wife cheated and i am a wreck

[Guest]

i know her for 20 years. we are married for 17 years. we have

2 children ( 9 & 12 ). 3 weeks ago she tells me that last summer '05 she cheated on me. she went on dates, snuck around, and had sex

with him ( she says only once ). she says she does not know

why she did it ( i say that is not a good answer ). i am a complete wreck. i cannot believe it. i am crying all the time. i am constantly thinking about it. i cannot get it out of my head. inside i am dead. for the last year she has been so mean and selfish towards me hoping i would leave and never find out. but she has now told me that she is very sorry and she loves me very much and wants to move on together. i have had thoughts of suicide, leaving and running away, and trying to work it out. i have even thought of revenge cheating. i am all over the place. i feel so bad all the time. thanks for listening. any reply is appreciated.

[johnlucas]

i know her for 20 years. we are married for 17 years. we have

2 children ( 9 & 12 ). 3 weeks ago she tells me that last summer '05 she cheated on me. she went on dates, snuck around, and had sex

with him ( she says only once ). she says she does not know

why she did it ( i say that is not a good answer ). i am a complete wreck. i cannot believe it. i am crying all the time. i am constantly thinking about it. i cannot get it out of my head. inside i am dead. for the last year she has been so mean and selfish towards me hoping i would leave and never find out. but she has now told me that she is very sorry and she loves me very much and wants to move on together. i have had thoughts of suicide, leaving and running away, and trying to work it out. i have even thought of revenge cheating. i am all over the place. i feel so bad all the time. thanks for listening. any reply is appreciated.

 

Sad story here, man.

After all this time invested someone switches out on you.

People just don't seem to be reliable.

 

What I WILL tell you though is that suicide is out of the question.

Get that out your mind RIGHT now.

And I said RIGHT now.

Just because someone else screws you over doesn't mean you must lower your self-worth. Whatever your name is you need to say "I'm (your name here), dammit! I don't have to take this!" You need to claim your integrity & value. Self-Pity is for the sh*tty. Summon your strength as much as it's hurting right now. Once you pick that up all weapons formed against you will not prosper. You can cry, you can grieve but you WILL NOT let someone downgrade your worth & value.

 

People tell me my views on betrayal can be harsh & not entirely helpful so for now I'll hold off.

 

I'll leave you with this.

A post I called "The 3 Billion Rule (3,000,000,000)"

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t89191/

 

Read my logical explanation why NO PERSON has the absolute rights to your affection & that if they should forfeit their end of the bargain that there will ALWAYS be another "buyer" so to speak.

I think this is very important for people who think that the loved one who betrayed them is the only one in the world who makes you worthy of being loved.

 

Not with THIS species' overpopulation it doesn't. Ha.

Read it, 'Guest', & take care.

Times are gonna be tough knowing you have kids together but this doesn't have to ruin your life & livelyhood so don't let it.

 

John Lucas

[Chump64]

This is what I told someone else in your shoes yesterday:

 

It will take you some time to figure out what you want and you will be pissed off one minute and happy the next. It's called "the roller coaster" for a reason.

 

If she wants to work it out, he needs to come 100 percent clean, give you all pass codes / pass words, be accountable to you about his whereabouts, and basically do whatever else you need him to do to make you feel safe in the relationship.

 

I would start by questioning just about everything. Start by making an appt with a physician (test for STDs) and a counselor (for both of you), and a lawyer if you think divorce is the only way out.

 

Get into therapy, both of you. Something's broken within her and she needs to (a) find out what it is, and show you; and (b) fix it.

 

GEt a book called "Not jsut friends" ASAP. You can buy it at Amazon.

 

Good luck. You aren't alone. I've been married 18 years, found out about a 10 freaking year affair in Jan. 06 -- with a "friend" of ours. We are trying to work it out.

 

Get the suicide thoughts out of your head if at all possible. Go to a hospital ER if you need to. Call 9-11 if you need to. Above all else, take care of yoruself.

[Sup]

i know her for 20 years. we are married for 17 years. we have

2 children ( 9 & 12 ). 3 weeks ago she tells me that last summer '05 she cheated on me. she went on dates, snuck around, and had sex

with him ( she says only once ). she says she does not know

why she did it ( i say that is not a good answer ). i am a complete wreck. i cannot believe it. i am crying all the time. i am constantly thinking about it. i cannot get it out of my head. inside i am dead. for the last year she has been so mean and selfish towards me hoping i would leave and never find out. but she has now told me that she is very sorry and she loves me very much and wants to move on together. i have had thoughts of suicide, leaving and running away, and trying to work it out. i have even thought of revenge cheating. i am all over the place. i feel so bad all the time. thanks for listening. any reply is appreciated.

