How does one leave the perfect man?

[Guest]

How do you leave a great relationship, yet, one that you no longer want to be in? How do you tell the perfect man, I have no feelings for you? Why can’t I just love him? Why can’t I have passion for him? Why have I done such a good job “faking” it all this time?

How do you tell someone who is crazy about you, “I’m sorry, I just don’t love you.”

Someone I’ve had children with and someone with whom I’ve shared the last 9 1/2 years. Dreams change, people change, feelings change. I don’t want to hurt him, but I know what needs to be said, can’t be, with out doing so.

I don’t know that I ever really have been IN love with him. But I loved him and cared for him. I don’t want to hurt him…and I know this would crush him.

He took me out last night and kept saying, “I’m having such a good time with you” and “we’ve really done things right” and “I’m so happy with you”...all of which I answer, yeah….me too.

It’s been a while since I was “in” love w/ him and lately I feel that I don’t love him at all. But I care for him, because he is a good man. He is a good father and actually is a quite good husband. But I feel nothing for him.

I am a little nervous of being alone, sure. But I’m unhappy.

He is a good father. I wonder if sacrificing my children’s happiness for my own is ok? Would it be better to “stick it out” until they are older? Or would that just make things worse? Would it teach them to settle and stay where they are unhappy someday?

I can will myself to not fall for someone else, I can will myself to stay with him, but can I will myself to be in love with him?

I want a divorce…but I don’t want to hurt him. This would be such a shock for him. I’m just so much happier by myself. There is no one else, there isn’t even the thought of the possibility of someone else…there is only the feeling of, “I don’t want to be with him”.

[Billy Bob]

How do you leave a great relationship, yet, one that you no longer want to be in? How do you tell the perfect man, I have no feelings for you?

 

Your going through some sort of personal midlife crisis. Before you wreck your husband's dreams and tear apart your children's lives get some individual counseling.

 

Once you tell him your not "in-love" with him anymore, his feelings toward you will never be the same. Are you wiling to give up custody of your kids? Sell the house? Move into an apartment?

 

I'd hold off making any bold moves until you figure out what is going on with yourself.. Why these feelings? I also have to ask, what new guy has been paying attention to you? I know your claiming that its just you.. but? Just doesn't make sense?

 

Usually the "not in-love" syndrome is due to someone else in the picture, or that your emotional needs have been ignored (which doesn't appear to be the case here).

[Yamaha]

Why is it that women always feel the need to leave the "perfect man" but never want to leave the a**h***s? He must not be as perfect as you claim or you would be happy with him. If your not in-love with him you owe it to tell him how you feel but as the previous poster says your relationship will never be the same after saying these 5 little words,"I'm not in-love with you". You obviously have thought about this for awhile or you would not be here on LS wanting advise from strangers. If your mind is made up then there is nothing else to do but tell him. No one wants to be with someone that isn't in-love with them. You might as well be friends, roommates. If your serious just get the deed done and let him heal his hurt and don't count or expect to stay friends.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

How do you leave a great relationship, yet, one that you no longer want to be in? How do you tell the perfect man, I have no feelings for you? Why can’t I just love him? Why can’t I have passion for him? Why have I done such a good job “faking” it all this time?

How do you tell someone who is crazy about you, “I’m sorry, I just don’t love you.”

Someone I’ve had children with and someone with whom I’ve shared the last 9 1/2 years. Dreams change, people change, feelings change. I don’t want to hurt him, but I know what needs to be said, can’t be, with out doing so.

I don’t know that I ever really have been IN love with him. But I loved him and cared for him. I don’t want to hurt him…and I know this would crush him.

He took me out last night and kept saying, “I’m having such a good time with you” and “we’ve really done things right” and “I’m so happy with you”...all of which I answer, yeah….me too.

It’s been a while since I was “in” love w/ him and lately I feel that I don’t love him at all. But I care for him, because he is a good man. He is a good father and actually is a quite good husband. But I feel nothing for him.

I am a little nervous of being alone, sure. But I’m unhappy.

