Doing wrong in engagement....

[francesca]

Oh gosh, here's my story... the Reader's Digest version, hoping someone can slap me in the right direction.

 

I met a guy (Bob, not his real name) 1.5 yrs ago in cyberspace while dating by boyfriend, we met and hit if off wonderfully. It was definetetly a firework romance. He was going through a long divorce with 3 children and I was unhappy in my relationship. We dated a while but he always had a hard time with me and my live-in boyfriend and so did I.

 

We stopped seeing one another and last summer my live-in boyfriend moved out on my request of trying to get my head straigtened out. Told Bob I was single again, but never got back together.

 

In January got back together with old-boyfriend who is now my Fiancee and lives here again.

 

Meet up with Bob at a community gathering in the spring and hit if off again, this time he knew I was engaged, but we couldn't stay apart. Seeing each other several times a month and have a wonderful time, even had a weekend together in Vegas.

 

He won't tell me what to do, and that's what I need. I really like him a lot, the sex is the BEST I ever had in my whole life!

 

He has his issues, still going through a divorce, 3 kids, and trying to get his music on the charts, he does have a full-time reputable job, eventhough he's 36 and lives at home since his wife took everything.

 

I am 32, educated (you would think, I wouldn't let this happen) secure well-paying career and childless.

 

He says I am co-dependent and couldn't be on my own, yes that's true, with no family here. He said he was that way in his marriage, but learned self-dependance, he has his family and children for mental support, I don't. I like having the securety and assistance of my finacee who does treat me like a queen, but the sex is horrible, I find every excuse in the book to avoid it.

 

We will have a wonderful roundevous, then I won't hear from him for a least a week, he says it's to sort things out in his mind, I can understand and I back off. He doesn't share his feelings very easily, nor do I, and it's really hard to read him.

 

We've tried just being friends, but the chemistry always brings us together bear. I am not on any birth contol methods and it seems to me that he doesn't seem to care about getting me pregnant, fiancee had vasectomy. It appears that he would like to get me pregnant for some reason. ?? This week I had to go to Planned Parenthood for EPC's for fear that I was pregnant. I would be honored to have his baby, but these are not the right circumstances. My fiancee is against kids, and I am undecided still.

 

What am I crazy?? What should I do? Please advise....

[Miss Mojo]

hi francesca,

 

this isn't something you'd read in the reader's digest. you'd watch this on 'the bold and beautiful'.

 

now, you came here for an objective point of view. well, here it is.....THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!

 

why on earth are you still with your fiancee when:

 

- you can't even stand having sex with him

 

- you have feelings for another guy

 

- your husband has had a vasectomy and you are having unprotected sex with someone else

 

- you are strining your fiancee along

 

you are cheating yourself of happiness by staying with a guy you are not happy with and you are cheating your fiancee of happiness by staying with him.

 

i think what you need is a bex and a good lie down. you also need to be on your own for a short while and probably get a referral to a counsellor to deal with your issue of co-dependancy.

 

this situation is going to blow up in your face and it's going to be very ugly when it does. obviously neither of these guys are good for you.

 

try and get the courage to walk away and get out of this god-awful mess before it slaps you in the face.

 

it's about time you focused on creating your own happiness instead of relying on someone else to do it for you.

 

best wishes

[Tony T]

I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole. You are so confused, it's pathetic. Neither one of these guys is good for you. Take control of that biological clock that's ticking or it will ruin your life forever.

 

Neither of these relationships is good for you. Your finance has problems with hair on them, your paramour is all tied up in a divorce and cheats with engaged women (you admit in your post he has issues...boy is that the pot calling the kettle black), and there's you, confused as hell...cheating on your fiance, not knowing up from down.

 

Get away from both of these guys...cut the ties neat and clean. You are absolutely nuts, crazy as hell, to be having sex now with no birth control. You call yourself educated but I don't think so. Of course, I'm not a female so I don't know how that reproductive mandate can take over one's mind...but I don't think it has that much power.

 

Go find yourself a guy you're happy with, who satisfies you in ways you require, who is not going through a divorce, who is financially and emotionally stable.

 

Go take a cold shower, real cold, and get your wits about you. What you are doing now can mess your life up forever. You don't want that to happen.

 

Please learn assertiveness, communication techniques, and work on a touch of morals and ethics while you're at it. And if you need a baby this week, do some babysitting or apply to adopt.

[midori]

I agree with Tony & Miss Mojo 100%. You're in the middle of a very messed up situation. The the conscious possibility of "accidentally" getting pregnant (you're not kidding anyone with that -- are you really kidding yourself?) ought to tell you that you have got MAJOR issues that you should address -- alone. Getting pregnant would be so manipulative. If you don't want to get married to your fiance, break up with him -- don't create another human being (!!!) so that your fiance will be forced to break up with you! This advice from Tony is especially appropriate:

And if you need a baby this week, do some babysitting or apply to adopt.

