merge your lives together and now want to deal with all the crap you've just thrown into the garage or attic or basement but you're so overwhelmed with it all that it'd be easier if you just moved. Blessings! Link to post Share on other sites
missmom2527 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I think you should be asking her more questions about what she is doing. when some people feel guilty they often try to place blame on the other person to keep the spot light off themself. Have you ever asked why she just all of a sudden on called to check up on you? Or why she just jumped straight to you lying to her, have you ever lied to her before not to everyone else, directly to her about something. there was a comment about her watching you lie to people daily but were you not doing the same thing. i would be trying to figure out who her friend was that she stayed with or where she was at the time she was calling to check up on you. i have come to figure out that when you up to no good you alwayes call to check where your partner is so as not to get caught. maybe her not able to find you that one day was her easy way out Link to post Share on other sites
Author trevty Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 Hi everybody, Sorry I have not posted. After listening to my wife and really seeing that I was hurting her with my presence. She had been asking for a break for a week and Monday I rented a weekly rental room to give her the time she needs. I was a mess yesterday after being away from home for the first night, all I wanted her to know is that I wanted to come home. We had a talk last night and she explained that her reason for the time is to find out where she wants to be and to be able to focus on getting to a better place for her before she can think about us. I took a long drive last night and put thought to the things she had said. What if I were her and felt the way she does? What would I want to fix first. To know my wife, you would know it is everyone around her first, then her. I have been square in her face saying, forgive me, I love you, why can't you see that? It took her saying it outright for me to understand that she couldn't work on her if I am making her think about how I don't like being away from home. I'm not saying I haven't had a hard time being away from everything I know, but I want her to be better! She had a session with our MC today and I am going to the next one scheduled for Tuesday (am really hoping to get with him sooner). She said she had an ok session and took some things away from it that helped. I don't want to ask too much, if she wants to talk about more of it then we have she will. I am proud to say that I have figured out that I feel good about the kind of man I have become thru this. I will always carry the regret of getting our relationship to here, but for maybe the first time in my life, I am doing it all alone. I don't recomend finding yourself this way but I know that I have taken away from this that it is ok to tell the truth. That I should feel scared or worried about getting in trouble. I hope that wife and I get the chance for me to be all that I know I have become. Have to go, I will write again soon, Trevty Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 I don't want to ask too much, if she wants to talk about more of it then we have she will. Did you tell her this? If not, do. It's good to see you using this time to think about yourself and what you want and what you're doing. Link to post Share on other sites
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