 

No, she's NOT sorry, otherwise she wouldn't have done it in the first place. What are you thinking of doing? And DON'T kill yourself, that won't help at all. EVEN divorce is better than that.

[Trimmer]

No, she's NOT sorry, otherwise she wouldn't have done it in the first place.

Sup, you are asserting that remorse is impossible. I disagree.

 

Original poster (guest):

My wife cheated on me 10 yrs ago. Thought we were over it, had 2 kids, and last year this time she announced that our marriage was over. Turns out she had an OM on the side, although she clamied that had nothing to do with it...

 

You are a valuable person, and you will be whole again. Among other things, you are also a father. Suicide and running away are similar - the one is even more cruel and violent than the other, but either way you would be intentionally handing your children a loss that will burden them the rest of their lives. If you have no other lifeline, rope, string, or thread to grasp, start with this one: they need you. It's the one by which I pulled myself from the whirlpool you are struggling to survive now. There is no alternative to you being a strong, capable, father, present in your childrens' lives. Commit to this truth - trust me, even if you cannot see the path to get there yet - and the rest becomes a matter of finding your way.

 

Be honest with yourself about your feelings - if the thoughts of suicide don't ease off, get yourself some help, whether 911, an emergency room, or a counselor, etc... It is not a solution for anyone.

 

This sucks; it is more painful than anything you can imagine, but it will get better. Not quickly and not all at once - I will confirm that the "roller coaster" metaphor is an appropriate one - but it does get better. At first it just feels like occasional moments, then sometimes it will ease up for an hour or two, then pretty soon, most of a whole day can feel kinda OK again. Ups and downs, but the ups are generally better, the downs usually less frequent. It's all a little hazy for quite a while...

 

Other than that, for now I echo Chump's advice, get in to see a counselor so you can unload some of your trash and start to get things straightened out in your own head. Your wife, if she is truly remorseful, is in a position where she needs to show you instead of just tell you, and this means working wholeheartedly to figure it out and make things better (this is the step I believe we skipped in our marriage, just both storing it away, and saying, OK, we'll just put it behind us and move on...)

 

And, surely this will seem like a trivial point in the middle of all this, but why don't you register and give yourself a screen name, so that we can sort of get to associate you and your story with an identity other than "guest." Plan to stay and get to know us a little bit...

[corwin]

She confessed to you when you had no other way of knowing. For that I give her much credit. It does show she is sincere in seeking a better marriage. The questions is, do you want a better marriage with her? You have every right to divorce her and no one can fault you for that.

 

If you want a better marriage or at least want to give it a chance, get into marriage counselling and have her get into individual counselling to find out why she did what she did. Don't let her off the hook just because she confessed. You both must learn the root of the problem and correct it, otherwise it may happen again.

[Guest]

Firstly I would just like to say that however you feel inside, you are not alone. Maybe it's a sign of the times but there are thousands of people going through exactly the same thing as you which means there is a lot of support and understanding available. Take strength in that my friend.

 

As for your particular circumstances, I know what complicates emotions here are the children. Is it easier to 'forgive & forget' to rebuild the family unit, or is it easier to split up and move on? Unfortunately there is no easy choice to make - both are going to be extremely painful and hard work but neither is impossible. Ultimately it has to come down to what is right for you. Your wife needs your forgiveness right now because she is feeling totally worthless and racked with guilt, but DO NOT let that be the reason for your choice. You need to make the right choice for YOU.

 

This could also be an opportunity to be completely honest and objective about your marriage. Ask yourself if she truly gave you everything you wanted from a wife prior to her infidelity, but also ask yourself if you gave her everything she wanted from a husband. Usually there are 'reasons' that people look elsewhere for affection, no matter how trivial they may seem. Although the affair is absolutely not your fault, and you should NEVER accept responsibilty for it happening, you may be able to analyse if there is anywhere you could improve if you decided to rebuild the relationship. This whole episode could be the end of the marriage, or it could be 'time out' to be completely honest with yourselves and build a better relationship with each other.

 

Whatever your choice, stay strong. Life moves on regardless.

[SueBee3490]

Yes get the thoughts of suicide out of your head - I echo other's advice in getting help through a counselor. I also felt like committing suicide when I found out my H cheated on me but the one reason I would NEVER go through with it is because of my children. I knew it would be an immense and awful pain to put on their shoulders for the rest of their lives knowing their mother committed suicide. So please think of your kids.

 

It will get easier - this is still fresh to you. You will be on that roller coaster of emotions but hang in there. Decide what is best for yourself and your kids. The ball is in your court now.

