loving unconditionally and when it ends

[gmp]

I just read the posts on loving unconditionally and Tony's responses, and it was timely for me as well and very well written, thank you.

 

I have a problem myself, and wish for some advice or direction, and I also want to post something my counsellor gave me which I always refer back to which is :

 

Best friends and lovers (my mantra for relationships)

 

Intimacy is a major component of a fulfilling, committed, sexually vibrant relationship. There are different sorts of intimacy:

 

Emotional intimacy - the sharing of feelings

 

Intellectual intimacy - the sharing of thoughts and ideas

 

Physical intimacy - affection and physical closeness

 

Spiritual intimacy - the sharing of ideals, beliefs and values

 

Sexual intimacy - the secual sharing of two bodies

 

Recreational intimacy - sharing enjoyable activites together.

 

Apparently couples who share a high level of recreational intimacy have the most desire.

 

Anyway - I have found this a good benchmark when assessing the problems in my marriage. I look at each type of intimacy and rate how I feel I am with my husband and what could be improved, what's missing. It's not the only diagnostic tool, but it's simple and seems to pick up the holes in the relationship.

 

The problem is that in the 9 years we have known each other - my whole 20s almost - and the 5 years we've been married, that the intellectual and spiritual intimacies were all I felt connected to him on. These are matters of the mind, and it was a joint concern for certain social issues which we used to discuss in length, which brought us together initally.

 

The big ones missing have been emotional intimacy and recreational intimacy. We have been physically intimate, but I never once felt particularly turned on by him sexually, although I have no problem particpating in sexual acts, I love it, it's just he doesn't do it for me. I believe that is related to not being able to connect emotionally, and feeling separated in my heart from him. I have spent many hours explaining this and we both have made a genuine effort to pay more attention to each other's needs sexually, but I can't help that I just don't feel anything for him in that way. That was my mistake and I knew it early on.

 

It has also been hard just to have fun as work commitments have been huge for him particularly, and he is a fairly negative person.

 

Since I attended counselling earlier this year (by my choice on my own) I have come to understand these areas of intimacy and priorities. I have also made an effort for both of us to spend more time working on sharing more time together for mutual and enjoyable pursuits. We took a 3 week trip to Europe which was wonderful and we discovered common interests in art and history - amazing! However, when we sit down to talk about it I still just don't seem to relate to him. I don't know what it is, but it's something about the way he talks to me, expresses himself, I just think "what am I doing here", and my inability to feel enthusiastic about dialogue with him. It's OK when we are out and about doing things, but left with each other, I just don't feel connected emotionally.

 

My biggest complaint with him is that day to day life is so difficult - full of small and sometimes large arguments - and it shouldn't have to be like that. From waking up in the morning, almost always arguing before leaving the house, and coming home again, cooking dinner. He just doesn't bother with doing things as they need to be done or doing them properly and I seem to be always asking if he could remember to do this, or if he sees somethign that needs doing to do it, and to respect the things I do and not mess them up. And, this is without kids and now without a mortgage, little pressure. I don't want to have kids with him because I cannot imagine the stress it would cause if it's difficult already, plus we have problems anyway. He knows this as well.

 

I guess what I want to say is that I have met many people (men) in the past few years who I have connected with, and one in recent times I have become very close to and begun an affair with. It is very deceitful and bad, I know that. However, I am at the point where I don't care anymore, and if my husband wouldn't get upset if I left him, I would just do it. But he will be very upset. The person I have met I connect with wonderfully, we have spent hours together both on the phone and in person, and everything was just so easy. He knows my situation fully and accepts it, but hopes we may have a chance to be together in future. Not only that he has listened to my frustrations with my home situation and been supportive of whatever I needed to do, not manipulative.

 

I guess I realised that it can be simple, not difficult, to enjoy someone's company and connect, it's not a battle. We have encountered many times where conflict might arise during our chats and times together, but have never even looked like arguing or being unable to deal with it. This person is very much like me in many ways that maybe that's why we get along, I don't know.

