Porn in Marriage!

[KOTG]

This particular subject has been beat to death but i have an opinion and i am going to voice it!

 

I am sick and tired of all the women who constantly complain about men and porn, now i'm not talking about people who have serious issues but someone like myself, i work away from home for 3 weeks at a time. Porn is a way i use to relieve myself, and guess what ladies, it most often is after thinking of my wife at home alone in bed, but because i am a man, and i am visually stimulated, it is very easy to open a magazine and pull the goalie.

 

I consider myself to be very lucky, although my wife had never seen pornography before we met, it is now a part of our healthy sexual relationship and i would be hard pressed for someone to convince me that it is somehow bad, or wrong.

 

Men are visual, we need visual stimulation in order to get excited(once we are past puberty)before then, anything works. Women are emotionally stimulated, which is why alot of women read romance novels. The ideas and actions protrayed in these novels are stimulating to women and allow them to imagine a scene filled with romance and tenderness, things us men can sometimes be void of. Imagine if your husband accused you of cheating because you read a romance novel and became emotionally stimulated, how would that make you feel, i know how my wife would react.

 

I know this isn't going to be a popular opinion but after lurking on here for a few months i have come to the conclusion that either i am exceptionally lucky that i have an open, self confident, wife who knows that i love her, i love the stretchmarks on her belly that bore my children, i love her slowly sagging boobs that nursed both my children, and i particularily love her brain, and the way she challenges me.

 

And i know for a fact that when i come home from 3 weeks away and i know she has just worked a 12 hour shift and is baely awake that as much as i would like to pester her and convince her to have sex with me(cause i know exactly which buttons to push)instead after staring at her naked sleeping body for a short time i will remove myself to the bathroom, remove a magazine from the rack and take care of business.

 

I don't wish to replace my wife with a woman from a magazine, nor do i compare her to the women in magazines. I happen to love a naked female body, hers most of all, but when she is feeling bloated and crappy, and dosen't want me to see it or touch it, i have other alternatives and she is more than okay with that.

 

My name is Mike, i like porn, but i don't have a problem, i just have a women who is confident enough in herself to not feel threatened by a picture in a magazine or on the internet!

[Adunaphel]

Thank you for sharing your opinion.

You are a lucky man, as you put it. Good for you.

I am just surprised that you are so bothered by women who complain about porn. Do not let yourself to be bothered. Enjoy your good luck, and just do not read porn threads.

[Woggle]

What women don't get about men is that many of these that men enjoy are just meaningless fantasy. Nothing more and nothing less.

[Guitar Wizard]

Porn is the male equivalent to romance novels.

[Outcast]

I blame it on some sort of hideous epidemic of insecurity and mistrust that seems to have affected frightengly high numbers of women. Then again, as the 'wedding ring' thread shows, probably every woman has been hit on by married men she knows, including men married to her own friends, so I guess the fear of infidelity has at least some basis.

 

So men, if you don't want to be bugged by your women, prevail upon your brethren to honour their vows. Don't take an 'everybody does it ha ha' approach to infidelity. When your pals tell you about the women they're screwing outside marriage, don't congratulate them or cheer them on.

 

Unfortunately, you pay the price for the sins of your ilk. If the purportedly vast numbers of men who have no compunction about cheating would become what men are supposed to be - decent, honourable, and trustworthy - then perhaps women would calm down.

 

While clearly no man will have the opportunity to cheat with a porn star from the movie on their PCs, the generalized fear of being betrayed is extrapolated to porn.

 

And then there's the whole body image culture whereby women are persuaded by much of the media (and swaths of LS ) that men care little for personality and everything for looks, and that nobody who isn't Playboy/Penthouse-quality body and face type is not only unworthy of love, but generally unacceptable as a human being.

[Lennox]

This particular subject has been beat to death but i have an opinion and i am going to voice it!

 

I am sick and tired of all the women who constantly complain about men and alcohol, now i'm not talking about people who have serious issues but someone like myself, i work away from home for 3 weeks at a time. Alcohol is a way i use to relieve myself, and guess what ladies, it most often is after thinking of my wife at home alone in bed, but because i am a man, and i am visually stimulated, it is very easy to open a magazine and pull the goalie.

