How do I stop loving her and still be friends?

[bm2092004]

Ok, some of you might consider this stupid and not worth responding to simply because i'm 15 and a sophomore in high school. You might also think that I don't know the true meaning of love. I thought I did at one time, but now I know I do.

 

Anyways, to the point. There's this girl (we'll call her Kelsea, because that's her name). We've been friends since the 7th grade when she moved to my school. Then in spring break of 8th grade, some of our class went to Washington D.C. for a week. We both went. There was a sunset cruise over the Potomac River one night. I was going to ask her if she wanted to go up to the top deck and watch the sunset and just talk or something. My friend noticed that I was quite nervous at the time. I was about 5 minutes away from asking her. My friend thought that I was nervous, because I was, but he thought it was because I wanted to ask her to dance. So he asked her for me. She said no. So I obviously couldn't ask her after that.... That was the night that I realized I truly loved her.

 

Now it's 14 months later, and I love her more than ever. I've never actually told her this (I've tried), but she know's anyways. I'm 95% sure we'll never be together, but I still love her. I'm trying to stop loving her, but I still want to keep our friendship strong. I've asked several people about this, and all they had to say was just "suck it up" or "find another girl, just dont fall so deep" (that one almost makes me sick)... I feel like that's just using them.

 

So here's where I need your help. What do I do? I don't want to fall in love with another girl. I don't want to cut off our friendship. I just want to, no, I have to stop loving her. I just don't know how. Please help...

[paige367]

Sorry BM, the only thing for this is time. It may take a few weeks or even months. I know it's hard to believe right now but sooner or later some other girl will catch or eye even if you're not looking for someone else. These early heartbreaks are difficult but they do make you what kind of adult you'll be in the future. You seem like a sweet sensitive guy and if you look around I'm sure there's someone near to you that is crushing on you right now.

[bm2092004]

Paige367,

 

Thank's for your reply, and yes, it has been a few months so far since I've began trying to stop. And I am aware that it takes time. It's taken a few months already. But how can I stop loving her, and still keep our friendship strong?

[Yamaha]

But how can I stop loving her, and still keep our friendship strong?

 

There is no way to let feelings die and stay in contact with that person unless they did something grevious to you. You still are in love with her so the only way to let it go is to remove yourself from her presence. You cannot stay close friends at this stage. It would hurt to much and you want the pain to stop, don't you? You must trust people who have more experience in matters of the heart than you. Believe us when we say you cannot stay friends and be in-love. The two do not go together. Friends is a platonic relationship and being in-love is a romantic one. Romance and friends do not mix. You must distance yourself now and maybe in time you can be an acquaintance to her.

[bm2092004]

Yamaha,

 

Thank you for your reply, but I can't exactly do that. Well, let me rephrase this by asking questions.

 

I'm not sure how to stop loving her, she's all I think/dream about. So what can I do to stop?

 

I can't exactly distance myself from her. We have more than half of our classes together. Any suggestions?

 

And one more. Even if I do end up trying to close all contact, how do I tell her this? She still thinks that I want to be best friends (which at this point, I still kinda do) (and she still wants to be very close friends with me). I don't want to

hurt her, but how do I tell her???

[Ja5e]

I ( and many others on here ) fully understand where you are coming from.

 

BUT....

 

...I'm afraid that Yamaha is right. I myself am ging through the same situation , fell in love with best friend , agonised for over a year about what to do about it. I told her one day , and things were ok , a little different - but we carried on as friends - but it hurt like hell for me. Eventually staying so close to someone who does not return the same feelings is going to drive you mad. Jealousy , misreading of signals , constant hoping that they will change their mind etc - it all ended up with me nearly having a nervous breakdown. Please dont go there yourself.

 

In the end , I asked if she would give me space for a while , so that I could sort out my feelings and be "just a friend" to her. She agreed. and i have to say , that it was very very hard to do , but I really feel I am moving forward now and the feelings are subsiding , litlle by little , but they are subsiding.

 

The one big risk though , is that she will not understand fully whats going on.

You must make her understand that you are going to back-off to save the friendship. My friend , although she said she understood , has now taken to not wanting to speak to me ever again - its hard , but logically I can see it is for the best.

 

If you do initiate a no contact period - please make sure she understands why and that by doing so you are trying to stay friends with her.

 

Its tough , but I honestly think it is the only way to go , you cannot and do not want to hang around this girl for years and years only to see her hook up with other guys / get marrried etc

[bm2092004]

Yes, I understand that something has to be done, and a no-contact period is probably best. But how do I tell her? How do I not think about her when I see her for 3 classes a day?

[Ja5e]

Best advice I can give is to try and "detach" yourself when you have to be near her. I too have to see my friend everyday - when your not around her - try to keep busy , find something you can concentrate on to take your mind off her , i found that exercise helped a lot - passes the time and also aids sleep ( my worst time for thinking of her is when trying to get to sleep :-( ).

 

Think back to past relationships that have ended , you got over them didnt you? You'll get past this one , and hopefully keep her as a friend. But if it doesnt work out how you want , you know from past experiences that you can and will move on and someone else will come along. But for now - you just gotta do your best to handle the emotions.

