Friends 2 Lovers 2 What?

[Guest]

I'm sure I already know the answer to my questions; I think I'm hoping against hope that I'm wrong and that somewhere in my story someone will see the glaring "proof" that my "friend" is just scared or whatever and I just need to be patient.

 

I was married to an abusive man for the past ten years. During this time we were friends with another couple. Because my husband would get mad if I ever called him if my car broke down, etc., at their suggestion, I would call them and he (I'll call him "The Good Guy" so you don't get confused) would come to my rescue.

 

A few years ago they decided they were no longer interested in having anything to do with my husband but I kept in contact with them on a very limited basis. Then, once I filed for divorce they started inviting me to family gatherings and parties, etc., again.

 

A few months after I filed, I got a phone call from Mr. Good Guy asking me for divorce advice. Apparently he caught his wife cheating on him and he was filing for divorce. I knew their marriage wasn't exactly on solid ground, but I was surprised since it was better than my marriage. His wife never contacted me, just him.

 

I gave him some information based on what I had been through so far. We also decided that we would get together with our kids during his visitation time and let them play while we commiserated about our problems. My husband also cheated on me - so we had a few things in common.

 

A few weeks later he was moved out of their house and into his new place. We were going to meet for a drink and I went to his place and then we went to a sports bar. We talked about our soon-2-b-ex's and our marriages. We laughed and toasted to our new freedom and finally having the courage to walk away...and it was just nice.

 

When we got back to his place he invited me in, but I declined. I needed to get home to my kids and it was late. I had to work the next day. And...I wasn't sure if I was reading his signals right. He seemed like he might want to get together, but I wasn't sure. And I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Part of me thought FWB would be perfect for me right now, I don't want a real relationship, but I would love to just have a soft place to fall and relax and get away from the stresses of life.

 

About a week later we met at a local pizza place and let the kids run all over the place being crazy. We didn't get to spend much time together, because we both have little one's and they kept us on our toes. He made a few comments here and there about my physical appearance; you know, like pointing out that this guy or that guy was checking me out and I'd say "oh, yeah, I look really appealing to men when I'm all sweaty and chasing a toddler all over the place!" And he would say, "What are you talking about? You're totally hot!" So, I'm still wondering if he's just saying that as "my friend" or if he's hinting that he's interested.

 

So, on our way out he asked me if I wanted to go check out a band at a local club the following week since neither of us would have our kids that night. I said sure and he said he'd call me. He then called to confirm and asked what time he should pick me up...well, then I figured I wasn't reading him wrong, otherwise he would have suggested we meet at the place.

 

So we go to the show, and it's fun. He's buying all my drinks. Won't let me pay for anything. We have good conversation when we can hear each other and by the end of the night we are holding hands...and we kiss. And it's wonderful! And we even joke about what all of our mutual friends would think and what our exes would think because no one would have ever seen this coming, blah blah blah.

 

He drives me home and when we get there and we're kissing goodbye, he asked me if I was going to invite him in. I said no. My kids were there with my sister by then and I didn't think it was a good idea. So, he asked if I wanted to come back to his place. And I really, really did. Part of me wanted to say no because it's really only our third date - and only the first time I was sure it was a date - but, we talked about that and agreed that since we've known each other for so long, it really wasn't too soon.

 

So, we went back to his place. And it was hot, and heavy and...he couldn't get aroused. There we were completely naked and ... he had been "servicing me" for like an hour...and he couldn't do it. So, I made a joke about finally being the one to get satisfied because usually it's a woman who doesn't end up satisfied ... hoping to make him feel less embarrassed about it.

 

The next night we got together again. Everything was hot and heavy and ... it happened AGAIN. I think he was mortified at this point and said that it had never happened to him before. I told him it was probably because of who we were. We've spent the last 10 years seeing each other with our exes. We'd never seen each other in this light before.