He is a good father. I wonder if sacrificing my children’s happiness for my own is ok? Would it be better to “stick it out” until they are older? Or would that just make things worse? Would it teach them to settle and stay where they are unhappy someday?

I can will myself to not fall for someone else, I can will myself to stay with him, but can I will myself to be in love with him?

I want a divorce…but I don’t want to hurt him. This would be such a shock for him. I’m just so much happier by myself. There is no one else, there isn’t even the thought of the possibility of someone else…there is only the feeling of, “I don’t want to be with him”.

 

Gosh... I could have written this.

 

But I'm further along than you are... I think. I've already told my husband of 10 years that I am not longer in love with him. He thinks that I'm delusional and wouldn't believe me.

 

Well, I've been 'sticking it out' for a few months now. We are also having Marriage counseling every other week. And I think that he is really trying to make this marriage better than it was before.

[Billy Bob]

If your mind is made up then there is nothing else to do but tell him. No one wants to be with someone that isn't in-love with them. You might as well be friends, roommates. If your serious just get the deed done and let him heal his hurt and don't count or expect to stay friends.

 

I agree, if this is for real and your not just going through a wishy washy patch in your marriage. If you truely don't love the guy anymore and can't stand to be with him. Do him a favor and get it over with quick. The sooner you tell him how you feel and that you want a divorce, the sooner he will be able to go forward with his life and find someone who truely cares for him. If you respect him as a person, treat him with the dignity you would want someone to treat you with.

 

Be very certain this is what you want though. If you say these words to him and figure out later that you made a mistake you'll find that you have already done the damage and he may never be able to see you in the same light he does now again.

 

If you do tell him you are not in-love with him and want a divorce. Do it quick and don't waffle, he will quickly fall into hell, but in 2-3 months he will start putting himself back together.

 

If you think there is any chance you still love the guy and want to work it out then I suggest you go to individual counseling and maybe suggest a couples workshop for you and your husband. Or somehow tell him you want to go to some joint marriage counseling to build your relationship stronger..

[Lollie72]

Your going through some sort of personal midlife crisis. Before you wreck your husband's dreams and tear apart your children's lives get some individual counseling.

 

Once you tell him your not "in-love" with him anymore, his feelings toward you will never be the same. Are you wiling to give up custody of your kids? Sell the house? Move into an apartment?

 

I'd hold off making any bold moves until you figure out what is going on with yourself.. Why these feelings? I also have to ask, what new guy has been paying attention to you? I know your claiming that its just you.. but? Just doesn't make sense?

 

Usually the "not in-love" syndrome is due to someone else in the picture, or that your emotional needs have been ignored (which doesn't appear to be the case here).

 

 

I almost totally agree with this advice, however my intuition tells me she has deeper problems..and I'd recommend looking into her whole life and her feelings around fulfillment and whethe this guy and her are too close and boundary issues may be smothering her. Does she have her own identity outside of her marriage? Are his so alled perfect expectations of her role as a wife just not allowing her to be her own person too? Has she put him on an very inappropriate pedistal because she's used the word "Perfect?"

[BrandonBP]

Why is it that women always feel the need to leave the "perfect man" but never want to leave the a**h***s?

Dude, this is an instant classic! Sweet!

[luvtoto]

How do you leave a great relationship, yet, one that you no longer want to be in?

slip out the back, Jack...

make a new plan, Stan...

don't mean to be coy, Roy...

 

On that note, I am going to bed!

[westernxer]

As Lollie said, there's probably something she isn't saying, or perhaps she hasn't come to terms with it yet.

 

Kids change everything. That's what I've learned from the married folks.

[Outcast]

First of all, is this about you? Have you lost interest in life in general? Are you bored or even boring? Are you happy with anything else or is it possible that you've become depressed or even ill?

I don’t know that I ever really have been IN love with him. But I loved him and cared for him.

 

Why? What did you love about him? Has he changed?

 

What has affected you to think that there might be something better? Remember happiness (and unhappiness) generally comes from within so you really need to examine yourself and your own life rather than blaming external things for how you feel.