[bm2092004]

The best I can do is to take your word for it. I haven't been in any past relationships.... Don't get me wrong, I've had crushes and stuff, but this is a first for me. I've tried the exercise thing as well, it didnt work. I found myself very tired, yet I was still thinking about her every night, and I still couldn't sleep... How should I go about telling her (or should I at all)?

[Ja5e]

Chances are - she already knows. It depends on how you act around her , what you say etc When someone cares for you as more than a friend it will show however hard you try and hide it.

 

If however she doesnt know , then it will be quite a shock for her and she may react in what seems like a cold manner to you even if she doesnt mean it to be cold.

 

When I told my friend , she said she had known for some time and she was all prepared for what she was going to say to me , which in a way helped us to stay friends for some time after i confessed as she had put a lot of thought into how to "let me down gently" and stay friends.

 

There will come a point when you simply cannot keep it to yourself anymore , friends will notice , her friends will notice and have probably already made her aware of it. When the time comes , stay calm , try not to be emotional about it - but above all make it clear you want to stay friends but you may need help from her ( as a friend ) to get your relationship with her past this and continue as friends.

 

Sure , its gonna hurt. People react in different ways , she hopefully will care enough for you to help you.

 

You'll know when the time to tell her comes.

[bm2092004]

She already knows, and has for quite a while. She's still trying to be friends with me, and there are alot of awkward moments. Even if I do initiate a no-contact period, how do I stop myself from thinking about her? When I read, I don't know what I'm reading because I'm thinking about her, I dream about her, I think about her almost 24/7 ... How can I stop thinking / dreaming about her?

[Ja5e]

You can't. The more you try the more you'll probably think of her , the very act of trying not to think about her - means you ARE thinking about her.

 

Allow those thoughts , accept them , but try and set aside some time during each day when you are not going to think of her. If your like me , you'll have a million thoughts going through your mind all the time , its just a matter of de-tuning some of them and putting them into the background. They are still there but not so loud.

 

It does get better with time , but do things to help yourself - I changed her name in MSN,so that if she was logged on I couldnt easily see that she was online , avoid places you know she will be for some time. Little things help.

 

Its a bit like an addiction , you've got to slowly ease yourself off it. I'm still doing it , christ i nearly phoned her 45 mins ago , but walked away from the phone and cleaned my kitchen , sounds silly - but it got me through the next 30 mins without thinking of her and now I'm past it.

 

If she is a true friend , she will understand a no contact period. You've got to take the risk for your own sake. and if she wont understand or reacts badly - then is she really a friend????

[bm2092004]

I'll try, but I'm not sure how well it will work.

 

If that doesn't work, what about this: I act like I'm not in love with her when I'm around her... This way, she's happy, because she thinks I'm over her.

[ace06]

why do you have to stop loving her. maybe she feels the same way. have you ever bluntly stated the way that you feel about her to her?

[bm2092004]

Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I've never told her. But I've heard from her close friends (who also happen to be my close friends) that she doesn't, and that the only thing she wants is to see me happy again. I can't get over her. She doesn't love me as more than a friend. She wants to see me happy. If I act like I'm happy when I'm around her, she thinks I'm over her, she thinks I'm happy. That covers what she wants. Telling her won't do anything, I can't stop loving her. That's all I've got unless anyone else has any ideas.

[Guest]

There is always a good time for feelings to die. When your "older" (not in the condesending tone) you'll will look back and think that she was perfect eurphoric recall you will remember this girl and wish you knew for sure. But the pain will stop. I have found that men and women do not stay friends for ever. It's just a fact. I know it seems unfair to say but someday it won't hurt it will just make you smile a little bit. Chin up!

[nickelinadime]

I'm totally in the same boat as you. I love this girl named Jennifer, truely love her, and i really need to get away from her, but its impossible because she includes me in everything, and I cant just say "no" because thats the kinda person I am. To make things worse she has a boyfriend that she doesnt even love. Trust me, your not alone.

[bm2092004]

I'm really not sure if this will help at all... but, who knows, maybe there's a psychologist out there who is kinda psychic or something and can tell me what to do.. ok, maybe not. But anyways, yeah.... dont laugh ...

 

"The Girl with the Auburn Hair"

 

You're the one in my heart,

The one for who I care,

You're the one I think about,

The girl with the auburn hair.

 

I don't know what it is about you,

What sets you apart from the rest.

You've done two things to me:

Taught me how to love and to be depressed.

 

You aren't at fault for the second,

It's just a side effect

Of unreturned love,

When all of the feelings intersect.

 

But what can I do?

I can't just forget that I care,

I can't forget my feelings

For the girl with the auburn hair.

 

I've used all of my options,

There's nothing left to do,

But to live with the pain

I get from loving you.

 

It won't be easy,

but what is anymore?

I'll try to live with the pain

That I've never experienced before.

 

This is what I get

For being the one to deeply care,

The one to care and love,

The girl with the auburn hair.

 

 

Probably crappy, but hey, I'm only 15, so .. yeah.

