Cheating wife - advise

[AmyJ]

Hello everyone. I have a very large problem that I need some help with. I cannot talk to my family or friends and I need to know how to proceed. I have been with my husband for 5 years. I was 19 when we started dating. I am now 24 and we have been married for 7 months.

 

Throughout the year prior to our marriage I began to freak out. My friends were no help because they always wanted to go out and I always wanted to as well. Not every time, but many times, I found myself in a bad situation. Making out with someone I barely knew or worse. I don't blame the alcohol (although I used and it seems to be the easiest thing to do). My friends acted as though I could tell them anything and it would remain in the confidence. They also acted as though everything I was doing made sense... until I came clean.

 

After every time I would tell my then fiance/boyfriend and he would always forgive me. There never seemed to be consiquences so I did not really stop myself from letting it happen again. I always wanted to keep myself from doing anything to hurt him or change the way he looks at me. I wouldn't tell him the whole story... just enough to make me feel as though I had confessed. That is, until this time. Since our marriage I had been faithful to my husband and I hoped that I would be able to maintain this.

 

You see... with in the last week I went home to visit my "friends" and got very drunk. I ended up sleeping with someone (situations in the past (prior to our marriage) had not ended this way). I came home and couldn't tell my husband. It took me 2 days to work up the courage... I actually though of killing myself instead of telling him. I knew that this would be no easy out and that he would be crushed. Especially because I did not remember all the details, due to my drunken state, I knew it would be hard to tell the whole truth... something I had not done in the past.

 

With this situation I told the whole truth, and, as expected, broke him into a million pieces. My heart is broken to see him this way. Now I know that I deserve anything that comes my way and that I can never get him to trust me again. As a result... I came totally clean. I told him the whole truthes about everything that I had ever done. I cannot image what that did to him inside. My "friends" have become his council rather than my own. They have shunned me and have begun telling him ever detail they can remember... whether he wants to know or not. I am happy that I told him everything before they did... but I am not happy with myself or what I have done.

 

He says that he forgives me for everything but he doesn't know if he can ever forget. Is this something that we will ever be able to work past? He said that he doesn't want to forgive me and then find out years from now that we are right back in the same place. He held me up so high and with many stupid actions (the most recent being the worst) I have fallen from his graces. All I want now is to get back into his graces... to have him look at me like he used to. People keep saying that these things should have already been my priority... and why weren't they? I cannot answer that. I think with this last thing I was looking for a way to get caught. Not a way to get out of our marriage (because he is the most wonderful person I have EVER met or ever will meet), but a way to force myself to come clean with all of the lies that I had told in the past. I want us to start with a clean slate... I want us to be able to pick up the pieces but there is so much going on and there are so many things I cannot explain away that I don't know if that is ever going to happen.

 

Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I cut my losses... which are substantial emotionally... in an attempt to rekindle the spark that was there so long ago? Should I leave him to save him from having to make that choice? Or should I work to fix what I have done? Is there a way that I can fix what I have done? I want to more than anything. My life is not right without him in it... why I couldn't have thought of that before I do not know. Please help.

[paige367]

Don't leave him. You obviously love him very much and I'm sure you'll agree that what you two have is worth the effort of trying to stay together. Give it some time, don't make any rash decisions. Love is very rare in this world and is worth working for. You may want to examine why these "opps" moments keep happening. Ever consider marriage couseling?

[wezol]

You don't love him. You constantly cheat on him and voluntarely put yourself in bad situations and you even admit to it. Don't hurt him anymore, he doesn't deserve it. File for divorce and leave it at that. He deserves someone who will treat him with respect and be his girlfriend/WIFE.

[sodakki_lov]

How can u do tis to him? u 2 were married and in less den a yr tis happens. Not to mention tat u were already lik this when u two were dating. Frm wat u said in ur first post, i can tel he really loves u, dont leave him yet, u already caused him emotional distress frm ur earlier confessions, let him decide whether he should leave u or try to forgive u and carry on, u at least owe him tat. I think u sld learn to control ur alcohol intake outside of home, dont want to end up havin one nite stands again. N u should take note of the friends tat u hav, dey dun sound lik gd ones to me. Hav u considered gttin a gd book on how to spice up ur sex life? im sure ur husband wld b more then willing to help u, especially when it can help u control e urge to look outside e relationship for sexual pleasures.

[Sup]

Let him go, he DOES deserve better, but don't take him for ANY money! He shouldn't have to pay for this!

[wezol]

sodakki_luv

 

When you went to school, you learned grammar. Please use it.

[sodakki_lov]

Whoops, Sorry weasel darling, i dint plan to use it for a casual forum post:laugh:

[catgirl1927]

You don't love him, you only love yourself. You are right, you deserve whatever comes your way. If he forgives you, you will do it again and again. The very least you could do is admit that to him. You have hurt him enough. You have absolutely no rights to anything any more in this relationship. The decision is entirely his, I only hope he leaves you and finds someone who is a better person instead of wasting his life.

