Darin Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 My ex who left me in january (see all previous threads by me for more informations) and I are back together. I went through maybe 2-3 weeks of no contact finally, and she came back crying telling me she didn't realize how important I was and that she feels like she had been searching for months for a person who fufilled her in the way that I did, etc. We met up this weekend and had a great time together, albeit awkward at first. We are trying to take things slowly and work back into a great relationship again. My only concern is that the guy she dated for about 2 months -- she admits to never having loved him. He apparently was just new and exciting and they had fun with his friends, etc. She said he never fufilled her emotionally and she felt he was distant at best, uncaring at worst, etc... but that he's a nice guy and was fun to hang around with. She wants to be friends with him still. I said that it made me uncomfortable. She says I have to deal with it because that's what she wants. I point out that if the roles were reversed she would absolutely not allow me to stay friends with someone I had a relationship with while she still was wanting to be with me, etc. She agrees but says that I need to trust her. Trusting her was never an issue in the past. We were together for 3.5 years and I truly cannot say any point in time where she was worth anything less than my full trust. Obviously when she left me that damaged my trust in her somewhat, because I felt betrayed etc. If I tell her that I don't want them to be friends and that I won't accept her if she doesn't cut him out of her life -- she will probably leave me. I don't think she would leave me for good, i think she would come to the same realization she did the last time we went to no contact (that having me in her life is of the utmost importance to her) but I think she would leave me right now because I am not allowing her to do what she feels is right. I feel like I can trust her, truly - but it also makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I have to question somewhere in my head if she is leaving her foot in the door. What do you guys think? Is it worth the risk of her deciding that I am not the man she wants because I can't show her that I trust her -- or should I be demanding of her cutting the ties she had with this guy completely? It may be important to know that I am friends with my ex girlfriend way before my (again) current one. We had a 2 year relationship and was the first person I had intimacy with, etc. We, however, did not speak for 5 years and only recently have become friends again (I found her on myspace when I was needing someone to talk to and she's been there for me!). She's married to the guy she started dating afterwards etc. Obviously she and I have both moved on. My concern, obviously, is that my girlfriend may not have severed all feelings for him yet and that he certainly still has feelings for her. That just seems like a red flag. But I feel that trusting her may be an important step for our relationship. And if she breaks that trust, then obviously it is not meant to be. What say ye? Link to post Share on other sites
rkman Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 because that's what she wants The whole problem with her excursion was because she wanted what she wants. Now she has lost whats important and comes back claiming she wants both. There comes a point where you have to have some self respect and where she owes it to you. If you aren't comfortable with it, then it is up to her to satisfy you at this point in time. She has had enough of her, otherwise she wouldn't be back. My concern, obviously, is that my girlfriend may not have severed all feelings for him yet and that he certainly still has feelings for her. That just seems like a red flag. But I feel that trusting her may be an important step for our relationship. And if she breaks that trust, then obviously it is not meant to be. I think your right and have every right to protect yourself at this point. TRUST is earned, not given away. Don't simply give it back to her. If I were in your situation, I'd tell her not to come back until she learned what it meant to be a woman, and to be a man's woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Still_In_Love Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 She wants to be friends with him still. I said that it made me uncomfortable. She says I have to deal with it because that's what she wants. I point out that if the roles were reversed she would absolutely not allow me to stay friends with someone I had a relationship with while she still was wanting to be with me, etc. She agrees but says that I need to trust her. Life is not all about her...she needs to be 100% with you not "being friends" with an ex!! It doesn't work and never will!!! If I tell her that I don't want them to be friends and that I won't accept her if she doesn't cut him out of her life -- she will probably leave me. Let her go then...she wants the best of two worlds...way too much drama!!! Tell her you aren't prepared for that kind of a relationship and walk....go back to NC!! Link to post Share on other sites
sirjay Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 Absolutely. Your condition for taking her back is that she 100% cuts off this guy. Zero contact. If you back down now, she will lose respect for you and you will be laying the foundation to - a) quite possibly be hurt again if she goes back to him b) have a relationship based on you being weak If she won't agree then give her a set length of time - maybe 2 months or whatever you think will work - to decide one way or the other. in the case where a person's feelings are divided between two people, they will usually end up pining after the one who is harder to get. You will be empowering yourself by cutting her off. Read around this forum, it is full of this idea. Back off from her and let her come to you ON YOUR TERMS. Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 Let her go then...she wants the best of two worlds...way too much drama!!! Tell her you aren't prepared for that kind of a relationship and walk....go back to NC!! Agreed! If she can't walk away from a 2 month friendship/failed dating situation, then she's not really serious enough about being w/ you. Buuuuut it's better to make it a "soft ultimatum". Tell her you want this to work but you would not be comfortable with them being friends. That's it. Not "...you would not be comfortable with them being friends so you need to ditch this guy." Let her make the decision on her own- an ultimatum will be percieved as a challenge. Link to post Share on other sites
BrandonBP Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 I have to agree with everyone here. That's COMPLETELY UNf***ING ACCEPTABLE for her to come running back to you and say that she loves you and wants to be with you, but then not have the respect for you to not talk to this guy that's been poling her every night. What are you going to do when you have to go out of town for a couple of weeks and she's back home with Jody having drinks and feeling lonely? She came back to you because she supposedly realized that she was in love with YOU and wants to be with YOU. If she truly means that, then she'll respect your feelings and not talk to the rebound anymore. If she feels like you're giving her an ultimatum, then tell her "You're damn right I am." If she storms off and gets pissy for a couple of weeks, she'll come back to you anyway. She's just come back to you now because she knows she loves you, right? If she's really figured that out then she'll be willing to do whatever she can to make the relationship work. And don't let her throw that back in your face about you and your ex being friends. It's a completely different scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
Pantero Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 I'm sorry dude, but what she's doing is s***ty. It's either you or her "friend". Don't take that s***. 2 months..."new and exciting" huh? Beware, my friend. Beware... Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 Wow she came running back to you and wants this on HER terms? That is not how these things work dude, you recognized that and you need to tell her that its either your way or the highway. She screwed up, therefore SHE should be adhering to YOUR "rules", as in, no friendships with lame men she dated for two months. Thats crap. She doesnt realize what she lost if shes still trying to keep running dialogue with this other fella. Theres just no reason for it. Link to post Share on other sites
rising Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 i think you should relax about all things, feel secure in yourself completely. be your confident self and have so much fun with her. whatever feelings she had with that guy will die off and she'll soon be blowing his friendship off because you are so wonderful to once again be with. concentrate on yourself and sharing time with her... don't worry about another, or who gets to call the shots, the upper hand, or wearing the pants in a relationship. being concerned with things that are outside of yourself will only feul insecurity (this is all stuff i've went through). sharing time and making the best memories, and just living life. relaxing about it will give you a much higher power than worrying about it or being insecure carrying relationship chips on your shoulder. Link to post Share on other sites
Still_In_Love Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 don't worry about another, or who gets to call the shots, the upper hand, or wearing the pants in a relationship. being concerned with things that are outside of yourself will only feul insecurity (this is all stuff i've went through). It's not a question of who's wearing the pants in a relationship. It's a matter of respect! Ask yourself...how would you feel if your ex came back claiming her love for you and...oh, by the way...she dated this guy for a couple of months and she still want to be friends with him and have him in her life! That has nothing to do with being insecure, it's a matter of respecting the other person she claims to love!...give me a break!!! Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted June 25, 2006 Share Posted June 25, 2006 um, I sure as hell wouldn't take it. Link to post Share on other sites
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