 

He goes on to tell me that I have been his "fantasy girl" since the first time he met me. This absolutely shocked me because I had NEVER felt anything like that from him. He said he couldn't believe I couldn't tell. He used to come over to watch football with my husband and he said he could swear we could both hear his heart pounding every time I walked in the room. So, now, I'm pretty flattered to say the least.

 

So, we keep kissing and eventually, he's able to maintain his erection and we finally have sex. And afterwards...yep, we laid there and talked for the next couple of hours. About lots of things, and nothing. Just stuff. All the while caressing each others skin. It's everything it never was with my husband or anyone else. It's awesome.

 

Well, I'm not stupid and I understand that he's just gotten out of a relationship that he was burned in pretty bad. I'd been out of mine longer, but I was also very out of love by the time I did it, so I was more concerned with his emotional well being than mine and I told him that I didn't want him to think that just because we were having sex that he couldn't keep his dating options open. I know everyone has a rebound relationship and at this point I'm thinking...what a great rebound...someone you can share everything with...and still be friends when it's time to move on. But he gets serious and tells me he doesn't want to be with anyone else and asked if I did. I told him I'm a monagamous person by nature, but I know men aren't and I was trying to give him an out so he didn't feel awkward. He said he didn't want an out; he wanted to be with me.

 

Okay...I swear this story is almost over...I know it's long but I wanted you to hear all the important details because I'm not sure anyone can really give an opinion of what's going on if I don't.

 

So, we continue to go on wonderful dates out to dinner etc., he treated me to the best birthday I have ever had in my whole life. The sex was getting better and better. It seemed like we were so comfortable with each other that we could just let go and enjoy sex like we had never done before. We both commented several times on how it had never been this good with anyone before. The sex went on for three to five hours at a time. Even when he would finish he would go back to just pleasuring me, over and over and over. I was so spoiled. And when we talked about it he would tell me that I deserve to be spoiled. Anyone who wouldn't spoil me was stupid. It was like he had me on this pedestal and just loved being with me. Even all of his friends and family were commenting on how happy he was.

 

Then, out of the blue...he called and told me that he thought we needed to cool it. He just didn't want to get serious right now.

 

I was absolutely FLOORED. In every relationship I had ever been in I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and this time...I hadn't even considered there were shoes. I was absolutely blind-sided and I have to admit, I did not handle it very well. We ended up having our very first argument with that. It took a couple of days before I finally told him I was sorry that I reacted so poorly. That obviously he was right that we were getting too serious based on how his ending it affected me. He thanked me for understanding...and we kind of went our separate ways.

 

The void I felt was huge. I missed my "friend". I missed being able to call him and just tell him a funny thing one of the kids said or did. Or see if he was watching the same tv show I was and laugh about what was said. I missed getting together with the kids at the park and watching them run all over the place while we stole a kiss here or there because we weren't letting them know we were seeing each other yet. I missed the intimacy of the sex. He was so wonderful and sweet...and sexy at the same time.

 

Then one day he sent me a text message and asked how I was doing. We went back and forth a bit and I thought he was trying to get our communication back on track because he was feeling the same void...but then all of the sudden he told me to let him know if I ever wanted to get together for sex. Bold as bold could be. I was so stunned. This is NOT the person I've known for ten years and it is NOT the person I had just spent the last six weeks with. It made me feel so mad that I told him that he obviously didn't really care about me and just wanted to get laid so to just never contact me again.

 

And he didn't. Of course, I'm confused as hell and going over every detail of everything trying to see the clues I missed that he's really just a jerk, and I'm just sick about it. Not that I'm in "love", this is really different. Take the sex out of it, and it's the feeling I would have if my best female friend of 20 years just out of the blue was no longer my friend any more. I just can't reconcile it within myself.

 

So, I send him an email one day and ask him to please tell me that it's the circumstances and the not talking face-to-face that is giving me the impression that he is someone different from the person I thought I knew. He wrote back telling me that one day I think he's an a'hole and then I miss him and to never contact him again.

 

I wrote him back telling him that of course he's getting mixed messages from me, I'm responding to his mixed messages and I don't understand what's going on. But, he ignores my email and I don't hear from him.