How much do you actually know about the tedious, constant requirements of a baby? They are beautiful, wondrous beings but they are very hard work and can be very isolating for a mother on her own. If you lack the courage to end an unsatisfying relationship, how could you possibly think to become a mother (one who would likely have to raise the child on her own)?

 

Good grief. Educated or not you seem to lack even a grain of common sense. Please think about what you're doing. Is this what you want? You need to be able to be happy on your own before you'll be able to create lasting happiness with another person ... and I seriously doubt that you'd find that with either man.

[francesca]

Thank you for your feedback!

hi francesca, this isn't something you'd read in the reader's digest. you'd watch this on 'the bold and beautiful'.

 

now, you came here for an objective point of view. well, here it is.....THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!

 

why on earth are you still with your fiancee when: - you can't even stand having sex with him

 

- you have feelings for another guy - your husband has had a vasectomy and you are having unprotected sex with someone else - you are strining your fiancee along you are cheating yourself of happiness by staying with a guy you are not happy with and you are cheating your fiancee of happiness by staying with him. i think what you need is a bex and a good lie down. you also need to be on your own for a short while and probably get a referral to a counsellor to deal with your issue of co-dependancy.

 

this situation is going to blow up in your face and it's going to be very ugly when it does. obviously neither of these guys are good for you.

 

try and get the courage to walk away and get out of this god-awful mess before it slaps you in the face. it's about time you focused on creating your own happiness instead of relying on someone else to do it for you. best wishes

[francesca]

Thank you for your advise!

I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole. You are so confused, it's pathetic. Neither one of these guys is good for you. Take control of that biological clock that's ticking or it will ruin your life forever. Neither of these relationships is good for you. Your finance has problems with hair on them, your paramour is all tied up in a divorce and cheats with engaged women (you admit in your post he has issues...boy is that the pot calling the kettle black), and there's you, confused as hell...cheating on your fiance, not knowing up from down. Get away from both of these guys...cut the ties neat and clean. You are absolutely nuts, crazy as hell, to be having sex now with no birth control. You call yourself educated but I don't think so. Of course, I'm not a female so I don't know how that reproductive mandate can take over one's mind...but I don't think it has that much power. Go find yourself a guy you're happy with, who satisfies you in ways you require, who is not going through a divorce, who is financially and emotionally stable. Go take a cold shower, real cold, and get your wits about you. What you are doing now can mess your life up forever. You don't want that to happen. Please learn assertiveness, communication techniques, and work on a touch of morals and ethics while you're at it. And if you need a baby this week, do some babysitting or apply to adopt.

 

[francesca]

Thank you for your truthful advise!

I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole. You are so confused, it's pathetic. Neither one of these guys is good for you. Take control of that biological clock that's ticking or it will ruin your life forever. Neither of these relationships is good for you. Your finance has problems with hair on them, your paramour is all tied up in a divorce and cheats with engaged women (you admit in your post he has issues...boy is that the pot calling the kettle black), and there's you, confused as hell...cheating on your fiance, not knowing up from down. Get away from both of these guys...cut the ties neat and clean. You are absolutely nuts, crazy as hell, to be having sex now with no birth control. You call yourself educated but I don't think so. Of course, I'm not a female so I don't know how that reproductive mandate can take over one's mind...but I don't think it has that much power. Go find yourself a guy you're happy with, who satisfies you in ways you require, who is not going through a divorce, who is financially and emotionally stable. Go take a cold shower, real cold, and get your wits about you. What you are doing now can mess your life up forever. You don't want that to happen. Please learn assertiveness, communication techniques, and work on a touch of morals and ethics while you're at it. And if you need a baby this week, do some babysitting or apply to adopt.

 

[francesca]

Tony, thanks for the truthful advise.

I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole. You are so confused, it's pathetic. Neither one of these guys is good for you. Take control of that biological clock that's ticking or it will ruin your life forever. Neither of these relationships is good for you. Your finance has problems with hair on them, your paramour is all tied up in a divorce and cheats with engaged women (you admit in your post he has issues...boy is that the pot calling the kettle black), and there's you, confused as hell...cheating on your fiance, not knowing up from down. Get away from both of these guys...cut the ties neat and clean. You are absolutely nuts, crazy as hell, to be having sex now with no birth control. You call yourself educated but I don't think so. Of course, I'm not a female so I don't know how that reproductive mandate can take over one's mind...but I don't think it has that much power. Go find yourself a guy you're happy with, who satisfies you in ways you require, who is not going through a divorce, who is financially and emotionally stable. Go take a cold shower, real cold, and get your wits about you. What you are doing now can mess your life up forever. You don't want that to happen. Please learn assertiveness, communication techniques, and work on a touch of morals and ethics while you're at it. And if you need a baby this week, do some babysitting or apply to adopt.

 

[Tony T]

You

[Tony T]

are

[Tony T]

quite

[Tony T]

welcome!!!