[jmargel]

i know her for 20 years. we are married for 17 years. we have

2 children ( 9 & 12 ). 3 weeks ago she tells me that last summer '05 she cheated on me. she went on dates, snuck around, and had sex

with him ( she says only once ). she says she does not know

why she did it ( i say that is not a good answer ). i am a complete wreck. i cannot believe it. i am crying all the time. i am constantly thinking about it. i cannot get it out of my head. inside i am dead. for the last year she has been so mean and selfish towards me hoping i would leave and never find out. but she has now told me that she is very sorry and she loves me very much and wants to move on together. i have had thoughts of suicide, leaving and running away, and trying to work it out. i have even thought of revenge cheating. i am all over the place. i feel so bad all the time. thanks for listening. any reply is appreciated.

 

I would highly suggest you contact a psychologist or a counselor today. Please also contact your doctor. When I found out my ex-fiancee cheated & left me I was suicidal as well. They put me on Paxil and it just seemed the counselor wasn't really interested in my situation. What saved me was a friend who I would talk to constantly. The pain hurt so much that living day to day felt unbearable. I realized over a number of months that I totally put my self-worth into her. When she left, I died. I needed to give CPR to myself (emotionally-wise).

 

Like most men we need to know what caused this because men being more rational & less emotional then women know that unless we find the root cause to this, it will always be a threat. This is where marriage counseling comes through. You won't be able to find the real 'root' reason why this happened until you have someone who is trained at asking the right questions at the right angles to get the true answers from her. This is a necessity that she comes along with you. I would make an appointment today if I were you.

 

You didn't deserve this and I don't believe she has done this to hurt you or because she doesn't love you. She came clean which is an indication that she truly loves you. Cheating back on her won't make those feelings of betrayal go away. Sounds like you have a big heart and doing that will just make you feel guilty on top of all the other feelings you have. You dont' want to do that. What she has done is wrong and though it will take alot of work to fix the foundation of your marriage it can be done, given time & the right therapy.

 

There is also not just 'one' talk, you should be able to talk to her about this at anytime and to get as much information that you feel comfortable with. Right now your biggest questions is probably 'why'? That is something you will find out and then find out ways to help you deal with the hurt. However this can only start once you call a licensed marriage counselor and get things rolling.

[Sup]

Sup, you are asserting that remorse is impossible. I disagree.

 

Original poster (guest):

My wife cheated on me 10 yrs ago. Thought we were over it, had 2 kids, and last year this time she announced that our marriage was over. Turns out she had an OM on the side, although she clamied that had nothing to do with it...

 

You are a valuable person, and you will be whole again. Among other things, you are also a father. Suicide and running away are similar - the one is even more cruel and violent than the other, but either way you would be intentionally handing your children a loss that will burden them the rest of their lives. If you have no other lifeline, rope, string, or thread to grasp, start with this one: they need you. It's the one by which I pulled myself from the whirlpool you are struggling to survive now. There is no alternative to you being a strong, capable, father, present in your childrens' lives. Commit to this truth - trust me, even if you cannot see the path to get there yet - and the rest becomes a matter of finding your way.

 

Be honest with yourself about your feelings - if the thoughts of suicide don't ease off, get yourself some help, whether 911, an emergency room, or a counselor, etc... It is not a solution for anyone.

 

This sucks; it is more painful than anything you can imagine, but it will get better. Not quickly and not all at once - I will confirm that the "roller coaster" metaphor is an appropriate one - but it does get better. At first it just feels like occasional moments, then sometimes it will ease up for an hour or two, then pretty soon, most of a whole day can feel kinda OK again. Ups and downs, but the ups are generally better, the downs usually less frequent. It's all a little hazy for quite a while...

 

Other than that, for now I echo Chump's advice, get in to see a counselor so you can unload some of your trash and start to get things straightened out in your own head. Your wife, if she is truly remorseful, is in a position where she needs to show you instead of just tell you, and this means working wholeheartedly to figure it out and make things better (this is the step I believe we skipped in our marriage, just both storing it away, and saying, OK, we'll just put it behind us and move on...)

 

And, surely this will seem like a trivial point in the middle of all this, but why don't you register and give yourself a screen name, so that we can sort of get to associate you and your story with an identity other than "guest." Plan to stay and get to know us a little bit...

 

Why then would she be nasty and hateful when SHE did this, he also claims she said she didn't know why she did this. His response is that's not a good answer. So why put someone though crap like that when she was the guilty party, to me there IS no remorse, apart from the fact she fessed up. But, then maybe it's just me.

[Trimmer]

Why then would she be nasty and hateful when SHE did this, he also claims she said she didn't know why she did this. His response is that's not a good answer. So why put someone though crap like that when she was the guilty party, to me there IS no remorse, apart from the fact she fessed up. But, then maybe it's just me.