 

I consider myself to be very lucky, although my wife had never seen alcohol before we met, it is now a part of our healthy drinking relationship and i would be hard pressed for someone to convince me that it is somehow bad, or wrong.

 

 

I know this isn't going to be a popular opinion but after lurking on here for a few months i have come to the conclusion that either i am exceptionally lucky that i have an open, self confident, wife who knows that i love her, i love the stretchmarks on her belly that bore my children, i love her slowly sagging boobs that nursed both my children, and i particularily love her brain, and the way she challenges me.

 

And i know for a fact that when i come home from 3 weeks away and i know she has just worked a 12 hour shift and is baely awake that as much as i would like to pester her and convince her to have sex with me(cause i know exactly which buttons to push)instead after staring at her naked sleeping body for a short time i will remove myself to the bathroom, remove a bottle of vodka from the rack and take care of business.

 

 

My name is Mike, i like alcohol, but i don't have a problem, i just have a women who is confident enough in herself to not feel threatened by a bottle of booze!

 

Just a short play on words to show how anything that is addictive can be placed in the same context. I don't understand why you are SOOOO upset that women come on here with serious marital problems due to the actions of their porn addict spouses and speak their minds and seek advice? Why does that even bother you if you're so content and happy in your own relationship? What you fail to realize is that these women have issues because their wanking husbands made it as issue. It's not just the porn, it's the lying and hiding that goes along with it as well. It's really simplistic reasoning that you are using to determine that a woman's tolerance for porn use has ANYTHING to do with her self esteem. That tells me that you really don't KNOW women very well. Only a woman with truly low self esteem will stay quiet about their husband's porn addiction in fear of losing him.

 

If your wife is cool with it, then I'm happy for you. One man's garbage is another man's treasure. They say there's someone for everyone, and I'm glad you found it.

[norajane]

I think it's important to differentiate between porn use and porn addiction, which you have. Quite a few of the posts I've seen from women have been directly related to husbands whose porn use is out of control.

 

Men lying about porn use also is a big problem for marriages. In porn use (not abuse) situations, I think it's a chicken-egg problem. The guys know their wives don't want them to use porn, so they try to keep it hidden...it's not likely they will stop using it, any more than it is likely they will stop masturbating or women will stop fantasizing while they masturbate. If their wives weren't so opposed to porn use, they would be able to use it without lying. If they didn't lie, would their wives be ok with porn use? Some are.

 

A note about women's fantasies, though. Nancy Friday did a series of books about women's fantasies (My Secret Garden, Forbidden Flowers, Women on Top), and one about men's (Men in Love). The books consist primarily of hundreds of real fantasies that women have sent to her, along with psych commentary from Ms. Friday regarding the types of fantasies they are. The fantasies are published exactly as written by the ladies.

 

The first book was done during the 60's, and the last book came out in the 80's...she compares how women's fantasies have changed over time in the last book.

 

One thing that was very clear was that women's sexual fantasies are not about romance and tenderness...:lmao:

 

Women are just as raunchy as men, and their fantasies are just as 'unspeakable' in polite company.

[AManWithTroubles]

Well, one reason men hide porn, is because we are trained to do that our whole life. We hide the porn from our parents, because it is so "bad". Then when we go out and get married, we keep hiding it, because we just think that we have to. That doesn't always mean that it's an addiction, or that we are lying, it's just a way of life. So, blame society, and maybe be more open with your children, allowing them to look at nude women, so that we can end this viscious cycle.

[Lennox]

When I was a little baby, I used diapers. I suppose I could have used the same excuse when it came to potty training...hey, I've been conditioned to use diapers! Why should I have to use to learn the toilet? Hey, I was conditioned to drink from a baby bottle, why do I have to use a cup now??? The nipple on the bottle was easier to use!

 

At some point, you have to stop blaming some conditioning from childhood to personal responsibility.

[AManWithTroubles]

When I was a little baby, I used diapers. I suppose I could have used the same excuse when it came to potty training...hey, I've been conditioned to use diapers! Why should I have to use to learn the toilet? Hey, I was conditioned to drink from a baby bottle, why do I have to use a cup now??? The nipple on the bottle was easier to use!

