Stay Or Leave??

[Guest]

My b/f of a year tells me his brother will be moving to another state for a contracting job--he runs the business.. and him and my b/f are thinking in investing in it for the possibility to make big money. His brother would be moving there with his wife and kid. I am thinking my b/f's mother would not want to be apart from the grandchild and in which case she would go too--and my b/f stays a few days a week with her to help her out and take care of things with the house--which really makes me think he is never going to come back and will just follow his family and not take into consideration a possible future with me. I will just be starting my career and can not just follow him there.

He says he does not what is going to happen b/c this a few months from now and he is not even sure he is going to go even if he is investing b/c its not like he is doing it with a stranger--he said if something happens where his brother needs him--he will have to go and help--and this means he would have to take a leave of absence and those are good for up to a year. And i am thinking--if he does in fact stay for a year--then that is when he would have to make his decision to quit his job and live there or come back home to be with me. I bascially said we cannot have a relationship with you gone all these months--there is lack of intimacy and the possbility of just growing apart. What would stop him from saying no to some cute girl at a bar when i am not around at all and only able to see him 3 times a month--is that enough physical contact for a guy and emotional contact as well? People have needs and i don't want to be naive. Tell me if you think i am or not.

 

I said that if i am important to him you will make an effort for it to be more than 3 times a month and i am actually thinking of saying only go there to visit your brother and show support but not stay for months at a time. He said he cannot give me any answers right now because he doesnt have any--there are things his brother needs to do first before any of this gets started so it will probably take a couple of months and then he tells me he is not even sure if will have to go--which i think he would go anyway--especially just to see for himself if his brother needs and his mother. He says families stick together--so in my mind i am thinking he already made up his mind and i am going to get burned in the end b/c he is going to let his family dictate his life. I think yes--there is a bond btwn families that doesnt go away--but at some point you need to decide what you want in your life to be happy and that includes the person you want to share your life with. Families live apart all the time and still visit and talk on a daily basis. I feel as if he has some attachment disorder if he is willing to throw away a long term relationship. I said i can't be completely on the sideliness and just wait as you tell me.."its too busy this week--cant see u." I also feel like i will be worried about him meeting someone else.

 

He says--what gives you the impression it would be 3 times a month--he says if it happens where he needs to go and do this--yes some months might be busy where we wont see each other as much and others he can come for a few days or i can fly out there. He said if this can make him money and if i am in this for long term-why is it not impossible to be apart for a little bit but still together afterwards for years to come. I talked with my parents and they basically said i shouldnt make any rash decisions like calling it off now b/c i am mad at the possiblity of him leaving to make money for his future. They said a million things can happen between now and then:

1. we can break up over something even before he goes

2. This business idea can somehow be delayed or fall apart

3. He is showing he doesnt want to throw it away BUT if he begins to do less and less while away and cancelling and not seeing me--then maybe its time to let go.

4. If in the end, he decides to stay there for the long haul and live there--then i know for sure in my heart that it wasnt meant to be and maybe he just didnt love me enough or as much as i need and at that point i would never have to question in my life if i did the right thing.

5. They said if i give it up now and i say that i love him--i will always wonder what could have been instead of just playing it by ear and kind of letting him make the decision of what he wants to do with his life because obviously he knows i am serious about a future with him- And they said if i just let things run their natural course and show a little support--it may work out, it may not because life gives you a lot of curve balls which shows that maybe some things happen for a reason..but i wont have to wonder if i wait a little. My father said months apart can work short term but if its over a year and that leave of absence is over and he doesnt make any decisions--then maybe its time to say goodbye b/c at the point he should KNOW whether he wants to be closer to me or continue with just living there.

I also did tell him--if my parents moved to florida or somewhere all of a sudden i cannot just pack my bags and follow them..i have to live my own life and of course visit a lot and call and have them visit me. But i have to decide what i want for my future and who i want to share my life with. But he actually said--i wouldnt go with my family..all of this is making me think he will never come back. I ask him--so then what reason would you come back for if your mother decides to go with your brother and the kid..and he said well that would be to come back for you...but he isnt giving me any guarantee of anything right..no gurantee of how long, when, schedules of seeing each other because he says he does not have the answers or any more information on the thing. What do i do with this? Do you think my parents gave good advice? Help!!

[Guest]

All I can say is take a deep breath and relax a bit. You are a bit overwhelmed with what-ifs.

 

It may be possible that he has strong family ties, more so than you. Does that make his family less important because your ties are not as strong as his? My bf has stronger family ties than me and for a while I was upset that he left to spend time with them and stayed out longer than he said he would while I waited at the computer for him to return. I was mad at times to an unreasonable point and I admit it. I am now more understanding and I think it is one of his good traits that his ties to his family is so strong. I have considered moving to him in the future when it comes to it because of his bonds to his family. My family is not so tight.

 

Is there so little trust in him and his faithfulness that you think "out of sight out of mind"? If you both truely love each other and are dedicated to one another, there must be trust in each other regardless of the distance. Who knows if the trust may rear its ugly head later down the line regardless of being close or far. Do you trust him to be faithful and dedicated to you?

 

So far you don't know if it will happen or not. You may be jumping the gun right now with what-ifs. He is being honest with you telling you his possible future plan. Don't rain his parade. Tell him your concerns, but don't give him the "if you don't do this we won't be together" threats. They will work against you if you presure him instead of being supportive, considerate, and reasonable. There could be room for comprimise that will make both of you happy. Wait to see how things play out.

 

Although I am not in your situation where I have been close to my bf for an amount of time, you must be open to possible compromise if he truely means a lot to you. (My bf and I meet online so our closeness is only limited to visits, for the time being.) Long distance relationship is definatley not for everyone. I would not go through what I am for anyone else but my bf (him specifically, there is just something about him). Is he worth the possible hardship you may have to go through for a period of time? Would you be willing to move to where his family moves if life's oppertunity is better for him there money wise, thus possibly benefiting both of you in a future together? Would he be willing to stay with you where you are, but with your understanding he may need to go from time to time? There is a lot of what-ifs, but I say don't worry too much about them yet because they have not come yet. Voice concerns with one another, but don't give him ultimatums just yet.

[Guest]

I am close with my family but i would not follow them i dont think if they moved so far where i would have to change jobs and possibly give up the person i can share a life with. Is it crazy for me to stick around?--he seems pretty strong minded--what will make him change his mind to come back to me in the end if his family stays there? I feel as though i will regret it for years to come if i end it now because i am not playing it out naturally but instead thinking of cutting my losses fast because i am afraid of what will happen (me getting hurt in the end and losing my first love). If i end it now..i will wonder- what if i stood by him and he saw i am in this with him or what if he doesn't go for some reason. My parents said if after all this i do get hurt--then atleast i will know it just wasn't meant to be and i can go on with my life with peace in mind and my heart and not look back with regrets of what if i did this or this because you just never know.

What do you think? need support but more importantly honesty.