Same story again, and I am so sad. Wife wants out.

[Dehl]

Here it is again folks. I am 46, my wife is 43.

Both my wife and myself are in recovery. We have 13 years clean and sober. I always thought we lived our lives with honesty and integrity. I trusted her soo much and rarely, if ever, have I lied to her. I have always placed the needs of her and my kids ahead of my own. I have been ok with this. I see myself as a gentle man and a strong provider.

 

We have had what I thought was a good marriage, but my assumption has always been that marriage takes hard work. Some days are better than others, some years are better than others. We have been married for 11 years, and have two wonderful daughters, 8 and five. I am most sad for my little girls whom I love so very much.

 

10 weeks ago, she tells me she wants me to move out.

I am crushed. I thought I would live with her all of my days.

I had never been married before nor have any other children.

 

I have been staying at different hotels here for the last 10 weeks and can't get myself to rent a place. To me, it would mean the end of our marriage.

At first I was extremely depressed and I know I fluctuate between sadness and anger. Maybe this is the process. Perhaps acceptance will be next.

 

We are both going to counseling individually and as a couple. There are days when my hopes are up, others when I walk around like a zombie.

 

She has told me that she has had some relations with other men, but only since we split. But it took her 8 weeks to tell me this. She lied to me for the first 2 months. I suppose partly out of guilt and partly because perhaps she wasn't sure if she wanted our marriage to end. Now I have found personal ads that she has posted describing our life together for the last 10 years, but looking for another man to replace me.

 

I know lots of you have gone through this, but it hurts so much. I know that I must get a place, get myself together for my girls and start getting on with my life. It is so hard. It is so hard for me without drugs and alcohol. This is the most painful moment of my life and I feel so lost.

 

I keep wishing another woman would come into my life that was nurturing and loving to help take this pain away. Yet I know this would only be temporary and unfair to whomever she was. In addition to the fact that I am really s***ty company right now. Who would find the things attractive about me that my wife once did?

 

I know I need to get my life together and move on, but it is so f***ing hard. I have never cried so much in my life.

 

 

Thanks for listening.

[debs]

I extend my hand and say walk with all of us who have been down this painful path!

Acknowledging it is a process is a positive step. I can see how easily it would be to drink or take drugs to dull the pain. But this is the worst of the pain and it does get better. Believe in yourself and your girls!

In a year this will be a vivid memory but you will be stronger having gone through it and experiencing the emotions and effectively dealing with them!

Hang on to the hope you will get through this and know all of us have been through this and we did survive even in view our hearts were ripped out of our chests and stomped on!

[Dehl]

Thanks debs. I am so glad I found this site. Talking to some of my friends about this can be so humiliating.

My counselor tells me I am a stand-up guy for not cutting off her support, going to couples therapy and being there for my children.

 

I sure don't feel like a very good guy.

[debs]

Fell much like a stand up guy at this point! I will say this to help you with your future. Please deal effectively with the emotions and when the time comes Please let the anger and bitterness go! It will hold you back from enjoying life as you emerge from the coccoon your in right now! We as humans use various defense mechanisms so as no one will be allowed to hurt us further. It is time hun to get the new place and to accept defeat. You won't change her mind as her decision has already been made.

I am 2 and 1/2 years past and I still could kick myself sometimes for allowing far more than I ever would have! But I did let it go and am far happier and much better off than I thought possible! I am finally going to move from the place that was "ours". I now know it is too painful to stay there any longer!

Your days and nights are going to be filled with haunting thoughts of shoulda woulda coulda! We also punish ourselves for things that are totally out of comtrol! Be kind to yourself hun and know we walked the path before you and will help anyway we can!

Just let us know!

[debs]

but do give yourself time. It will and does get better!

[Gunny376]

a process ~ a learning event, a time that calls for introspection ~ and examination of the heart, your mind, you values, your .................everything. Where to go from here, what to put in ~ what to leave out. Its a time of coming to grip with your own reality ~ and reality has teeth that will most definately bite you in your ass!

 

Its about letting go of the fallacies, the myths, the lies of life ~ its about growing up! And, getting real. Its about learning what works and what doesn't work!

 

Its coming to the realization that what you need to do to save the marriage ~ is what you should have been doing from day one. And, now its too late. Too much water over the damn and under the bridge.

 

The biggest problem is beating yourself up over that. Chlll. You like I probally had less than 50% of what you needed to pull it off to begin with. Nothing in life prepares you for marriage.

[Lollie72]

Thanks debs. I am so glad I found this site. Talking to some of my friends about this can be so humiliating.

My counselor tells me I am a stand-up guy for not cutting off her support, going to couples therapy and being there for my children.

 

I sure don't feel like a very good guy.

 

Then what unacceptable behaviour is she exhibiting that your ACCEPTING?

[Lollie72]

Whether or not you are in recovery for yourself in AA, you qualify for the other rooms. Hint, hint. The phrase is your a double winner so feel free to try the second program for friends and families of A's. ....