 

Here's the timeline as I understand it: She had the affair, then was nasty and mean for about the last year, and has apparently recently changed, or seen the light, or something and has now confessed and said she's sorry and wants to make it work, but still doesn't think she knows why it happened. I'm not saying anyone is in the clear here, but I do think that if you do something bad in the past, that you can feel remorse for it in the present. If that's what you disagree with, then we'll have to agree to disagree... It sounds to me like she isn't currently continuing to be nasty and mean (maybe the OP can confirm this?) so something within her has changed, and she is now stating her sorrow and remorse.

 

So, at least with the limited information we know so far, we've got someone who behaved badly, apparently has stopped that behavior, and is now claiming to be sorry and remorseful. I just don't agree with "she did something bad, therefore, she can't be remorseful." That means remorse is impossible. Maybe that is the difference between us, I still have some hope that people can change and grow and get better, even if it might not seem very likely.

 

Now I am just as skeptical as the next guy - that's why I said if she's serious, she has to walk the walk, and I agree with the OP that "I don't know why it happened" isn't good enough - thus my statement that the lack of working through it was what ultimately brought my own marriage down. And frankly, maybe they won't be able to make it work together, but according to what you are saying, it sounds like, don't even try because her remorse can't be real... How can it ever, then? How could anyone ever start a reconciliation?

 

OP: If she is ready to do the work and walk the walk, could you imagine trying to make it work?

[Sup]

Here's the timeline as I understand it: She had the affair, then was nasty and mean for about the last year, and has apparently recently changed, or seen the light, or something and has now confessed and said she's sorry and wants to make it work, but still doesn't think she knows why it happened. I'm not saying anyone is in the clear here, but I do think that if you do something bad in the past, that you can feel remorse for it in the present. If that's what you disagree with, then we'll have to agree to disagree... It sounds to me like she isn't currently continuing to be nasty and mean (maybe the OP can confirm this?) so something within her has changed, and she is now stating her sorrow and remorse.

 

So, at least with the limited information we know so far, we've got someone who behaved badly, apparently has stopped that behavior, and is now claiming to be sorry and remorseful. I just don't agree with "she did something bad, therefore, she can't be remorseful." That means remorse is impossible. Maybe that is the difference between us, I still have some hope that people can change and grow and get better, even if it might not seem very likely.

 

Now I am just as skeptical as the next guy - that's why I said if she's serious, she has to walk the walk, and I agree with the OP that "I don't know why it happened" isn't good enough - thus my statement that the lack of working through it was what ultimately brought my own marriage down. And frankly, maybe they won't be able to make it work together, but according to what you are saying, it sounds like, don't even try because her remorse can't be real... How can it ever, then? How could anyone ever start a reconciliation?

 

OP: If she is ready to do the work and walk the walk, could you imagine trying to make it work?

 

But, it could be a case where the person just says they're sorry and really isn't (that's mainly where i'm going), this happens ALOT of the time, I'm sure you've heard of it at least a 100 times by now. In which case there is nothing to save. But I DO hope that I am wrong in this case and it can be saved, by all means, but THAT won't be easy in any case. By the way, I'm sure we're really hijacking this thread:p

[Trimmer]

But, it could be a case where the person just says they're sorry and really isn't (that's mainly where i'm going),

I totally agree, it could be - we certainly hear that often enough (again, even my own case in point); I just couldn't get on board with your certainty that she's NOT sorry, otherwise she wouldn't have done it in the first place... I hope for them that something has turned her around, and although they have a big job ahead of them, that they may actually be starting out from someplace genuine. Maybe...

 

OP (guest) - tell us what's going on - how are things today? Tell us more...

[Sup]

I totally agree, it could be - we certainly hear that often enough (again, even my own case in point); I just couldn't get on board with your certainty that she's NOT sorry, otherwise she wouldn't have done it in the first place... I hope for them that something has turned her around, and although they have a big job ahead of them, that they may actually be starting out from someplace genuine. Maybe...

 

OP (guest) - tell us what's going on - how are things today? Tell us more...

 

At least we agree on something, well good night!

[Piratesmate]

Please don't consider suicide.

I already tried it and failed when my first husband of 17+ years informed me he was the proud papa of my (or who I thought) best friends son!

Three days later I tried to end it with whatever pills I could find.

That was an awful experience and more awful to have your stomach pumped!

Don't try it. She isn't worth it.

 

What I do see is that the affair must have been bothering her and she felt she needed to inform you from what I guess is because she loves you and wants to save the marriage.

Please get into counseling.

I feel she loves you and wants the marriage to work.

 

Believe me, I know how you are feeling inside. I'm going through a cheating spouse situation right now.

 

hang in there and don't give up.