does he like me?

[masala]

I have been friends with this guy for about a year now. I was really good friends with his younger brother before I was friends with him, but his brother moved to another state last summer. Anyhow, we spend a lot of time together during the week and on the weekends. I hang out with him more than I hang out with anyone else, and pretty much the same for him. About six months ago, I started sleeping over at his house usually once or twice a week. It was innocent. I was dating someone, and usually it was just because I couldn't drive myself home (parties) or just because I didn't want to drive all the way out to where I lived (I lived pretty far out of town.) A lot of people ask about whether or not I'm his girlfriend, because we're pretty touchy feely and hang out so much. All his friends make jokes about how he's in love with me and mine tell me that he must really like me if he just lets me sleep over without having sex with me or anything. They think I'm mean for leading him on.

 

The thing is, about a month ago, about a month after I'd broken up with the guy I'd been dating, we started having sex. (He had always cracked jokes about how if I was ever having a dry spell, he'd be happy to help.) The first time it was because we'd been drinking, but since then, usually neither of us have had anything to drink. And a lot of times, he asks me to stay over and we don't do anything at all. We cuddle for a while then sleep. I still hang out with him the same as always.

 

He is a really nice guy. He would do anything for me. He's even driven out to my apartment (when I lived alone) and killed a roach for me at 2 in the morning. When my last boyfriend broke up with me, he drove all the way out to where I lived to pick me up and listen to me cry and take care of me. If he gets the last piece of some food he knows I really like when we're out to eat, he'll share his piece with me. When it's just us, we usually spend most of the time curled up and talking about stuff.

 

Neither of us have told any of our friends we are sleeping together (at least, as far as I know) even though they all know I sleep over at his house three or four days a week. I just don't want people making comments and things and I've learned from past relationships that the less other people know, the better. I have started to really like him, and I'm wondering if he likes me. The only thing that makes me wonder is that he hasn't said anything about liking me and once, several months ago, I made the comment that I knew a lot of my guy friends have or have had crushes on me, and he said that he'd sleep with me, but never date me. (That was three or four months ago, I guess.) He acts like he likes me, though. And when he talks about how people tease him about me, he never denies that he does. He just points it out and kind of laughs about it. It's just weird.

 

I'm really apprehensive to tell him how much I like him, because the last time I dated a really good friend, it ended in me not speaking to him until he moved to the other side of the country. I love him as a friend to pieces, and that is way more important to me than anything else. At the same time, he's the kind of guy I could see myself with long-term. Plus, I know his family and all his friends, and my family really likes him. It just seems like it is a really good fit, and I know that genuinely great guys like him are one in a million. The sex is great, too, so...

 

I don't know. What do you think? It's just really confusing to me and I think I'm too close to it to really know what's going on.

[Guest]

Wow, this sounds *exactly* like my situation, except I've been close w/ my guy friend for 2-3 years (if interested see my post "Just Venting about FWB"). It's hard to tell, huh? I understand *completely*. It seems like he's made his feelings for you pretty clear, though- "he said that he'd sleep with me, but never date me". How does he feel if you're dating/flirting with other guys? Does he get jealous? He likes you and is attracted to you enough to sleep with you, but he doesn't have enough romantic feelings for you to date you. Also, this situation doesn't seem to be working for you as you seem to want a relationship with him whereas he's content to be FWB at the most. However, in situations like this, the only way to really know for sure is to ask him (hmm, I should probably take my own advice). I understand why you wouldn't want to do that because I don't want to ask my FWB that question for the same reasons, but it's the only way to know for sure. I know this isn't what you want to hear, I know I definitely wouldn't want to hear it, either, and I'm sorry for that. I don't know how much help I've been, but good luck!

[masala]

I read your FWB post and I just want to point out some differences in our situations.

 

For one, you entered into an agreement about your relationship. It's been my experience that if you talk to someone and they tell you up front that they don't want a relationship and that what you are doing is just sex, then that's all it is. With my friend and I, he said that he wouldn't date me months ago, while I was dating someone else, and when I was still telling him that I would never sleep with him. Since that time, though, he's said multiple times (as have I) that he's not really into just sleeping with girls anymore and that he really wants a relationship, and when he's mentioned that his friends think that he has a crush on me, he never denies it, which I think he would do if he were interested in just being FWB. We've never discussed our having sex at all. Not before, during or after. We never discuss whether or not we will or won't mess around. A lot of times we just sleep, and that's fine, too.

 

Things have changed with us, though. I don't know how to explain it. You said you don't feel like you're really intimate with your FWB, and I feel like my relationship w/ my friend is very intimate. He's more like a boyfriend than many of my past boyfriends. He does get jealous when I date other people. (He has for several months.) I have a key to his apartment. He gave it to me at first because he needed me to pet-sit while he was out of town, and he took it back for a couple of days because maintenance at his apartment complex needed to make a copy. As soon as maintenance gave him the extra key back, though, he gave it back to me for no real reason, other than that I practically live with him at this point. I've had FWBs before and they've always been very up front about their expectations, because they usually are genuinely concerned about the other person getting hurt. He's had FWBs before, too, so I feel like he would tell me if that's all he thought it was. The fact that he hasn't is what makes this so weird, because it's been going on for a month and neither of us have discussed it at all.