This seems crazy

[Guest]

I am the one that asked for a separation after 19 years of marriage. My request (in counselor's office) caused my wife to look at phone records, old emails, etc. which led her to find an "emotional" (long distance high school sweetheart) affair and the beginning of a blossoming affair with a coworker of mine. I am the bad guy.

 

I borrowed money from my wife's father for my business (200K) and failed to pay him back. This caused a great deal of stress in our marriage in 2004 and I felt like we could not recover. After 2 years of counseling, it just seemed like there was no respect or unconditional love left in our relationship. The issues in our marriage have always been financially related and our separation has uncovered more poor judgements on my part.

 

My wife, as you might expect, is very bitter and has come at me very hard since our separation in mid-March. We have 2 kids (9year old son, 12 year old daughter). My wife who is an excellent mother is also very controlling and uses the children as pawns in this battle. She had a restraining order brought against me back in April, although I've never threatened or laid a finger on any of them. The restraining order was dropped a week later when we went to court. It was merely a weapon that she used to turn up the heat on my discomfort. I now get to see my kids every other weekend, at least until our mediation is held in mid-July.

 

Here's the crazy part. It was my idea to separate but I find myself getting emotional all the time and not neccessarily when it is convenient for me. Even though I love someone else, I am continually haunted by what I left behind (and she seems to hate me). I constantly compare my life to everyone else's and it seems like mine is terrible. I miss my kids, I miss (gulp) my wife, my dog, my house...

 

When can I expect things to improve? How do I put myself in a better frame of mind? I keep thinking I should have kept it together for the kids. My wife has trashed me to everyone she knows. I can't even go to the same church anymore. It's all my fault, but why am I hurting so bad?

[paige367]

You are grieving for your former life. You have to go through all the stages including denial, grief, anger and acceptance. You've made your choices and now you have to find a way to deal with them. Let time do it's work.

[Ladyjane14]

My wife has trashed me to everyone she knows. I can't even go to the same church anymore. It's all my fault, but why am I hurting so bad?

 

Your best bet is probably going to be to get into IC (individual counseling) and work through your issues. One could assume that you're at about the right age for midlife crisis since you've got 19 years of marriage under your belt.

 

You've said "it's all my fault", but you're still blaming your wife. The statement, "my wife has trashed me to everyone she knows" speaks volumes. You've cheated on her and ripped her father off for 200k. She doesn't exactly have to "trash" you at this point, does she? Telling the truth is bad enough.

 

From her vantage point, you've wasted two decades of her life... and then told her that you're done and "in love" with someone else. It's not realistic to expect her to appreciate you for it, or to expect that she offer you any emotional support or continued allegiance. You said "she seems to hate me", but when you look at it from her perspective, what can you expect? If someone treated me that way, I don't think I'd be feeling warm and fuzzy about them either.

 

You'll probably find more healing when you stop qualifying your actions.

[Gunny376]

Your best bet is probably going to be to get into IC (individual counseling) and work through your issues. One could assume that you're at about the right age for midlife crisis since you've got 19 years of marriage under your belt.

 

You've said "it's all my fault", but you're still blaming your wife. The statement, "my wife has trashed me to everyone she knows" speaks volumes. You've cheated on her and ripped her father off for 200k. She doesn't exactly have to "trash" you at this point, does she? Telling the truth is bad enough.

 

From her vantage point, you've wasted two decades of her life... and then told her that you're done and "in love" with someone else. It's not realistic to expect her to appreciate you for it, or to expect that she offer you any emotional support or continued allegiance. You said "she seems to hate me", but when you look at it from her perspective, what can you expect? If someone treated me that way, I don't think I'd be feeling warm and fuzzy about them either.

 

You'll probably find more healing when you stop qualifying your actions.

 

Whopp! Whopp! (With fist in the air)

 

For real! Its time to man up! You screwed up ~ now at least be a "man" about it and own up to it ~ it yours ~ all yours. You own it and it owns you! Its you, and you're it!

 

Now is the time to "man~up" and solider on. It doesn't make a damn bit of difference what you've done, been through, gone through! All that matters here and now is what are you going to do about it. What are you going to do it about here and now. Right now!

 

I'll tell what to do ~ just do the right thing and you know what that is! You KNOW what the right thing to do is! It was writtnen upon your heart the day you were born! You KNOW what it is ~ you don't need me, nor anyone else telling you what it is ~ you know ~ you were born with it!

 

Man up! I don't give a damn if you've got to work at MickeyD's sucking grease out of 55 gallon drums! You do what's right, and what's right is to make things right ~ even though you've trashed a good marriage. You pay back the 200K, why? Because its the right thing to do. You know it, I know it ~ we all know it!

 

If you're looking for sympathy ~ you're going to find it the same place and only place I've ever found it ~ in the dictionary between S**t and slyphliss! Life's hard ~ its a struggle no matter WHO are what you are! No matter what you do! Suck it up and move on!

 

Don't pay back the 200K because of your wife, becuase you owe it to your FIL, do it to be a man, because its the right thing to do. I don't care if all you can ever do is send $5 a week, do it! Do the best that you can do. Do the right thing. It matters not that you can ever repay the 200K, it matters to you that you're doing something to set things right! Do what you can ~ with what you have. But, damnit do something!