 

Also remember that love can ebb and flow. There was a study not so long ago in which a lot of folks who stayed married despite having wanted to divorce at some point got over their unhappiness and ended up happier than ever later.

 

I think you should see a counsellor and perhaps go on a marriage renewal retreat before you quit on a really good man. There aren't that many of them around.

[iron_m]

How do you leave a great relationship, yet, one that you no longer want to be in? How do you tell the perfect man, I have no feelings for you? Why can’t I just love him? Why can’t I have passion for him? Why have I done such a good job “faking” it all this time?

How do you tell someone who is crazy about you, “I’m sorry, I just don’t love you.”

Someone I’ve had children with and someone with whom I’ve shared the last 9 1/2 years. Dreams change, people change, feelings change. I don’t want to hurt him, but I know what needs to be said, can’t be, with out doing so.

I don’t know that I ever really have been IN love with him. But I loved him and cared for him. I don’t want to hurt him…and I know this would crush him.

He took me out last night and kept saying, “I’m having such a good time with you” and “we’ve really done things right” and “I’m so happy with you”...all of which I answer, yeah….me too.

It’s been a while since I was “in” love w/ him and lately I feel that I don’t love him at all. But I care for him, because he is a good man. He is a good father and actually is a quite good husband. But I feel nothing for him.

I am a little nervous of being alone, sure. But I’m unhappy.

He is a good father. I wonder if sacrificing my children’s happiness for my own is ok? Would it be better to “stick it out” until they are older? Or would that just make things worse? Would it teach them to settle and stay where they are unhappy someday?

I can will myself to not fall for someone else, I can will myself to stay with him, but can I will myself to be in love with him?

I want a divorce…but I don’t want to hurt him. This would be such a shock for him. I’m just so much happier by myself. There is no one else, there isn’t even the thought of the possibility of someone else…there is only the feeling of, “I don’t want to be with him”.

 

is there a problem of physical attraction?

[RecordProducer]

Why is it that women always feel the need to leave the "perfect man" but never want to leave the a**h***s?

This is a good question. The answer is: no matter how great someone is, if you're not in love with them, you can't appreciate them. And if you love someone, you can put up with a lot of crap before you're ready to leave... if ever.

 

He must not be as perfect as you claim or you would be happy with him.

I am sure the OP is smart enough to make her own judgment about how good he is. She said he was a good person and father, but not exciting enough for her. She's never been in love with him.

 

You know the song: "I'd rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else..."? I can't imagine living with someone I am not in love with. I've been with people without loving them for a short time until I realized how I felt and it felt awful - no chemistry, no excitement, no desire to make love, no fun, nothing.

 

Great love is required to endure the difficulties, forgive, tolerate, care and nurture, and grow old together. As much as my heart is breaking for that guy, I can't help but think "thank god, I am not in her shoes!" There is nothing sweeter than being with someone you love deeply as a man, not as a friend and father of your children.

 

I don't think the happiness of the children will be jeopardized if you try hard to be good parents and cooperate instead of fight. They will definitely be hurt and traumatized by the act of divorce though. All kids want their mommy and daddy to be together unless if they fight all the time. Gosh, my kids have been living with my new husband only for 5 months and would be devastated if we got divorced (so attached they are to him).

 

I suggest that you tell him how you feel first. But if you don't intend to tell him the whole truth then don't even bother. He needs to know that you're not sure you were ever in love with him and how you felt all these years. Otherwise he will live in agony of trying to seduce you again and suffer additionally, because his attempts will be futile.

 

I like everything that cta7978 wrote.

[Guest]

I think I can relate to your situation, and hopefully my advice will be helpful. From what I've read, this is what I've gathered:

You care about him deeply, you want him to be happy, and he could be your friend forever if things had been different, but you just don't feel that living in the same house together is the best thing for you. It's okay to feel good about being alone. You wish those moments of escape could last longer, and each one brings you closer to this decision to leave for good.

