What's the difference?

[the_alchemyst]

I'm not sure where to put this, so sorry if it's in the wrong forum.

 

Anyway, call me stupid, but I'm curious as to what the difference between a relationship and FWB is.

 

Gah, I don't know how to explain it.

 

Let me try to use this as an example:

 

Suppose X and Y have been in a LTR for some years now. They break up for whatever idiotic reason and decide on being "friends" and on maintaining sparring contact. One day not long after the break up, they meet and start talking and end up getting intimate. They meet again and the same thing happens, until X asks Y wtf is going on.

 

To this Y responds that they think they should take things slowly. That they should revert back to seeing one another only once or twice a week like they used to when they first got together, instead of the three to five times a week they've been dealing with for the past years. Y tells X that this way s/he will miss her/him more, and that by missing her/him, things will begin to work until everything is fine again. X asks if things will ever be okay again, and to this Y responds, "Of course."

 

So it is set.

 

So X and Y will now see each other once or twice a week and talk every now and then on the phone, unlike the multiple phone calls of before.

 

X begins to wonder if Y really wants to work things out, and that if he really means it when s/he says that things will eventually be all better again.

 

X wonders if this is true, or if all Y wants is to be able to secure sex at least once a week. X feels horrible for thinking this, and inclusively believes that Y would never do this to her, but she still wonders.

 

Are they really working to rebuild a broken relationship or is this a nice cover up for FWB?

 

I'm asking this because my friend is in this situation right now. She asked me for advice, but yeah right. I'm in no condition to be advicing right now.

 

Plus, I myself don't get it, so I thought I'd post it here to get feedback from you guys.

 

[paige367]

Y is using X for sex. X will probably never get anything more from Y. X should try to move on and put Y in the ex file.

[the_alchemyst]

Why the hell did I use variables? I confused myself.

 

!!

 

Could he really do that to her?! I mean, I know that he loved her greatly, and he still claims he doesn. Plus, they have been through so much--could he really just be using her like that?!

 

My friend feels a bit weird by this situation. She was telling me that she was going to talk to him about it next time she saw him. Do you think that's a good idea?

 

When they were discussing what to do with themselves, my friend told me that she told him to be honest about it: that if all he missed was the sex. She said that he started crying and that he told her she was offended that she would even think about such a thing. He told her he loved her and that that was why he wanted to try it again, but take it slowly so as to not mess it up yet again.

 

I thought that I could tell her to try to do things with him and not sleep with him. If he says he wants to take it slow and revert back to "dating," then fine: they can go out and have fun, but no sex.

 

I thought maybe this would get a reaction from him.

 

But I'm not sure is this is such a good idea. More feeback, please.

 

And thanks for the reply.

[norajane]

Are they seeing other people? With FWB, both are free to see other people.

 

And FWB's usually aren't talking about a future together...it sounds like your friends are trying to work things out.

 

One thing caught my attention:

 

Y tells X that this way s/he will miss her/him more, and that by missing her/him, things will begin to work until everything is fine again. X asks if things will ever be okay again, and to this Y responds, "Of course."

 

If Y wants to take things slowly, seeing each other less often makes sense. If they broke up and are trying this again, it's ok to take a deep breath and start a few paces back to get it right the next time.

 

However, that Y needs distance to miss X more...that's a warning flag, I think. Without knowing more background, it's hard to say if Y has lost that loving feeling toward X, or if Y just needs some breathing space to hang out and play video games and drink beer with his friends.

[the_alchemyst]

Thanks, Nora.

 

I asked my friend if they were going to see other people in the mean time, and she said that that issue wasn't even discussed.

 

Apparently, she kept asking him what they were doing what they were doing (sleeping together, I guess), and he always replied that it was because he thought they missed each other and the sex, but that it was because they still loved each other.

 

She said that she told him to be honest about it--that if all he missed was the sex and that if it was all he wanted, and she said that he cried when she said this, and that he said that it wasn't true.

 

I also know that he talked to another friend of ours and that he told her that he wanted to be free; that he wanted to just do his own thing, and that he felt that when he was with my friend, he couldn't.

 

This has been the underlying reason for their break ups, it seems. But yet they always get back together, either because she looks for him, he looks for her, or they accidentally bump into one another. She says she has asked him about this before, and he always tells her the same thing. Something along the lines of:

 

We are so young and because of that I often feel confused. I love being with you but then sometimes I feel that I am missing out on other things. So, I try to leave you and plunge headfirst into them, but I am not truly happy. I think about you, dream about you, kiss the pillow pretending it's you. I miss you so much, and that is why I always come back. There are just moments that I have where I feel that I am too restricted, so I run for the hill, but the hill is never greener.

 

Or something like that.

 

See, he used to call her everyday when he left for work and when he came back, just to let her know. This was something he wanted to do because he said it was their little thing. He would then call her before going to sleep, and that's when they would talk for a longer while.

 

For these past two days since they agreed to take it slow, he called her last night and said he would call tomorrow, but didn't call during the day at all, and I guess this is what makes her uneasy.

 

About the missing her thing--well, I agree with you. The thing is that they used to see each other about 3-5 times a week! He would hardly go out with his friends, and she would hardly do so either. Since they saw each other so often, I don't think there was room to miss each other. During the first few months of their relationship, I remember they used to see each other once a week, and both seemed so eager for that day to come. When it did come, I always heard that they had just great times and so on.

 

I don't know if I'm explaining that properly, but that's how it was/is more or less.

 

She told me that when they last saw each other it was a very nice day. She said he seemed very caring and loving. She also said that the first time they saw each other, he told her he was very happy to see her, since he hadn't seen her in a while (about a week a think), and that his eyes got teary when he saw her.

 

She says she thought everything was going to be okay, but then she didn't get the phonecalls she was used to, and that she began to wonder if he had changed his mind or if all he truly wanted was to ensure sex at least once a week.

 

I can't help but wonder if he wants the best of both worlds, though. I wonder if he wants to see her, hang out with her, be intimate with her--but not be all that tied into the relationship, so that he can go out with his friends and drink and do whatever else.

[norajane]

It really doesn't sound like he's just using her for sex. It sounds like they went deep into the relationship over the years (3-5 times a week, plus two or three daily phone calls is A LOT), and he started to feel he missed out on some things. I'm not sure why he felt he couldn't do his own thing while he's with her...maybe he lost sight of what his 'own thing' was? Now, he sees the grass isn't greener, and there's a reason she's been such a big part of his life.

 

If I were your friend, I would stop harping on the 'is it just for sex' question and give this some time to play out. Since they are still only seeing each other, they are in a relationship and he's not getting sex elsewhere. It's better that he come to her for some luvin' than some other woman, right? And I'm sure she likes the sex too or they wouldn't keep being intimate. So why turn the sex into an issue when it sounds like it's not the problem?

 

Give it some time, see how his theory about the relationship pans out. Neither of them sounds like they want to give each other up. He sounds young and confused about relationships and what he wants. It's good that he has some time to himself so he can discover what he wants out of life and what is important. Your friend should take this time to do some thinking of her own. Thinking (not obsessing about if it's just sex), but thinking about what she wants to accomplish in life outside the relationship, and consider if he is the kind of man that can help her and support her in getting to her goals.

[the_alchemyst]

Thanks again, Nora. That's some great insight you gave there.

 

I'll make sure to give my friend your opinion.