Re: Strings still attached

[Amy]

There's nothing at all wrong with what you're doing but you need to sever all ties. It takes much more than love to make a solid, healthy relationship and timing is an extremely important component. Trying to be friends simply won't work and it's bizarre to feel that it may be right in a year or two or whenever. Free yourself to look for something right. If you fail and you run into this guy in a few years, give it another try. But I think it's a real mistake for you psychologically and emotionally to leave this door open on purpose. That open door will not serve you well when you're out there looking for a meaningful relationship.

We've talked about having an "open" relationship. We both believe that our love for one another is just too important to let go. That perhaps our jumping into a relationship so fast after a huge breakup was not the right decision for both of us. Is there nothing left to be salvaged? Dang if so... I'm a skeptic of love for life

(I don't understand your statement: "This relationship pales in comparison to what I have felt before." This would indicate that what you have felt before was much better than what you feel in your current relationship. If that's the case, I don't see why you have a problem with severing this relationship.)

What I meant to say is, "My other relationships pale in comparison" .. sorry for the confusion =)

[Tony T]

So what's your idea of an "open" relationship. Going to see other people too? I don't think so. And if things are going so well now, why all of a sudden the break up?

 

I think both of you are very confused. I know I am. Why don't you just sit back and take a bit of a breather here?

 

You don't break up with people in order to see them once in a while and wait for them to be ready. That's pretty dangerous considering that both of you will be exposed to other people along the way.

 

Either you want to have a relationship with this guy and he with you or you don't. PERIOD.

 

I also don't understand why you are parting ways, or whatever it is the two of you are doing, just as you've started to open your heart to him. This is really confusing to me.

 

So sit back, take your shoes off, relax, shut your eyes, and unconfuse yourself. Decide what you want to do. But you're going to have to take it one way or the other. No middle ground stuff like I think you may be planning. That just won't work.

 

I don't really understand just how you plan to conduct this thing from here on out but to me it just doesn't sound workable.

 

You don't need to respond to this post because I'm afraid I will become even more confused. But I think if both of you care enough about each other you can sort this out.

 

To me, a break up is a break up. I just don't believe in taking vacations from people I love and want to be with. That's borderline insanity...no, that's complete insanity in my opinion. So either you break up or you stay together. This in between stuff is a hell of a way to conduct a relationship with somebody you allege to love so much. It's just plain nuts.

 

I am sssssooooooooooooo confused and I'm not even in the situation. I can certain understand why you are puzzled.

[SomeOtherTony]

You sound like you have the Official Relationship Handbook guide sitting next to your computer and that helps you through all of Loveshack's little problems. But sit back a bit, man, because the real word isn't quite as easy as you like to make it. Don't tell her that it's nuts or insane because your handbook says so. Because you spend so much time on Loveshack, I'm inclined to believe that you've spent (or am spending) much time looking for the ultimate love. That said, you place a high value on such a thing and seeing others do the same falls within this vein. Anything left or right of this and it's absurd, crazy, and full of hyperbole. Whatever. Let's continue.

 

Often times, when a young man reaches the age of 20 or 21 and has a full-time professional job requiring sometimes 14 hours a day of work and being on call for the remainder of that period, they tend to get stressed. They look at all the things their friends are doing and they want to do that too. Because a job like this forces such a man into a situation where he's forced into responsibility and doesn't have time for the actions of his friends, he begins to feel a need to make up for this lost youth -- especially considering he wakes up feeling older and older every day. Sometimes, a beautiful lady comes into this man's picture which inevitably will take up more of this guy's time. He begins to feel more stressed, more confined, more feeling that he will never have any fun again. Not because the woman takes any fun away, in fact, she adds a sense of completeness that he's never known before, but just because it IS responsibility. And added to the things that pay bills, make things all just a bit more complicated.

 

Some times, no matter how wonderful the girl is, or how great their love is together, the man has a problem with himself. At such a young age, he feels that he may be missing something; that he's not giving himself enough time when it's a period in his life that he should actually be giving to himself since he's always put "I" second. He realizes the value of being a great father and wants to do that -- when his time comes, when he's had his fun, and when he's sure that he's ready to settle down, he acts on this knowing he can live with his decision. To ultimately be faithful of both mind and body to his loved one. Despite a tremendous love, it never escapes the back of his mind that love may come down the road, in an easier to swallow pill, when the time is more conducive to forming such a relationship. He's not sure what to do because he's never been happier, but knows that without being by himself and taking some of these younger years to give back to himself, he fears that he might always have something in the back of his head that pushes him away from commitment -- or that creates unfounded fears even. In order to fully realize the love of his relationship (current or future), he has to take care of these things now... that it has nothing to do with other girls and out having fun -- it has to do with alleviating fears of the subtlest variety. These subtle thoughts grow larger and larger until they reach a breaking point.

 

Most people will never understand -- they are trained to think of life as a series of chapters with turning points starting, stopping, and changing directions with abrupt catastrophe -- that relationships are ultimately to result in marriage or they are efforts spent in vein, with little reward, and of no significance. Unfortunately, this advice can cause said man to double think his reasoning in fear of losing the most amazing woman in his life. He understands what he has to do and what would make him ultimately happy in the end, but others' confusion lends to a state that this young man has never felt before. An area and peace of mind that is furthest from Utopia and closer to Afghanistan -- nothing makes sense, nothing presents a viable solution, and no advice has not yet been previously considered.

 

You're confused, yes. And so am I.

 

Before telling Amy that "this or that" can't happen, at least first admit that you are NOT confused and are not just pulling advice out of your ass. Until then, the relationship bible can help you very little won't help her at all. It's absurd to brush aside this man's feelings as "wanting to explore the playing field" -- wouldn't it be nice to be so easy? Do you have ANY idea how much this guy loves his girlfriend? How much he SHOWS it?

 

Things like this don't make sense. They never will& and you'll never be able to help.