 

At some point, you have to stop blaming some conditioning from childhood to personal responsibility.

It's not that simple. You are re-trained, at a youngish age still, to stop using diapers. And it takes a whole lot of work. In my opinion, we shouldn't teach young ones to use diapers, then expect them to change, but I don't really know the way around that.

 

But the point is, you are re-trained, by your parents/guardians. It's not like you marry, and the first thing you wife does is re-train you to not hide your pornography. Hell, we have to accept the fact that women are bitchy on their periods. Why can't they be re-trained?

[Lennox]

Well, I understand about women being bitchy while on their periods. Woudn't you be a bit bitchy if you were bleeding from your crotch too? Menstrual cycles are a natural part of womanhood and they come automatically whether or not we are conditioned to receive them. And for the record, we have great medicines nowadays that help us with cramping and even birth control to help us regulate and minimize our periods, so there are options available to help alleviate some of the aggravation and become "re-trained" of sorts.

 

If a man is old enough to marry, he's old enough to put away childish things and behavior. Porn is one of them IF it interfers in the marriage. If he can't give up the porn, then maybe he's not ready for marriage.

[AManWithTroubles]

Maybe men can give up the porn when women start acting like porn stars.

 

And why would it be childish? And it doesn't need to interfere, no less than anything else that a woman might do that doesn't require her husband to be present. I suppose we should give up on sports, fishing, and everything else, since they get in the way. After all, it's all just childish, right?

[Lennox]

Were you a child that had to hide your participation in sports and fishing from your parents in shame????

 

That's what is childish, hiding it in some sort of shame. If a guy can't let go of hiding it once he is marrying, then he shouldn't get married. If his future wife doesn't like it, and he doesn't want to give it up, then they shouldn't marry right?

[AManWithTroubles]

You're still making it too simple. It's not a shameful act, looking at porn. Yet we are made to think that. So we hide it.

 

Then the same should be said for women and their sexuality. Many women think that the acts of sex beyond missionary are shameful acts, and it is too hard for them to let go of those feelings that are ingrained so deep within them. But us men usually want women to do a bit more than just lie there. So if a woman isn't willing to explore her sexuality, should she be deemed unfit for marriage? Say she lets loose a little bit at first, when the sparks are flying, then she falls back into the lie there and take it method after years of sex. Should she divorce?

 

These things are there, you can't just give it up so easily. It's like taking a dump. We think it's a disgusting act, most of us, and we like to keep it private. But is it really that private of a thing? In nature, do animals hide when they take a dump? But we have this "idea" in our head that it's a private act, and even if someone is just outside the bathroom door, we feel weird about it, and are afraid that someone may hear a sound. But will that sound hurt someone's ears? No, not really.

 

The things we are ashamed of, yet need to do, they're hard to break. It may even take a doctor's help, but is it really worth all of that? Should we pay a doctor to teach us to keep our porn out in the open?

 

And to all the women who want their men to rid of porn just for marriage, well, I would say that those women aren't worthy of marriage. A man needs his things, and that, my friend, is one of those things for many, many men. And it keeps us from straying on you too, when you decide that we're not attractive anymore.

[Guest]

Were you a child that had to hide your participation in sports and fishing from your parents in shame????

 

That's what is childish, hiding it in some sort of shame. If a guy can't let go of hiding it once he is marrying, then he shouldn't get married. If his future wife doesn't like it, and he doesn't want to give it up, then they shouldn't marry right?

 

Yep, a woman who can't handle her man looking at porn should absolutely not get married. Not ever get married, since so many guys look at it, she'll never find one who doesn't.

 

Can she give up her romance novels and fantasies? Why demand that a guy give up his porn collection?

[Outcast]

Men in Love

 

An excellent book.

 

In which Nancy Friday, among other things, explains how men feel when they are shamed for masturbating by their wives.

 

If a man is old enough to marry, he's old enough to put away childish things and behavior. Porn is one of them IF it interfers in the marriage. If he can't give up the porn, then maybe he's not ready for marriage.

 

If he'd like to continue using porn, then he needs to find a woman who isn't threatened by it. There are plenty. I am one.