 

You've thought about what to say to share your feelings of discontent. How can you do this smoothly and with less pain? Well, there isn't a good way to do it. The one thing I can suggest to you is this: plan this moment more than you would plan anything else. And there are a few things you absolutely must be prepared for if you're serious about ending this marriage:

 

1) You must be prepared to answer the question "Why?" because he will ask, and will need a very good reason. "I don't love you anymore" sounds like an easy way out, but might not be enough for him. Make sure you have a explanation that he can relate to. Understand that from his perspective, you're dropping a big, unexpected bomb on his world.

 

2) You must be prepared to take his reaction in a matter-of-fact way. It's going to be one of the hardest (if not THE hardest) thing you've ever had to do. But, if you're serious about this, then you have to be committed in your decision. You can't shake his world, then back down when you see how hard it hit him. You might remember how much you hate to see him upset, and be unable to say all the things that are necessary. Then it becomes ackward. He'll know you're not happy, but it won't be completely clear that it's over. It has to be all or nothing - you can't put a half effort into a marital separation. It's not fair to you, him, or the children.

 

3) You must be prepared for the next step - Don't just focus on how to tell him. Remember that every day after you tell him will be different. Have plans for what needs to be done with the home, children, jobs, bills, etc.

 

Here are some things you may want to consider telling him during your conversation:

- Please don't think that I'm abandoning you. I will always care about you, I just can't be in this relationship anymore. (This reinforces the bond between you, and let's him know that you're not heartless.)

- It's nothing you did. (Never say "It's not you, it's me) (Use a line from your message here) Dreams change, people change, feelings change. (This may give him some justification and help with the "Why?" later.)

- I'm sorry it has to happen this way. I don't want to hurt you, but I feel that I have no choice. (He will know that you've considered this, and it's a hard decision for you.)

- I feel that I would be lying to you if I kept pretending that everything is okay. I know that you would be honest with me if your feelings changed. (Reinforces that you have a trusting relationship, and that you are concerned that his happiness would be affected if you kept going like this.)

 

I wish you good luck.

[Lollie72]

Doesn't HAVE TO >>define, explain or justify their actions or feelings if they choose not to...De-Ex-Ify"

[Trimmer]

A person breaking up I think... Doesn't HAVE TO >>define, explain or justify their actions or feelings if they choose not to...De-Ex-Ify"

Certainly not, but my god, a human being who professes to actually care for her spouse might well WANT to, no? Are you just telling her that she doesn't "have to" or are you actually suggesting that she shouldn't? When he asks the perfectly reasonable question "why", is she going to say "I don't need to define, explain, or justify myself?" Seems like this turns an already brutal situation into an unnecessarily heartless one.

 

As a man having been on the receiving end of this situation, I have a few comments on some of "Guest's" suggestions:

Please don't think that I'm abandoning you. I will always care about you,

Useless! You are abandoning him as a partner, there's no other way to paint it, that's exactly what you are doing. The only way I was able to survive this was to accept that the character of my wife was gone to me forever. Up until I found that acceptance I was just in continuing pain, trying to grasp any remaining thread of the "bond" that we shared. Once I accepted it and let go, I started to move on and heal. Look, the mother of my children still exists, and I deal with her cordially and supportively, but I have no remaining bond with the character that was my wife. Why "reinforce" this bond just as you are intending to dissolve it?

 

It's nothing you did.

Yeah, that's probably good. But if he starts expressing confusion and anger, you will be tempted to send it back to him. After dropping the bomb, and listening to me twist and struggle in confusion, which included anger, my wife defensively complained, among other bizarre and vague things, that I didn't bring her orange juice in the morning as often as I had earlier in the relationship. Oh yeah, then, file those divorce papers... When you're feeling defensive, you may be very tempted to throw out things that will make it sound like it is, in fact, something he did...

 

I'm sorry it has to happen this way. I don't want to hurt you, but I feel that I have no choice.