 

So, a few days later it's his birthday and I send him an email that says nothing more than Happy Birthday. No response.

 

A few weeks later I send him an email telling him that we both handled things wrong and I miss my friend and can't we please just fix it. No response.

 

A few weeks later I send him an email (I know, I know - it's just next to impossible for me to believe he's an a-hole after all these years...even his friends are surprised at the way he's acting because no one has ever seen him like this!)

 

This last email said "C'mon, quit being a weenie and just love me, you know you want to!"

 

Finally, a response. He wants to know if what I'm saying is that I want to come over for a booty call. I tell him No. That I want to fix our friendship. (Not wanting the communcation to end at this point...I go along with his sex stuff though) But, that if sex ends up being a part of our friendship, that's fine, but I really just miss having my friend in my life.

 

He stays on the sex path. Later that night he wanted to know what time I was coming over. I was shocked (not sure why I'm still shocked at this), but I told him that I couldn't because I didn't have a sitter.

 

So, now I decide that if he's going to continue to play himself as an a-hole, so will I. So, I contact him later in the week to set up a sex date...and then, I call to cancel at the last minute. And then, I just quit contacting him altogether.

 

Then, he contacts me about something real, not sex related. And we talk and it's nice. It's so good to hear his voice and he sounded like "The Good Guy" I had always known. We have a couple of other basic conversations that have nothing to do with sex over the next couple of days or so...not every day, but over the course of about a week.

 

And then, after talking to him one afternoon I was talking to him and I was kind of depressed because there are alot of things going on in my life and it was just feeling overwhelming. I didn't talk to him about the things (nothing to do with him, though) I just told him it was one of those days. He ended the call telling me he was sorry I wasn't having a good day and to keep my chin up.

 

Then, later that night he called to see if I was feeling better. And I was. He asked me if I wanted some company...and my heart about jumped out of my chest. So, I said yes. He came over. One thing lead to another. Yep. The sex was great. In fact, it was even better than it had been before...I didn't think that could happen. But, well, it was. And we laid in bed for about an hour or so after that talking about the time apart. That it felt like there was a void. That we were both glad that we weren't fighting anymore. Talked about our kids. Work. Family stuff. It was so nice.

 

He got dressed. I walked him to the door. He turned to me and kissed me very passionately, holding me very tight. And he said he would call me and told me to have sweet dreams. He left...and that was two days ago.

 

I haven't gotten a phone call. I haven't gotten a text message. I haven't gotten an email. Nothing.

 

After all that...your opinions on what is going on with him are welcome.

 

And here are my questions.

 

If all he wanted was to get laid, why didn't he just say "cool" when I told him to keep his dating options open in the beginning?

 

If he didn't know how to say he just wanted to get laid, or was too shy...what could have happened in six wonderful weeks that made him turn so bold and he has no problem saying it now?

 

And, if this whole thing has been one long booty call, why would he choose someone he's known for so long, knowing it would ruin the friendship.

 

Oh, and, after being such a "shoulder to cry on" for ten years and being so appalled at how my husband would treat me and the kids...and at times wanting to just go knock the hell out of my husband...WHY and HOW could he just use me like this?

 

He could have just had FWB; I would never have gotten my feelings involved. But, he seemed so vulnerable and needing someone to make him feel important and wanted. He was the one who wanted monagamy. He asked for it. He even got upset once when I told him about this weird dream I had with him and my ex in it (when we had ALWAYS been talking about our ex's and the relationship stuff and he'd never seemed jealous before). He didn't understand why I would be dreaming about him if I didn't want to be with him. He admitted it made him a little jealous. So, I really believed he was falling for me.

 

Okay, I'll shut up now and if any of you are still awake, and don't want to climb through this computer and hit me in the head with the "duh, get a clue woman" club...please, I'm going crazy here...tell me what you think. What I should do.