[electric_sheep]

I'm going to be less harsh here.

 

I do think it is possible to make stupid decisions and to cheat on someone and still love them. It is very selfish however.

 

From a purely practical standpoint, this is what you need to do:

 

Let it be his decision. Look, you f***ed up, you need to be willing to work on making things right. That's your part. I don't think this should be your decision to make.

 

Examine your life and your values. Do you think you can be faithful to this man ? Be honest with yourself. You may have some sexual addiction or self-esteem issues. Are you willing to work on them ? Now, tell him honestly what you decide. If you are a little worried you might have another "oops", tell him. Whatever you do be 100% honest with him.

 

Now, try and live up to your word.

 

If you do all this, you guys may have a chance, and you may not. That's just realistic. People have a hard time getting over things like this. For some people it's not so hard, for others impossible. He may not want to take the chance. That's his choice. If he does agree to try to make it work again, be generous and understanding. He may have moments where he simply thinks everything sucks, and he doubts things, and he wonders if he can ever trust you again.

 

If you get this far ... further down the road ... be on the lookout for whether either of your feelings have changed. Sometimes you just can't recreate that feeling again. Sometimes people just can't trust again. If this is the case, then you guys may want to re-evaluate. He may not love you the same as he did. That wouldn't be fair to either of you. You do have to give it time though. These things can't be repaired in just a few weeks.

 

Having said that, I believe in second chances, and I believe in redemption. I always believe people can grow and change for the better. Good luck to you, and for God's sake try and learn from your mistakes ! If you do, then you've done far better than I have.

[ronnieromance]

Not to rub your face in it, but this is what isee a lot of with folks who get married super young.

 

Leave. Break up. End it.

 

 

 

-R-

[ElroyJetz1]

You are selfish, immature and do not deserve to be in any sort of relationship. You have no self control and by your actions you singlehandedly broke the spirit and morale of another human being. After he ends this poor excuse of a relationship, I advise you seek intense psychiatric help as soon as possible.

[Spectre]

you cheated cuz you wanted to, not cuz he allowed it, not cuz of your friends, not cuz of alcohol, cuz you wanted to. That right there says you dont belong married to anyone, you arent even gf material let alone wife material. Leave your husband, He's obviously got issues if he keeps forgiving this type of behavior, just leave the guy alone, and next time a person forgives you dont take advantage and then try to blame your behavior on "he kept forgiving me so i kept doing it!"

[a4a]

You love him????? Sure you love him because he makes you feel good. Do these other people make you feel good too?

 

The problem is much deeper than a simple question of should I leave him or not?

 

Why do you have this need to get the attentions of so many people?

Does he not provide you with something in the relationship? Or did you come into this relationship with this problem?

 

You need to resolve this "need" of yours regardless if you stay with him or not. In the meantime I suggest you talk with him openly and honestly, give him all the information and allow him to make the decision if he would like to still be in the relationship........ for a change you need to make things

NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

I don't think you love yourself one bit. If you did you would be able to respect yourself. You would hold yourself to higher standards and want to be the person that you desire to be.

 

I truly think cheating has more to do with being unwhole than it does with not loving the person you are with..... but you do not have the right to force your "problem" onto another person.

 

You need to go work on making yourself a whole person..... without dragging others into your mess.

[rkman]

Step 1:

You need to let him go, for his own sake. End his pain and torment here and now. Staying would only be for YOUR own sake.

 

Step 2:

Go out and have "fun" as you might describe it.

 

Step 3:

Find yourself a guy to date who makes you feel all good about yourself, because he seems to say all teh right things. Later he'll become a complete dick. Stay for a while, get used, abused.

 

Step 4:

Finally, when that's over, look back on what was possible, and never forget not to be such a selfish ***** again.

 

There are more important people in your world than yourself, those are the people who love and care for you.

[slnice]

AmyJ,

 

Son't beat yourself up yet. there's a lot to be worked on here and I'm sure you've noticed I'd like to help. I'm working on a new show with a psychiatrist that has worked with individuals and couples for 20years. He even writes numerous articles in various publications on the topic of infidelity. Give me a call toll free maybe I can help you with this situation 1-888-372-2569 ext 4347 or email me at [email protected]

[Javelin]

Guess I'll be the first to say it.

 

You're not ready for a commitment, period.

 

My advice to you:

1) Leave the relationship you're in for the sake of your husband.

2) Get the partying out of your system

By this I mean, 'hook up' (sex, kissing, 3 somes, gangbangs orgies etc)

3) Figure out when you're ready to be faithful.