I don't know, something about that sounds lame. This sounds like her decision to leave him is an uncontrollable thing that's happening to her, as opposed to a decision she's made. By saying this, she is not owning her decision, because, frankly, she does have a choice. It would probably be healthier just to say "this is a decision I've made after a lot of consideration, and it is final." I still think it sucks to make that decision without any attempt to engage him, but I'm going on the premise that the decision is final and she's trying to help him accept it and recover and become healthy again as soon as possible...

 

I feel that I would be lying to you if I kept pretending that everything is okay.

You know, this I think I could live with. Although, again, I would think she had been, essentially, lying to me by hiding her distress from me until it was so bad that she felt there was "no choice" but divorce.

 

I know that you would be honest with me if your feelings changed.

I think you want to be careful here, too. I think this is a little patronizing. Change it to "I hope that", and maybe it'll be OK. But after all, she wasn't really honest with him about her feelings when they changed, was she? So to club him over the head with this now, and then fly the flag of honesty seems a little inconsistent, doesn't it?

 

Now, all the above is predicated on the assumption that this is a foregone conclusion. I hope the OP will take the advice of others here and do some more soul searching - perhaps with the help of a counselor? - before bailing out. If he really is a good husband and father, and she really does care for him, it just seems such a waste. But then my opinion is certainly biased.

[Lollie72]

is the fact that in some cases, it's better for the person doing the break-up to not try to justify, etc...if the person on the other end cannot handle the truth and will become more toxically abusive or power struggle if they are given honesty. Let's just say I have very real experience with that. I think my spouse has Paranoid Personality Disorder, and he's hysterial and goes into angry or whining fits when he doesn't get his way.

[Trimmer]

is the fact that in some cases, it's better for the person doing the break-up to not try to justify, etc...if the person on the other end cannot handle the truth and will become more toxically abusive or power struggle if they are given honesty. Let's just say I have very real experience with that. I think my spouse has...

Fair enough in your case, but you are advising her here; do you get any sense from the OP's description that any of this sort of dynamic is at play in her relationship? She asked us how she could do it without hurting him because she cares about him. I can't agree that refusing to explain herself would be less hurtful to him, and I don't see any indication that explaining herself to him would put her in any significant further distress. Frankly, I think as a "caring spouse" she does owe it to him, and as a matter of fact, thinking about "why", and explaining it to herself first might be a very good exercise for her.

 

And I'll once again end with: I hope this is not a foregone conclusion, and that she ends up doing some honest soul searching before she bails.

[Noos]

You do need to be careful but you also owe it to him to be honest and not take up any more of his life and love if you can't reciprocate.

 

Be honest but don't be blunt and try marriage counselling first.

 

If you can't work your problem out and it cannot be pinpointed to a depressive episode or the presence of another party, you need to leave.

 

He sounds like he's been good to you - do everything with as little drama and as amicably as possible. If not for his sake, than for the sake of your kids.

[dgiirl]

I agree that you need to be able to answer his questions and give reasons, but dont go into specifics about all the things you hate about him. He doesnt need to know you think he has stinky breath or whatever. Keep your dignity and respect. You are doing a very selfish thing, so when he accuses you of that, dont get angry. Being selfish doesnt necessarily mean a bad thing. It's better than you both living unsatisfied lives. And I'll also bet that if you are unhappy, he is unhappy. So I would strongly suggest marriage counselling, because if you BOTH are unhappy, then you'd both be willing to make some changes. And wouldnt you atleast like to know you did everything possible to save your marriage? That you respected him enough to give him a chance to make you happy? Just bailing on a marriage without even telling the other person there was a problem is pretty lame. I wasnt happy in my marriage. I tried to talk to my exh. He reassured me everything was fine. Then he met someone and bailed. Now, when I meet anyone remotely like this, I stand very very far away. I will never date anyone like that. So for your own benifit, atleast try counselling. This way you can honestly say you gave it a try.

[sophia34]

I am in the same position as the original poster with some differences--8 year (nearly 9) relationship, engaged (not married), no kids, but sharing a newly acquired big mortgage that we just entered into. Everyone is asking us, "When's the wedding?" and I cannot bear to set a date. To break up six years ago would have been humane and reasonable, but I wasn't strong enough to do it...to break up now seems like the cruelest thing, not only emotionally but financially. My fiance is also a great guy and I feel horrible that I don't feel that I love him.