[annapple]

This guy sounds like he doesn't know what the heck he wants. I'm almost as confounded by his behavior as you are. But it's never a good idea to get into another relationship so quickly after a divorce. He probably wasn't lying about you being his "fantasy girl." He probably wanted to have sex with you for years. And once he finally got what he wanted, he split. It could be that he was always a cad, and now that he's single and free he showed his true colors again. If I were you I would definitely put this guy out of my mind for good. Don't contact him in anyway and just move on with your life. What goes around comes around.

[SweetAndKinky]

I was a guest, so now I have an account...so it's me replying to the post above.

 

I kind of felt that he was sooo into me that it scared him. I have strong feelings for him, too. But I'm well aware that we would probably never actually make it as a "forever couple". But, hey, while we are both going through this transition time in our lives, I think it's okay to share intense emotional feelings as well as the sex because we are friends and hopefully committed to staying that way. To me, it seems like this would be the best way to have a rebound relationship without bringing strangers into the mix and you know you will end up hurting a stranger, where - we'll still be friends. At least...in theory.

 

There is a TON of chemistry between us. I've discovered a sex drive that I've never had in my entire life and our sexual encounters have been the absolute most crazy and explosive moments I've ever shared with anyone. I'm feeling sensations I didn't know my body was capable of feeling. I'd read about them, but I just assumed that it was a bunch of crap to sell a story...the sex with him is soooo amazing...I can't even really find the words to describe it.

 

It's so good that even though I have some uneasy emotional feelings here and they're for various reasons (which I'll share if anyone is interested, just ask)...it's worth it to feel something so incredible. At least for now.

 

We have started talking a little more and we did get together the other night. The sex was even better this time than before the little separation period and I didn't think it could get any better. But, it did. It was so bizarre! I just don't know how to explain it. But, we just got together strictly for the sex. He didn't come over early and hang out to watch a movie or anything. It seems like the dating that we were doing before isn't going to be a part of it anymore. That sort of makes it feel cheap...and like he's lost his respect for me as a friend once we started having sex.

[dancehead]

Wow that a story. Sorry for how this guy has confused and treated you. I don't quite understand it either. All I can think is that some guys just get a kick out of chasing and dating a woman until the point where they have a firm commitment and then they don't know what to do. Or they have what they want and the challenge over. Its worrying that while married to his wife he always fancied you. It makes him a bit untrustworthy. They might have seen something in you that they didn't see before that put him off, that they didn't see blinded by all the passion. In other words reality kicks in? I think for him to be such a friend for you and support over your husband and then to go and be such an a hole to you himself afterwards shows he was never really such a nice guy after all. Or perhaps he really has no clue what he wants anymore. He obviously loves the sex side with you. I feel for you because i know what it feels like to be with someone where the sex is so good you can't believe what you have been missing. I think sometimes I will never have sex as good ever again as with my ex FWB. But this is probably rubbish because just as we met them, the new sexual you has been awaken and you can find it with somebody else who is just as good as them. Good luck and I hope it works out ok. Post back on here when ever you need to get things off your chest.

[Rossco]

Wow, your story sounds SO much like mine! A long time friend moved back into town about a year ago. Me and my ex and him and his ex would all hang out just about every weekend. He doesn't have any kids, but knew mine as they were growing up and was always like an "uncle" to them. We started hanging out as friends again and I even tried to fix him up with my girlfriends, but he never seemed interested. After ahwile, a couple of different mutual friends of ours said he had a crush on me. Slowly we became closer, but he let me know that he was scared of being in a serious relationship right now (and so was I... at first) so we agreed to always stay friends no matter what happend. I spent the night with him on New Years Eve and many times after that and it was always great, but he doesn't call me as much as he use to... just to talk. I'm not sure if he's just scared or he feels guilty because he's my ex- husbands good friend. Or he's wondering what my kids would think of us being together...or what? I pretty much knew we were doomed once we started having sex, but I'll never regret it. When I run into him now, we always give each other a big hug. I really do want us to always be friends and for him to be happy even if (for now) it's not with me.