Age Difference?

[Devestated]

Hi-

 

I just wanted to get some insight from how others feel about age difference. My ex of 5 yrs (first boyfriend, first everything) and I were in a long distance relationship for the past 3 years. Things were great until this past summer he said he didn't have feelings for me, etc. I really don't believe this considering all we have been through and whatnot. I think alot of it boils down to the fact we met when were 16 and we have never dated other people. Well now to my surprise, he is in a relationship- pretty quick. I found out he's sleeping with her as well, which is kinda out of character for him. I'm the only person he has ever slept with. I know he wants to experience someone else, but does the fact that he is sleeping with her means it is on a pretty serious level? I thought he would just casually date people and not get into anything serious. I really want him back badly and would do anything in the world but I just don't know how to do this with this other person taking his attention. Do I have a chance? Does it sound like maybe this is just a rebound fling type thing? Everyone says we are meant to be and this is just destroying me to find he's sleeping with her. My main question was about age difference-he's 21 and she is 30. I was pretty shocked about this as well. I'm not one that says age matters, but in this situation it seems shady- I mean what kind of 30 year old woman would be interested in a 21 year old college boy? It doesn't make alot of sense to me. Do you think it will last? I can't lose him to someone else...... Thanks for reading.

[Tony T]

Their age difference and their relationship should be none of your concern. What should be your concern is your pride and self respect.

 

This guy has cheated on you and let you find out about it. Dump him immediately and never give him another thought.

 

Let me be the first to tell you that the purpose of dating is to find out about the other person, to find out where they're coming from, to find out their good qualities and their bad qualities. Why in heaven's name would you ever want to get back with a man who betrayed you.

 

You've got a lot of years ahead of you. Make up a much more strict set of standards for men who you want in your life. When they do you wrong, forget about them...write them off...and forget about them. And for gawd's sake, don't worry about whether or not the person they cheated on you with is too old or if it's going to last.

 

Write this guy off and don't look back. There are so many millions of guys out there for you, you don't need your ex.

 

He's a first class scumbag. Think more of yourself!!!

[BeenThere]

First Love -- the toughest of all to let go of. When your young and coming into age your hormones run amuck and you feel things more intensely than at any other time in your life. Your *first* will be the one you look back on time and time again no matter how old you become. Not that it's the BEST relationship you'll ever have, or the only one, but you'll remember it because it was the most intense--The one that put you in touch with your emotions and sexuality for the first time in your life. But it is; nevertheless, "young" love...the kind that rarely lasts.

 

Another obstacle is that long distance relationships are difficult to maintain if not impossible. As two healthy human beings who are now becoming adults, neither of you can be expected to remain abstinent or ignore your attraction to other people indefinitely. Life sometimes takes us in different directions. College sometimes separates highschool sweethearts who thought they could never be parted. Interests change -- friends change -- life moves on -- and you roll with the punches. It's all a part of growing up.

 

As far as your boyfriends interest in this other woman, I hardly think its something that will last. He's young, he's in his prime, and as hard as it may be for your heart to accept, it's both healthy and natural for him to experience other people. I'm sure he will spend time with a variety of different females who seem "out of character" for him. He's at a point in his life where he is trying to figure out what he likes and what he doesn't. It's both a necessary and natural function that will help him to grow emotionally and sexually. Life is to be learned by experience, through trial and error. Only after your boyfriend has "sewn his oats" and figured out what he wants in a partner, will he be mature enough to settle into a long-term committed relationship. And as far as the older woman?...Well, I can't speak for HER intentions, but I think your boyfriend may be looking for an experienced sexual partner or someone who he thinks is more settled and mature. Afterall, many young males have fantasies about being with an older woman. It's a faze, he'll work through it, and hopefully learn something about himself from the experience.