 

After all, I'm not perfect, and all he does is treat me well. I haven't been able to leave because of the fact that he IS good and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, except that I don't feel any chemistry or "click" together. I just feel distant. Sometimes I think we might be too much alike...the things I don't like in him are things I don't like in myself.

 

I have no good advice for the original poster except to say she's not the only one in this situation. I know that it's just about absolute worst thing in the world, short of famine and incurable disease, to be with someone who deserves your love and be so absolutely unable to give it. I have found that I hate the very concept of love because of this, because so much of it is not within your control. It's due to some combination of chemicals and subconscious reactions that you simply can't change. Because of that, it seems absolutely random and useless.

 

When I first entered this relationship, I never dreamed that this would be where it would lead. It's like I have a metaphorical gun and the world is telling me I have to shoot him in the head and be done with it, like putting a lame horse out of its misery. If I ever do get out of this (and right now, that's looking doubtful), I will never put myself in this miserable position again. I would rather be alone then to ever be in the position to hurt someone like this. If I had known this is how it would be, I wouldn't have ever been with him in the first place. I would have absolutely walked the other way, great guy or not.

 

The very idea of love makes me sick. For those who have found the "magic formula," I'm happy for them. For others, it's no better than a stake through the heart. That's just how it works, I guess. There are no answers or advice that can fix something like this. You just live through it one way or another. At least, that's what I've found.

[Yamaha]

Originally Posted by Yamaha

Why is it that women always feel the need to leave the "perfect man" but never want to leave the a**h***s?

 

This is a good question. The answer is: no matter how great someone is, if you're not in love with them, you can't appreciate them. And if you love someone, you can put up with a lot of crap before you're ready to leave... if ever.

 

 

I totally agree with your assessment, Recordproducer. I was just making a play on words as people say they have the perfect person but they don't want to be with them. Perfect on paper doesn't mean perfect for your life.

[DesperateDad]

Just bailing on a marriage without even telling the other person there was a problem is pretty lame. I wasnt happy in my marriage. I tried to talk to my exh. He reassured me everything was fine. Then he met someone and bailed. Now, when I meet anyone remotely like this, I stand very very far away. I will never date anyone like that. So for your own benifit, atleast try counselling. This way you can honestly say you gave it a try.

 

I knew there were some problems in my marriage, but never knew how serious until just two months ago. Other than that, dgiirl, your situation sounds a lot like mine. I'm convinced that we would have been able to work things out had she opened up to me about how serious it was and also decided to not get involved with the OM.

 

I would suggest honesty and marriage counseling before giving up on this marriage.

[dgiirl]

I'm convinced that we would have been able to work things out had she opened up to me about how serious it was and also decided to not get involved with the OM.

 

You know, even HE admitted had we talked about things sooner, it would have made a difference. But by the time everything got done, it was too late.

[DesperateDad]

You know, even HE admitted had we talked about things sooner, it would have made a difference. But by the time everything got done, it was too late.

 

This is a great lesson to remember for future use. Along the same lines, a friend of mine recently told me that the best way to have a good marriage is to have gone through a failed one. I don't think this is exactly the best way, but you get the point: we have to learn from our mistakes.

[Lollie72]

Fair enough in your case, but you are advising her here; do you get any sense from the OP's description that any of this sort of dynamic is at play in her relationship? She asked us how she could do it without hurting him because she cares about him. I can't agree that refusing to explain herself would be less hurtful to him, and I don't see any indication that explaining herself to him would put her in any significant further distress. Frankly, I think as a "caring spouse" she does owe it to him, and as a matter of fact, thinking about "why", and explaining it to herself first might be a very good exercise for her.

 

And I'll once again end with: I hope this is not a foregone conclusion, and that she ends up doing some honest soul searching before she bails.

 

I'm starting to think that guilting ones-self into explaining all actions to othes is like a form of self-abuse.