 

Funny about this. I don't recall divorces happening over Playboy or Penthouse or the movies that used to be possible to rent or buy before the Internet. Not sure why putting the pictures and movies on computers has turned it into such a huge problem. And before Playboy and Penthouse there were the lingerie ads in catalogues. And before that there were photos of people who lived in climates where they didn't wear many clothes in nature magazines.

 

And before THAT, men painted erotic pictures on cave walls. In fact, there were live sex shows in Shakespeare's day. I think it's only a small blip in history that has seen sex become such a horrifyingly frightening thing.

[Lennox]

The divorces are not only strictly due to porn itself, it's how the addiction manifests itself, with constant lies and undermining the intimacy of the relationships. It's not a matter of women being "threatened" by it, it's a matter of the addiction getting out of control and destroying relationships, and the woman choosing life partners that don't have addictive personality types.

 

People use alcohol everyday and most don't have a problem with alcoholism. Once a woman has been married to an alcoholic, they might prefer to enter their next relationship with someone who completely abstains from drinking. Same goes with porn addiction. Only a woman with rock bottom self esteem would keep quiet to get/keep a man that is a porner when it bothers her. And there are plenty of men out there that don't have a strong enough interest in porn to make it a "make or break" deal when it comes to relationships.

 

When all is said and done, it's better to be alone if necessary instead of being married to the wrong person that is so selfish or addicted that he cannot give up porn if his life partner desires that.

[LeeAnn26]

I have been married for two years, and living with my husband for another 4 before that.

I consider myself to be an open minded, sexual woman, and when I discovered my bf (before we got married) had a habit of regularly downloading porn, I encouraged him to come and show me what he was downloading, what he liked etc. I find porn quite erotic, and thought it could "improve" our marriage. I even downloaded some that I liked, to show him what turned me on... But he never wanted to "share" or show me, just dug out all his "secret stash" the minute I left home... (I knew all his hiding places...) Whenever I asked why he wouldnt watch with me, he said it made him feel akward. Then I found out he was posting ads on online dating etc looking for "fun" partners (we were having sex at least once a day at that stage, so the "you werent satisfying him" line doesnt cut it.)

 

Yes, eventually i started wondering what was wrong with me and why he was looking for something more. He always denied everything, said the porn was downloaded "once in a while" but i knew it was whenever he had the chance.

 

Then recently I found out he had been placing ads on a text (SMS) cellphone dating line, (making sexual conversations outside our marriage is, in my mind, a form of betrayal) and then I found out that he had actually met one of this chat-buddies for coffee after work. They both claim that they only kissed, he told her he was separated etc.

 

Am I nuts to stay and try to work this out? I had no problem with the porn as such, but he has admitted that he has some form of sex or fantasy addiction. He doesnt want to go for counselling, and says he can "kick it " himself.

[catgirl1927]

Do people really enjoy romance novels? But then, I don't like soap operas, either, so it's just a question of taste. Maybe I haven't read any really good ones. They really do nothing for me.

 

The problem isn't the porn. Men always act like they are the victims of women's plot to destroy their independence. It's the LYING. And the poster who made the point that men have become (maybe they've always been this way, I don't know) so nonchalant about cheating, saying that it's just natural for them to cheat and it's not a big deal and a woman should be confident and "secure" (I'm convinced 9 of 10 men have NO clue what that word means) enough for it to be ok for them to f*** someone else here and there is absolutely on the money. It's that "get over it, bitch, you're not good enough to be the only one" attitude that has so many women freaking out.

 

Porn use is something that people should talk about very early in the relationship. Just like many of the men on here really should have found a woman who was ok with an open relationship, they should also have found a woman who was ok with porn. Men want to marry some virginal super religious girl for her morals and then are devastated to find out she thinks porn is wrong. I was only told that from day one in Sunday School. Duh.

[Poboy]

I have been married for two years, and living with my husband for another 4 before that.