[jmargel]

What exactly has caused her to want out of the marriage? Is she placing all the blame on you? If so that's a sign of immaturity on her part. Has she been the one that has been calling all the shots during the marriage? Maybe you posted before about your situation if you did I will search for it.

 

Glad you two are still going to couple's counseling. That is still a big plus. Even though she may waver day to day on her decision actions speak louder than words. She will soon realize that grass is only greener on the other side of the fence until you start stepping in the dog-sh*t. Also look up the 5 stages of grief, it sounds like this is something you are going through.

[Lollie72]

What exactly has caused her to want out of the marriage? Is she placing all the blame on you? If so that's a sign of immaturity on her part. Has she been the one that has been calling all the shots during the marriage? Maybe you posted before about your situation if you did I will search for it.

 

Glad you two are still going to couple's counseling. That is still a big plus. Even though she may waver day to day on her decision actions speak louder than words. She will soon realize that grass is only greener on the other side of the fence until you start stepping in the dog-sh*t. Also look up the 5 stages of grief, it sounds like this is something you are going through.

 

Thanks for be inquisitive, that's how the philosophers solved dilemmas.

[reddog63]

Here it is again folks. I am 46, my wife is 43.

Both my wife and myself are in recovery. We have 13 years clean and sober. I always thought we lived our lives with honesty and integrity. I trusted her soo much and rarely, if ever, have I lied to her. I have always placed the needs of her and my kids ahead of my own. I have been ok with this. I see myself as a gentle man and a strong provider.

 

We have had what I thought was a good marriage, but my assumption has always been that marriage takes hard work. Some days are better than others, some years are better than others. We have been married for 11 years, and have two wonderful daughters, 8 and five. I am most sad for my little girls whom I love so very much.

 

10 weeks ago, she tells me she wants me to move out.

I am crushed. I thought I would live with her all of my days.

I had never been married before nor have any other children.

 

I have been staying at different hotels here for the last 10 weeks and can't get myself to rent a place. To me, it would mean the end of our marriage.

At first I was extremely depressed and I know I fluctuate between sadness and anger. Maybe this is the process. Perhaps acceptance will be next.

 

We are both going to counseling individually and as a couple. There are days when my hopes are up, others when I walk around like a zombie.

 

She has told me that she has had some relations with other men, but only since we split. But it took her 8 weeks to tell me this. She lied to me for the first 2 months. I suppose partly out of guilt and partly because perhaps she wasn't sure if she wanted our marriage to end. Now I have found personal ads that she has posted describing our life together for the last 10 years, but looking for another man to replace me.

 

I know lots of you have gone through this, but it hurts so much. I know that I must get a place, get myself together for my girls and start getting on with my life. It is so hard. It is so hard for me without drugs and alcohol. This is the most painful moment of my life and I feel so lost.

 

I keep wishing another woman would come into my life that was nurturing and loving to help take this pain away. Yet I know this would only be temporary and unfair to whomever she was. In addition to the fact that I am really s***ty company right now. Who would find the things attractive about me that my wife once did?

 

I know I need to get my life together and move on, but it is so f***ing hard. I have never cried so much in my life.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for listening.

 

 

You should check out marriagebuilders.com. From all I read and from common sense.............she wants out of the marriage???, then tell her ass to go find a place to live. From a legal standpoint, I understand that you are making a mistake by moving out. You should move back home. You also need to be documenting everything........

[Dehl]

In California, it does not matter whom lives where.

Everything is 50/50 from the time you married till the time I was asked to move out.

 

Money is not the issue.

 

She has fallen out of love with me. She has been dishonest. She has not broken up with me the way I would have done it with her.

 

LOL. I am trying to control the way she feels. That is ridiculous and a total waste of time and energy.

 

She has called a lot of the shots in our marriage. She fired the final shot I guess. The problem is it was straight into my heart.

 

The thing is, I feel like I still lover her. I do not understand if this is just because I can no longer have her.

 

We are still going to counseling, but it seems like we are farther away from each other.

 

It has been 3 months now. At first, just sadness. Now sadness and anger.

 

Will the acceptance of my reality that Gunny talks about happen.

 

I hope so. I am not enjoying my life in any way right now.

 

Anybody want to have dinner in San Francisco?

I could so use the affection of a woman.

[Blazelet]

Dehl -

 

I would avoid hanging out with sympathetic or otherwise affectionate women until the divorce is final, you don't know what will happen and you're technically stilll with your wife ... I'd take the high road even though it feels bad, in the end you'll feel better for it.

 

Please please don't blame yourself for what your wife has done. I found myself blaming myself a lot for what my wife did to me, because it's easier to deal with if I think it's my fault ... I can fix myself, I can't control her. She has made a choice, the fact she has already moved on to other men should be a significant statement for you.

 

You still love her, that's normal - love doesn't just evaporate, it takes time. For now, make yourself busy. Spend lots of time with friends and loved ones, if you are short on those then find groups to join. Do things that make you laugh, exercise a lot ... use this as a chance to improve yourself, as Gunny pushes.

 

And lastly - realize that whatever happens, you will without a doubt be happy again.

 

Ryan