bumblebee Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 Hello, My husband and I were married for 3 months when we discovered we were pregnant with our first baby. We've been together now for 3 and a half years. We always had a bit of a hard time talking about sex. He always seemed a lot embarrassed when I would bring it up or proposition him. Or he'd laugh at me and say I was cute. I wasn't being cute, I was being honest. I wanted to have sex! I've always wanted it more than he did it seemed (especially when I was pregnant, I was a nimpho!) but we never talked about it because he was so shy. I got my feelings hurt after getting into bed naked and him just going to sleep. I always thought that we had the best relationship except for the sex part. We were true soul mates when the sex clicked. His labido is nothing like anyone I've ever been with. I was used to being the one to turn sex down. When we did have sex it became so routine. Which is so unlike me, I've always tried introducing things to spice our lives up. With him to react in a shy or embarrassed way. We just don't have the same needs it seems. So we've become complacent in our love lives. It's been 2 and a half months since we had sex last and before that we hadn't had sex since I was 1 month from giving birth to our baby. Sure after having the baby I was wanting to wait a couple months until I knew everything was working properly but my sex drive had deminished a lot. Now it feels like we've drifted so far apart we never talk anymore unless we're talking about the baby. I miss him and feeling loved and even feeling like I love him. I am questioning wether I love him anymore and that scares me. I didn't want to get into this situation, I've tried talking to him about it. And I do most of the talking. I feel like I'm nagging so I just drop it. Seems like we're just going through the routine day to day. No magic anymore. I hate it and I want to get back to feeling in love again, but when I feel this low I don't know where to start, especially since it feels like I'm the only one who cares to get the ball rolling again. Any advice? I'm desperate! Link to post Share on other sites
Poboy Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 There seems to be quite a communication gap between the two of you. In most of these situations , you need to have him sit down with you & discuss these things ... the drifting apart , the sex part , emotional connection etc.If you have discussed , what was his reply ? Is he in anyway feeling left out since you must be involved in taking care of the baby. Also your lack of sex drive can be more to do with the emotional disconnection between the two. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bumblebee Posted June 20, 2006 Author Share Posted June 20, 2006 it feels like I am always the one bringing up these discussions and he always replies with agreement but then nothing happens. when communication goes nowhere I feel like he's just agreeing with me to get me to stop talking. I haven't talked to him about drifiting apart or how he's made me feel when he's turned me down before though. I guess because I am afraid of hurting him. But talking about this is the only thing left to do now. If we don't talk about it and if he can't realise the seriousness of this then he is going to lose me. He's been on paternity leave before for 2 months so he's been very active in our child's life. He's a role model father. It's just that we are not really a couple anymore. I agree that my lack of drive is a result to the lack of connection everywhere else. Plus I'm just tired of being the one to bring it all up and getting the "I'm really stressed or don't feel like it" response. I can understand being stressed out. But if it's a daily feeling then we'll get no where near getting back to each other. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. Maybe he just doesn't want to get back what we had.. ?? I guess I'll need to talk to him again. Not looking forward to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Poboy Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 It seems he is not that good in communication as you are. It is clear the spark is slowly going between the two of you. You need to somehow get it back and you will have to involve him in the process too . It cant be one way street all the time. So as you said , talking to him is the 1st thing to be done.Now that you have a child involved , it is more so important to make things work .Let him know how you feel and ask him to open up to you. A little solution which i have is why not plan a small little vacation to some place nice for a few days if possible. Something on that lines can help to get the 2 of you closer. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 I see two very different problems here that might be related to each other in some ways: 1. His lack of libido 2. Lack of communication, passion, fun, and affection between the two of you. The second one is normal for married people. Couples go through different stages and sometimes things get down, sometimes up. They say you fall in and out of love with your husband many times during marriage. So don't panic about this. You have a baby and another little child so things are different now. Besides, women tend to take things too seriously due to unstable fluctuation of hormones. In my opinion, the real problem is your mismatch of libidos. He is not too sexual, that's just the way it is. But you don't give much information about his background. Is this in his head or in his pants? Talk to a sexologist and bring your husband there too. Your life can be really great if sex is great. And then the problem number 2 will be solved also. The most important thing is for you to find strength to go on, to try and resolve all problems, make him help you in that mission, and never give up. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarplum Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 I have heard that pregancy/birth can be very intimidating to a man. Like when he marries you, you are "his". Now your body became the baby's. Are you breast feeding? This can be an issue to. I hope he comes around. Link to post Share on other sites
LightningRod Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 Not trying to make fun, but maybe this is a job for Viagra. He just might have impotence. Link to post Share on other sites
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