 

My family and some friends have asked me lately why I am always so unhappy, and I have explained our situation to them. They had all noticed problems and how difficult my husband is to relate to, despite my efforts to make him feel comfortable and to try to open up.

 

Right now, I am extremely happy I have met someone who makes me laugh uncontrollably, is without judgement and cares deeply for me. Who wants to be with me in future if I am on my own and with whom fancy dinners and lots of money is not necessary to appreciate good times together. I connect on every aspect of intimacy with him. It's amazing. It wasn't love at first sight either, but a gradual thing.

 

I feel extremely guilty at feeling so happy and wanting to leave my husband, knowing he would be very unhappy and angry for a long time. I want to leave him now, get it over with, but just don't know how I am going to tell him I just don't want to be with him anymore...

 

sorry for the mini - novel, but I tried to be clear...

 

thanks in advance!

[Tony T]

First, get a divorce and get it quick. No matter how you think your husband may react, he doesn't need a spouse who continually analyzes everything and certainly is not into him. Let him go, free him up to find someone else.

 

It's very nice that you have found someone to connect with. These connections, however, can last anywhere from a few weeks to a few years but they seldom go on forever...particularly those formed during an adulterous situation where those connections are aided by adrenalin and the forbidden fruit syndrome.

 

You are one confused, unhappy lady right now. Do yourself a favor and get a divorce. Get back on your feet spiritually, psychologically and emotionally. Somebody in your mental state right now could probably connect with a giraffe. When you're not so vulnerable, you will find real, true love because you won't be needy and you won't read stuff into a relationship that isn't there.

 

Remember, in the initial stages of relationships people tend to mirror each other. That is, they tend to become what they think the other person wants them to be. That's what happened between you and the husband you aren't happy with.

 

Unless you go about this the right way, you are destined to be right back where you are now in your next relationship...miserable.

[gmp]

Thanks for the feedback. I don't mean to be defensive, but the person I met is someone I have known for a long time. I didn't feel any adrenalin from meeting him, just very calm and myself. It was just contentment for being with someone who is easy to be with, where there is a natural affinity and quiet conversation, and willingness to cooperate. Of course there is lust too, but it's a bonus in addition to the above things which I was missing most. Mostly I felt sadness and guilt as well.

 

Whether it works or not doesn't matter, but it's been nice to experience someone who seems to take time to care and listen, and make you feel special, not taken for granted. It's pleasurable just sitting with each other, cooking food, as it is making love. Perhaps it only seems so as my husband is so difficult to cooperate with, that anything easy to achieve seems blown out of proportion, but I don't think so.

 

I am usually quite happy in my own company, and it's when I have to anticipate the difficult reactions of my husband, that things become tense. Anyway, I guess you have to be there to understand, but thanks anyway.

First, get a divorce and get it quick. No matter how you think your husband may react, he doesn't need a spouse who continually analyzes everything and certainly is not into him. Let him go, free him up to find someone else. It's very nice that you have found someone to connect with. These connections, however, can last anywhere from a few weeks to a few years but they seldom go on forever...particularly those formed during an adulterous situation where those connections are aided by adrenalin and the forbidden fruit syndrome. You are one confused, unhappy lady right now. Do yourself a favor and get a divorce. Get back on your feet spiritually, psychologically and emotionally. Somebody in your mental state right now could probably connect with a giraffe. When you're not so vulnerable, you will find real, true love because you won't be needy and you won't read stuff into a relationship that isn't there.

 

Remember, in the initial stages of relationships people tend to mirror each other. That is, they tend to become what they think the other person wants them to be. That's what happened between you and the husband you aren't happy with. Unless you go about this the right way, you are destined to be right back where you are now in your next relationship...miserable.

[Tony T]

No, I don't have to be there to understand. You are committing adultery, which is your business. But if you have to do that get a divorce.

 

If you feel so comfortable with this person you have "met" that you have "known for a long time" then go for it and be willing the accept the consequences.

 

I want you to be happy but I still don't feel you are headed in the right direction but you are the architect of your own destiny and I won't attempt to mess with that.

 

Best of luck to you.