Tina Posted November 13, 2001 Share Posted November 13, 2001 Well now for the past two days our conversations have gotten back to "normal" and he is upfront about his interest in trying to make this relationship work, as he is now talking about me coming to see him and is missing me. He can't believe that we haven't had any arguements on the phone and he hopes it will stay like this all the time. "I hate fighting, I hate confrontations, and I hate arguing! This is not for me. I am all about peace, harmony and loving. I can't take any kind of tensions..besides, its not good for me, so if we can be like this I want you to come more than ever and to be with you.." Not wanting to risk 'rocking the boat' a fraction I am agreeing with everything he says over the phone even though I think he is a bit of a dreamer in what he says about arguing. Don't you think that arguing can sometimes be healthy? He told me the other day that he suffered lots of abuse from his parents when he was a child and that he always felt that his mother never loved him and that she preferred his younger brother. When I asked him to tell me about some of the incidents that occured during his childhood, he said, "I don't want to talk about it. It's too painful to remember," so I dropped the subject, not wanting to be pushy. I figure that if he wants to talk to me about it he will. Do you think he has big psychological issues in the closet that he hasn't dealt with yet? Am I naive in thinking that I can 'rescue' him? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 13, 2001 Share Posted November 13, 2001 Everybody has issues to work on and it's not your job or role in life to rescue anybody. Your idea that arguing can be healthy is insane. Good, rational conflict resolution is the way emotionally healthy individuals come to a meeting of the minds when they disagree. Arguing is unproductive and can lead to many negative feelings, resentment, hositility, etc. This whole situation doesn't sound good to me. If you really like this guy, go together to a counsellor who can teach you the proper, rational, and constructive ways to disagree and to discuss compromise. If you can't afford a therapist, read some good books on the subject. People who love to argue usually get that from their parents. Parents who argue in front of their children should be jailed. Link to post Share on other sites
Tina Posted November 13, 2001 Share Posted November 13, 2001 Everybody has issues to work on and it's not your job or role in life to rescue anybody. Your idea that arguing can be healthy is insane. Really? I'm glad to hear it from you Tony because in my life I've gotten many mixed messages about whether it is okay or not to argue. I often heard that the occasional arguement could be healthy for a relationship, but now that you say this is insane I'm beginning to question all my old beliefs. Good, rational conflict resolution is the way emotionally healthy individuals come to a meeting of the minds when they disagree. How does rational conflict differ than arguing? Can you give a simple example? This whole situation doesn't sound good to me. If you really like this guy, go together to a counsellor who can teach you the proper, rational, and constructive ways to disagree and to discuss compromise. I'm going to start group therapy next week on relationship issues. Do you think this will help? People who love to argue usually get that from their parents. Parents who argue in front of their children should be jailed. My parents argued alot when I was a child. I witnessed scary scenes in which my mother lost her temper, threw things and used foul language. Now I also have an anger problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 13, 2001 Share Posted November 13, 2001 YOU ASK: "Good, rational conflict resolution is the way emotionally healthy individuals come to a meeting of the minds when they disagree. How does rational conflict differ than arguing? Can you give a simple example?" It's not rational conflict...it's rational conflict resolution for gawd's sake. That's why you're having problems. Resolving conflict rationally through proven, time tested methods of sane discussion is where you need to be. I am really really very angry at your parents for giving you the example that they did. Your mother was a nut case and it's just too bad but you can get beyond that. What you need to do is just forget what what you witnesses as a child. You got a piss poor example of how married people ought to resolve their differences. I think your therapy experience ought to be great and I am really happy you will be seeing a counsellor. Link to post Share on other sites
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