[magichands]

Now it's 14 months later, and I love her more than ever. I've never actually told her this (I've tried), but she know's anyways. I'm 95% sure we'll never be together, but I still love her. I'm trying to stop loving her, but I still want to keep our friendship strong.

 

Are you really friends? You say that she knows how you feel. If you are friends, then you should be able to talk about the way she feels about the way you feel about her (sorry, not trying to be deliberately confusing).

 

14 months... wow. That's a long time to carry a torch. I'm not sure that it is going to be healthy for you to keep this friendship, with the way you are feeling.

 

Okay, so this is how I see it. I think your best bet is to keep busy, and try to forget about her. If you really, really, really, really want to keep the friendship, then explain how you feel to her, and talk about where to go from there - if she is not upset by that, then she'll understand your need to back off for a while until you can get your feelings in check.

 

Good to see you are trying to keep your sense of humour.

[johan]

You can't be friends with a girl you have feelings for. You might think you can, but all you end up doing is torturing yourself.

 

There are no easy answers to this, but you have to become a little hard-hearted about this. You have to string the facts together:

1) You have feelings for her.

2) She isn't returning the feelings.

3) The pain of being around her is great and can't be avoided as long as you are around her.

4) She isn't responsible for your feelings or your mental health. You are.

5) The kind of pain you're feeling can build up until you get to be bitter. Trust me, this kind of pain is something you'll never want to experience again, and that alone can make you into a bastard.

 

Do you want to become bitter so that it becomes that much harder to relate to women later on? Is your perfect girl someone who doesn't have feelings for you? The answers to both those questions I'm sure is no. You want to do the right thing. Part of that is facing the fact that she isn't the perfect girl for you. She's missing a key ingredient.

 

You might want an easy solution, but there isn't one. This is when you have to be strong in life. So here's my advice.

 

1) Stop referring to your feelings as love. I know how you feel, and it's better not to refer to it as love. Love is something else you have for someone you've been intimate with. You can't love someone who you don't really know. You can have a massive crush though. By overstating the depth of your feelings, you're just messing with your own mind.

2) Stop being friends with her. You can't afford it. You are the one who has to take responsibility for this, because you can't expect her to give a damn. And if she did understand and cared, she'd cut off the friendship herself. You'll learn yourself that you can't be friends with a girl who has feelings for you. Unless you hate her, then you might do it just to see her suffer.

3) Trust people who really do understand and have more experience.

[magichands]

3) Trust people who really do understand and have more experience.

 

Great post, Johan.

 

I happen to like mine more, but that's because I wrote it, and because I'm an idealist. Idealists usually jump off tall buildings, become monks, or hope that sustained emotional pain will metamorphose them into realists. But only usually.

[bm2092004]

Johan, there's one reason the idea of stopping friendship won't work. I forgot to mention it in the original post. My best friend (also a girl) is really really good friends with her. Actually, now that I think about it, most of my friends are good friends with her. Another thing, before anyone mentions the no-contact thing, let me say it won't work well. Remember, I'm still in school, and I have more than half of my classes with her, and I think my locker for next year is right next to hers.

[bm2092004]

Ok, I guess that didn't clear things up much. I really don't think the no-contact idea is working, because she's been in Pennsylvania for a few weeks already, I haven't seen or heard from her, and actually, things are just getting worse. Any new ideas?

[Guest]

Dear me.... First let me explain that i was pretty much in the same exact situation with two different girls when i was in hs. I had a little success with the first one by doing things (unknowingly) that im about to tell you. Problem was, is that i went back to my groveling, pathetic ways and she ended up getting rid of me I know you probably think the feelings will never end but they will, trust me.

First, I would either explain to her why you need to cut off contact OR, you could just start showing less interest in her. Personally I think you should cut her outof your life, graciously of course. Start hanging out with friends more, focus more on school, work out, play sports, learn how to sing or play an instrument (other than the pink oboe, j/k) or whatever. You need to work on yourself, be selfish goddamnit. Start carrying yourself with more confidence. Im guessing you basically wait on this girl hand and foot and go out of your way for her. Well im about to tell you one of the great mysteries of the world..... Women hate that. There are few things that turn a women off more than a groveling little bitch who sends her flowers every other day, sappy love poems, etc. I know alot of the women will tell you that it's "cute" and they wish they were that lucky but in reality these women would probably pick the jerk who is out slamming 40's and dealing pot in the bathroom over that kind of guy 9/10 times. That's not to say you need to be a "jerk" ,but you have to find balance. Neediness is a turn off. Independence is a turn on. You sound like you have a severe confidence problem. I suggest you work on that first. I got ten years on you, not trying to play the age card but looking in hindsight I see how foolish I was and I was not much different than you.

[JCD]

My advice is when you see her, politely say hi to her and that's it. Don't try to hold conversation with her, look/smile at her, etc. When you get home, don't think about the day you just had and analyze her reactions. Just let her go in order to heal yourself. There will be other girls. Girls that will show their affection for you in an obvious way and those are the ones you want to go after. It sucks to be in a one sided relationship, worse hoping that the other person comes to their senses while ignoring girls that are into you.