I just don't understand....

[Tina]

We talked again last night (I called to say goodnight) and had a very warm conversation and everything, said words of love ect. and I told him I didn't want to look like I was chasing him, and he replied that he loved it when I called and that he would have called me, but he didn't always know which place to get me at (I spend alot of time at my grandmother's) and he didn't want to bother my relatives.

 

I told him that at the beginning of December I finish a major profect and after that have free time.

 

"So what are you going to do?" he asked.

 

"I don't know," I replied.

 

"Come to my city?" he asked.

 

"Maybe..." I answered.

 

Near the end of December he is scheduled to have a prostate operation, and he told me that his daughter wanted to come to visit him during this time, but he wasn't sure yet if she would come. I told him that if she didn't come I would like to be there for him, and I explained that I didn't just want to be with him to 'have a good time', but that I loved him so much that I would want to be there to take care of him if he was weak.

 

"Or I could come for a few days before the operation, before she comes," I proposed.

 

"and what happens if I say no? Will you get upset and start to cry again?" he asked.

 

"Of course not. I'm not expecting anything from you at all. Nothing at all. I have no hopes or expectations," I replied.

 

"That's what I want to hear," he replied and he said we still had time and would play it by ear, and 'go with the flow'.

 

Then I asked him a question I couldn't hold back any longer.

 

I asked him if he seen any other woman, or done something sexual lately.

 

"I haven't touched any woman since you, and two hours ago I did the self-service method," he replied.

 

"Do you mind if I ask you what you thought about when you did it?"

 

"I don't really want to talk about it," he replied.

 

"Okay sorry for asking."

 

Then he told me that he had watched a sex cheap video he had bought a long time ago and that he didn't think about me when he 'did it' because he didn't want to feel frustrated and lonely afterwards.

 

I told him that when I 'did it' I couldn't help thinking about him and that as a woman I was able to do it and not feel as frustrated like him because the memories were like a film for me that still had lots of power and were able to excite me easily.

 

He asked me what I was wearing and where I was, and I told him that I was lying in bed with nothing on, and he kind of sighed with pleasure saying he could imagine how beautiful I must look, ect.

 

When we said goodbye I tossed and turned all night. Couldn't sleep and felt really disturbed the more I thought about our conversation and how he isn't sure he will agree to me coming. How can he be so much in love with me, desire me and everything and still not be sure if he wants be to come there to see him?? The more I think about this, the more lonely I feel. How should I tell him this and persuade him to see me without being pushy?? It is so obvious that he wants me and desires me. What more do I have to proove to him now???

[midori]

What more do I have

to proove to him now???

That's just it, you shouldn't have to "prove" anything to this guy. And in fact you can't. If a person is determined to not face up to what's in his heart there is nothing you can do to make him see it and embrace it.

 

This guy is playing some serious games with you. Believe it or not it doesn't really matter why; he's doing it. And ONLY he can stop it if he decides he wants to. Keeping people at arm's length, being elusive and blowing hot-and-cold must be how he deals with intimacy. Obviously there are some issues there: you will never be able to solve them. Only he will if he wants to. That much is entirely up to him.

 

I have been where you are with a man. I have tossed and turned, wondered endlessly why the man who claimed to love me to distraction could walk away from our relationship. Coincidentally (or is it?) distance was a big factor for us (he works half-way around the world and when I got into a prestigious graduate program earlier this year that prevented me from joining him overseas, that's when things fell apart; although he couldn't admit that it was the prospect of continued separation that freaked him out). I've been grappling with these tormenting thoughts for the past eight months. I started to see a therapist. I've talked and written ad naseum about this. This much I've learned:

 

1. His problems can only be solved by him, when and if he recognizes them and chooses to overcome them.

 

2. No matter what his special circumstances are, no matter how well I understand him, swallowing my needs, my anger, my doubts and/or my wishes in order to preserve harmony, be a good girlfriend, or whatever is not going to work. It's not going to work because doing so requires me to constrict myself and to say less, and be less than I am. It's not going to work because in so doing I'm only being 50% of a person in the relationship (a person lacking anger, lacking needs, etc.). It's not going to work because no one should have to subvert themselves in order to be in a relationship.

 

And so, my advice to you is this: cut this guy out of your life. He is not in a place where he is capable of engaging with you, with all of you, in a loving relationship. Tell him this upfront: do not be evasive or coy. Do not just avoid his calls. Make it clear to him what you find objectionable in his behavior: because it is objectionable. He is not appreciating what you are offering him, he's playing with your love. He's dancing at the edges of intimacy, hinting that he might be ready to step in -- but he's not stepping. That's not OK! It's bull**it. That's not how grown-ups behave in mature relationships.

 

One thing that does occur to me in all of this is that your guy might be very very nervous about his upcoming prostate operation. He might well be afraid (I don't know if with justification) that his post-op sexual performance might be diminished. He might have been proactively distancing himself from you sexually so that if, come January, he's incapacitated, he won't have to own up to that humiliating and unhappy fact. That might be one of the sources of his emotional avoidance. But he's still avoiding things, and as long as that's his m.o. you're going to be tossing and turning at night, trying to figure out where he's coming from, trying to figure out what your next move ought to be. That's not love! Strategy belongs to chess games. This relationship is not nourishing your spirit, it's not even allowing you to feel like you're nourishing him (and BOTH are essential).

 

It's just not going to work as long as this guy is hiding in the shadow, throwing things at you unpredictably. It will be even worse if you adopt his tactics.

[MercyRose]

"Of course not. I'm not expecting anything from you at all. Nothing at all. I have no hopes or expectations," I replied.

 

That is self defeatest behaviour-respect yourself! You deserve the best!

 

"That's what I want to hear," he replied

 

And that is just so obvious he cares nothing for you! He wants to hear you have no hopes? makes him feel safe?

 

Also:

 

"How can he be so much in love with me, desire me and everything and still not be sure if he wants be to come there to see him??"

 

Maybe he is married.

 

It would be nice to give him the benefit of the doubt so if you want to drag all the pain on loner wait till after his op to find out the truth.

 

Quote: "follow the joy..."

 

Meaning only make choices and decisions to do thinks that give you joy, not pain...

 

"He asked me what I was wearing and where I was,"

 

Sounds like a cybersex line on irc-maybe he was getting ready for another "self-service method," he replied.

 

Or maybe he was trying to get excited before he got into bed with his wife.