 

Being a female, I know how difficult and painful this must be for you and I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. But I know from personal experience; like everyone else who has loved, lost, survived, and moved on; that time will heal your heart and you will find love again. And one day, when that "Mr. Wonderful" finally comes along, you will look back at this experience with nostalgia and melancholy. But it will not be as painful as it is for you right now. And...I hate to be the one to tell you this...but this will be only the first of MANY heartbreaks to come along. Brace yourself sweetheart, *Love* is a bumpy ride!

Hi- I just wanted to get some insight from how others feel about age difference. My ex of 5 yrs (first boyfriend, first everything) and I were in a long distance relationship for the past 3 years. Things were great until this past summer he said he didn't have feelings for me, etc. I really don't believe this considering all we have been through and whatnot. I think alot of it boils down to the fact we met when were 16 and we have never dated other people. Well now to my surprise, he is in a relationship- pretty quick. I found out he's sleeping with her as well, which is kinda out of character for him. I'm the only person he has ever slept with. I know he wants to experience someone else, but does the fact that he is sleeping with her means it is on a pretty serious level? I thought he would just casually date people and not get into anything serious. I really want him back badly and would do anything in the world but I just don't know how to do this with this other person taking his attention. Do I have a chance? Does it sound like maybe this is just a rebound fling type thing? Everyone says we are meant to be and this is just destroying me to find he's sleeping with her. My main question was about age difference-he's 21 and she is 30. I was pretty shocked about this as well. I'm not one that says age matters, but in this situation it seems shady- I mean what kind of 30 year old woman would be interested in a 21 year old college boy? It doesn't make alot of sense to me. Do you think it will last? I can't lose him to someone else...... Thanks for reading.

[Devestated]

Tony-

 

Thank you for responding. I must have been unclear in my post. He did not in ANYWAY cheat on me. He broke up with me last June and has recently met this new lady. He did not betray me in anyway and yes I stil want to get back with him. I just don't see what can come of this relationship- if it's even that. It seems like he's trying to get over me? I just want to know if I'm going to lose him and what I can do to prevent that from happening.

Their age difference and their relationship should be none of your concern. What should be your concern is your pride and self respect. This guy has cheated on you and let you find out about it. Dump him immediately and never give him another thought. Let me be the first to tell you that the purpose of dating is to find out about the other person, to find out where they're coming from, to find out their good qualities and their bad qualities. Why in heaven's name would you ever want to get back with a man who betrayed you.

 

You've got a lot of years ahead of you. Make up a much more strict set of standards for men who you want in your life. When they do you wrong, forget about them...write them off...and forget about them. And for gawd's sake, don't worry about whether or not the person they cheated on you with is too old or if it's going to last. Write this guy off and don't look back. There are so many millions of guys out there for you, you don't need your ex. He's a first class scumbag. Think more of yourself!!!

[Tony T]

Again, we're not psychic here. But as a practical matter, it is not good to wait around for people until you see the direction of their new relationships. Your ex has moved on and so should you.

 

If you are available, I would say it's highly unlikely that he's seeing this other person to get over you. If he wanted to be with you, he would have called. If he's got a lot of pride that prevented him from doing so, just forget it.

 

Sitting around trying to analyze his life is not going to be productive for you.

[Devestated]

Tony,

 

I agree with alot of what you are saying, but I still can't let it go and until I can, I'm going to have to figure out the best way to handle things. He doesn't live here, but we still talk almost everyday and on a recent trip home we spent everyday together. Perhaps he just wants a friendship?

Again, we're not psychic here. But as a practical matter, it is not good to wait around for people until you see the direction of their new relationships. Your ex has moved on and so should you. If you are available, I would say it's highly unlikely that he's seeing this other person to get over you. If he wanted to be with you, he would have called. If he's got a lot of pride that prevented him from doing so, just forget it. Sitting around trying to analyze his life is not going to be productive for you.

[Tony T]

I am deeply sorrowed that you think so little of yourself that you would tolerate the antics of this jerk. He's cheated on you and treated you awfully. Yikes. What will it take to get you to come around?

 

I've been where you are and I suppose this is just something you're going to have to learn on your own.