I consider myself to be an open minded, sexual woman, and when I discovered my bf (before we got married) had a habit of regularly downloading porn, I encouraged him to come and show me what he was downloading, what he liked etc. I find porn quite erotic, and thought it could "improve" our marriage. I even downloaded some that I liked, to show him what turned me on... But he never wanted to "share" or show me, just dug out all his "secret stash" the minute I left home... (I knew all his hiding places...) Whenever I asked why he wouldnt watch with me, he said it made him feel akward. Then I found out he was posting ads on online dating etc looking for "fun" partners (we were having sex at least once a day at that stage, so the "you werent satisfying him" line doesnt cut it.)

 

Yes, eventually i started wondering what was wrong with me and why he was looking for something more. He always denied everything, said the porn was downloaded "once in a while" but i knew it was whenever he had the chance.

 

Then recently I found out he had been placing ads on a text (SMS) cellphone dating line, (making sexual conversations outside our marriage is, in my mind, a form of betrayal) and then I found out that he had actually met one of this chat-buddies for coffee after work. They both claim that they only kissed, he told her he was separated etc.

 

Am I nuts to stay and try to work this out? I had no problem with the porn as such, but he has admitted that he has some form of sex or fantasy addiction. He doesnt want to go for counselling, and says he can "kick it " himself.

 

Most guys like porn. They can also feel embarresed discussing about it with their partner depending on the kind of porn they look at , its normal.

 

It seems you are the one who is intrested in keeping the marrige alive . he is obviously cheating on you by looking outside . You need to sit down with him and talk it over. If he is refusing counselling , get any of your family member or good friends talk to him with you also being there. You obviously love him a lot , so do whatever you can to save your marriage but also be prepared for the worst , sorry to say that.

[Lennox]

Leeann, if his addiction has gotten to the point where he's acting out and meeting people, I sincerely doubt he can "kick it on his own". When he tells you that, what he's really telling you is: "I'm not ready or willing to be serious about kicking this addiction, so Im going to tell you what you want to hear while I take you on a roller coaster ride through hell as I continue to become more devious about hiding my acting out and I'm going to see how long I can get away with it until you demand that I go get some professional help."

 

If you can muster the strength, demand that he get help from a professional sexual addictions therapist and tell him that you're going to leave if he doesn't. Be sure you are willing to follow through too. From my end of things, it's going to take the possibility of losing you to wake him up enough to get serious help, and if that doesn't work, you don't have a marriage anyway and you should get an attorney.

[littlekitty]

My SO said to me yesterday, 'if some women really have an issue with porn, and their SO's looking at other women, then why don't they film/photo themselves and let their men use that?!'

 

Now while that's not realistic in many ways he has a point. He has a couple of clips of me on his phone. Although he still has a couple of favourite mags, he tends now to use his clips of me, Not something I requested.

 

I personally have been a porn user myself. In fact the one porn DVD we have is mine! I'm pro porn. Some women really need to loosen up over porn.... it is what it is. A visual stimulation and nothing more.

[AManWithTroubles]

To LeeAnn26 and Lennox,

 

Sorry, but this dating thing isn't even related to porn. Porn is a way out without having that extra person. Using another person is, well, cheating. They are unrelated. He is not being faithful, even if he hasn't physically done anything yet, he is attempting to.

 

I would say it's like video games. I can go play a video game where I kill people. That doesn't mean that I'm going to go out and actually kill people. The video game gives me the freedom to do that with no trouble whatsoever. Once I step outside the game and kill someone, I am actually doing something wrong at that point. But the video game itself is not the problem. It would be me.

[Spiderman]

I'm pro porn.[/quote]

 

We already all knew this LK

 

Now while that's not realistic in many ways he has a point. He has a couple of clips of me on his phone. Although he still has a couple of favourite mags, he tends now to use his clips of me, Not something I requested..[/quote]

 

I think we all require proof of this so-called footage LK

[catgirl1927]

I would say it's like video games. I can go play a video game where I kill people. That doesn't mean that I'm going to go out and actually kill people. The video game gives me the freedom to do that with no trouble whatsoever. Once I step outside the game and kill someone, I am actually doing something wrong at that point. But the video game itself is not the problem. It would be me.

 

I think this is an excellent point, and describes exactly why I have no problem with porn and freak out all over the place about strippers. We have the boundaries for me explained perfectly here.